Just One of the Guys

Song: Sweetest Love, I Do Not Go by John Donne

2010-04-10T16:38:00.000-07:00

This poem is another that plays an important roll in "Just One of the Guys," so I am including it here for those who are interested. If you haven't read much Donne, please do yourself a favor and check him out. The man was amazing.

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SWEETEST love, I do not go,
For weariness of thee,
Nor in hope the world can show
A fitter love for me ;
But since that I
At the last must part, 'tis best,
Thus to use myself in jest
By feigned deaths to die.

Yesternight the sun went hence,
And yet is here to-day ;
He hath no desire nor sense,
Nor half so short a way ;
Then fear not me,
But believe that I shall make
Speedier journeys, since I take
More wings and spurs than he.

O how feeble is man's power,
That if good fortune fall,
Cannot add another hour,
Nor a lost hour recall ;
But come bad chance,
And we join to it our strength,
And we teach it art and length,
Itself o'er us to advance.

When thou sigh'st, thou sigh'st not wind,
But sigh'st my soul away ;
When thou weep'st, unkindly kind,
My life's blood doth decay.
It cannot be
That thou lovest me as thou say'st,
If in thine my life thou waste,
That art the best of me.

Let not thy divining heart
Forethink me any ill ;
Destiny may take thy part,
And may thy fears fulfil.
But think that we
Are but turn'd aside to sleep.
They who one another keep
Alive, ne'er parted be.

JOotG Chapter 28 - Unkindly Kind

2010-04-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

A/N: Special thanks to AHizelm, EchoesOfTwilight, IngenueFic, kimberlycullen10, naelany, and theladyingrey42 for being my prereaders and holding my hand through this chapter. Without you ladies, it might never have been completed, and I adore each of you!

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BPOV

When I heard the annoying sound of Edward's alarm, I wanted to cry. There was no moment of confusion, no wondering where I was or what that sound was. I knew instantly that I was lying in bed with his arms around me and that sound meant only one thing…he was leaving.

He reached behind me, slapping at the nightstand until he found his phone. I heard him muttering something under his breath – all I caught was the word "fucking" – and then his arm lifted as the noise mercifully ended. Instead of getting up, he pulled me closer, his lips finding my forehead as he sighed. My arms squeezed around his waist as I lifted my face, kissing him softly. He returned my kiss, our lips moving gently at first before he moaned.

My lips parted, my tongue meeting his as our kiss deepened. He broke away for a moment to murmur, "Good god, Bella…" before his lips crashed to mine again, his kiss desperate. Our bodies were pressed closely together, and I realized with a start that I could feel Edward's hard length against my abdomen. My instinct was to jerk away, but I kept my hips still, my only reaction a soft gasp.

He started to turn away from me, but I ran my hand between his shoulder blades, coming to rest on the back of his head as I pulled him closer. "What-?" he started to ask, but I cut him off, silencing him with my kiss. He froze for just a second before his hand moved to my thigh, his fingers tightening as he gave in. He kneaded my thigh as we kissed, and I felt a strange hesitation in his touch until he suddenly hooked his hand behind my knee and pulled it toward him. My knee came to rest on his hip, and he was suddenly right there.

I shuddered, though whether it was in fear or desire, I'll never be sure. I think it was a bit of both, but when he tried to apologize and move away again, I shook my head. I didn't trust my voice enough to speak, and I didn't want to try to explain what I was feeling, anyway. I just wanted to feel it.

He exhaled lightly, and I felt his tension in the way his muscles were straining as he held perfectly still. His hand clutched my calf, and after a few moments, his thumb began rubbing gently, soothingly, along my knee. I relaxed minutely, feeling his hardness against that most sensitive part of my body. He twitched. I gasped.

He again tried to pull away, murmuring apologies and encouragement, and my frustration flared. I laced my fingers through his hair, my other hand on the small of his back while I forced our bodies as close together as I could. His lips were motionless against mine, his resistance passive but unmistakable.

"Kiss me," I whispered. I pressed my lips to his again, but there was still no response. "Damn it, Edward…please." My lips parted as I tried to encourage him. "Please?" In desperation, I traced his lower lip with my tongue.

With a groan, his lips parted, his mouth hungry against mine as his hands gripped my hips. I expected him to push me away, but he pulled me closer, giving a soft whimper when he brushed against me. He broke our kiss, his warm lips ghosting over my throat as he murmured breathlessly, "God damn, Bella…is this what you want?"

He didn't wait for an answer, holding me close as he made his way down my neck. He pulled at the oversized neck of my jersey, kissing along my collarbone before he returned his lips to mine. I felt light-headed, nearly drunk, and there was a fluttering in my chest that I tried to shove away. I gasped as I tried to focus on something, working to ground myself in something real.

At the sound, Edward slowed. His lips still journeyed along my neck, over my cheeks, across the bridge of my nose…but the urgency was gone. He was mastering himself, regaining control, and I let it happen. My kisses became lighter as I shifted my body away inch by inch. His grip on me lessened, his hands soothing as he caressed my face. The jittery feeling began to subside, leaving me feeling tired and drained…and somehow relieved that this latest ordeal was ending.

With a few more chaste kisses, Edward brushed back my hair, and I opened my eyes to find him smiling at me gently. I could just see him in the dim room, so I couldn't make out the light of pride in his eyes, but I knew it was there. It radiated from him, making me want to smile and scream at once.

Fucking ridiculous that my boyfriend has to be proud that I can kiss him.

I worked to ignore the berating voice in the back of my mind, but it was hard – since I fully agreed. If Edward noticed, he didn't let on. He glanced at the alarm clock, sighing softly as he turned back to me and pulled me close. "I have to go…" he murmured quietly.

Trying to push away my disappointment – and that infuriating relief – I rolled over and sat up on the bed. I reached down, picking up my jeans before standing. As I pulled them on quickly, I was intensely aware that I was standing in a Seahawks jersey and my underwear. My blush heated my cheeks, but when I turned around at last, Edward was sitting up in bed, studying the quilt.

I cleared my throat, saying, "I'll, umm…be right back…" Without waiting for an answer, I escaped to the bathroom, leaning against the counter as I fought the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. I wasn't even entirely sure what I was upset about – that Edward was leaving, obviously, but there was more. I turned on the water, looking at my eyes in my reflection as I waited for it to heat. I breathed evenly, peeling away layer after layer of emotion until, finally, it was there.

Frustration.

More than loneliness or sadness or any of those things I expected to feel when faced with Edward leaving me for the first time, I felt frustrated. I wanted so badly to show him what he meant to me, to be able to express my love for him physically, and I thwarted myself at every turn. Beyond that, though, my eyes widened as I realized that I was physically frustrated as well.

Shaking my head to chase away those thoughts, I focused instead on getting through the next half hour as I washed my hands. I would have plenty of time soon to try to figure out what all of this meant for me. After drying my hands, I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath, forcing a smile and looking at myself in the mirror until it reached my eyes.

I opened the door again, my smile softening when I saw Edward fully dressed and my bed made. I walked to him, slipping my arms around his waist as I murmured, "You didn't have to do that, you know…I'm just going to go back to sleep after you leave."

I bit my bottom lip, swallowing as I felt his lips press against the top of my head. His arms wrapped around my waist, and we stood in silence for a long moment. My thoughts wandered back to our beginning, when I was afraid to even touch him, and my spirits brightened when I fully realized how far I'd come in such a short time. There was hope for me yet.

I felt his hand rubbing my back gently before he kissed the crown of my head again and whispered, "I know. I just…wanted you to be comfortable."

I smiled, tightening my arms around him before I lifted my head to look up at him. "Thanks," I said simply. I was filled with longing…desire…and that damn sense of frustration again when I saw the look in his eyes.

Well, there may be nothing we can do about me right now, but…

"You can use my shower, if you want, before you go." The words were out of my mouth before I really considered them, and I would have been mortified to admit what I was thinking – after all, he'd told me what he did in the shower sometimes – but I wanted him to be comfortable on his trip, and I knew I damn sure wouldn't have been right then.

He froze for a moment and then nodded. "Thanks…" Neither of us mentioned it, but I could tell from the faint blush on his cheeks that he knew what I was offering. We stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say.

When he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, I finally broke the uncomfortable silence. "I think I'll go make some coffee and find Jasper…"

I couldn't meet his eyes, but when I started to turn away, he gently cupped my chin, turning my face toward his. He studied me carefully for a moment and then smiled, leaning down to brush his lips against mine. "I'll be right out," he promised.

I nodded, and it seemed to take an unusual amount of resolve to walk from the room. I wanted to stay. I wanted to…help him…

Sighing, I shook my head, pushing away the impossible thoughts for the time being. Instead, I glanced into Jasper's room, finding it empty, and walked down the hallway to the kitchen. I started a pot of coffee and then went in search of Jasper and Alice. Since they weren't in his room, I grabbed my coat from the rack by the front door, slipped on my shoes, and then stepped outside, grumbling at the cold breeze that met me.

They were there, but instead of just Jasper and Alice, I found Emmett and Rosalie helping them as well. Alice had packed enough for a month-long trip if it had been me, and she'd brought everything into the house, even though they'd stayed for such a short time. I went down the front steps and helped them finish loading everything.

By the time Jasper slammed the trunk lid, there was just enough room inside for Edward's bag. Everyone went back into the house, and I followed them to the kitchen, where Jasper began pouring coffee for everyone. I brought out the cream and sugar, and I tried to join in the conversations around me, but I just felt…flat. Wrong, somehow.

My mood didn't improve any when Edward walked into the kitchen freshly showered with his bag in his hand. He said, "Show me where your luggage is, Ali, so I can put it in the car." Emmett told him it was already done, and Edward frowned, saying that he was going to load the car.

Jasper snickered, grinning as he said, "It was a great excuse to bug Em and Rose."

He shrugged as everyone laughed, Rosalie glaring at her twin though a smile quirked her lips. The smile on my face felt fake, and I stayed quiet as the rest of them joked. All of it just drove home that Edward really was leaving, and I fixed him a cup of coffee in silence just to have something to do. He murmured his thanks, taking a sip before he set it to the side and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind as he leaned against the counter.

My fingertips traced his hands as I let their voices wash over me. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood, all things considered, even Edward the few times I heard his voice. I didn't register what he – or anyone else, to be honest – was saying until he straightened, and I stepped to the side. I watched as Emmett patted him on the back, saying, "Have a safe trip, fucker. Tell Carlisle and Esme I said hi."

Edward laughed. "I will. You know Mom's going to invite you to Christmas again."

With a grin, Emmett answered, "You know I would, too, but I'm going home for Christmas this year."

I watched woodenly as Emmett and Edward finished saying goodbye before Rosalie stepped over to hug Edward. That brought a hint of a smile to my lips, and then Alice was suddenly there, her arms around my waist as she kissed my cheek. Jasper and Edward exchanged a guy hug as Jasper said, "Have a great trip, man. Be careful on the drive."

I felt a fluttering of panic as I realized that this was it – they were leaving now. Before I could even seek him out, Edward's arms were around me. I clung to him tightly, my face buried in his chest. A distant corner of my mind tried to tell me to grow up – it was "only" three days, after all – but I couldn't hear it over the sound of my heartbeat.

His hands rubbed my back soothingly, silence around us until I finally lifted my head. I hadn't heard everyone else leaving, but we were alone in the kitchen, and Edward gave me a tiny smile as he whispered gruffly, "There are no words for how much I'll miss you."

I swallowed, my mind racing, but in the end, I was only able to nod and answer quietly, "I know…no words."

That beautiful crooked grin was on his face then, and he murmured, "Three days," nodding as if convincing himself. We shared a sweet kiss and then parted.

He slipped his pinkie into mine as we walked to the front door side-by-side. When we stepped out onto the porch, Emmett was standing with his massive arms wrapped around Rosalie, shielding her from the cold. Jasper was out by Edward's Volvo, talking to Alice, who was sitting inside with the car running. He glanced over at the sound of the door and leaned in, kissing her once more before they said their goodbyes, and he closed the door.

Edward took my hand, squeezing it once as he kissed my forehead. "Stay here…it's too damn cold out…" he said softly. I looked up at him, his eyes reflecting all those things I felt that neither of us had words for.

He hugged me briefly, a ghost of a kiss lighting on my lips, and then he was gone. I watched his back as he made his way to the car, and I really felt the cold for the first time. I sensed Jasper standing close to me and slipped my arm around his waist just as his settled on my shoulders. He held me close, and I rested my head against his shoulder.

We watched together, waving as we saw Edward and Alice wave in the glow of the dash lights. The silver car turned around and drove away, leaving me feeling hollow. I heard Rosalie's quiet voice, and then the door closed.

I squeezed my eyes shut, surprised when I felt something drip onto my cheek. I hadn't realized I was crying. Jasper rubbed my upper arm gently before turning me around to face him and pulling me into his embrace.

"Shh…" he whispered. "I know, Bells…I know. It'll be alright…" He kept up his quiet encouragement as my tears slowed and then dried.

His voice sounded wrong somehow, just a little off, and I realized that his love had just driven away, too. He was doing what he'd done for so many years now, putting me first, making sure I was okay, and I was filled with love and admiration – and a little bit of fucking awe - for him. That one moment showed me what I'd known, but never really fully understood.

Jasper was fucking unbelievable.

My face was hidden in his chest, and I squeezed him tightly, smiling when I heard his –oof-. When I raised my head, he was smiling down at me. "Feeling better?" he asked.

I nodded. "You?"

He shrugged and gave me a lopsided grin. "I'll make it."

We both sighed at the same time, and Jasper chuckled. "Let's get inside, B. It's fucking freezing out here."

He tickled my ribs as I stepped back, and then he ducked away as I swatted at him. He walked a couple of steps in front of me, and when we reached our rooms at the end of the hall, he stopped and looked at me.

"Want me to tuck you in?"

The smile on my lips was genuine as I looked up at my best friend. I took a moment to really consider his offer…there was always something wholly comforting about Jasper being there when I crawled into bed, feeling him kiss my forehead and hearing him make some stupid comment before he turned out my light and closed my door. My instinct was to say yes, of course. That was just normal, just what we'd always done.

But I didn't want my normal anymore.

"I think I'll be okay." My voice was quiet, but I'd said it – and the beaming, proud smile on Jasper's face was enough to make me blush. I rolled my eyes at him, muttering under my breath, but I couldn't stop the smile on my face either.

"Alright, silly girl. Well, you know where I am if you need me." He nodded to his door just across from mine.

"I do…and you know where I am, too, right?"

His smile softened as he said, "That I do. Good night, Bells." With that, he hugged me briefly and kissed my forehead before we each turned to our doors.

As soon as I walked into my room, I almost turned around and walked out.

One more night wouldn't hurt…right?

I bit my bottom lip to stop from calling out for Jasper. I felt it immediately – the difference, the absence. A void seemed to empty me, one that came with the knowledge that Edward wasn't there – not in my bed, not in this house…not even in this town.

Taking a deep breath, I let it out with a sigh, straightening my back as I walked to the bed. My shoulders slumped when I got there, but I crawled beneath the covers, the scent of Edward both making me ache and soothing the hurt I felt. His fragrance was strong in the room, and when my head settled on the pillow, I heard something crinkle.

The unexpected sound startled me, and I shot upright in bed, reaching toward the lamp. As quickly as my fright had come, it dissipated, and I was left with only curiosity as I clicked on the light. I searched in my pillowcase, pulling out a small package that brought with it the distinctive fragrance of sandalwood. A small giggle escaped me when I saw that it was wrapped in notebook paper, and I sat there for a moment just looking at it as I wondered what was inside.

Idiot.

I rolled my eyes at myself and started to turn it over to open it. As soon as I moved my hand, though, a bar of soap slid out into my lap. I raised it to my face, inhaling Edward as tears filled my eyes again and a silly smile settled on my lips. Lowering it, I caught sight of the label and laughed out loud when I saw the name.

Stud Bubbles?

I giggled, tracing the letters with my fingertip before I inhaled once more and then put the soap on my nightstand. I opened the paper slowly, hoping like hell that he'd left me some sort of message along with his unusual – and perfect – gift.

Once I had carefully unfolded the paper, I smoothed it across my knee, staring down at Edward's handwriting for the first time. It was amazingly neat – much more so than mine, which I found ironic since he was studying to be a doctor. After spending a minute or more doing nothing but looking at the note in my lap, I finally began to read the words with my heart in my throat.

Dear Bella –

I'm no good at this sort of thing…using just words to explain how I feel. I'd much rather be there to show you, but since that's impossible right now, I wanted to at least try to let you know what you mean to me.

I'm sitting in the guest room I'm sharing with Emmett, waiting for him to get out of the shower, and you just left here a few minutes ago. I've started this note at least half a dozen times, and nothing seems right. Every time I try to say what I feel, someone else has already said it better, so I finally decided to let one of them speak for me. I hope you understand why.

Please remember that I love you and know that you are constantly on my mind, in every thought I have.

Always,

Edward

I sighed quietly, rereading his words as I moved my pillow to lean against the headboard and settled back against it. I could nearly hear the smooth tones of his voice saying the words to me, and I closed my eyes, imagining him there beside me.

It was a dangerous game I was playing, though, and before I could let myself get too carried away, I opened my eyes to see what else he had written. The tears that threatened earlier spilled onto my cheeks as soon as I saw the first lines, written in Edward's elegant scrawl but ingrained in my mind for years.

Sweetest love, I do not go,
For weariness of thee,
Nor in hope the world can show
A fitter love for me

I don't know how many times I read through the poem, poring over the words as if I couldn't recite them from memory. By the time I finished, I had Edward's short note memorized as well, and my phone was in my hand.

I debated calling him, but I didn't trust my voice, and I knew Alice would be there beside him as well. In the end, I decided to go for something simple. He would understand. My fingers flew over the keys, sending the only text I could just then.

I love you.

I didn't expect an answer right away; I knew he was driving and still had a few hours ahead of him on the road. But that didn't stop me from staring at my phone wistfully after I'd folded the note and tucked it under the bar of soap. As the silent moments marched on, I stretched out on the bed, lying on my side with my arm under my pillow.

I tried to go to sleep, but my eyes kept popping open to look at the blank screen on my phone. Eventually, I did feel drowsy, the excitement and lack of sleep catching up with me, and I was just dozing off when I heard the tell-tale beep of a text.

My hand darted out, grabbing the phone before my eyes were even fully open. I smiled down at the name "Edward" on the screen and then hit the button to read his message.

You are the best of me.

I blinked and read it again, my breathing shallow as I recognized the paraphrase. My eyes still on the phone, I reached over and carefully slid the note toward me, unfolding it once more. I finally glanced away from the small screen then, my eyes searching out the fourth stanza of the poem.

When thou sigh'st, thou sigh'st not wind,
But sigh'st my soul away ;
When thou weep'st, unkindly kind,
My life's blood doth decay.
It cannot be
That thou lovest me as thou say'st,
If in thine my life thou waste,
That art the best of me.

My mind was overloaded, the possible implications of his text too much for my sleep-deprived brain, but I was left with a strong sense of just…being loved. And it was the most beautiful feeling in my world.

With a soft, content sigh, I returned the note to its place on the nightstand, but I couldn't bring myself to clear the text. With my phone still in hand, I fell asleep with my arm curled toward my chest, Edward's message resting near my heart.

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JPOV

I tapped the steering wheel irritably as I sped toward La Push. The sun was still rising, just hovering over the horizon, but I hadn't been able to sleep.

Besides, I knew Jake would be awake.

On the drive up, I'd been the voice of reason, telling Edward and Emmett we couldn't just go kick the shit out of him. And I'd meant it…at the time. But the more I watched Bella with Edward, the more I saw how hard she was trying…and the happiness in her eyes that had been missing for years…

I clenched my jaw, my teeth grinding as my nostrils flared. I shook my head.

That fucker better not mess this up for her.

I'd known for years that Jake was into Bella – all of us had. We would've had to have been blind not to. But for him to have witnessed firsthand everything she went through and how far she'd come and still put his own selfish desires above hers just sickened me.

When Alice had left earlier this morning, I'd been left with way too much time alone to think. I'd tried to fall asleep but just couldn't…it felt wrong without her there, and I was antsy, worried about the haunted look I'd seen in Bella's eyes just before she'd turned to go to her room. It stung a little that she didn't need me anymore the way she had for so long, but I was so fucking proud of her. All of her progress had to look minimal to anyone on the outside, but for me, as someone who'd been there from the beginning, it was earth-shattering.

When she'd told me she didn't need me to tuck her in, I'd seen the reluctance in her eyes. She knew all she had to do was say the word, and I'd be there. But she didn't – and that alone told me she really was moving on.

I still felt hollow sometimes when I wondered what I was supposed to do with myself once Bella didn't need me so much anymore, but all it took was one look from Alice, and I knew where I belonged.

So I'd found myself sitting in bed fully clothed, tossing a baseball into the air and catching it over and over and over. At first, I hadn't been sure what was wrong, but as my toe had begun to tap and my jaw to clench and relax, I'd eventually realized that my thoughts were circling around someone unexpected: Jacob Michael Black.

I didn't think he understood how fragile Bella was, even now. Yes, she was stronger than she had been, and God knows she'd come further than I ever thought she would. But the wrong words from us – the people she loved and respected, the ones who'd been her world for so long now – could shake her confidence and…break her.

I'll be goddamned if I let that happen.

My foot pressed harder on the accelerator, willing my dad's old truck to go just a little faster. I would've taken Rosalie's car, but I knew she'd be dragging Emmett out for some Black Friday shopping. I snorted.

Better him than me.

My humor was as short-lived as my smile, and I sighed, glowering the rest of the way to La Push. When I pulled up at the small house Jake still shared with his father, I found him sitting on the steps of the front porch, leaning against the post with his legs sprawled in front of him. His head turned at the sound of the truck, and he raised a hand half-heartedly before running his fingers through his hair and standing.

He looked…"morose" was the only word that came to mind.

I frowned as I cut the engine, climbing out of the truck. I wasn't expecting a sad Jake, and to be honest, it pissed me off a little bit more. I was expecting him to be the same asshole he'd been to Bella – not the guy who'd been one of my closest friends for years.

"Fucking figures," I muttered under my breath, pocketing my keys.

I climbed the stairs and rested one shoulder against the post of the railing, crossing my arms in front of my chest as I looked at Jake levelly. He watched me for a moment and then scrubbed both his hands across his face. With his face still covered, he mumbled, "She fucking hates me, doesn't she?"

I raised an eyebrow but didn't answer. When he finally lowered his hands to look at me, I could hear the drawl in my voice as I said pointedly, "I don't know. She's always been more forgivin' than me."

He heard the implication in both my words and tone, and he hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans and spread his feet. His demeanor was cocky, and his face held equal measures of defiance and confidence. "That right?"

I nodded once.

He waited – I guess for some sort of response – but when I gave nothing further, he seemed to deflate. His shoulders slumped as his hands dropped to loose fists by his side. He turned away, going to stand at the edge of the porch and look out at the trees surrounding his house. His hands gripped the railing, his thumbs flicking at the peeling white paint as he swallowed. "Do you hate me?"

I rolled my eyes, frustrated with the way he was responding. "No, I don't hate you. But what the fuck were you thinking, jackass?"

His head whipped around toward me, his eyes flashing. "Don't fucking call me that."

That's right…get pissed.

I was dimly aware that I was goading him, picking a fight, and that was alright with me. He'd been a goddamn prick, and it was time someone called him on it. "You yell at my best friend like that, and I'll call you whatever the hell I want."

I took a step toward him, and his eyes narrowed as he turned his body to face me. He took a deep breath, visibly calming himself, and when he answered, his voice was so quiet that I could barely hear him. "I didn't mean to. I really didn't. But then the things she was saying…I just got…" He shook his head, rolling his eyes. "…so fucking pissed off. She's so naïve!" He started ranting, muttering to himself under his breath, and I reached out, putting a hand on his chest to stop him before he started pacing.

"What are you talking about?"

"All of it. This perfect guy, this Edward." He rolled his eyes again. "It's all a crock of shit. She thinks he's some goddamn saint, all patient and caring and whatever-the-fuck-else. It's bullshit, J, and you know it."

My first instinct was to jump to Edward's defense, and the impulse gave me pause. I exhaled, puffing out my cheeks as I realized that Jake was exactly where I'd been just a few short weeks ago. Looking from the outside in, it really did seem too good to be true. I'd taken a leap of faith based on what I'd seen, but I knew Bella like no one else did. I saw her every day, and I'd watched as that little worry line that was always – always – just above her eyebrows gradually disappeared. I'd heard her singing around the apartment, giggling and being silly. And I'd seen the way Edward watched her like she was his whole goddamn world.

Jake's little speech hit me hard, though, because he struck on the one thing I was still secretly worried about. It was deep down, hidden even from me most of the time, but I knew it was there.

What if I'm wrong?

I took a shallow breath, shoving the thought away. My frustration with Jake was compounded by my own fears and disappointment in myself, making my voice harsher than I'd intended. "It's not fucking bullshit. You haven't seen how good he is to her, and you won't because you're so goddamn blinded by your own jealousy. Because that's all this is, Jake. You're pissed off that she didn't pick you, and you're pitching a fit like a toddler who lost his favorite toy."

"Don't you dare-" he started, taking a step toward me before abruptly turning away. He put his hands on the railing again and seemed to be trying to break it in two, squeezing and twisting so that paint chips dropped to the ground. He took a moment to gather himself, his hands relaxing, and his jaw worked before he finally said, "I love her, J."

"Do you?" The words whipped out of me before I'd even consciously thought of them. "Do you even know her, Jake?"

"I know her," he whispered, still looking away from me.

"Do you?" I pushed, asking the same question again. "Do you really know her? Jake…" I trailed off briefly, trying to decide how much to say. I knew I had the words to make Jake back off – or at least see that there was a lot more to Bella's past than he knew about – but that wasn't my story to tell. "Look, man, I can't tell you everything I know…but what I can tell you is that the Bella you see? That's not Bella. I mean, it is, of course, but she…she acts. Even with you guys. Hell, even with me sometimes. It's like she's on a stage, putting on whatever performance she thinks we want to see. You know how she is. She thinks it's her job to watch out for people, take care of them. She won't let you see how hurt she really is."

I realized there were countless ways he could take my words, but I couldn't think of a single one of those interpretations that wouldn't be accurate, so I quieted, letting my words hang in the air. My hands tightened into fists as I thought about the way Bella let her mother apologize endlessly because she thought it helped Renee, no matter what it was doing to Bella herself. There had been so many times that I'd fought the irrational urge to shake her when I could tell she was putting on a brave face for me.

But that had been changing recently. Some of her walls were crumbling, and as much as I hated to fucking admit it, the only difference was…Edward. It rankled like a motherfucker that he'd been able to heal her so much in a month when I'd spent years trying to help her get over what that asshole had done to her, but at the heart of it all, I felt gratitude. As much as I'd wanted to be the one to fix her, it was actually sort of a relief to have some help. I would've had to have been blind – or the most arrogant douchebag on the planet – to not recognize the changes in her since Edward came into our lives.

The courage she'd shown last night when she went to bed on her own…that wasn't the same thing as the false bravery I'd come to expect from her in situations like that. She was stronger, more confident, and anyone who could bring about that kind of change in her had earned my respect.

At once, I realized that silence still hung heavy in the air, and I lifted my eyes to find Jake. He was staring at the trees surrounding his house, his face expressionless. I watched him until he finally nodded, turning to look at me.

"That's alright. I've got time."

I blinked. Then I stared at him incredulously.

Then I fucking exploded. "You've got time? Fucking hell, Jake, haven't you heard a goddamn word I've said? You know how much I love Bella. Do you think I'd just step aside and let some random asshole off the street get close to her? She loves him. He loves her. All you can do is get in the way."

He rolled his eyes, and it took every shred of restraint I had not to punch him in his smug face. "I can't believe you fell for his shit, too. J, he's sleeping in her bed. Already. You think that's all fucking innocent, and he's not trying anything?"

"Completely innocent? No, of course not. I'm not stupid. But the fact is, jackass, that Bella trusts him enough to let him in her bed."

Jake snorted, shaking his head. "Unbelievable," he muttered.

I clenched my jaw once before forcing it to relax as I inhaled. "Jake, you have two choices. Back the fuck off right now…or let me know if I need to kick your ass. I will not let you mess this up for her."

He blinked his eyes rapidly, his mouth opening slightly in obvious disbelief and exasperation. "You've known me since we were kids, Jasper, and you're telling me you're on his side? What the fuck?"

"No. Dickhead. I'm on Bella's side. You know this. As long as he's good to her and he keeps making her smile like that, he is a damn saint in my mind. And if you loved her like you claim to, you'd wake the fuck up and see that she's happy for the first time in seven years. How could you even think about taking that away from her?"

As I spoke, his mouth opened and closed as he started to interrupt several times. By the end, though, he'd snapped it closed and was watching me with a pained look on his face, his eyes tight. He looked away without saying anything. For once, Jake was left speechless, and I let the quiet linger before I lowered my voice and spoke again.

"One more thing, Jake. And you better listen the fuck up."

I waited until he raised his head. His jaw was clenched at my tone, but I didn't care. He deserved worse.

"If I ever hear you suggest that what happened to Bella wasn't real or that she exaggerated or anything like that again-" I held up a finger when he opened his mouth to interrupt. "I will kick your ass. And that's a fucking promise."

I actually heard the rumble of a growl from deep within his chest, but it was tempered by the pain and shame I saw in his eyes as my words sunk in. He didn't say anything, and I was torn, almost wishing he'd be an asshole so I could let out some of this pent up frustration by stomping him into the ground. I sighed instead.

"Jake, you've been a great friend to us for a long time. You know we both love you. But I can tell you right now that if you don't get over this shit with Edward, you won't be welcome anymore…and it won't be just Bella that says so."

Long minutes went by where neither of us said anything. Jake seemed to be sizing me up, testing my resolve, but I didn't crack. He was fooling himself if he thought I didn't mean even one of the words I'd said.

He inclined his head, lifting his chin as he muttered, "I see how it's going to be."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Tell you what…I know you're upset right now, so I'm going to give you some space. You know where I am. Give me a call when you decide to stop being an ass and support Bella." Not waiting for him to answer, I stepped forward, clapping him on the back as I gave him a brief hug. I turned and walked away, not looking back until I was in the truck and had started the engine.

Jake was still standing there on the front porch, now leaning against the house with his arms crossed over his chest. I couldn't see his expression clearly, but I doubted I'd made much of an impact at all. Muttering to myself, I sighed as I turned onto the road that would lead me out of La Push.

Contrary to what I'd said, it would hurt like hell for us to cut him out of our lives. Bella, especially, wouldn't understand it. She'd internalize, deciding she'd done something wrong, and it would probably hurt her worse than the harsh words he'd said to her. She didn't seem to understand the implications in them, and I wondered if she'd really even heard all that Emmett said had transpired. When I thought of Jake asking if it had been real…I still wanted to kick his fucking ass.

But I'd bit back my sarcastic comments and kept my fists to myself, and even though I had doubts about how much he'd taken in, I hoped that some of it would germinate inside that thick skull of his and maybe eventually grow into some sort of clue. Of course, if he even hinted again that Bella had made up what happened with James and the aftermath we'd been living with for years, I didn't think I'd be able to control myself.

My thoughts ran in circles all the way back to Forks. Even though I was still frustrated with him, I felt more at ease now that I'd confronted him and said what I needed to say. As I turned onto my parents' road, I yawned, the lack of sleep catching up to me at last. I drove down the winding driveway and parked beneath the tree where my dad always left the truck.

My legs felt leaden as I climbed the front steps back into the house, where I could hear my mother in the kitchen. When I glanced in and waved at her, she smiled, took in my appearance, and clucked her tongue. She walked over, taking the keys from my hand as she hugged me and then stepped back, giving me a stern look.

"I won't ask where you've been, young man, but you look like death warmed over. I have a good mind to send you out to help your father cut wood for the fireplace, but I won't. You have guests, Jasper. You'd best get back into bed so you're up to entertain them later."

"Yes, ma'am," I mumbled, wishing like hell she'd just let me go already. I yawned quietly, my eyes watering as I scratched the back of my head, and her expression softened.

She hugged me again, lowering her voice as she held me close. "Bella is looking so much better…I'm so proud of you, son."

I blinked in confusion, my mind growing fuzzier by the minute. "Why? I didn't do anything. It's Edward."

She stepped back, tilting her head up to look at me. She pinched my side and muttered, "Now that's a damn fool thing to say, and I didn't raise any fools. Jasper, baby, you know I adore Bella. I always have. But without you, there's no telling what would've happened to that poor girl. I know Charlie tried his best, but he didn't have the first idea what to do with her." She trailed off, a soft smile growing on her face. "You're dead on your feet…go to bed, sweetie. You know your mama…"

I hugged her again, resting my chin on the top of her head as I grinned lazily. "Thanks, Mama…I won't sleep too long, I promise."

She muttered something under her breath that I didn't catch – but I was just as glad not to. By the time I started down the hallway, I could already hear the rattle of pots and pans behind me. I pushed my way into my bedroom and the noise mercifully faded away as I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into bed. I was asleep within moments.

I don't know how long I slept, but I woke up when the mattress depressed as someone settled on it. For a split-second, I thought Alice had come back, but then the weight of Bella's arm was around my waist as she cuddled up next to me. I gave a half-smile, my eyes still closed as I muttered, "Morning, silly girl."

"Morning? It's three o'clock, Jazz." She giggled, but it sounded a little flat as she pressed her forehead between my shoulder blades.

I frowned, repressing my sigh. When I tried to roll over to face her, she tightened her arm around me stubbornly, keeping her head firmly against my back so I couldn't move. Instead, I reached over my shoulder, ruffling her hair. "What's the matter, Bells?"

I felt her shrug and then sigh as she released me. "I just…miss him," she whispered.

"Yeah…I know what you mean." I groaned, stretching as I settled on my back, my arm stretched across the pillow. She accepted the silent invitation, resting her cheek on my chest as she moved closer to me. "I miss him, too."

She started to nod and then processed what I said, snorting as she laughed. "You're such a damn dork." She giggled, and I smiled at the sound, closing my eyes again as I rubbed her upper arm.

"Yup. You love me, though."

"Yup."

We lay there silently for a while, and I nearly drifted back off to sleep before she sat up. "Hell, no…come on, Jasper. Get your ass up. Rose and Emmett are going to be back soon."

I was warm and comfortable and still sleepy, so I did the only thing I could. I pouted. "So?"

It didn't work.

"So you're not leaving me alone with them. Besides, we have serious slumber party planning to do. Now get your ass out of bed and go take a shower because you reek."

She wrinkled her nose playfully, and I rolled my eyes, scratching my bare chest. "Sure, sure…" At the casual use of the phrase we'd all picked up from Jake, my eyes snapped open, and I sat up.

Bella looked at me pointedly, an eyebrow raised in a silent question.

I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging lightly as I decided to get it over with. She'd find out anyway, and I wasn't awake enough to be evasive. Instead, I went for blunt. "So…I went to talk to Jake."

"You did…what? Why?" The note of honest confusion in her voice made me grit my teeth at how oblivious she could be sometimes.

I took her hand, resting it on the mattress between us as I shifted up to lean against my headboard. "Because, Bells, he was a fucking prick to you. I wasn't going to let him get away with that."

Bella frowned, and when she opened her mouth, I knew it was going to be to defend him, and I really couldn't take that shit. Not given the implications he'd made. This was always the problem with Bella - she thought that every problem was her fault, no matter what it was. Sure, she was pissed at him initially, but now that she'd had a chance to calm down and think things over, she would "see" where she had been wrong.

"Don't." I put my hand across her mouth, and she wrinkled her forehead, biting my palm. "Ouch! Damn it, Bella..."

"Don't what?"

"Don't defend him...don't tell me that it's okay and he 'was just' or whatever the hell else you're going to say. He was out of line, and I called him on it."

She didn't respond, just sitting there frowning at me.

"I wish you would call him on some of his shit sometimes." I felt my frustration growing with the confused look on her face. "Bella, do you seriously think it's okay that he thinks that what happened to you wasn't a big deal?"

At the flash of pain in her eyes, I was instantly contrite. Fuck...

I sighed, pulling her close as I kissed her temple. "Sorry," I mumbled, my jaw clenching. My nostrils flared as I breathed deeply, trying to calm myself.

When she inhaled, I braced myself because I knew those words - those defenses - would come anyway.

"Did he really say that?" Her voice was quiet, but there was a subtle menace to it that I had never heard before.

Her face was turned toward the bed, watching her fingers as they played with the tie of her pajama pants. That thick brown hair was a curtain between us, and I reached out, pulling it back so I could see at least the side of her face.

"Say what, Bells?" I kept my voice quiet and calm, trying to be encouraging so I wouldn't betray the surprise I felt.

She looked up then, and the fire in her eyes matched the steel in her voice. "Did he say it wasn't a big deal?"

My eyes widened as I took in the look on her face, the way her jaw was set in a stubborn line while her eyes blazed. Not wanting to answer carelessly, I thought back to what Emmett had said, specifically. "I don't know exactly what was said, Bella. I wasn't there. But from what I understand...he at least implied that...that maybe you made it up. Or exaggerated?"

There was no reason for my words to be a question, but her response had thrown me off-balance, and I was too busy watching her to moderate my tone.

"I see."

What the fuck does that mean?

"Bells?"

She had been staring ahead, her jaw working as she thought, and she jumped a little as she glanced over at me. "What?"

"You alright?"

I wasn't ready for the sight of her blinking rapidly, tears filling her eyes as her chin quivered. She tilted her head back, looking up at the ceiling as she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. She lowered her face then, burying it against her knees as her hair formed a barrier between us. I saw her shoulders shake, heard those all-too-familiar whimpers and sniffles.

What the hell?

The last thing I'd expected my news to do was make her break down this way. I was prepared for her to yell at me. To defend him. To even not care and just go about her business with that numb look on her face. But this...

Without even thinking, I moved to sit beside her, wrapping my arms around her. For once, she didn't lean against me, didn't let me comfort her. She was curled up in a ball, collapsing in on her self, and there was nothing I could do. I sat with my arms around her, rubbing gently as I murmurmed, "Shh...Bella, sweetheart, what is it? Talk to me, Bells..."

I couldn't take it - this not knowing what she was going through. There was nothing I could do, though, but sit there, rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head as I whispered softly to her. Eventually she stilled, and she leaned against me for a moment before she pulled away and scrubbed at her cheeks angrily.

"What if he's right?" Her voice was strangled, choked with emotion, and I frowned as her words sank in.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"What if he's right? What if I am making too big a deal out of…out of all of this?" She bit her bottom lip, pulling the sleeves of her long-sleeved t-shirt down over her hands as she wrapped her arms back around her legs. My mind stupidly focused on the shirt for a moment, noticing that it was a new one – a Washington Huskies soccer shirt – before I shook the thought away and returned all my attention to what she was saying. "Jazz, what if I…" She sniffled and hiccoughed before continuing, "What if I could've been okay all this time? Maybe it wasn't really that bad. Maybe I fu-"

"God damn it, Bella! You just stop. Right. There." Her eyes flashed with anger, but I didn't fucking care. I wasn't about to listen to that shit. "Give me a chance to say something?"

Her jaw tightened and she lifted her chin, nodding once.

Of course, now that I had her attention, I really didn't want to say what I needed to say. We'd talked about so much over the years, but one thing I'd always avoided was the aftermath of James' attack. Bella didn't remember most of it – or if she did, she never mentioned it – and I hadn't wanted to talk about it, much less upset her with it.

I took a deep breath and exhaled, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands before I began speaking. Vaguely, I was aware that I was using Bella's trick, looking ahead so I didn't have to see the reaction to what I was saying, and for the first time, I really understood why she did that.

"When I first got to the hospital…" I barely recognized my own voice, rough and gravelly with anger and regret and reluctance. "Bells, you looked…dead. They warned us before we went in that you looked rough, but I wasn't ready to…to see…" I broke off, swallowing as I remembered her lying there, her face pale and waxen, the dark rings around her eyes standing out in sharp contrast. Her cheekbones seemed sharp enough to cut through her skin, and her lips were gray and chapped with an angry split in the bottom one.

Shaking my head, I tried to shake my memories. "It was bad, Bella. That doesn't even come close to what really…" God damn, when did I become so tongue-tied? "But as bad as you looked, physically, I knew you were going to make it. They told us that you were unresponsive because you were sedated, and I was okay with that. I was angry…" I trailed off, making a small noise of disbelief at the ridiculous understatement. "And lost, and you didn't even open your eyes that first day."

I sat there at the side of her bed, watching all the blinking lights, my eyes focused on the spiking line that was her heartbeat. Anything to keep from looking at the broken body lying on the bed. Plaster and gauze, IVs and needles, goddamn plastic tubing everywhere, all running to the shell of my best friend who hadn't opened her eyes in the seven hours I'd been sitting here in this plastic chair.

It was getting late, and I tensed when I heard the footsteps in the hallway. So far, they'd let me stay at her side, but I knew this would be the time they kicked me out.

Or tried to.

"I argued with the nurse…my mom, your mom…your dad…finally, they let me stay overnight, but I had to wait in the waiting room. I passed out at some point, and as soon as people started coming in again, I was back in your room." I felt Bella's hand slip into mine, and a ghost of a smile settled on my lips as I squeezed her hand in return.

It faded as quickly as it had come.

"You finally opened your eyes that morning, but…" I licked my lips, staring down at Bella's hand in mine. "You might as well not have for all the damn difference it made."

I lifted my head at last, glancing at her, but the sight of her brown eyes swimming in unshed tears was too much for me, and I quickly ducked my head again. "Your eyes were dead. Like you weren't even there. When I asked if it was…him…something flickered in them, but you wouldn't even look at me. Even when I got in your face, you managed not to see me."

I stopped for a moment, letting my words hang in the air as I tried to think of how to phrase what I wanted to say next. "Four days. Four fucking days we sat like that. I tried to talk to you. I'm not sure if you listened or not…"

She took a shaky breath and whispered, "I'm sorry, Jazz."

I wanted to growl. She was missing the point. Again.

Instead, I took a deep breath and laced my fingers through hers, schooling my expression before I turned to look at her. I kept my eyes trained on hers even though I wanted to look away, and my voice was steady as I said, "No, Bella. Don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I'm trying to tell you that Jake is…Dead. Fucking. Wrong. What happened to you was very real and very traumatic, and he can go fuck himself if he doubts that for one second."

Her eyes flickered between mine as she swallowed. I couldn't read her. I'd noticed that more and more lately…the predictable responses were gone, and I wanted to cheer that she'd stopped being so goddamn robotic all the time, even if it made anticipating what she needed harder.

She smiled.

And then she hugged me so tightly she nearly cracked my ribs.

I laughed, wrapping my arms around her again and sliding us both down on the bed. She settled against me, her head on my chest, and she tickled my ribs as she murmured, "Thank you."

I shook my head with a fond, disbelieving smile. "No need for thanks, silly girl. Just telling you what I know."

And thanking God you didn't freak the fuck out on me.

Her hair was tickling my nose, and I wrinkled it, trying to get it to stop. I brushed her hair back and settled more comfortably on my pillow, hoping like hell that Bella would let me sleep a little longer now. She surprised me, cuddling up close and resting her hand on my chest with a soft sigh. She relaxed in my arms, and we lay that way for a long time. I assumed she hadn't slept very well after Edward left because before long, her breathing was even and light, the regular sound lulling me to sleep as well.

It seemed like only minutes later that my door slammed open and Rosalie's annoying voice said, "Are you two still in bed?"

"Go the fuck away, Rosie," I muttered, my eyes still closed.

"Not a chance, Spazzy Jazzy. Get up. Now. Dinner's in fifteen minutes, and you know what's after dinner." She sang the last, her voice becoming this half-irritating, half-silly sound that made me laugh in spite of myself.

Bella was giggling, too, and she rolled away to sit up on the side of my bed with her feet hanging over the edge. "Fucking Rosalie," she yawned and then stood up. She turned back, tossing a pillow at my head. "No fair, by the way, tricking me into napping with you."

I just smiled at her angelically.

She rolled her eyes and snorted. "Take a shower, stinky," she called over her shoulder as she closed my door.

I sniffed myself and shrugged. I don't fucking stink. But I dutifully got up and went to my suitcase, rifling through my clothes and pulling out a clean pair of boxers and t-shirt. I showered quickly, eventually thankful that Rose had given me a fifteen minute warning - it wasn't a good idea to show up late to dinner in the Hale household.

When I finished, I dressed again and pulled on a pair of fresh socks, not bothering with shoes as I went straight to the kitchen. Mama was there, of course, and I kissed her cheek before grabbing dishes to set the table.

With the exception of Emmett, dinner was just like old times. We talked about Dad's work and Mama's garden and how school was going for Bella and me. Rosalie told us all about the house she'd bought in Seattle before she left Portland. It was an older house, two bedrooms, and she fell in love with it immediately. I'd known about it and had helped with some of the paperwork, but it was all news to Bella. When she glanced at me, my eyes flashed her an apology, and I saw her smile tighten before she nodded and the smile reached her eyes again.

Soon, we were clearing the dishes and putting away leftovers. My parents said their good nights to everyone, and as soon as they had gone to their room to watch TV, Rosalie rubbed her hands together. "Alright, annual Hale-Swan sleepover starts in fifteen minutes!"

Bella caught my eye and grinned, and I chuckled, smiling in return. I told Rosalie I was going to change, and when Bella started off down the hall after me, Rose called out, "You better have your asses in the living room in fifteen minutes!"

When I glanced down at Bella again, her eyes issued a challenge, and we took off running at the same time. We stayed side-by-side, Bella doing this weird little skip thing, and I heard her door close just before I shut mine. With a stupid smile still on my face, I let my jeans fall to the floor and pulled on some pajama pants. We were utterly ridiculous on these nights, but I didn't care.

Rosalie had started this sleepover tradition when we were nine, just a year after we met Bella. It hadn't taken long for us all to become one big family. The only year we'd ever skipped was the year Bella had been in Phoenix, and the following Thanksgiving had been the first time – in nearly a goddamn year – that she'd acted like herself.

So I gladly let them do whatever the hell they wanted to do to me. I sang stupid songs and played Truth or Dare and hung out with my girls, nearly being one for one night of the year.

And it was damn well worth it.

I used the restroom and washed my hands, drying them before running my fingers through my hair and trying to get my mind in the right place for the night. When I walked back out of my bedroom, I noticed Bella's door was still shut, and I could hear her muffled voice. I started to knock but then caught Edward's name and lowered my hand, grinning as I headed toward the living room.

When I got there, Rosalie had Emmett sitting on the couch, his feet on the coffee table with those damn little foam things between his toes, and she was painting his toenails some sort of shimmery purple. I plopped down on the loveseat, reaching over for a handful of popcorn from the bowl sitting near Emmett's feet.

"That's a good look for you, Em." I snickered, and he swatted at my hand, sending the popcorn flying as I laughed outright.

"Don't laugh, fucker," he warned. "You're next."

I smirked at him and shrugged. "Always am."

Bella walked in the room then, her eyes a little red around the edges, and to draw attention away from her, I said, "Just be glad she hasn't whipped out the eyeliner."

Rose didn't look up, smirking as she painted Emmett's little toenail. "That's next."

Emmett's expression was goddamn priceless – eyes wide and unblinking, mouth gaping open as he looked to me for help. I shrugged and snickered again, this time pulling the bowl of popcorn in my lap as I settled back to eat it. "It's easier just to go along with it, man. Otherwise, she'll pin you down and torture you with the tweezers."

Bella's giggle drew my gaze, and I was happy to see that she seemed relaxed again. She walked over to the DVDs and picked one out, popping it into the player before she came over to the loveseat with the remote in hand. She bumped me with her hip, saying, "Scoot over."

We sat on the loveseat together, eating popcorn and alternating between making fun of Emmett and watching Finding Nemo. We'd seen the damn thing so many times that we said half the lines with the characters, and before long, Rosalie finished with Emmett and moved on to Bella's toes. She'd spared him the makeup so far, but when he reached over to grab some popcorn, I muttered, "I wouldn't get too comfortable…she's giving you a false sense of security."

Rose tried to play innocent, but I caught the wicked gleam in her eyes. She searched through her nail polish and pulled out a soft pink for Bella, imitating Dory speaking whale as she worked. As soon as she finished with Bella's pedicure, she turned to me with a bright smile.

"Jazzy! Let's see…" She clapped her hands once, and she and Bella bent over her case again while I leaned back further in the loveseat and rolled my eyes.

By the time my toenails had been painted a garish lime green, Emmett and I had finished the popcorn and Finding Nemo had ended. Bella hopped up, going to the DVD rack and running her finger along the titles. "Sin City?" she asked, earning a whistle of approval from Emmett.

Rosalie apparently had other plans, though, because she said, "Alright, Emmett…time for you to go to bed."

He looked confused, protesting that he wanted to watch the movie, but she silenced him with a look and told him it was family time. He frowned at her, nearly fucking pouting, and she leaned over, whispering something in his ear. From the way his lips spread into a lecherous grin, I was damn sure I didn't want to know what she was saying, and it took everything I had not to punch the smirk off his face when he kissed her good night and stood up, walking down the hall without another word.

Both girls watched Emmett leave, and when we heard his door close, Rosalie hopped up and went straight to the entertainment center, opening the door on the bottom left. I groaned, staring up at the ceiling, and sure enough, I heard the familiar scratch of the needle on a record.

When I raised my head, Bella and Rose were already standing in the middle of the living room with the coffee table pushed to the side, and Bella tossed me a brush that bounced off my chest and landed on the couch cushion. I sighed, standing and picking up the brush as I went to take my place beside them.

The music started, and I had to laugh as I recognized the song. "The motherfucking Bee Gees? Really, Rose?"

"Shut up." She bumped her hip into mine, nearly knocking me over. "And get ready to sing, Mr. Gibb."

Bella was laughing so hard on the other side of Rose that she snorted, and that did it for me. The sound was infectious, and I was chuckling as I sang, "Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man…no time to talk."

Rose busted out her disco moves, and Bella collapsed on the ground, laughing so hard when my sister started doing the John Travolta point thing that she just couldn't take it anymore. Seeing her that way was what always made this worth it, and I hammed it up, too, strutting my way around the living room. When I got back to Bella, she'd calmed down a little, and I leaned down, offering her my hand. She took it and stood, dancing and shaking her shoulders as she sang along.

As the song was winding down, Rosalie was ready, putting on the next immediately. She jumped back in place, belting out, "At first, I was afraid; I was petrified…"

Midway through the song, just as Bella was doing a little impromptu dance during the instrumental section, Emmett's snicker broke through the music. We all froze at once, our heads whipping toward the hallway. He was leaning against the doorframe, a smile on his face and his arms crossed over his chest.

Rose was the first to move, throwing a couch pillow at his head. He ducked it, but the one from Bella hit him right in the face, and he laughed again, holding up his hands in submission. "I was just going to get a beer…" he said with a grin. He started to turn and then stopped, saying, "Oh, Rosie?"

She blushed, which was really goddamn weird to see, and skipped over to him. He whispered something to her, and she bit her bottom lip, leaning in closer to him. My eyes narrowed, especially when he said something else, and she threw back her head, laughing. He winked at her and left, heading toward the kitchen.

She giggled as she crossed the room again, changing out the records. When the music started, I tilted my head, confused as I didn't recognize it. "What is this?"

Rose snickered. "Emmett suggested our next song…he said it was perfect for you." I didn't like the way her eyes – exactly like mine – were twinkling.

I still didn't recognize it when someone started singing, "Body…wanna feel my body? Body…such a thrill my body."

I glanced at Bella, and she shrugged, a confused look on her face as well. Rosalie, however, was turning red, her shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter, and I caught why when the next verse started, "Every man wants to be a macho, macho man."

"Very funny," I chuckled, shaking my head as I walked over to the record player. "How about something we know, though?" I lifted the needle and pulled off the record, slipping it back into its sleeve. I pulled out another Village People album, playing "YMCA," and we sang and danced for a while longer before Rosalie mercifully closed the cabinet and started up Sin City on the DVD player.

Bella and I grabbed drinks for all of us – sweet tea, of course – and we all three sat on the couch. I sat in the middle, holding a new bowl of popcorn, while they were on either side, curled up with Afghans over their legs. I never did understand how they could be cold after singing and dancing that way – I was sweating – but whatever worked for them.

We talked throughout the movie, sometimes about what was on the screen, sometimes about random things in our lives. When Rosalie said she was really glad we still did these sleepovers, Bella agreed immediately and said Thanksgiving had always been her favorite holiday because of them. She mused aloud that she was happy that Emmett, Alice, and Edward – she blushed when she said his name – could be here this year.

"Emmett had to switch weekends at work," Rosalie said quietly, her eyes on the screen as she ate her popcorn, but I noticed the faint blush on her cheeks.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

I heard the rustle of paper tearing, and then Bella patted the back of my hand. I turned it over automatically, and she filled my palm with M&Ms as I kept my eyes on Rose's face. She didn't answer at first, just chewing steadily, but she finally said, "Usually he'd be at the Cullens' or in Tennessee with his family, but he was supposed to be on call this Thanksgiving. He switched."

She shrugged, but I saw the smile tugging at the corner of her lips when she continued, "He has to work something stupid like the next four weekends of the guy he traded with, but he said it was worth it."

I stared at her for a minute. "Aww, Rosie, that's so sweeeeet!" It was my most annoying voice, the one I'd developed to irritate her as a toddler and honed during our adolescent years.

She muttered under her breath and then hauled off and hit me across the face with a pillow just as I was popping the M&Ms in my mouth. Chocolate went flying everywhere, and I felt a sharp jab to my ribs as she punched me.

She was always too good at that misdirection shit.

Bella joined in on Rosalie's side, tickling my ribs while I kicked and tried to get away. Somehow, I ended up on my back with my wrists pinned over my head on the couch by Bella's knee. She was tickling me mercilessly, and Rose sat down on my legs, holding them in place. Rosalie was pummeling me with pillows, and it took way longer than it should to finally squirm away from them and stand up a couple of feet away, trying to smooth back my hair and regain some of my dignity.

"Do you wa-" Another pillow across the face interrupted me, accompanied by giggles from Rosalie and Bella. "Very funny." I tried – and failed – to keep the grin off my face. "Now if you're done torturing me, you guys want to make some Surprises?"

"Yes!" was Bella's immediate answer, which was just what I expected.

Rosalie, though, yawned and ran her fingers through her hair as she glanced at the grandfather clock. "I better get to bed, actually…"

When we both protested, she grinned wickedly and said, "Sorry, but I've got a date with Emmett tomorrow, and I need to leave him panting."

"Fucking hell, Rosalie," I muttered under my breath. There were some things I really didn't want to know about.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't be stupid, Jazz. I said I wanted to leave him panting…you don't have to be worried until I say I'm going to be panting with him."

She winked at me as she stood up, and it was all I could do not to gag. After hugging both of us, she headed down the hall, humming to herself.

When I glanced at Bella, she was smiling, but she had that little worried crease in the middle of her forehead. I repressed my sigh and put my arm around her shoulders, guiding her to the kitchen. She went to the cabinet near the stove and turned on the oven, pulling out a cookie sheet while I walked to the pantry and gathered the peanut butter, marshmallows, and vanilla wafers. We'd been making Surprises – our own special treat sort of like S'mores – since we were kids.

I hopped up on the counter as Bella began spreading peanut butter on the cookies, just making idle conversation while I wondered what was on her mind. We'd get to it, I was sure, but only once we were settled into the living room alone with our snack.

I teased her as she worked, just little comments to make her smile, and she rolled her eyes, smacking my arm while I pretended to flinch away. By the time she was pulling our snack out of the oven, she was humming under her breath.

She put all the cookies on one plate, and I poured two glasses of milk before leading the way back to the living room. We sat on the couch just like we always did at our place, with the plate between us so we could share. I picked up the first Surprise and took a bite, sucking in air and mumbling, "S'hot," when the melted marshmallow burned the roof of my mouth.

Fucking smooth, Hale.

Bella snorted and then giggled as I made a mess trying to put down the rest of the cookie without burning myself more. I ended up with melted marshmallow all over my chin and wrapped around my hand. She rolled her eyes and gave a quiet laugh as she pulled out a napkin from somewhere and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I muttered, rubbing at the sticky mess. I wiped my chin with the back of my hand and finally managed to get myself mostly cleaned up. When I looked at Bella again, she was staring at the untouched cookie she was holding.

I sighed. "Alright, Bells…out with it."

She grimaced and wrinkled her nose, stuffing the vanilla wafer in her mouth instead of answering.

"Mature." When she gave me a withering look as she chewed and swallowed, I arched an eyebrow pointedly.

Her lips twitched as she looked at me.

And then she burst out laughing.

"What?" I frowned at her.

"You look real damn tough with marshmallow on your nose." Her eyes were dancing when she leaned over and rubbed my nose. She grumbled and took the napkin from me to clean the rest of it off.

We were both chuckling quietly when she finished, and this time she was the one to sigh as she turned so she could face me. She leaned back against the arm of the couch, cradling her glass of milk and sipping it from time to time. I mimicked her position, taking another cookie as I asked her what was wrong.

She shrugged, and I bit my tongue, giving her the time she needed. "I-I'm…" she trailed off, biting her bottom lip before she exhaled a sigh. "I'm fine," she finished lamely.

"Isabella Marie Swan." My tone immediately told her I was serious. "You think I'm going to buy that line of horse shit?"

She curled her lip and gave me an exasperated look, and then her cheeks turned pink. I began to wonder if I actually wanted to know after all. She cleared her throat and looked down at her hands in her lap.

What the hell is this shit?

"Bella, sweetheart…talk to me. What's going on, silly girl?"

"It's…" She ran her fingers through her hair and then played with the ends nervously. "It's embarrassing."

She spoke so quietly I could barely hear the last word, and I felt a strange tightness in my chest as I wondered what the hell could be embarrassing for her. I reached out, picking up another of our cookies as I gave her time to collect her thoughts. She looked like she needed a chance to think of how to phrase something, rather than like she wasn't going to answer, so I bided my time.

Almost patiently, even.

Just when I was about to prod again, she whispered, "I'm…frustrated…"

I felt the wry smile on my lips. "Yeah, I can sort of tell." Her head snapped up, her brown eyes wide as she looked at me with shock. My smile faded as I said, "Bells? What's wrong?"

She relaxed minutely, her shoulder slumping. She glanced away, keeping her eyes far from mine as she said, "No, I mean…I'm frustrated…"

It took me a moment to figure out what the special emphasis meant. I didn't really get it until she whispered, "And so's Edward."

I quite literally wanted to bang my head on the fucking coffee table.

This isn't happening.

I took a deep breath, my cheeks puffing out as I exhaled.

You just had to know…

I took a sip of my milk and absentmindedly licked my lips as I put the glass back on the table. Bella reached over and picked it up, moving it to my coaster. Settling back into the corner of the couch, I left the rest of our snack untouched on the plate, suddenly not hungry at all.

What the hell do I say to that?

Yeah, I had nothing. No idea how to begin or what to say…so I took another breath and ran my fingers through my hair and just started with the first thing that came to mind. "Okay…so you're…frustrated." She nodded. "That's…that's good, Bells."

She glanced over at me, and her cocked eyebrow told me she thought I was crazy.

"Well, not good. That's not what I meant. But it's…normal…to feel that way." I saw her slight flinch at the word normal, but there was no way to take it back – and I wasn't sure I would, anyway. As hard as all of this was – for both of us – it was time we began to acknowledge the things in her life that weren't quite right.

When she shifted back into her corner and pulled her thighs to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs as she rested her chin on her knees, I resisted the urge to pull her hands away. I hated the way she closed in on herself because so many times, it meant she was closing me out. But I kept my hands to myself and waited, wondering what she would say, how she would take this.

"I…I know," she said in a small voice, her eyes focused on the floral pattern of the cushion between us. Silence hung heavy in the room for a moment, and then she lifted her face and gave me a small grin, her cheeks flaming red. "But I hate it. Why does it have to be so…so…frustrating?"

I couldn't help it; I chuckled. "That's just the way it goes, silly girl. But there are…ahh…ways to help?"

I shut off the protective part of my brain that wanted to growl at the image of Bella with Edward and tried to concentrate on what she needed. Still, I wasn't about to give her anatomy lessons if I could help it.

Whatever. You know you fucking would.

I sighed, groaning as I realized that annoying little voice was right.

"I know that, Jasper." As she huffed and brushed her hair out of her face in exasperation, I was reminded of the way she'd always been as a little girl, so sure, so superior, and I grinned. Her eyes narrowed dangerously, making me try to school my expression, but then her shoulders slumped as she exhaled, and she really did look like a little girl, lost and alone. "I mean…" She bit her bottom lip. "I'm not stupid. I-I remember…" She broke off, closing her eyes and swallowing before she forced herself to continue, "I remember what it's like. But it's been a really long time now, and I didn't exactly have a lot to go on, you know? So I…"

This time, she trailed off and didn't say anything else. I nodded slowly, watching my fingers as they picked at a worn spot in my pajama pants. "You don't know what to do?"

"Yeah."

The hush in the house seemed oppressive as we sat there, neither of us saying a word until we both cleared our throats at the same time. My chuckle matched her giggle, and when our eyes met, she smiled at me.

"Well, umm…" I began in a quiet voice. "You remember when…ahh…when we…?"

I really didn't want to finish my sentence, and I knew I wouldn't have to. She nodded immediately, her neck flushing with her embarrassment.

"That's a good place to start." She tilted her head, looking at me questioningly, and I sighed, shaking my head. Fucking Bella. "Your hand. Remember?"

"Oh." She blushed again, nodding as she gave a small giggle.

I didn't even want to know what she was thinking. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again, her eyes widening as she glanced away. "So umm…"

"So…yeah…when he comes back, that's a…good…place to start. I mean, if you've been ahh…well…you know…"

She nodded, not meeting my eye as she gazed across the room. I found myself suddenly curious – and worried. Not worried because of what they had or hadn't done…worried because I had no clue what they'd done, and I didn't like the distance between us that not knowing indicated.

Just as I was about to suck it up and ask her, I saw her spine stiffen, and she straightened. She lifted her chin the way she always did when she was trying to be brave and said, "We…have…" Her voice deflated near the end, softening to barely a whisper, but she kept going. "Nothing…major…but…god, Jazz…" She sighed, flopping against the couch with her head on the back and a dreamy look on her face. "He's amazing."

I couldn't help my amused smile – it was either that or give into the urge to protect and defend that I always felt with her. It was definitely strange to listen to Bella talk this way, but I also felt a foreign hope rising in my chest, a hope that she might have the same kind of future, the same kind of love, that I had with Alice.

"He's been so patient…like, ridiculously patient. Sometimes I want to scream that I'm not that patient, but it's almost like he knows what I need better than I do. He's kind of like you that way, actually." She kicked out, nudging my foot with hers, and I caught her toes and tickled her. She squirmed and giggled, yanking her foot away.

"That's really good to hear, Bells. Are you…okay…with everything so far?"

She wrinkled her nose in thought and then nodded. "I have my…moments…you know? But it's alright. I'm okay." She sighed. "I worry sometimes that he's going to give up…because it doesn't always work for me. It's like we're in…I don't know…seventh grade or something. Every little thing is a victory, you know?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded, letting her get it all out now that she was talking. She went on for a few minutes more, skirting around what, exactly, they'd done, though I got a pretty complete picture when I filled in the blanks.

And I had to admit…if what she was telling me was true, Edward really did have the patience of a saint. My grudging respect for him was growing and becoming not quite so grudging anymore.

Thankfully, the discussion about Bella's sex life eventually turned to other things, and we both stretched out again, growing more comfortable. I propped my feet on the coffee table as we polished off the last of our Surprises, and Bella cleaned up our mess and took our empty dishes into the kitchen. I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and knew it wouldn't be too much longer before I'd be heading to bed – I prayed that Bella didn't really intend for us to sleep on the floor like we had so often when we were kids. It was all well and good when there was the lure of staying up late, but now that we were older, my warm, comfy bed was much more appealing.

When she came back in the room, she handed me a bottle of water and plopped down right beside me on the couch, resting her head on my shoulder. She curled up with her feet beside her, and I knew it wouldn't be long for her either.

There was still something I wanted to ask her, though – something I'd been curious about for days but hadn't had the chance to bring it up. "Hey…" I brushed her hair away from her forehead, where it was tickling my cheek. She made a noncommittal hum, and I smiled as I felt her relaxing. "What did Jane say to Alice that pissed her off so bad?"

Bella sat up immediately, her eyes wide. "That…bitch!" She began muttering under her breath as she turned to face me. "Okay, so…you guys were playing basketball, and Jane was being Jane." She rolled her eyes and her nostrils flared. "And she acted like she was all innocent or whatever, and then she asked Alice if…" Her voice faded away suddenly, and I didn't understand the faint flush on her cheeks. When I raised a questioning eyebrow, she swallowed and finally finished, "She asked Alice if you still liked it when…when she licked your scar all the way down."

"Oh." I had nothing else, only one lame syllable as my own cheeks heated. Goddamn Jane. I was never going to live down the few times I'd fooled around with her – never. And it had to be even more hurtful to Alice because I did like it when she did that…but it wasn't the same as the slutty shit Jane had done. I liked it with Alice because she paid special attention to me, making my flaws into things she loved. How the hell could I explain that?

"I guess you do then." Bella's voice was half-embarrassed, half-amused, and when I glanced at her, she wouldn't meet my eye.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. "I can't believe she said that shit in front of you and Rosalie, too." Saying it in front of Alice, I could – unfortunately – believe. Jane had always had a vindictive streak.

"Yeah, well, umm…" Bella shifted uncomfortably. "Anytime I see your scar, all I can think about is the way you nearly gutted yourself on that dock." I knew she was changing the subject on purpose, and I was grateful, so I just went with it.

"Hey, now! That wasn't my fault!"

"Oh hell, yes, it was!" She turned to face me, her knee pressing against my thigh as she scooted back just a little so she could see me. "You were the one chasing me!"

"Yeah, because you called me a turd-face and said I liked Leah!"

She looked at me indignantly for a moment before her shoulders shook once, and then she dissolved into giggles. It was an argument we'd had so many times over the years that I wondered sometimes if I even really remembered what happened clearly. All I knew was that one minute, I was chasing Bella along the old wooden pier, and the next, my feet slid out from under me, and I fell over the side. A broken piece of wood caught me as I was falling, ripping my skin from my pelvic bone up to my belly button, and I was sure I was dying when I hit the water and saw the cloud of blood bloom in front of my face.

Instead, I just passed out. I found out later that Charlie pulled me from the water, and I came to in the emergency room. When I glanced at Charlie, he was soaked from head to toe, police jacket included - it was the first time I'd ever seen him shaken like that. He was deathly pale and his hands were shaking, and as soon as I opened my eyes and stupidly muttered, "Mom?" he said, "Oh, thank God…" and sat down hard on a plastic chair.

I was brought out of my musing when Bella's fingers tangled with mine, and she squeezed my hand. "You don't know how thankful I've always been that Charlie was there…" Her eyes were focused on the patterns the fingers of her other hand were tracing on the back of mine. "I can't…if he hadn't…" She gave her little grunt of frustration and turned to look at me then. "I love you, Jazz. Thank you for…everything."

I felt the force of her words deep in my chest, and the enormity of everything we'd been through hit me hard. I didn't want to turn what was supposed to be a fun sleepover into something deep and probably wholly depressing, so I just pulled my hand from hers and slipped my arm around her shoulder as I squeezed her to my side. I kissed the top of her head and murmured, "I love you, too, Bella…and you're always welcome. Thank you for being you."

She gave a small snort and shook her head, but I just tickled her to lighten the mood. She squirmed away and punched my ribs – lightly, thankfully…she wasn't as vicious as Rose. I smiled and hugged her once more before yawning and patting her arm. "Come on, silly girl. I think it's bedtime."

I stood up and reached down to grab her hand, pulling her to her feet as well. Her eyes looked darker, haunted, and I wondered how much sleep she was getting with Edward gone. I was so tempted to just tell her to stay in my room or that we could sleep in the living room after all, but she'd been trying so hard. I didn't want to sabotage her, especially if she was feeling weak, so I led her to our rooms and left the decision to her. I saw the way she squared her shoulders, lifting her chin just a little, and I couldn't help but smile.

That's my brave girl.

"G'night, Bells." I hugged her, and she squeezed me tightly, kissing my cheek before she pulled away.

"Night, Jazz." With a small smile for me, she turned and walked into her room, and I waited until I heard the click of her bathroom light before I went into my own bedroom to crawl into bed and call Alice.

JOotG Chapter 27 - The Long and Winding Road

2010-04-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

BPOV

The fragrance of coffee filtered through my dreams, and I rolled over in bed, stretching out on my stomach and wrapping my arms around my pillow. A lazy smile played on my lips as I inhaled deeply, images from the night before drifting back to me. I remembered cuddling with Edward on the loveseat, sipping hot chocolate as we talked to everyone. I knew I would never be able to explain to him how much it meant to me to have him here – to not be alone.

Finally.

And it wasn't just not being alone. It was being here with Edward.

Edward… I smiled again, my eyes still closed. Darkness pressed against my eyelids, so I knew it was early. I needed to get up soon and help Mama Hale, but I decided to spend a few minutes just relaxing and enjoying the…bliss that had become my life. I was utterly comfortable, my bed warm and inviting, and I gave a soft sigh as I shifted my legs.

Shit!

I bolted upright in bed as I realized suddenly that I was too comfortable. My jeans were gone, replaced by my plaid flannel pants, and my cheeks heated as fuzzy memories began to resurface. Edward's voice talking quietly, asking if I wanted to change. My frustration at having to move. My fingers ripping open the button of my jeans.

Edward's hands helping pull my jeans off my legs.

I heard my own gasp of shock as I realized, at last, what had happened. Edward helped me get ready for bed. I'd known on some level that he was there, but my mind hadn't made the connection that he was the one undressing me.

Or had it?

I thought back, trying to remember, but everything was such a blur of exhaustion and annoyance and…happiness. I bit my bottom lip, a smile slowly spreading on my face as my wide eyes stared blindly into the darkness. Maybe I had consciously known and maybe I hadn't…but the fact remained that a man – Edward – had undressed me while I was half-asleep, and I hadn't panicked. I'd trusted him. I'd helped him and fallen right back asleep.

My hand rose, my fingers lightly touching my lips as I realized, too, that Edward had earned that trust. He hadn't tried to take advantage of the situation. He'd barely kissed me, simply tucking me under the covers and brushing my hair back tenderly. He deserved every ounce of trust I gave him.

I held that thought to me for a moment, letting the contentment I felt settle into my skin before I pushed back the covers and stood. I wandered into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day. I pulled my hair into a messy bun at the base of my neck, yawning despite the wide, bright eyes that stared at me from the mirror.

Finishing up, I washed my hands, turned the light off, and then made my way across the darkened room to the hallway. Early morning at the Hale house had always been one of my favorite times. There was a feeling of something special, some secret that was shared just between Mama Hale and me.

The entire house was silent, a heavy hush in the air that was broken only by the signs of life from the kitchen – the light spilling into the hallway, providing the only illumination; the sound of metal pinging against metal as a pan was put in the sink; the fragrance of bacon and eggs and biscuits baking in the oven.

My footsteps were slow, a small smile on my face as I remembered early Saturday mornings when I'd spent the night as a little girl. My weekends were supposed to be spent with Charlie after my parents got divorced, but most Saturday mornings, he'd go fishing. A lot of times, Jasper and I would go with him, waking up well before the sun was up to the sound of the police cruiser's tires crunching the gravel driveway before I'd hear the heavy thud of Charlie's boots on the wooden steps and the creak of the screen door. Invariably, Jasper and I had stayed up too late, and there was a mad dash as we rushed around to get ready before my dad left us as he always threatened to do.

He never had, and I knew – deep down – that he never would.

But just as many mornings, we'd stayed with Mama Hale instead. In the beginning, my mom had thought it wasn't right – that if I wasn't with Charlie, I should be at home with her, but each weekend, I'd beg, and she'd finally relent until, eventually, it was just understood. My weekends meant that I would be away from home, and it no longer mattered if I was with my dad or with the Hales.

When I walked into the kitchen, I found Mama Hale sitting at the island, sipping her coffee with a plate of eggs, grits, and toast in front of her. My own plate was already fixed – scrambled eggs with cheese, grits, bacon, and a biscuit – and waiting for me across from her. Steam was still rising from the eggs, some of the cheese still melting. It had always seemed like a kind of magic to me – the way she just knew when I would be joining her.

Of course, as I got older, I realized that with the silence in the house, she could hear me getting up and using the restroom and that sort of thing, but it still filled me with that sense of wonder. I grinned – both at myself and at her – as I took my seat on the stool across from her. "Morning, Mama Hale."

"Good morning, dear. Did you sleep well?" She gave me a kind smile as she stood, picking up the empty glass waiting beside my plate. "Milk or orange juice?"

"Orange juice, please. And I slept very well last night."

She went to the refrigerator and poured my juice as I spoke. When she returned, she walked around to my side of the island and hugged me, holding me close as I leaned against her. I felt like a little girl, sitting there with my feet not reaching the floor from my seat on the high stool while that homey scent of Mama Hale – cinnamon and vanilla and lemon Pledge – surrounded me. "We're so glad to have you home."

It was a simple statement, but it had me smiling broadly as warmth spread in my chest. She kissed the top of my head and walked back around, taking a seat on her stool. We chatted comfortably as we ate, just making small talk about school at first. Eventually, she asked about Renee, as she always did, and I shifted, pulling at the sleeves of my long-sleeved t-shirt.

"She's fine," I said, biting my bottom lip. "They're still living in Jacksonville, and she loves teaching kindergarten again."

I felt constriction in my chest once again – a pang of…regret? Something close to it, at least, as I thought about what would've happened if Phil had signed with Jacksonville just ten months earlier.

Less than a year…

I sighed, my eyes tightening as I tried to cover my reaction by taking a bite of my biscuit. It felt thick in my mouth, tasteless even though I knew it was delicious, and I took a long drink of orange juice to try to wash it down.

If Phil had signed with Jacksonville instead of Phoenix, I would have never met James. If he'd signed ten short months earlier than he did, I would have never been as involved with him as I had been.

It wouldn't have happened.

I didn't blame my mom or my stepdad. In a lot of ways, though, they did. They both walked on eggshells around me, and Renee had this infuriating need to apologize. It popped up at odd times – while I was in the middle of opening a Christmas present or while we were just laughing and eating ice cream. It was like walking through a mine field being with her, never knowing when the memory of James was going to ambush me.

She'd tried to stop – I knew she truly had – but she just had all these feelings that bubbled to the surface and little-to-no impulse control. As a result, we didn't talk a lot anymore, and I always felt vaguely uneasy talking to or about her. It was just too close to the whole situation.

To take my mind off of it, I babbled. "You know Phil's still coaching down there. He's not with the Suns anymore, but he's working with kids now, and he really loves it." I kept going, telling her how he was thinking of going to college to get his teaching degree as well. Mama Hale nodded, asking me questions, and before I knew it, she'd steered the conversation out of the dangerous waters and back to school.

She took a small bite of her eggs, sipped her coffee, and said, "So…what do you think of Alice and Emmett?"

A broad smile was on my face before she even finished. "They're great. I'm still getting to know Emmett, but he's really cool, and I love Alice."

I told her more about the two of them, about how funny Emmett was and how Alice always seemed to know what to say. She asked how we all met, so I explained that Jasper and Alice met in the library and that Emmett was Edward's best friend. It would've been natural for the conversation to turn to Edward then, so I squirmed uncomfortably when it didn't.

If we weren't talking about it now, that meant Mama Hale was saving it for when we were cooking – when all the important conversations took place. It was somehow easier to say difficult things when our hands were occupied and our eyes were turned away. It had been over countless pies and batches of cookies that I had eventually told her what happened with James. Other than Jasper – and now Edward – she was the only one I had ever voluntarily talked to about it.

The silence that descended in the kitchen was comfortable, and we finished our breakfast in peace. As soon as I put down my fork, Mama Hale picked up our plates and took them to the sink. Faster than I would've thought possible, they were washed, dried, and put away. She handed me an apron, which I slipped over my head while she was tying her own.

We settled into a comfortable rhythm as I performed the more menial tasks – chopping, stirring, and measuring – while she oversaw everything. We baked muffins and made a breakfast casserole with sliced mushrooms, sausage, eggs, cheese, and the like, all thickened with flour, and I could feel the light sheen of sweat beginning to collect around my collar. It was as I was straightening up from putting the casserole in the oven that I heard her clear her throat.

My face was still flushed from the heat of the oven when I turned to hear her say, "So dear…tell me about Edward. I know he's Alice's brother, but how did you meet him exactly?"

A lock of hair had fallen over my face, and I brushed it away with the back of my hand. "Oh." I bit my bottom lip, making my way over to the cutting board, where I poured some pecans and began chopping them for the pecan pie. "Well, after I met Alice, we decided to go to the movies together – you know, the three of us - and then she invited her brother."

My hands stilled as my brow furrowed, and there was a smile on my face when I started chopping again. "We just got along really well. He's so easy to talk to, and he ended up coming over for a while, and…" I shrugged, feeling my cheeks heat. I'd started to tell her how unbelievably attracted to him I was, but I just…couldn't. "He's really funny, too."

The words sounded lame to my ears, even though they were true. Somehow, I'd reduced the most incredible man I'd ever met to a handful of trite statements that could be applied to any number of people – including all of my guy friends.

"Well, he certainly is a good-looking young man."

I glanced over to find Mama Hale smiling at me knowingly. I laughed softly and nodded. "Umm…yeah."

She paused as she passed by me on her way to the refrigerator. She hugged me close, though I was turned partially away from her, and her voice was soft as she whispered, "I'm so happy for you, Bella. It's time."

It's time.

I felt a lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow as I absorbed those two simple words. For so long now, my past had affected everyone around me – not only in the way they behaved toward me, but even in their own lives. James was a fucking infection that had spread to everyone I loved. He was the reason Jasper had doubted himself so much that he ended up in therapy as well. He was why I could no longer have a normal relationship with my mother. He was the reason for that haunting empty look in Charlie's eyes sometimes.

It was time I let all that shit go.

But how?

It seemed like it should be so easy – just letting something go – but I felt lost in the face of such an enormous task. That familiar melancholy feeling seeped into me, burning through my veins like a poison.

I stood frozen, the knife poised in my hands, and I forced myself back into motion, trying not to let on that anything was wrong as doubts about myself churned in my mind. At the forefront were the newest and most pressing – all of those questions about whether or not I would ever be able to have a normal physical relationship with Edward.

Mama Hale's hands covered mine gently, making me realize that I'd been chopping the same pecans until they were nearly dust. My eyes were wide when I looked at her, and she smiled at me softly, taking the knife from me and putting it to the side. She took my hand in hers and reached up, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear in a gesture that was so reminiscent of Jasper. "Bella, baby, there's no reason to be afraid. Edward is a good man."

Her words were incomprehensible at first, so far removed were they from where my thoughts had been. It took me a moment to realize she thought I was worried about Edward – about whether or not I could trust him. That wasn't my fear at all, but her words brought me up short, making my brow furrow. "How do you know?"

"I can just tell, dear. It's in the eyes and the way he looks at you…" Her smile prompted my own as she patted my hand. "Besides, Jasper and those other boys haven't torn him limb-from-limb yet."

I laughed softly, nodding despite the brief flare of anger and disappointment I felt toward Jake at the mention of the guys. Like so many times before, she was able to lift me out of the dark moods that threatened me, letting me bask in the warmth that all the Hales seemed to radiate. "Thanks, Mama Hale," I murmured quietly.

She pretended not to hear, though I saw the soft smile on her face as she pulled a mixing bowl from the cupboard. She handed it to me, and I set about mixing batter for the blueberry muffins as she pursed her lips, putting her hands on her hips. "Now be honest. Is Jasper behaving himself?"

I laughed as I poured blueberries into the batter and folded them in carefully. "He is, Mama Hale…promise."

She looked unconvinced, her eyes narrowing as I told her about the way Jasper treated Alice. Eventually, she smiled, but then it started all over again as I had to reassure her that Rosalie was acting like a lady. That one seemed a lost cause, and I was still talking when Mama Hale walked over to the coffee pot and poured a fresh mug. She took it to the island and began adding cream and sugar, making me smile when I realized she was making it for Papa Hale.

I hadn't noticed how late it had gotten, but the microwave said it was after 7:30 when he walked into the kitchen, freshly showered and dressed in an orange henley over his jeans. He hugged me, kissing my head as he said, "Morning, Bella-boo," and I grinned at the silly nickname.

He sat at the island, sipping his coffee as we all chatted about nothing in particular. Just like always, time seemed to speed up when other people began waking and wandering around the Hale house. Moments after Papa Hale refilled his cup and kissed his wife before disappearing through the back door, Jasper wandered into the kitchen with a lazy smile.

He was dressed in his favorite pajama pants – green plaid that were ragged at the cuffs and becoming dangerously thin – and the Rage Against the Machine t-shirt that matched mine. His hair was a fucking wreck, standing up in every direction, and he just made it worse when he yawned and ran his fingers through it.

There was a fond smile on my face when I went to fix his coffee, and when I brought it to him, he tickled me and then slipped an arm around my waist, hugging me before he left me go. He sipped his coffee, winking at me. "So…were you comfortable enough last night, Bells?"

The knowing smirk on his face made my eyes narrow, and I mouthed, "Shut. Up." He snickered, taking another drink from his mug as I hit his arm. Aloud, I said, "Yeah, I slept really well," and shot him a look when he opened his mouth.

He chuckled, and I turned around, going to take the muffins from the oven. I put them on the cooling racks beside the breakfast casserole and caught Mama Hale looking at Jasper's pajamas. Her lips pressed into a thin line, but she didn't say anything. After he'd taken a few more sips of his coffee, she said, "Jasper, dear, would you mind setting the table?"

He slipped off his bar stool, abandoning his coffee as he walked to the cabinet and pulled down plates. The silverware clattered on the plates as he piled it on top, and I winced at the noise.

"Jasper!" Mama Hale admonished quietly. "People are sleeping!"

"Sorry, Mama…" He picked up the dishes and headed through the archway into the dining room, where I heard him set them down before the rasping sound of the sideboard drawer opening reached my ears.

He had just finished up and walked back into the kitchen when I heard footsteps in the hallway. I glanced over my shoulder in time to see Emmett's massive form filling the doorway. I blushed a bit when I saw him in basketball shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt – apparently his pajamas. It wasn't so much the clothes, but the way his curly dark hair was all ruffled made me very aware that he had just woken up.

He swooped into the kitchen, wrapping up Mama Hale in a bearhug as he lifted her from the ground, squeezing her with a grunt. He set her down and grabbed a piece of bacon from the platter by the stove, popping it in his mouth. Picking up the platter, he nodded toward the dining room, saying, "This need to go?"

Mama Hale laughed softly, smoothing her hair back into her bun as she nodded. "Yes, please."

She watched him walk through the archway with a fond smile, and I heard a low chuckle from the hallway. I looked over and saw Edward wandering in. He was still in his pajamas like the other guys, his hair as messy as ever, but the best sight I'd ever seen was the way his eyes just lit up when he saw me. I didn't even realize I was moving before I was wrapped in his arms in the doorway to the kitchen. I hugged him tightly, burying my face in his neck, and I heard him say, "Good morning, Caroline," over my head. His voice was husky and soft, still thick with sleep, and I felt a sense of longing as I tried to memorize the sound of it.

I snuggled close to him and kissed his neck once before letting him go. He kissed my forehead with a smile and then walked to Mama Hale, who wrapped him in a tight hug and kissed him on the cheek. She said, "Good morning, dear…I hope you slept well."

They spoke briefly, and I really appreciated the fond smile she gave my Edward as well. He was completely different from Emmett in some ways, but she seemed to approve. Finally, she handed him two pot holders and asked if he'd take the breakfast casserole into the dining room. He glanced over, winking at me as he picked it up and started through the archway.

I was watching him go when a basket of biscuits appeared in my hands. I looked at Mama Hale to find her smiling quietly at me. "Take that with you, please."

A quick look around the kitchen told me there was far more work to be done, but she clucked her tongue and shooed me away, telling me to come back when I was ready. I smiled my thanks and kissed her cheek before I practically skipped into the dining room.

Lively conversation had already sprung up among the guys, and Emmett was sputtering while Edward's head was thrown back as he laughed. Jasper's fist was in front of his mouth, and he was turning red from suppressed laughter. I grinned as I dropped the basket in the middle of the table and slipped into the seat between Jasper and Edward. I sighed contentedly when Edward's hand was immediately on my knee, though he continued to talk to the other guys. It just felt so…normal. So right.

Before long, Alice and Rosalie appeared, and Emmett began dishing up huge servings of casserole for everyone. When he handed Alice her plate, her eyes widened as she said, "Good lord, Emmett! How much do you think I eat? I'm not…you!"

After a brief argument, he finally scraped half of it onto a plate and handed it to me. He refused to listen when I said I'd eaten, though, so I ended up with a full plate in front of me while we all talked and laughed together. I picked at my food as I joined in the conversation, which quickly turned to the Seattle game.

Edward said, "No way the Seahawks can win today," and Emmett was already shaking his head as I nodded.

"If they can protect Hasselbeck-" Emmett began, but I cut him off, laughing.

"That's a damn big 'if', Em…there's no way they'll be able to keep the Dallas D away."

Edward squeezed my knee, and I saw him grinning out of the corner of my eye as he backed me up. Rosalie joined in, talking about how Dallas had been stuck in a rut before their last couple of victories, so she gave even money on either team winning.

"Yeah, it may be true that they've been struggling a little, but Tony Romo has been looking great…" Edward said.

"What about his broken pinkie?" Jasper challenged.

I reminded Jazz of Jason Witten, and he paused, pursing his lips as he thought. Our argument continued, growing more heated until Edward said, "I guarantee you Dallas wins today."

Emmett turned to him. "You want to make a bet?"

Edward smirked. "It's your ass." He shrugged, lifting his hands palm up. I tried my best not to laugh at the suddenly shrewd expression Emmett wore, but I failed miserably.

Realization dawned on his face, and he looked at Edward, saying, "You little shit! I didn't think you had it in you!"

Edward shrugged again, looking vaguely uncomfortable, but Emmett didn't seem to notice. He turned to me suddenly, his face brightening as he said, "Hey, wanna see?" He stood up, spinning around as he hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his shorts.

"No!" Several of our voices cried out at once. Jasper looked horrorstruck, while Edward snickered. Alice and I were shaking our heads, and when Emmett started to pull them down anyway, Alice yelled out, "Smurf! Smurf, damn it!"

I glanced over at Rosalie, and we stared at each other with wide eyes before we dissolved into giggles. Emmett turned around, his eyebrows raised in confusion as his hands, thankfully, fell to his sides. I leaned over, resting my head against Edward's arm as I tried to control myself. He and Jasper just looked amused, and the sight of Jazz putting his arm around Alice and kissing her forehead helped me calm as I smiled at them.

Rose put her hand on Emmett's forearm and leaned closer to him, whispering to him just loud enough for us to hear. "I wouldn't mind seeing it, but let's do that in private, hmm?"

Emmett's eyes lit up as he sat back in his chair and pulled Rosalie into his lap, making her squeal as he whispered something in her ear. He wrapped his arms around her and nibbled at her ear, and I glanced quickly away. My eyes met Jasper's, and he made a face at me as he tossed his napkin onto his plate.

I giggled. It took a hell of a lot to make Jasper lose his appetite.

Breakfast was pretty much over then, and as people began to stand, Edward leaned over, kissing me softly. Just as my eyes fluttered closed, he pulled away, taking my plate and standing. He said, "We've got this – why don't you ladies go do…whatever you need to do?"

I saw his grin when he glanced at Jasper, and I found my best friend grimacing as he watched something. I followed his gaze and found Rosalie still sitting in Emmett's lap as they kissed passionately. When I glanced up at Edward, he shrugged and muttered, "Nothing new…" before he picked a small piece of biscuit from my plate and threw it, hitting Emmett on the head.

Emmett's head snapped around. "Hey! Stop that!" The second piece hit him on the forehead, and Rosalie squealed when he nearly dumped her in the floor as he leaned over to pick it up. His arm was wrapped firmly around her waist, though, and he held her tight as he tossed it back at Edward, who swatted it away. Rose smiled at Emmett and stood, patting him on the cheek as she mouthed, "Later."

I caught sight of Jasper kissing Alice softly before he whispered something that made her smile. I bit my bottom lip as I watched them, thinking about how they just…worked. They were quiet and calm – the complete opposite of boisterous Emmett and Rosalie.

I wondered where Edward and I fit into that spectrum.

My musing was cut short as the guys gathered the dishes and disappeared into the kitchen. Alice, Rosalie, and I made our way down the hall, giggling a little. Alice had shared Rosalie's room last night, so they stopped off at the first door on the right while I continued to the end of the hall.

My room was just across from Jasper's, as it had been since we were eleven, and once I made it inside, I pulled a black long-sleeved Under Armour shirt and my Seattle jersey from my suitcase. Just because I was sure they were going to lose didn't mean I wasn't going to support my team. Grabbing a fresh pair of underwear and my jeans, I went into the bathroom and dropped my clothes on the counter as I turned on the water.

Soon, I had stripped and was standing beneath the warm spray. I was hurrying, washing quickly in my haste to get back to Mama Hale, but my mind kept drifting away. Images of Edward had me biting my bottom lip as I realized I was trying to figure out how to get him alone, even for just a few moments. I had to admit that I was…jealous…of the way Rosalie and Emmett could be so open. I don't know what held me back, exactly – whether it was just that our relationship was so new or if I was…

I sighed.

I was uncomfortable. There was no reason to deny it. In the back of my mind, I wondered each time I touched Edward if that time would be the one that made me break down.

And I didn't want to do that in front of my friends. It would be bad enough when Edward saw it. I clenched my jaw, refusing to give into the melancholy that seemed to follow me sometimes. Instead, I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply as I thought about the good parts of touching Edward.

And oh…what good parts they were. A soft smile played on my lips as I washed my hair, imagining it was Edward's fingers running through my hair. His hands were always gentle, but his touch excited me in ways I could barely remember feeling. I wanted his hands on me.

If I were being honest, I wanted them all over me. I was just…scared as fuck to try it. My teeth worried my lower lip as I rinsed my hair, thinking back to the conversation I'd had with Edward the other night – the one where he'd asked if I'd ever helped myself. I wondered if maybe he was on to something – if maybe I needed to touch myself before I tried it with him.

This was completely uncharted territory for me. I had no idea what would set me off in any situation like that because, in truth, any physical contact had the potential to, and the more nervous I was, the more likely it was.

So didn't it stand to reason that at least knowing what to expect, physically, would help me relax some?

But…embarrassing as it was…I had no clue how to go about it. What the hell was I supposed to do?

And wouldn't it be more meaningful if it was Edward who helped me?

The questions were still skirting the edge of my mind, chasing each other and getting nowhere like the goddamn Caucus-race in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland as I shut off the water. I reached back, pulling my hair over my shoulder as I squeezed the excess water from it before I stepped out of the shower. I dried and dressed quickly, shoving away all the questions in my hurry to get back to the kitchen.

I closed my door a little harder than I intended, jumping at the sound before I started down the hallway. When I passed the room Edward and Emmett had shared, I glanced through the open doorway, stopping when I saw him reclining on the bed. He was lying on his back, his hands behind his head as he looked up at the ceiling.

At the sound of my footsteps, he glanced over, smiling at me as I walked in and stretched out beside him. I rested my head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest, as I gave a contented sigh and relished the way I just…fit. He kissed my forehead, and I closed my eyes, my fingertips lightly stroking his chest as I soaked up the heat from his body against mine. I felt like a cat stretching out for a nap in the beam of sunshine through a closed window, purring in contentment.

After a long, silent moment, I lifted my head, a lazy smile on my lips as I said, "What are you doing? Sleepy again?"

He rolled his eyes with a grin. "Emmett beat me to the bathroom." My reply died before it was fully formed as he pulled me closer and kissed me deeply. Our lips parted as our tongues brushed, and my fingers tightened on the fabric of his shirt. I gave a quiet moan, my thigh slipping over his as my calf settled between his legs. Before I could begin to crawl on top of him – which was absolutely where I was going – he pulled away and said softly, "Somehow I don't mind so much now…"

He gave me his crooked grin, and I blushed as I realized the door was open – and Emmett was in the attached bathroom, likely to come out at any moment. I grinned sheepishly and placed a quick kiss on his lips before I shifted my leg away, clearing my throat.

"I need to go help Mama Hale…" I gave a small sigh, pouting a bit, which made him smile before he kissed my pout away. "But if you want, you can use my bathroom."

That crooked grin was still on his face as he kissed me chastely, thanking me. With a final sigh, I rolled off the bed, pulling on the sleeve of my jersey to straighten it while I walked out of the room. When I reached the door, I couldn't help glancing at him just one more time, and I blushed lightly when I found him watching me. He was on his side, propped on his elbow, and his eyes seemed to be drinking me in, the emerald a shade darker. I wondered if he might be trying to memorize me the way I kept trying to etch him in my mind.

"I love you." The words spilled from my lips without my ever intending to say them, but it just seemed fitting and right that he should know without a doubt how I felt before he went home to Chicago.

His smile was tender when he whispered his own love in response, and I waved at him, lingering for a moment before I set off down the hallway with a silly little adolescent spring in my step. As soon as I walked into the kitchen, I checked the turkey in the separate oven and then glanced over at Mama Hale for my next instructions. She smiled at me and set me to work peeling potatoes at the island.

I had a pile big enough for a small army – or half a dozen Emmetts - when I heard her humming under her breath. I grinned when I caught the tune, biting my bottom lip to stop my giggle when she sang, "He's gonna get caught; just you wait and see," but I couldn't resist joining in as we deepened our voices together. "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?"

We sang together, dancing around the kitchen as we stirred and chopped while the others occasionally wandered in and out with amused expressions on their faces. Jasper stayed with us for a round of "Stand by Me" – his personal favorite – and he danced with me, sweeping me across the kitchen floor and leaving me giggling by the refrigerator as he went to spin his mom around.

Later, I was reaching in the oven to take out a pumpkin pie and singing, "Deep down in Louisiana, close to New Orleans, way back up in the woods among the evergreens…" as I shook my hips. When I straightened and turned around to leave the pie on the cooling racks spread out on the island, I caught sight of Edward's bronze hair and his back as he disappeared from the doorway. I blushed deeply as I wondered how long he'd been standing there watching, but I just shrugged and bit my bottom lip, hoping he'd at least liked what he'd seen.

Time passed quickly, and before I knew it, Charlie arrived just before noon, stepping into the kitchen to say hello. I hugged him tightly, my head resting on his chest the way it had for years now. He cleared his throat and awkwardly patted my back while I smiled at the familiar gesture. When I pulled away, he reached out his hand to shake Mama Hale's, but she swatted it away – like always – and pulled him close to hug him.

He was blushing a bit when they parted, huffing and pulling at his mustache as he thanked her for inviting him. She waved her hand dismissively. "You know you're always welcome here, Charlie…you don't have to wait on an invitation."

There was a sudden rush of bodies as people fluttered about the kitchen, picking up dishes and carrying them into the dining room to put them on the sideboard. The room was too hot, leaving a light layer of sweat on my skin as I tugged at my shirt. The fragrance of cinnamon and spice was nearly overwhelming, adding to the bustle to create that subtle difference in the atmosphere that made Thanksgiving.

Jasper and Alice took plates from the cupboard, and Rosalie followed them into the dining room with a basket of silverware. I heard grunts from Emmett and Charlie accompanying the creak of the table as they added the leaf to seat all of us. The back door closed, bringing with it the sound of Papa Hale stomping his feet before he walked through the kitchen and greeted Charlie.

Just as I fully realized the one voice that was missing, I heard its gentle melody behind me. "Bella?"

I turned around, and Edward smiled as soon as our eyes met, walking toward me. I reached out, taking his hand as I whispered, "Ready to meet my dad?"

His eyes widened as he took a deep breath, and I bit my bottom lip to hide the grin I felt when I realized he was nervous. I wasn't, for some reason. Maybe it was because I really had no experience here – not since I was a young teenager, anyway – but I just thought that Charlie and Edward would get along. I loved them both, and they had a lot in common, so I really didn't see any reason to be worried.

He nodded finally, and I laced my fingers through his, nodding in return. He led me into the dining room and stopped just inside the door. Charlie was joking with Jasper, the two of them laughing about something as Jasper punched his shoulder.

"Dad?" He didn't seem to hear me, their louder voices drowning me out. I cleared my throat and tried again. "Hey, Dad?"

Still nothing.

Emmett and Papa Hale had joined in now. I glanced up at Edward, who shrugged down at me. I sighed. "Charlie!"

Conversation halted completely, the only sounds those of Alice's voice asking Mama Hale if she needed any more help in the kitchen. I hadn't realized how loud my voice could be.

"What is it, Bells?" he asked, still looking away, and I caught sight of Jasper grinning at me. Just then, Charlie's head turned, and his eyes narrowed as he took in the sight of me holding Edward's hand. He knew about Edward, knew I was dating him, but I think the proof was a little bit different.

My mouth was dry, and suddenly, I was nervous. "Oh, umm…I just wanted to introduce you to Edward…" I stood there like a complete moron, not knowing what to do, but thankfully, Edward squeezed my hand and then dropped it as he stepped forward.

"Chief Swan?" He held out his hand, and Charlie shook it, his eyes focused on Edward's face. "I'm Edward Cullen…it's nice to meet you."

I watched as my father held onto my boyfriend's hand, the two of them frozen as Charlie's eyes narrowed even further. They were nearly slits when he finally shook Edward's hand once more and then dropped it. "Call me Charlie."

I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding as conversations sprang up again. Charlie nodded to Edward before he ducked into the kitchen. I heard a whistling noise and reached over, hitting Jasper in the chest with the back of my hand.

"What?" he asked a little too sweetly.

"Don't think I don't recognize that shit," I hissed.

"What are you talking about?"

I rolled my eyes. "Western standoff music? You might want to be a little more obvious."

Jasper finally cracked a grin and chuckled, unable to keep up his innocent facade any longer. By then, Edward had returned to my side, his eyes widening as he shrugged.

"I guess that went okay…" He sounded more uncertain than I'd ever heard him.

I smiled at him brightly. "You did great." I lifted up on my toes, kissing his cheek as I murmured in his ear, "Charlie's not really one for talking…"

Beside us, Jasper muttered something under his breath. I frowned at him. "What?"

He shrugged and sighed. "Just said he's not really a man of that few words." He clapped Edward on the shoulder. "Sorry, man, but there's something else coming."

Edward grimaced and ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh. I slipped my arm around his waist, reassuring him that it would be fine.

Alice came through the archway then, a bowl of cranberry sauce in her hands as she led Rosalie and the others into the dining room. The air was filled with excited chatter as we all took our seats around the table, everyone falling into comfortable conversation as the next hour passed quickly in a blur of turkey and gravy and too much talk about football and shopping.

I was seated between Charlie and Edward. My dad was quiet as always, making comments here and there, but as usual, it took Jasper to really draw him out.

"So what do you think of the Mariners' off-season acquisitions?" Jasper leaned back in his chair, rubbing his belly as he put his napkin on the table.

Charlie's eyes lit up at once, and he launched into one of the longest speeches he'd make all year – part-tirade, part-praise as he dissected each of the trades his favorite baseball team had made. He and Jasper argued at times, and I was picking at my dessert, not really listening, when I heard Edward's animated voice join in. He was arguing passionately against something Jasper said, and Charlie was sputtering beside me. I glanced over to see him opening and closing his mouth before, finally, he said, "Damn right, Edward. See, Jasper, what you're forgetting is…"

I tuned what he was actually saying out, beaming at Edward, who didn't notice as he jabbed his finger at the tabletop, emphasizing his point. Alice caught my eye across the table and grinned, subtly flashing me a thumbs up. To be honest, I hadn't known Edward was so into baseball. I knew he liked it, but of all the many things we'd talked about, that one really hadn't come up much – so I was both surprised and completely amused as I listened to the three of them debate. A few of the others joined in from time-to-time, but those three monopolized the majority of the main conversation as we finished eating.

Rosalie and Papa Hale welcomed Emmett into their discussion about the car show in Seattle a couple of weeks earlier. It turned out that Rosalie and Papa Hale had gone together while Emmett had been there alone. Rosalie smiled at her dad as he told Emmett he was more than welcome to go with them next time.

Alice was filling Mama Hale in on the after-Thanksgiving plans she and Edward had, and I listened, piping up occasionally, though I mostly sat with a vague sense of melancholy that lifted whenever I caught sight of Edward, Charlie, and Jasper talking so freely.

Biting my bottom lip, I played idly with my napkin, knowing that Jasper was right. No matter how well things were going at the moment, Charlie had something on his mind.

And he was never one for tact.

After everyone had had their fill of dinner and dessert, we all pitched in to take the dishes to the kitchen. The boys sent us out again, this time with Emmett taking the lead as he kissed Mama Hale on the cheek and told her a meal that divine called for some relaxation for the cooks. He ruffled my hair as he said, "So you ladies just go do whatever it is you feel like doing – you know, knitting or gossiping or giving your car a tune-up…" He winked at Rosalie.

Mama Hale tried to protest, but Papa Hale took the platter she was carrying from her hands and put it on the counter, wrapping his arms around her. "Now, Caroline…" he murmured before he leaned closer, whispering to her and then placing a gentle kiss on her temple. When he pulled away, she smiled up at him and then gave a slight nod, her hands fluttering up to tuck a stray lock of hair back into her bun.

As soon as we walked into the living room, the other three women made themselves comfortable. Mama Hale sat in her favorite armchair, pulling her knitting from the basket beside her as she talked to Alice, who was sitting in the loveseat Edward and I had claimed last night. Rosalie was flipping through channels, muttering to herself as she looked for something.

I sighed, realizing that the time was perfect for me to do the one thing I dreaded every holiday. It was time for me to call my mom and wish her a happy Thanksgiving. "I'll be right back," I muttered, pulling my phone from my jeans pocket.

I walked through the kitchen, unable to stop the smile on my lips when I saw the guys all busy cleaning up. Charlie was still talking, leaning against the island as he took a drink from his bottle of beer. Edward glanced over his shoulder as he loaded plates in the dishwasher, nodding. He smiled when he saw me, and I gave a little wave before I went out the back door.

The Hales' back porch was wide with several rocking chairs scattered around. A white porch swing was against the far end, and I walked to it as I scrolled through the phone book and punched the button for Renee's number.

I sat down on the swing, pushing myself slowly with my feet as I bit my thumbnail nervously. My eyes roamed the backyard, but I wasn't really seeing the familiar giant trees with the tree house where I'd spent so many hours as a kid. I exhaled heavily as I heard the click when Renee answered on the third ring.

"Bella?" Her voice was a little breathless.

"Hi, Mom." I tried to keep my voice cheerful and pleasant, but I could feel the familiar tension knotting my stomach.

"Bella! You just caught me cooking…" I began to relax slightly as my mother prattled on, telling me about a new recipe for a squash casserole she'd tried that ended up being some sort of over-baked gelatinous goo when she forgot to set the timer on the oven. She'd smoked herself out of the kitchen, and it had just aired out enough for them to finish making their Thanksgiving dinner.

I felt a pang of regret as I listened to her cheery voice and thought of her all alone there. I knew she had her husband – and I was glad – but part of the reason I hated calling on holidays was that I always felt like I should be there…and yet, the thought of actually going made me cringe.

"So Bella, baby, how are you doing? How's Jasper? Edward?"

"Hmm?" I shook myself with a start, realizing I'd missed most of what she'd said. "Oh…I'm good." I filled her in on most everything that was going on with me and Jasper. I avoided going into too much detail about Edward – she had a way of hearing so much more than I said, and she was always fucking right, which was irritating and unnerving.

"How long have you two been dating now?" she pushed, and I bit my bottom lip, trying to keep my jaw from clenching.

"Just a few weeks," I said. My voice was flippant as I tried to make her believe this was not a big deal. I hated the distance between us now, and there had been so many times over the years that I'd tried to make myself confide in her, but…

"Sweetie, I know you don't want to hear this, but I just wanted to say how proud I am of you. You're doing so well this time, and I-"

"Mom." My voice was hard, cutting her off at once.

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean…"

I sighed, suddenly tired as I ran my hand across my eyes and leaned back in the swing, staring blankly at the ceiling. "I know…"

Here it comes.

I swallowed hard, vague memories of James skirting the edge of my mind as I wondered what, exactly, she would say this time.

There was another pause – one I considered filling with "Okay, Mom, well, I just wanted to say happy Thanksgiving! I love you! Bye!" – but I couldn't. For whatever reason, she needed to tell me how sorry she was, and I just couldn't deny her that. It wasn't her fault, but she blamed herself…so I did what little I could to alleviate the pain she felt.

After all, if it was anyone's fault, it was mine.

When I heard her take a breath, I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I could just not hear what was coming. Her voice cracked when she spoke, evidence of the emotion she tried to keep out of it. "Sweetheart, I wish…I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. I wish I could just take it all away and make it so it never happened. You have no idea how terrible I feel, how much I wish I'd just checked on you in your room…"

Her voice continued, each word tearing at that not-really-healed wound that seemed to cover my entire chest. My hand was on my sternum as I worked to breathe evenly, trying not to sob as I listened to her name each of the things she wished she could change. Every single one of them was something that I had done. I was the one who snuck out. All she'd done is trust me – and I'd let her down.

Finally, she wound down after getting it all off her chest. I made it through the last minute or two of the conversation sounding relatively normal. I could hear the tears in my voice, the way it was choked, and I knew she could as well – but she was at a loss as to how to fix it from such a distance.

"I love you, baby." Her voice was soft and sincere, and I felt my frown as my face tightened, the tears threatening to fall.

"I love you, too, Mom," I managed. As soon as she said goodbye, I hung up the phone and tossed it to the ground, burying my face in my hands.

I don't know how long I sat there, incoherent but not really crying, before I felt hands on my shoulders as someone sighed.

"Come here, silly girl…" Jasper's voice was gruff as he pulled me up and wrapped me in his arms. My own arms slipped around his waist, my head resting on his chest just below his shoulder as he swayed with me slowly. His hand was gently caressing my hair, running from the back of my head down my back before he'd start over again. He whispered to me softly, words of encouragement and understanding that calmed me.

"Bella? Are you alright?" I raised my head when I heard Edward's soft, tentative voice. Jasper held my gaze, silently asking, Are you really okay?

I nodded at him with a small smile, and he kissed my forehead, nodding in return, before he dropped his arms. He turned away as my eyes sought out Edward, finding him standing in the doorway looking mildly uncomfortable. Jasper patted his shoulder as he passed by him, going into the kitchen and closing the door.

Edward watched me for a minute before I took a step toward him, and then it seemed like he was instantly at my side, fingers caressing my face as his strong arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me close. I inhaled, closing my eyes with a soft smile as I caught a hint of sandalwood and vanilla. My arms were wrapped around him, holding him tightly when his forefinger under my chin tilted my face up to meet his. He kissed me tenderly, his lips pressed against mine until I finally smiled, and then he pulled away.

He was gazing down at me, his eyes dark malachite rather than the lighter emerald they usually were. I could see countless questions within them, and I reached up, tracing his lips as I said quietly, "I'm fine, really…"

"What happened?" His brow knitted together.

With a sigh, I tried to explain. "I just…I had to call my mom. She sort of blames herself for…well, for everything, and I don't, but she just…apologizes a lot…" I realized as I was speaking how stupid it sounded and frowned. "I know that doesn't make any sense."

A small smile flitted across his lips before he sighed as well. "No, I think I get it…" He leaned down again, placing a gentle kiss on my lips as he said, "I'm sorry you had to do that."

I shrugged and gave a half-smile. "It's fine, really. I just wish I knew how to really make her understand that it's not her fault so she'll quit apologizing all the fucking time." I heard the completely ungrateful, bitter tone in my voice and closed my eyes, leaning forward and burying my face in Edward's chest to stop the flow of words.

His hands traced the lines of my face and stroked my hair, so very like Jasper's but the feeling was totally different. Jasper could make me feel completely at ease just like this, but he had never set my pulse racing the way Edward could. I inhaled deeply, smiling as my shoulders relaxed, and I felt the tension draining away.

After a moment longer, I looked up at him. "Feeling a little better?" His voice was soft, and a smile appeared on his face at my nod. I took a step back, reaching up to pull my hair from its bun. As I was running my fingers through my hair, Edward bent down. When he stood again, he handed me my phone and then held out his hand. I stuck the phone in my pocket and slipped my hand into his, letting him lead me back into the house without another word.

There, we found everyone piled in the living room, where the game was underway. Dallas was already up seven to nothing. Edward winked and nodded at Emmett, who rolled his eyes and grumbled, cheering as Hasselbeck completed a pass to Branch. As Edward and I were settling into our seats, though, the Seahawks fumbled and Dallas recovered while the room erupted in curses.

I sighed, running my fingers through Edward's hair. He was sitting on the floor in front of me, and I had one leg tucked under me, the other hanging down by his side as I leaned against the arm of the couch. His fingers idly caressed my foot, tickling me occasionally through my sock as we watched the game. Charlie was sitting on the other end of the couch, alternately crossing his arms over his chest with a huff when he glanced at us and screaming at the TV as if the players could actually hear him.

He wasn't the only one, though. I was amused to no end as I realized throughout the first half that all of us had a tendency to scream. By the time half-time rolled around, the Seahawks were down twenty-four to six, and we were all red-faced. When Tony Romo took a knee to end the half, there was a collective groan as people began standing and stretching. Everyone began to scatter, heading to the bathroom or to get a drink while the half-time show played. Charlie and Papa Hale were talking, carrying on a lively discussion about the Dallas defense when Edward tilted his head back to look up at me.

"Want anything to drink?" he asked.

"Sure." I smiled when he hopped up and held his hand out to me. We walked to the kitchen, where the silence seemed deafening; I was surprised to find it deserted. I leaned against the counter while Edward went to the fridge.

"Beer?" He glanced over his shoulder.

"Sounds perfect, thanks…"

He pulled two bottles out and then looked around with a frown.

"That drawer." I pointed, and he nodded, grinning his thanks. When he'd opened them both, he dropped the bottle opener back in the drawer and closed it with his hip, walking over to hand one of the frosty bottles to me.

I took a small sip only to notice that he hadn't touched his. He was watching me with a small smile on his lips. When I lowered my bottle, my tongue instinctively licked the last of the beer from my lips before I set my bottle on the counter. "What is it?"

He put his bottle beside mine and then stepped closer, placing his hands on my hips as he stopped only an inch or two away from me. "You…it was very…" He paused as if unsure how to say something. I slipped my arms around his waist, pulling him to me to close the distance between us. He smiled down at me before he finally cleared his throat and continued. "It was just very…nice…to watch you watching the game."

I arched an eyebrow, and he ducked his head, blushing faintly. "You're fucking beautiful anyway, but when you're all…passionate like that, I…" He shrugged, his thumbs rubbing against my hipbones.

I blushed as well, glancing away, and we both looked back at the same time. I bit my bottom lip as he leaned closer, and I inhaled just as his lips met mine. My eyes drifted closed as I gave a quiet sigh, my hands drifting up his back to pull him even closer.

"Ahem." The sound of someone clearing his throat made both our heads pop up as we turned to look at the doorway. Charlie was standing there, his eyes intent on me before he broke our gaze and walked to the refrigerator. He pulled out a beer, opening it with the bottle opener before slamming the drawer with a little too much force. He leaned back against the counter across the kitchen, crossing one arm over his chest as the other lifted his beer to his lips.

"Hi, Dad." I somehow refrained from rolling my eyes as some of the stupidest words ever escaped my lips. I felt like I was twelve and had been caught sneaking a kiss with my boyfriend. It was utterly ridiculous.

Still, the look on Charlie's face didn't lessen the feeling any. One eyebrow was raised as he tilted his beer back once more, taking a long drink while his eyes slid away from me and came to rest on Edward. He cleared his throat again as he lowered the bottle, crossing both arms over his chest. "So. Edward. I think we need to talk."

My eyes narrowed when Edward started to pull away from me. I kept my hands tight around his waist, holding him so he couldn't move. "Why?"

A smile ghosted across Edward's lips as he reached back and pulled my hands away. He kissed my forehead and murmured, "It's fine, Bella," before raising his voice and turning to face Charlie. "Yes, sir, that's probably a good idea. Did you want to talk here?"

Charlie glanced around the kitchen and then shook his head. "Back porch."

My eyes were growing wider by the second, and when he spoke, I stood up straight. "Wait." I didn't even know how to voice my alarm. Images of saloons and pine caskets and Western standoffs flitted through my mind.

Fucking Jasper.

Chuckling, Charlie said, "Hell, Bella, I'm not going to kill him." His eyes shifted to Edward again. "I do mean to be frank with him though."

That didn't help me relax any, and I frowned at my father as I reached out, taking Edward's hand.

"Look, you can come along if you want. I don't care if you want to hear what I have to say. But I'll leave that up to the two of you." He took another drink of his beer and pushed away from the counter. "I'll be out back."

Without another glance at us, he walked through the back door. Silence reigned in the kitchen as Edward and I turned to look at each other. "Guess I better get out there." Edward's voice was confident, and I studied him closely, trying to determine if there was any uncertainty in his eyes. "It's…it's up to you. I mean, if you want to come or not." His eyes were guarded, and he seemed tense as he waited for my answer.

"Good…then I'm coming."

He gave me a sad smile I didn't understand, studying me before he finally nodded. He stood up a little straighter, squaring his shoulders as he ran his fingers through his hair. The only word I could find to describe his expression was…resigned. He squeezed my hand once before he turned and led the way outside.

When we walked out onto the porch, Charlie was propped against the railing, his ankles crossed in front of him with his familiar brown boots on his feet. His arms were again across his chest, and without the change in scenery, it would've been impossible to tell he'd moved at all. His eyes were only for Edward, and I felt like an intruder as I took in the intensity between the two of them. I gently pulled my hand from Edward's and went to sit in one of the rockers off to the side.

Without preamble, Charlie said, "So how do you feel about my daughter?"

I watched Edward's shoulders rise and fall as he breathed evenly. I could feel his desire to glance at me, but he kept his eyes focused on my father as he said simply, "I love her."

Charlie watched him, taking a small sip of his beer before he reached out, putting the bottle on the railing. "Alright, so here's the deal. I hear nothing but good things about you. Jasper trusts you, and that says a lot." At last, his gaze broke from Edward's as he glanced over at me. "Bella trusts you, and that says even more."

I sat there, waiting for the rest, but he just…left it there.

I saw the way Edward's fingers twitched at his side, likely wanting to go to his pockets the way he stood when he was feeling defensive. That wasn't the image in my mind though. Oh, no. My mind was filled with a vision of the sun lowering on the horizon as tumbleweeds rolled by and he stared down my father.

Edward was the first to draw. "But you don't."

It was Charlie who fired the fatal shot. "No, I don't." Edward's shoulders fell ever-so-slightly, and my heart ached for him. Before I could decide what to say, though, Charlie breathed new life into us both. "Not yet, anyway."

Again, Edward's fingers moved, but his hands stayed by his side as he said, "May I ask why?" His tone was polite, but I heard the strain beneath it.

I was surprised when Charlie's posture relaxed, his shoulders slumping much like Edward's had. He scrubbed his face with his hands, and I was sure I heard a muttered, "Fuck," before he lowered his hands again, resting them on the railing on either side of his hips. His face was weathered and lined, and I realized for the first time just how…tired he looked. How worn. "Look, I don't trust anyone with her anymore. Not even her own mother."

Edward's jaw tightened as I watched the debate rage on his face. Finally, he lifted his chin slightly and said, "That's not true. You trust Jasper."

I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut when I saw Charlie's head drop, his face hidden from me while his thumbs rubbed deliberately along the railing. His voice was gruff as he attempted to disguise his pain. "I have to. Without him, I'd never have gotten my daughter back."

They were both still for a moment as I watched the fight leave them. Edward's hands rubbed his face just like Charlie's had, and then he ran his fingers through his hair. My father's face lifted, his eyes meeting Edward's as mutual understanding passed between them. Edward nodded once, his Adam's apple bobbing slowly as he swallowed. Charlie gave a small half-smile as he nodded in return, and then he stood, crossing the porch.

As he passed by Edward, he reached out, clapping him on the shoulder before he glanced over at me. His eyes were a confusing jumble of emotions, and I couldn't make any of them out before he turned away again, disappearing through the door into the kitchen.

When I looked back at Edward, his brow was furrowed as he watched Charlie leave. I stood and walked over to him, putting my arm around his waist. He glanced down at me with a half-hearted smile, and I felt one corner of my lips lift as I squeezed him tighter, reaching up to rub between his shoulder blades.

I wanted to tell him it was okay, that Charlie would come around, but the words died on my lips as I realized I had no idea how long it would take Charlie to accept Edward – or if he ever would. Instead, I lifted onto my toes and kissed his cheek. He cupped my cheek, kissing me gently, and then he ran his fingers through his hair and nodded to himself, as if he'd come to some sort of conclusion.

"You okay?" he murmured softly, and my smile became genuine. Of course he would be more worried about me.

I shook my head in disbelief as I took his face between my hands and pulled him down, kissing him deeply. I tried to let him know everything I was feeling – the awe and contentment I felt whenever I truly realized that he loved me – and he returned my kiss earnestly. When we parted, I nodded and asked if he was okay.

He licked his bottom lip as he thought for a moment and then nodded. "I'll be fine. I wish…" He shrugged and gave a small sigh. "I wish I could do something to change how he felt, but I guess it's just going to take time…" I wrinkled my nose, and he grinned at me, leaning down to kiss it. Against my skin, he murmured, "Time, and a whole lot of having me around."

"Well, I like the sound of that…" I closed the distance between us again as I spoke, and after we'd shared a few more sweet kisses, Edward led us back inside. We were immediately greeted with the sound of shouting from the living room, and when we walked through the door, our friends were already red-faced and yelling.

Charlie had scooted closer to one end of the couch, and he nodded at us as we walked in the room. His dark eyes followed Edward, who took a seat at the other end, and I sat beside him, curling up with one foot beneath me. He put his arm around my shoulders, his fingers idly stroking my upper arm as we watched the game.

By the time the Seahawks lost thirty-four to nine, we were all hoarse and disappointed. Chatter about the game filled my ears as Charlie stood with a groan, stretching his arms over his head as he arched his back. That was always the signal that he was about to leave, so I leaned over, whispering in Edward's ear, "I'm going to walk my dad out…be right back." I kissed his cheek, and he nodded, standing up and turning to face Charlie.

They shook hands cordially, and it was almost as if the whole exchange on the porch had never happened. I knew both of them well enough, though, to know that was an illusion.

After my dad made his rounds saying goodbye – and his arms had been filled with containers of leftovers from Mama Hale – I walked him out to the cruiser. I was wearing a thin fleece jacket that the wind seemed to cut straight through, making me shiver despite the bright sunshine just dipping behind the tops of the towering trees. My hands were in my pockets as I walked beside Charlie, looking down at the ground.

When we reached his car, he opened the door to stick the leftovers inside and then turned to face me, his hand holding onto the top of the door. We watched each other, me biting my bottom lip while he tugged on his mustache, before he finally sighed and closed the door, spreading his arms. A smile flickered on my lips as I walked the few steps to him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

He awkwardly patted my back, kissing the top of my head as I smiled into his chest. "You look good, Bells." His voice was gruff and low. "Better than you have in years."

When we parted, he pulled at his mustache again before he cleared his throat. "Look…if you trust Edward, I'm going to try my best. Can't make any promises though."

My smile was wide as I nodded, unsure of what to say. I wrapped my arms around myself, shivering. Charlie stepped forward and rubbed my upper arms, looking at me seriously. "Just…take it easy, alright? You just met the guy."

Gazing up at him, I suddenly felt like a child again, his warm brown eyes looking directly into my matching ones. I could see several emotions lurking in his eyes, but the one that struck me the most was…fear. I cleared my throat to find my voice, nodding before I said quietly, "I will. Promise."

Charlie dropped his hands, assuming an air of mock-sternness. "And don't be such a stranger. You know, it wouldn't hurt you to call once in awhile."

I frowned up at him for a moment, trying to determine the best way to answer him. I knew he was partially joking – but only partially.

Honesty.

With an internal sigh, I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as I decided to try Edward's strategy. "Dad…you should know that I want to call more often…and I would. If you'd lay off the Jake thing." His eyes widened in confusion as I reached up, looking down at my fingers playing with the ends of my hair. "I'm not going to get into all of it…" I grimaced at the thought of telling him what Jake had said. "But it's just not going to happen. I'm not going to date Jake. Ever. So just…you know…get over it." I glanced up at him as I said the last, giving him a wry grin.

He narrowed his eyes at me for a moment and then sighed dramatically. "So I guess I should call Billy and tell him to cancel the reservations at the Lodge for the reception?"

I rolled my eyes, punching him lightly in the stomach. He doubled over, clutching it, before he stood up straight and grinned at me. We hugged again, and this time his hand gently stroked my hair as he said softly, "Seriously? Jake was the problem?"

My shoulders lifted once as I gave a short, ironic laugh. "Yeah, Jake's the problem."

"Good to know," was all he said as he squeezed me once more. We said our goodbyes, and I promised to call him sooner this time; then he got into his cruiser and pulled away.

As I opened the front door, the soft strains of piano music put a smile on my face. I found myself tiptoeing as I walked down the hallway and to the little-used sitting room. Mama and Papa Hale entertained there when they had friends over, but it had always been off-limits to us as kids, and it seemed shrouded in mystery and reverence even now.

When I reached the wide archway, I peered around the corner and watched Edward sitting on the piano bench, his wild hair waving with the motion of his arms as his fingers deftly maneuvered over the keys. His bottom lip was between his teeth, his brow furrowed in concentration, and there was a look of utter passion and abandon on his face. His eyes were focused on the movement of his hands, his body rocking slightly as he reached along the keyboard.

I was vaguely aware of the others sitting on the couches spread around the room, but I had eyes only for Edward as I finally took the few remaining steps through the archway. I couldn't move any further, so mesmerized was I by the sight before me. It was reminiscent of when he played the guitar, but he seemed more…free. More absorbed.

Putting my hands behind my back, I leaned against the doorframe and drank up the sights and sounds filling the room. I was frustrated that I didn't recognize the song he was playing, beautiful though it was. It seemed to be a classical composition, which had never been of interest to me. My mother played CDs of classical music around the house, and she'd tried to teach me as a child – prattling on about composers and conductors and symphonies – but it wasn't until I heard Edward play that I felt the first stirring of a desire to learn.

The desire to learn wasn't the only desire I felt, though. I bit my bottom lip, inhaling lightly through my nose as I felt a strange fluttering in my stomach.

As I watched, his face relaxed into a beatific smile as his eyes drifted closed. The song morphed into a series of simple notes, and I listened closely, hoping I would recognize this new melody. I felt slightly disappointed when I didn't, but I found I couldn't feel down while watching Edward play.

His lips were parted, his tongue moistening them when the simple melody was suddenly fuller, chords interweaving to create a more complex song, and the words flooded my mind.

The long and winding road

That leads to your door

Will never disappear

I've seen that road before

I smiled to myself as he continued to play, his music the only sounds in the room. After hearing him sing that night at his apartment, I could just imagine the way his voice would dance over the notes, caressing each word.

We all watched him in silence, and as the song came to a close, his hands stilled on the keys, his head lifting and his eyes opening as he turned his head, looking for me. We smiled at each other across the room, and Mama Hale was the first to speak. "Thank you so much, dear! That was beautiful…you certainly are talented."

Edward's cheeks flushed a light pink as he thanked her, and he was just so fucking cute that I wanted to kiss him. I pushed away from the wall, but before I could take a step, Emmett said, "Oh, you know you're not done. Play it."

Edward raised an eyebrow at him.

"You know exactly what I mean."

"Yeah, play it," Alice piped up.

Edward made a face and glanced around at all of us, but if he was seeking support, he was looking in the wrong place. We were all too intrigued. "Play what?" I asked Emmett.

"He knows," was the cryptic reply.

Popping his knuckles, Edward rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath, but I caught the grin just before he lowered his head and began to play. When I heard the first notes, I giggled, but that was nothing compared to Alice's voice saying, "Yo V.I.P., let's kick it!"

My laughter was drowned out by the others, and I watched, wide-eyed, as Alice and Emmett sang together. They seemed to have some sort of routine – I saw them move their shoulders the same way, nearly dancing in their seats. Jasper and Rosalie were both staring at them in amusement, mouths hanging open, eyebrows lifted, making them look more like twins than usual.

By the time Emmett said, "Yo, man, let's get outta here...word to ya motha…" and Alice crossed her arms over her chest, Jasper was nearly hyperventilating, and Rosalie's face was turning red. They hadn't missed a word, and Edward had even joined in, calling out the words of the backup singers.

We were giggling together when Jasper wrapped Alice in a tight hug and said, "How long have you guys been doing that?" through his laughter.

She glanced over her shoulder at Emmett, furrowing her brow, and he shrugged as he said, "A few years…started when Eddie there was playing 'Under Pressure' at Christmas one year."

Edward rolled his eyes again, muttering, "Don't call me Eddie," under his breath as he stood and lowered the cover on the keyboard. Everyone began talking at once, carrying on different conversations at Mama Hale walked over to give Edward a hug. She thanked him again, and his smile was genuine as he thanked her for letting him play.

She waved her hand dismissively, saying, "Please, dear, it was our pleasure…" She kept her arm around his waist as she steered him from the room. Everyone followed in their wake, and I waited until the room was empty before I brought up the rear. Edward glanced back over his shoulder, looking for me as Mama Hale talked, and I smiled, lifting my hand to wave at him.

We were ushered into the dining room, where Rosalie helped Mama Hale bring the deserts to the table. Edward pulled out a chair for me, kissing my cheek before I sat down, and I realized that I was plotting…I had to have some time alone with him before he left. There was really no other option.

I plotted the whole time we enjoyed our pie and chatted – the smile on my face was real, but my mind was working, looking for the right time to slip away. I knew it wouldn't be while Mama and Papa Hale were still awake, so I pushed it to the back of my mind as we all played cards together. It was really enjoyable to be with them again, and I focused on that, loving the way they were getting to know Edward and the others.

By the time the older Hales went to bed, it seemed like we had always been together – all eight of us. There was no awkwardness, no one person who seemed to be on the outside. In truth, I felt more like I belonged than I had at times in the past when Jasper and Rosalie had brought home their dates.

The time still wasn't right for me to get Edward alone, so I played board games and drank beer as we all hung out. By the time I'd had several beers, I was feeling a little light-headed when I walked down the hallway to go to the restroom. We'd just finished playing Risk Godstorm, where Jasper and Edward had totally obliterated the rest of us, and I checked the clock on my phone as I made my way through my room.

9:53.

Close, but not quite close enough. I stumbled once, catching my toe on the corner of my suitcase as I decided it was time for me to stop drinking for the night. Otherwise, there would be little point in time alone with Edward anyway, as I'd just pass out cold.

After using the restroom and washing my hands, I was passing through my room again when I remembered my camera. I unzipped my suitcase, pulling out the small digital camera my mom had sent for my birthday last year. I'd meant to take some pictures of us earlier in the day, but I definitely didn't want Edward to leave before I had at least one of us together, whether or not I was red-faced and slightly drunk in it.

I returned to the living room to find Alice setting up Cranium. Thoughts of getting Edward to myself fled my mind as my eyes sought Jasper. He grinned at me broadly, flashing a thumbs up at me.

"Oh, hell no." Rosalie's voice was resolute, and Jasper and I both frowned at her. We'd switched up partners throughout the night, and the two of us had yet to play together.

"Why not?" I asked petulantly just as Alice asked what we were talking about.

"Bella and Jasper aren't allowed to be on the same team." Rosalie arched an eyebrow, crossing her arms over her chest as she stood with one hip poked out.

"That's not fair!" Jasper complained as I joined him, voicing our protests loudly.

Rose grinned, wiggling her fingers at us. "Not a chance. You two don't get to work your little voodoo tonight." I muttered under my breath, rolling my eyes while Jasper sighed and crossed his arms. We were acting like children, but damn it, this was our favorite game. We couldn't help it if we were damn good together.

Eventually we decided to play as couples, and we all settled around the coffee table. I gave my camera to Alice, asking her to take some pictures of everyone, and the night was punctuated with the flash as she took her job very seriously.

Edward was sitting in the armchair, which he offered to me, but I refused, sitting in the floor between his legs. I rested my cheek against his knee, smiling lazily as he ran his fingers through my hair.

Soon.

A few rounds passed by in a blur, all of us having a relatively easy time, until it was Jasper and Alice's turn again. I reached over, taking the camera from Alice as Jasper read the card with a grin and stood, running his fingers though his hair as he waited for Rosalie to start the timer. As soon as she flipped it, he tucked his elbows into the side and held his hands away from his body, thumbs out as he shook his shoulders and his hips. I giggled and then took a look at his face. His tongue was stuck out as he danced, and I knew the answer instantly.

Tongue and groove.

I covered my mouth, half-fearful that I'd said it aloud, but Alice was staring at Jasper with her mouth hanging open, completely perplexed. I shook my head, snapping a few pictures of Jasper dancing and Alice staring at him like he'd lost his mind. Emmett was cracking up, his head thrown back as he laughed, and I heard Edward's quiet chuckle from behind me. Alice frowned, tilting her head as she watched him.

"Howard the Duck?" she guessed, and we all burst out laughing. Her shoulders shook as she tried not to giggle, and Jasper just danced all the harder, lifting one foot as he did the Twist.

Mercifully, the sand in the timer finally ran down, and I blurted out, "Tongue and groove!"

Jasper laughed, holding up his hand for a high five. I giggled as our hands slapped, and I saw Alice shaking her head, dumbfounded. "How the hell did you know that?"

I shrugged and heard Rosalie mutter, "Fucking voodoo," under her breath.

"I love you, darlin', but where in the world did Howard the Duck come from?" Jasper murmured as he settled in beside Alice again. She giggled, kissing him instead of answering, and I looked away to watch Rosalie and Emmett take their turn.

They had to draw, and Rose decided to take it, picking up the card and reading the back. She snorted and nodded at me as she picked up the pencil. Alice held out her hand, and I gave the camera back to her, immediately blinded by the flash as she snapped a picture.

As soon as I started the timer, Rosalie made a few swipes with the pencil, creating two curves side-by-side. Before I could begin to guess, Emmett called out, "Tire!"

The corner of Rose's lips lifted in a half-smile as she moved her pencil over, drawing in a blank part of the page. She quickly sketched a circle, putting a dot in the middle and then drawing a line from the dot to the edge. "Radius!" was Emmett's immediate answer. I glanced at him, somewhat amazed, and saw him wrinkle his forehead before he grinned. "Radial tire!"

"Oh, come on!" Edward's voice was the loudest, but we were all playfully protesting, teasing the two of them about cheating. Jasper muttered something about seeing who had the voodoo now, and the game continued for awhile longer as the lead passed back and forth.

Finally, Edward and I were on our last turn with a chance to win the game if we got it right – and, more importantly, the chance for me to get him alone when the game ended.

It was one of the charades ones where you have to impersonate a celebrity, and Edward took it, standing as he held out his hand for the card. A wicked little grin lit up his face as soon as he read the name on the back, and he nodded to Emmett, who started the timer. He immediately assumed a cocky demeanor, pointing his finger at me with his thumb up like he was holding a gun. His voice was low and raspy as he squinted his eyes and said, "Go ahead. Make my day."

I knew I should know it, but my mind was a complete blank as my body seemed to respond to the confidence he was exuding.

Jeeesus.

"John Wayne?" I didn't need Jasper and Emmett's laughter to let me know my answer wasn't right. A smile flashed across Edward's face before he schooled himself, clearing his throat as he narrowed his eyes and tried again.

"You've gotta ask yourself a question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

I felt a tingling deep in my stomach at the sound of that cocky voice again, and suddenly it hit me. "Oh! Clint Eastwood!"

Edward grinned broadly and reached for me, helping me up so he could pull me into a tight hug. I heard Jasper snort behind me as he muttered, "I can't believe you won! Fucking John Wayne…"

"Yeah, yeah," I said, pulling away from Edward as I yawned. My voice was thick and strained when I spoke again, lending credibility to my words. "I'm fucking exhausted…I think I'm going to go take a nap before you guys have to leave…"

Edward's face fell, and he just looked so…heartbroken. Reaching out, I took his hand, smiling softly as I pulled him close and lifted on my toes to whisper, "You're coming too, you know."

His eyes widened, and he said, "Oh." Suddenly, he couldn't get us out of there fast enough as he started packing up the game.

Alice pulled the strap of my camera off her wrist and handed it back to me as Jasper ran his fingers through his hair and said, "A nap sounds like an excellent idea."

Emmett smirked. "Yeah, Rosie and I are gonna go make out, too."

Rosalie elbowed him in the ribs as Jasper hissed, "Want to say that shit a little louder? I'm sure my mom can find something for us all to do…"

Edward cleared his throat, saying he was really tired and that we would see them all in a few hours before he took my hand and practically pulled me down the hall. I stifled my giggle, not wanting to wake Mama Hale, but I was smiling broadly when we stepped into my room and he flipped on the light.

He murmured, "Sorry…" and looked sheepish.

I kissed him gently, saying, "Don't apologize…I've been plotting a way to get you alone all night."

"Really?" His face brightened when I nodded, and he grinned, crossing the room to sit on my bed, where he turned on my lamp. He didn't say anything else, but I felt his eyes on me as I turned out the overhead light and walked over to put my camera on the nightstand.

"Hey…" I glanced over at him when he spoke again, arching an eyebrow. "Will you send me those?"

"You want them? Really?" My voice was a little higher pitched than usual, betraying my happiness. I melted a little when he nodded, biting my bottom lip as I sat beside him. "I'll email them as soon as I get back to my computer." I frowned. "Actually…I'll see if I can borrow Rose's laptop. I know she brought it."

His fingers gently caressed my cheek, and I turned to face him, realizing at once that I was babbling during the last few hours we had together, when that was hardly the point of getting him alone. My eyes closed as I leaned toward him, our lips meeting as we both sighed softly. I smiled against his lips, shifting on the bed so that I was facing him more fully. He moved as well, and we seemed to be perfectly in sync, our tongues brushing against each other at the same time.

His hands were on my waist as he deepened the kiss, nibbling my bottom lip before he pulled away. I opened my eyes to find his still closed, his forehead pressed against mine as he said, "God, Bella…I've wanted to do that all fucking day. Do you have any idea how tempting you are?"

I felt a thrill shoot through me at his words, a slow smile spreading across my lips. My voice was low, the words barely audible when I whispered, "Do you have any idea how tempting you are?"

He ducked his head, peering up at me through his lashes, and I laughed softly, putting my hands on his shoulders and pressing him back against the mattress. His eyes widened as he said, "Bella?"

I didn't answer; I just kissed him, and he responded immediately, our lips moving slowly together as we lay side-by-side. We shifted until we were lying the right way on the bed – it was a twin, so there wasn't a whole lot of room, but I sure as hell wasn't complaining.

The next hour was spent kissing and caressing, talking and laughing quietly as we reveled in being together. As anxious as I had been to get him alone, I found that I didn't want to rush anything. I enjoyed the slow pace, the way he seemed to be paying attention to every little thing I said and every small touch that passed between us. We were committing these moments to memory, and I smiled as my eyes drifted closed while his soft lips pressed against mine and I felt the faint calluses on his fingertips as he caressed my cheek.

Our disjointed conversation was sprinkled around our kisses, our discussion of Charlie and Mama Hale interrupted when we couldn't keep our lips and hands to ourselves. It turned out that Mama Hale had been sneaky, just happening to end up in the kitchen when the boys were cleaning up. She hadn't spoken to Edward directly about me – or us – but she had taken the time to get to know him a little better, and it made me smile to know she was curious. Apparently she'd had just as many questions for Emmett, and Edward smiled the whole time he was talking about her, so I assumed it went well.

He was less happy about what Charlie'd had to say to me. I felt a fluttering of apprehension as I bit my lip, working up the courage to tell him. Taking a deep breath, I let it all spill out. His eyes grew tighter when I mentioned Jake and Charlie's preference for him. I reassured Edward, telling him I truly thought my dad just needed time to get to know him, but it had to sting to know my father had been hoping I'd date someone else – especially Jake.

The subject of Charlie reminded me of that strange look on Edward's face when I'd said I was coming with him to hear what my dad had to say. "Hey, so…" I trailed off, not quite sure how to bring it up.

He gave me a chaste kiss with a small smile. "What is it?"

"Well…" I kissed him in return. "I was just wondering…what were you thinking earlier? When I told you I was going to come with you to talk to Charlie?"

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he glanced away. When he looked back at me, there was a slight sadness in his eyes that made me frown. "Oh." He slowly licked his lips, debating, before he finally spoke. "I just…I know I'm not good enough for you, Bella…" When my lips parted to protest, he put his index finger over them and gave me a sad smile. "Shh…I know what you're going to say. I thought maybe Charlie was going to tell me that. I was worried he'd try to convince you, but…" He trailed off, pulling at his hair irritably. "I wouldn't hide that from you. I know what I am, and I want you to know me before you decide to be with me."

My chest felt hollow, aching and somehow both empty and full to bursting at once. I started to tell him I'd already chosen to be with him, but the words died on my lips as I realized that wouldn't help – he was so damn sure there was something wrong with him. I knew words alone would never change his mind, so I decided to try to show him as well.

He was half-sitting in his agitation, and I kept my eyes focused on his as I moved, putting my hand on his shoulder and pushing him back. He didn't resist, but I hated the melancholy, almost wistful look I saw on his face. There was no reason for him to be wistful, damn it. I wanted the same thing he did, and he sure as fuck was "good enough" for me.

I kept myself from rolling my eyes at that ludicrous thought, following as he lay flat on his back. My smile was shy as I climbed over him, settling my knees on either side of his hips.

"Bella…" If it was meant to be a protest or an admonition, it was weakened by the way his warm hands wrapped around my waist as his head lifted to meet mine.

Our kiss began slowly and sweetly, and I pulled back briefly to murmur, "I love you, Edward. You are the most patient…" I kissed his chin. "…caring…" His cheek. "…understanding man…" I nibbled his ear, smiling when I felt his fingers gripping me tighter. I continued lavishing him with well-deserved praise, my kisses growing less innocent as my body began to respond to the way his fingers caressed my ribs.

When our lips met again, he deepened the kiss at once, his tongue licking along my lower lip. I moaned softly, my hands moving to his hair just above his ears. One of his hands drifted up my back, his palm pressing against me firmly as he held me closer. I could feel his hard chest against mine, and the feeling of his strong arms wrapped around me made me squirm.

He loosened his grip at once, and I broke away just long enough to whisper, "No, don't stop," breathlessly as I tilted his chin up and kissed beneath his jaw. He moaned softly, my name tumbling from his lips as he shifted his hips. His right hand moved upward, lingering on my ribcage, where it paused.

I nodded, my hair falling over his face as I answered his unasked question, and he inhaled deeply before his fingers crept slowly upward. He took his time, his hand pressed against my side long enough for the heat of his skin to spread before he would finally move it another inch. Anticipation was building in my stomach, the funny fluttering growing stronger before I felt his thumb brush against the curve of my breast.

Inhaling sharply, I attacked his lips, kissing him furiously. I felt him smile before he returned my kiss just as eagerly. Thankfully, his hand seemed to be out of slow motion as he cupped my breast, his palm hot against my skin through my shirt as his thumb began to trace my nipple. Something deep within me clenched, and my hips moved automatically, rotating as I felt a surge of desire.

This was only the second time Edward had touched me this way, and I was surprised again by the intense reaction of my body. I didn't remember ever feeling that way before – my heart racing, my breath quickening as my body began to move of its own accord, seeking out some sort of relief.

In the back of my mind was an image of me pressed against the wall of a dusty warehouse while my hips writhed with someone else – someone whose hot breath poured over my neck. Involuntarily, I gave a little shake of my head, forcing the memory away.

No. Not him. It's not him.

I must not have paused because Edward – ever hyperaware of my every reaction – didn't stop, didn't pull away to see if I was okay. His lips were insistent on mine, his hand kneading my breast in the most amazing way as I threw myself back into our kiss with renewed fervor.

I lost myself in the feeling of him beneath me, breathing in his heady scent as I grew light-headed. Our lips moved flawlessly together, his teeth and tongue teasing me until I was moaning softly with every panting breath.

I didn't realize my hips were writhing until I felt Edward's arm wrap low around my waist, holding me even closer to him. I gasped when I felt his hard length pressed against that most sensitive part of my body, and we both froze.

I felt Edward's eyes on my face as I swallowed hard, my own eyes closed as I tried to will away all the memories that came flooding back to me – lying on top of James, his hands pulling me roughly as he ground his erection against me painfully; his teeth biting my shoulder too hard, leaving crescent-shaped bruises; the sting of his slap when I told him no.

"Bella? Bella!" The soft, panicked voice broke through my memories, and I took a shuddering breath, the fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla washing over me.

When I opened my eyes, Edward's face was blurry, distorted by the tears I'd been unaware of. His hands were on my face, caressing my cheekbones, and I saw him relax just slightly when my eyes found his. Awkwardly, he sat up, somehow shifting me so that I was cradled in his lap as he worked to soothe me. He whispered words of comfort mixed with apologies, and I clung to him, my head resting on his shoulder.

As my fear began to fade, my frustration built until I finally sat up straighter, pushing away as I angrily scrubbed my cheeks with the backs of my hands. I just wanted to fucking growl.

So I did.

"Bella?" Edward's question was tentative, and I heard the pain in his voice. I turned to look at him, my left hand finding his cheek as I rubbed his cheekbone gently, much as he had mine.

"Don't," I whispered when I saw that hesitant look in his malachite eyes that seemed now to be flecked with slate – the look that told me he was pulling away. "Please. Please don't quit on me."

He frowned, his forehead wrinkling, but his voice was a little stronger, a nearly angry edge hardening it. "I would never give up on you."

I swallowed. "But you're about to tell me that's enough for tonight…" When he didn't argue, I pushed him. "Aren't you?"

He ran his fingers through my hair tenderly, following a single lock of hair all the way to the tip, where he twisted it gently between his fingers. He watched it for a moment before he looked back up at me. "I just think…maybe it's for the best. Bella, love, you're trying so hard, and I just…I…" He sighed. "Do you think you're going too far, too fast?" His words stirred the frustration I was already feeling, giving it fuel until it grew to defiance.

I would not cower and hide and wait. Not anymore.

Edward was watching me with that familiar expression – patience and love and understanding…all those emotions I'd come to expect from him. I couldn't decide whether to smile or cry. In the end, I think I sort of grimaced, and he gave me a small smile in response, his thumb tracing my lower lip before he ducked his head and kissed me tenderly.

"Do you want to rest for awhile?" He was so close when he spoke that I could feel his breath wash over my lips, soft and sweet, and so utterly unlike anything I had ever known with that motherfucker James.

I can do this. I will do this.

"Not yet," I said softly and then cleared my throat. His eyes tightened at my answer, and a frown flickered across my face. "What is it?"

"You try so hard for me…I just wonder what it is that you want. We have time, Bella. You don't have to push yourself like this." As he finished, he kissed me softly, and there was such compassion in his voice that I nearly gave in. Now that his presence had calmed my racing heart, chasing away all vestiges of the asshole that had created the mess that was my emotional state – chasing them away for the moment, anyway – I felt tired, and it would have been so easy to curl up with him, cuddling with him and staying safe in his embrace. But "safe" wasn't all I wanted anymore. Not with him.

"Edward, this is what I want. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you…all of this starting and stopping and never knowing what I'll be okay with and when. But, baby, I feel it, too – all of it. The frustration and the desire and the love and the need to just throw you down sometimes and..." I trailed off as I saw the grin spreading on his face. "What is it?"

He ducked his head, a faint blush on his cheeks as he looked at the quilt on my bed. "You just called me 'baby.'"

"I did?" I thought for a moment, feeling my eyebrows pulling together. "Oh, yeah, I did…" I grinned, biting my bottom lip as I shrugged. "I don't know where that came from, but I kind of like it."

"So do I," he said quietly, leaning over to kiss me, taking my bottom lip between his. When he pulled away, he sighed. "I get it, Bella…I do. I'm trying my best. I just don't know what to do sometimes, you know?"

I smiled, nodding slightly. "I do…I have the same problem, you know." I nudged his shoulder playfully. "We just have to talk about things, I think…make sure we don't assume we know what's going on with each other. And practice."

He arched an eyebrow at me, and I was so fucking relieved to see that teasing gleam start to reappear in his eyes. "Practice, hmm?" I nodded, and he wrapped his arms around me, kissing just in front of my ear as he murmured, "You're sure you don't want to sleep for awhile? You look so tired."

I shook my head, resting my forehead against his temple. "I have all the time in the world to sleep after you leave." I swallowed against the lump in my throat as his arms tightened around me.

I expected a protest of some sort, some comment about how I needed my rest, but there was none. After a moment of silence, I raised my head, looking at him, and his eyes were dark as he returned my gaze steadily. My expression must have been curious because he took a deep breath and then said, "Whatever you want, love."

"Really?" Even I could hear the surprise in my tone.

He nodded, kissing my forehead and then my lips, murmuring, "Always."

At that one word, I took advantage of his lips against mine, tangling my fingers in the hair at the base of his neck as I pulled him close and kissed him, my lips parting his. He moaned quietly, but I could feel the struggle within him as he tried to decide what it was I wanted. I whispered my plea, and there was no hesitation as he nodded, moving to lie down. His hands were on my waist as he started to help me on top of him once more, but I stayed where I was, shaking my head.

Confusion flickered across his features, and I tried to explain, my voice low. "I want to try this…I want to know how you feel…on me…"

I watched him swallow, his eyes steadily focused on mine, surprising me when he nodded. A smile flirted on my lips, and he moved to the edge of the bed as he gave me room to lie down and get comfortable. He stretched out beside me, his hand resting on my belly where my shirt had ridden up, his fingertips moving back and forth slowly along my flesh. "Are you sure?"

I nodded, biting my bottom lip. He leaned down, his tongue teasing the shell of my ear before he whispered, "Tell me what you want, Bella…I can't stand the thought of doing something wrong with you…"

In answer, I worked my arm beneath him, wrapping my arm around his waist as I rubbed his lower back. "Kiss me," I requested softly.

His lips curved into a smile before they met mine, and I knew that – despite any reservations and worries and whatever the fuck else both of us had – he was letting go, just as I was. Our kisses were slow and soft at first, building in intensity as we turned toward each other. His knee slipped between mine, his hand on my lower back pulling me closer so that our bodies were flush. His chest was warm against my breasts, making me moan quietly.

Our hands begin to roam, exploring each others' bodies as our kisses became feverish. I felt his fingertips massaging my thigh just above my knee before his grip suddenly tightened when I took his earlobe between my teeth and bit down lightly. A muted, "Fuck," tumbled from his lips, making me smile and bite again, just a little harder. He gave a quiet, playful growl and buried his face in my neck, kissing and sucking as I suddenly realized I needed more.

I tugged on his shirt and rolled onto my back, urging him to come with me. He paused for just a second, his entire body growing still before he exhaled once and then moved with me. His eyes sought mine, gauging my reaction as he gradually moved to lie on top of me. For every inch he shifted, he made some calming gesture - the back of his hand brushing my cheek, a gentle kiss placed on my lips, his thumb rubbing my hip.

He hovered above me, his body stretched out uncomfortably as he supported his weight on his hands, which pressed into the mattress on either side of my shoulders, and his knees, which were just between mine. He lowered his upper body to place loving kisses on my lips, and my heart swelled at the care he was taking with me – but that wasn't all I needed. My hands had been hovering near his hips as I let him do this his way, but now I slipped them around his waist, tightening my grip as I lifted my chin to kiss him.

He carefully bent his arms, letting me feel his weight gradually. He was still tense, nervous, licking his lips as his eyes stayed focused on mine. When his hips settled between mine, my legs were forced to spread farther apart, my knees lying flat against the mattress. I shifted my shoulders, trying to lift my head, but my hair was caught underneath.

Edward gave a tentative smile and reached up to gingerly help free my hair, and the cautiousness of his gesture reminded me so much of the way we'd danced around each other in the beginning. I sighed, not wanting to see us go back to that place even while I appreciated the way he always took care of me.

Watching him – seeing that indecisive look in his eyes - I bit my bottom lip as I realized that he seemed…stuck, almost. Unable to push past this point in our physical relationship. He was afraid.

I took a deep breath, the weight of him pressing against my chest and making it difficult to fully fill my lungs. He started to pull away, but I shook my head and smiled at him. "I'm fine," I murmured. "Promise. Are you…?"

I appreciated the way he paused for a moment, studying my face as he thought. When he finally nodded, matching smiles spread on both our faces as I bit my bottom lip, suddenly shy as I rubbed my hands slowly up and down his back. He began to relax under my touch, his body settling more heavily on mine, and the power I had over him - even at that moment, while he was so physically in control – bolstered my confidence…and my resolve.

My right hand slid up his back, coming to rest on the nape of his neck as I urged him closer. "Come here…" I whispered, and he shifted upward so that his lips met mine.

Our kisses at first were timid and light – awkward, even; gone was the passion of moments earlier as we tried to adjust to this change in our physical dynamic. One of Edward's legs had occasionally been thrown across mine as he was stretched out against my side, his arm thrown over my waist, but never had he been here – there was no mistaking where he was lying or the way our bodies were fitted together.

As completely prosaic as it was to be thinking about at a time when I had a fucking gorgeous man lying on top of me in bed kissing me, part of my mind was focused, preparing myself for what I would soon feel. All it would take would be Edward adjusting another inch or two upward, and I knew I would feel his arousal just as I had before. I was determined to be prepared this time, not to be caught off guard by the unexpected sensation.

Because of the way my mind was divided, I had a hard time throwing myself into the experience, and I found my movements were a little stilted and stiff, my hands not moving fluidly as they stayed tangled in his hair just a bit longer than was natural. When I caught myself trying to act more normal, that just made it worse, and soon, even the pattern of my breathing was off.

Fucking hell, Bella. Get a grip.

I took a breath to steady myself before focusing on just the little things: the masculine scent that was purely Edward beneath the warm mask of sandalwood; the tiny little noise he made whenever we kissed – it was part moan, part whimper, but all Edward as his voice came through; the way his stubble scratched at the edges of my lips.

A smile pulled at my lips, but I was too busy relishing Edward's taste and the way his tongue brushed against mine while his teeth gently grazed it. Finally losing myself in that wonderful place with him, I worked in the new sensations like the weight of his hips on my inner thighs, stretching them just past the point of comfort so that I knew I would be sore in the morning. I welcomed that little bit of discomfort, knowing it would be a more tangible reminder of the time we spent together.

Edward gave a low moan and pressed his toes into the mattress, pushing himself up my body as he deepened our kiss. My heard pounded in my chest when I felt his hardness once more. My mind had shielded itself somewhat, though, and I was ready. Instead of panicking, I turned my attention to the sensation, surprised to realize that it felt…good. Really fucking good.

Holy shit.

The flighty feeling in my chest didn't seem to have anything to do with fear this time, and I was shocked to hear myself give a needy whimper. Edward's lips left mine, his breathing heavy as he moved to kiss my throat. His lips left a trail from the pulse point below my ear all the way to my collarbone, following the heated line of my vein. One of his arms slipped beneath my upper back as the other reached for the neck of my shirt. His blunt fingernails scratched me lightly as he pulled the fabric down, exposing my skin. He licked at my collarbone, his breathless voice murmuring, "Fuck, you taste so good…"

I shivered at the sound of his words, his voice deep and husky and awakening desire in me in a way I had long forgotten. My legs wrapped around his hips, my ankles crossing as I moaned when his hard-on pressed against that sensitive juncture between my thighs. I squeezed him, my legs tightening around him as my hips lifted from the bed to meet his.

He raised his head, his chest heaving with his laborious breathing. His eyes found mine, the desire I saw in them making me squirm. When my hips shifted, I brushed against him, and he lifted his chin higher, his lips parting as he gave a breathy moan. I watched as his eyes rolled back in his head just before they drifted closed, and his hips moved against mine in response.

My hands tightened on his back, my fingertips digging into him as my breathing stuttered. His eyes opened at once, a flash of panic on his face before he saw the expression on mine. He smiled then, a gentle curve of his still-parted lips as his tongue moistened the bottom one. Hesitantly, he rocked his hips again, so gently that I almost couldn't tell, but the jolt of pleasure the movement sent through me made my eyes flutter closed as I inhaled shakily.

My body was rocked slightly as he adjusted his arms, moving his forearms beneath my shoulder blades as his hands gripped my shoulders. His warm lips were on me then, tender kisses brushing along my jaw and my chin, flitting over my lips and tracing my cheekbones. Finally, he placed a searing kiss on my lips, and I returned it eagerly, feeling an all-consuming desire – a need – for this man.

My breathing sped as he broke our kiss, and I felt torn – wanting both to watch that awed expression in his eyes and pull him back to taste his lips on mine again. His forehead was resting against mine as our panting breaths mingled between us, adding to the heat coursing through my body.

He pulled his head back just slightly, his dark emerald eyes intent on mine as he began thrusting his hips rhythmically. He moved so excruciatingly slowly at first, but when I gave a quiet moan in response as my brow furrowed, he smiled, ducking his head to kiss me once more. He lifted his head, his voice barely audible as he whispered, "Does that feel good?"

I couldn't even speak, biting my bottom lip and nodding my head in response. My eyes closed once more, my head turning to the side as I lifted my hips to meet his. I was sure I had never felt like this before – never felt the way my pulse was pounding between my legs, every brush of his hips sending a heated rush of pleasure that spread through my veins, making my entire body more sensitive.

I felt his lips on my ear, his teeth nibbling on the lobe as he began to move faster, and I turned my face back to his, swallowing as I felt a sudden urge to see him. The lump in my throat and the tears welling in my eyes had nothing to do with sadness – on the contrary, I couldn't remember a time I'd felt more elated.

Never since James had I been in a position like this one – not even close.

And never in my life had I felt so empowered and so vulnerable all at once.

Edward looked into my eyes, and I saw him swallow hard as his hips stilled. He opened his mouth to speak, but I shook my head, kissing him gently as I cleared my throat. "I'm fine," I said quietly, "Perfect, actually…I just…" My hands moved away from his shoulders, drifting down his back to his hips. I lifted my hips slightly, nodding when he carefully moved once more. "I just…I love you so damn much, and I can't find the words I need-" My voice broke off as I swallowed, shaking my head again as I smiled at him apologetically.

He kissed me, his lips lingering against mine as he whispered, "I know, love…I know…I don't have the words for what you mean to me either."

My shoulders shook as I tried to control my breathing, wrapping one arm around his shoulders and holding him close for a moment. I kissed him everywhere I could reach – tasting the salt of his skin as my lips brushed his neck. I smiled when I realized he was doing the same, his fingers caressing my cheek as he kissed my neck. I calmed almost immediately, relaxing in the knowledge that everything was right in my world.

His lips made their way to mine, and we kissed slowly, tenderly, before he lifted his head. We watched each other, our eyes exploring the other's face as our bodies moved in sync. The burning desperation had calmed, replaced by a steady passion as we shared small smiles and soft kisses.

Eventually, our bodies stilled, our kisses growing chaste as we expressed our love for each other. The words were not uttered again that night as we let our gestures speak for themselves.

Edward's eyes were dark, the circles beneath them a deep purple that made me worry as I traced them with my fingertip, realizing that he had to drive over four hours before this night was over. When I suggested an actual nap, he didn't protest, smiling at me sweetly as he kissed my nose. Glancing at the clock, I realized we had just over two hours before he needed to get ready to leave, and I wanted him to get the best sleep possible.

I shyly suggested that he take his jeans off so he would be more comfortable, and he shook his head, saying he'd be fine. "Don't be silly," I said, biting my bottom lip as I unbuttoned my jeans. His eyes widened when I began lowering the zipper. "I'm going to be comfortable…so you might as well be, too."

He glanced away, not looking at me as he unbuttoned his pants and let them drop to the floor. After setting the alarm on his phone, he crawled into bed beside me and turned off the lamp, and we were a tangle of limbs beneath the covers, already heated from the time we'd spent lying on top of them. We were facing each other, and he wrapped me up in his arms, my cheek pressing against his chest as the evidence of his desire was still brushing against my abdomen. I really felt for him, wishing that we were at a point where I could help him, but his hands gently stroking my hair helped drive those thoughts away, leaving me with only contentment as I drifted off to sleep in his arms.

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A/N: The version of "The Long and Winding Road" that Edward plays is available from a link on the right. I'm kind of obsessed.

JOotG Chapter 26 - Please Please Please

2010-04-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

EPOV

I carefully placed Bella's suitcase in the trunk of my car, moving it down beside mine so they wouldn't be jostled during our trip. I reached up to close the trunk when Emmett suddenly shouldered me out of the way, unceremoniously dropped his backpack on top, and slammed the lid.

"You ready to go, fucker?" He grinned at me.

"What the hell are you doing? Why don't you just put that in Rosalie's car?"

"Because," he said, as if that answered everything. When I just stared at him in confusion, he winked at me and stepped closer, running his fingers up my arm. "We have a hot date with Jasper."

I took a step back, laughing as I punched him in the shoulder. "What are you talking about?"

He shrugged. "Rosalie's idea. She decided the girls were all riding together, so that leaves you, me, Jasper, and a hot date in your sexy Volvo." He snickered.

I rolled my eyes and then glanced across the lot at Rosalie. She was slamming the trunk of her car and didn't see me frowning at her. "But why? We don't have a lot of time left before Alice and I have to go to Chicago…" I heard the whine in my voice, and this time the eye roll was mental as even I recognized how ridiculous I was being.

Emmett snorted at me and shrugged. "Fuck if I know. You're welcome to go fight it out with Rosie if you want." The gleam in his eyes was not reassuring.

Jasper ambled up then, a smirk on his face as he caught the tail-end of the conversation. "Yeah, I wouldn't try it."

"Why not?" Something about the way the two of them were talking had my back up, and I realized I was standing straighter in a stupid attempt to show I wasn't afraid of Rosalie. I relaxed, my shoulders lowering slightly.

"Because Rosalie always gets her fucking way," Jasper said nonchalantly. "She's been bossing me around since we were in the womb. She's a pain in the ass to deal with, so I only bother when it's something that matters."

The front door opened, and Bella emerged. She was freshly showered, her cheeks a light pink as she stepped out into the sunlight. She locked the door, pocketed her key, and immediately turned toward my car, but before she could walk over to me, Rosalie grabbed her by the elbow and started dragging her away. The look of disappointment and annoyance on her face was enough to make me smile.

When she stumbled over her own feet, I muttered to myself, but Rosalie clearly knew Bella well and just helped guide her to the car. She turned around, pouting at me from across the lot, and I grinned at her as I waved before opening my door and getting in.

Bella fucking loves me.

Still made no sense, but everything she did made it so obvious.

I was smiling and humming to myself as I sat behind the wheel, waiting for the other two to get in the car. The doors opened, and Jasper sat beside me in the passenger seat while Emmett was in the back. It didn't take two seconds, though, before Emmett was complaining like the whiny bitch he is that he didn't have enough room. He and Jasper argued for a minute about who was taller before Emmett said it didn't matter because he was bigger.

I just tried to tune them out. I rested my forehead against the steering wheel, waiting for the two of them to switch places and get settled in.

This is going to be a long fucking drive.

And Emmett and Rosalie are going to have a hell of a time together. Neither one of them can stand to not get their way.

The last thought brought a smirk to my lips, and I lifted my head as I finally heard both doors close. Their seat belts were clicking into place when I checked my mirrors and saw that Rosalie was waiting behind me. I backed out and set off down the street, fiddling with the stereo to find something – anything – good and not really paying any attention to the conversation around me.

I gave up, plugging in my iPod and putting it on shuffle just as I heard Emmett muse, "I wonder why Rosie wanted to ride with the girls."

Jasper snorted. I glanced at him in the rear-view mirror, and he said, "Jesus, you two really are new at this, aren't you?" He shrugged. "Girls just do that shit. They have to bond." He made a face and chuckled as he relaxed against the seat back.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Emmett frown, his brow furrowing in concentration. "What the hell are they talking about then?"

"Us." Jasper and I both answered at the same time, and I smiled as I glanced back at the car in my rear-view mirror. Bella was sitting in the backseat, leaning forward, and I could see her head between the two front seats. I couldn't see her expression because of the glint of sunlight off the windshield, but she seemed to be talking animatedly, using her hands.

It was quiet in the car again until Emmett demanded, "Well, what the hell are they saying?"

Jasper chuckled. "Dude, I don't know. I don't think Rose really thought about that part. If Alice says anything about umm…well, things with me, Bella and Rose will both freak out."

I frowned, and my voice was quiet when I spoke. "There better not be much to tell."

He gave me a knowing grin in the mirror, and I shook my head with a rueful smile.

Bet he thinks that shit about me and Bella, too.

Emmett decided, "I bet they're talking about me."

I laughed. "What makes you think that?"

"Well," he began, "I'm not anyone's brother. So I'm the safest subject." The shit-eating grin on his face told me he was more than happy with this revelation.

"You say one word about my sister…" Jasper let his voice trail off, leaving the threat hanging in the air.

Silence descended on the car again, the only sounds those of the Doors playing quietly from my stereo. Yet again, Emmett was the one to break it. "I bet she's telling them about-"

Jasper held up one finger. "One goddamn word."

Emmett continued smoothly, "…about what a gentleman I am."

I snorted and then laughed outright before Emmett reached over and smacked the back of my head, making me pitch forward as he said, "Hey, fuck you! I am!"

When I just kept laughing, shaking my head, he said, "I can't help it if the woman I've been looking for came along a lot sooner than yours. You're just jealous." His voice was both petulant and taunting.

Thinking about Bella, though – the woman I had spent so long searching for – just brought a content smile to my lips as I answered. "Nah…I'm just glad I finally did meet her…"

You know you sound completely whipped, right?

Yup. And I don't fucking care.

I heard a mental sigh.

"What are you talking about?" Jasper's voice from the backseat was quiet and confused.

I glanced into the mirror, catching his eye as I said, "It's ahh…it's been awhile since I…dated anyone."

Emmett said, "Awhile," and snorted, shaking his head. "More like you've been living like a damn monk for the past two years."

I chuckled, shrugging and thinking to myself, Except I don't think a monk's religion is supposed to include self-worship several times a day.

"Except I don't think monks jack off so much that their dicks are calloused." Emmett's words were an eerie echo of my thoughts that made my eyes widen.

"For fuck's sake, Emmett!" My voice was louder than I anticipated. "You have no filter at all. And how the fuck would you know anything about that anyway?"

"I watched a Discovery channel special on monks," he said matter-of-factly. "Not once did they mention any sort of religious ceremony involving masturbation."

Jasper burst out laughing as I said, "You know that's not what I meant, dickhead." There was no sense in trying to talk to Emmett when he was in this sort of mood – and honestly, there was no use denying it anyway. Too goddamn true. Except… "And my fucking dick's not calloused, asswipe." I punched him on the shoulder as hard as I could, right on the join of the bones, and he crumpled, rubbing his shoulder with his hand as he cursed at me.

When I looked at Jasper in the mirror, he had tears at the corners of his eyes, and his face was red. He was wearing a wide grin that he was trying to control, but he kept snickering, and I caught the word "calloused" a few times. I just gave a laugh of my own and shook my head.

Fucking Emmett.

He loved the reaction his comment got from Jasper, so he just kept going, having fun at my expense for awhile longer. I stopped responding, knowing that was the best way to shut him down, and just lost myself in the music as I turned the rest of my attention to the road.

After awhile, Jasper's amused voice cut through my thoughts. "You and Bella must have quite the fucking concert when you're together."

"Hmm?" I asked, my brow furrowing as I glanced at him in the mirror.

He smirked in response. "You both just sing all the damn time…do you harmonize?" He grinned at me, raising an eyebrow.

Huh. I hadn't even realized I had been singing. "Oh, sorry about that. Yeah, I guess we do sing together a lot. I hadn't really noticed…but no, we haven't started harmonizing." I smirked. "Yet."

Emmett interrupted, asking, "What the hell is this whiny bullshit anyway?"

I listened for a minute, catching Morrissey's voice as he sang, "Good times for a change…see, the luck I've had can make a good man turn bad…"

And then what Emmett said struck me.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I was incredulous. "You don't know the Smiths?"

He just stared at me blankly.

Jasper's voice was disbelieving when he said, "You've never heard of the Smiths?" Emmett shook his head. "You've never heard this song?"

Emmett said, "Nope."

Jasper's eyes looked like they were about to bug out of his head, and he leaned forward, pulling himself up by Emmett's seat as he launched into a heated lecture about the Smiths and their influence. Emmett looked mildly amused, and he kept glancing at me. I just smiled, keeping my eyes on the road.

At least Jasper has good taste in music.

The car grew too quiet, and when I looked over, Emmett had headphones on. The wrinkles in his forehead were deep as he frowned in concentration, listening carefully. "What's he listening to?" I asked.

Jasper smirked. "The Cranberries."

Then Emmett's expression changed, and he said loudly, "I know this one!" He pulled one of the ear pieces away and sang in a trembling, breathless voice that sounded nearly like a sob, "You're so fucking special. I wish I was special, but I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo." He snickered and tossed the iPod and headphones back to Jasper. "This must be your 'I got sand in my vagina' playlist. How the hell do you guys listen to that shit?"

Jasper just rolled his eyes with a sigh, muttering, "God, you sound just like Rosie."

Emmett's eyes lit up as he grinned. I caught Jasper's eye in the rear-view mirror and shook my head minutely, Don't get him started. Jasper inclined his head with a grin and settled back in his seat as I said, "Here, Em." I flipped through my iPod until the song I was looking for played.

"Hell. Fuck. Yes," said Emmett. As soon as B-Real's voice came over the speakers, Emmett was 'singing' at the top of his lungs, "Comin' outta tha slums; it's da hoodlums. I'm pullin' my gat out on all you bums." He was dancing – if you could call it that – imitating Sen Dog with his arm flailing while Jasper watched in amusement.

"Shit…between Rose's obsession with goddamn '80s hair bands and his umm…skills…they ought to make an interesting pair."

I chuckled and nodded, singing along with Emmett under my breath. "This is part of the playlist I run to." I shrugged. "I love this shit, too."

From there, Jasper and I talked about music – he seemed to have a wide variety of favorites as well – while Emmett serenaded us as only he could. Eventually, he wore himself out and turned the music down, looking at us both with a serious expression. I had an amused smile on my face when I took in the fact that Emmett had been singing and dancing with so much enthusiasm that he'd actually worked up a sweat.

That smile faded as soon as he said, "So. Jake."

Those two words were all it took to completely shift the mood in the car. No one said anything for a minute before finally Jasper sighed. "I can't believe he fucking said that."

"Which part?" Em asked.

We both looked over at him, and I asked if Bella had filled him in on what happened. He shook his head and said, "She didn't have to, dude. They were goddamn yelling at each other. It was insane. The first thing I heard was-"

"Wait," Jasper interrupted. "He was yelling at her?" Incredibly, I heard that possessive edge back in his voice, and I frowned at him in the mirror. His attention was focused on Emmett, though, and he didn't notice.

"Yeah, man. I didn't know what it was at first, but they just kept getting louder, and then I heard him ask her if any of it was real, or if it was just an excuse to keep guys away, and-"

This time, I interrupted him. "He. Said. What?" My jaw was clenched, so the words came out as a hiss.

Jasper's voice tumbled over mine, "Are you fucking serious?" His eyes were wide with disbelief, his tone angry.

"Yes. Fuckers. Obviously Bella must've left some stuff out. Now do you want to hear this shit or not?"

We both said we did and settled back, listening as Emmett described in detail what he'd heard. At first, I was frustrated, realizing how much Bella had skipped over when we talked. But when Emmett described how Bella had tried to interrupt Jake and how he kept just talking right over her, my rage for Jake took over, and my knuckles were soon white as I gripped the steering wheel.

"And then she told him he better not try to make her feel guilty because she's been miserable for seven years, and she sounded like she was breaking down, so that's when I went in." With barely a pause, Emmett finished recounting what took place between Bella and Jake and then said, "So where does this asshole live? It's near Forks, right?"

"Yeah, about half an hour or so…" Jasper seemed distracted, frowning as he stared ahead.

"Alright," Emmett said, "so let's go talk to him after the girls go to sleep tonight." There was no hesitation in his voice, and I was nodding along, my rage burning a hole in my chest.

How dare that asshole imply she made it up?

I'd known Bella for only a few weeks…and he'd known her nearly her whole life. If I could see the truth of how the attack affected her, surely he had to.

And why the fuck did Bella keep that from me?

Had she been afraid I'd find him and kick his ass?

Goddamn right I will.

Bile rose in my throat as I thought about her protecting him when he'd been so cold to her. I was vaguely aware of Jasper ranting over the buzzing in my ears, and I could see Emmett nodding his agreement from the corner of my eye. I swallowed and cleared my throat, and the sounds around me became a little clearer. I listened to the heated voices and the stereo singing, "Didn't have to blast him but I did anyway. That young punk had to pay."

"Just tell me where he lives. We'll take care of this right fucking now." I spoke before I realized it, my voice low and menacing even to my ears as I apparently took the song as a sign.

"Hell yes," agreed Emmett.

I expected immediate agreement from Jasper as well, but when I was met with silence, I glanced at him in the rear-view mirror and saw his lips pursed thoughtfully. "You know…" he began. "There's something really fucking wrong with this situation. I'm the last one that should have to say this, but we can't just go beat the hell out of him."

My eyes flew open wide. "What the fuck do you mean you're the last one?" I'd passed the point of reason, and Jasper's implication that somehow he cared more about Bella just made me snap.

"What do I mean?" Jasper yelled right back at me. His face was red, and he opened his mouth to continue his tirade when he was interrupted.

"Oh, for fuck's sake." Emmett scrubbed both hands across his face. "Give it a rest, will you? Tell you what. Both of you, just go ahead and unzip your pants."

Strangely, my anger began to dissipate as I exchanged a confused look in the mirror with Jasper, whose mouth snapped shut as his brow furrowed. "What the hell…?" he asked.

"Well, I thought you two already settled all this who-loves-Bella-more bullshit, so this has got to be about something else. Obviously mine's the biggest, but take your pants off, and I'll tell you which one of you has a bigger dick."

Silence hung heavy in the car other than the steady beat from the stereo until I finally snorted and shook my head.

Hate it when that asshole is right.

"You are one sick fuck. You know that, right?"

At Jasper's question, Emmett just glanced over his shoulder and grinned, shrugging. "Maybe. But now that I have your attention…" He rolled his eyes and then looked back out at the road, cracking his knuckles. "Why, exactly, can't we go pay Jake a visit?"

"Well, as tempting as it is…and believe me, it's extremely fucking tempting, I think we should probably talk to Bella first. I want to know why she didn't tell us what he said, but I can think of a few possibilities, and I don't like any of them." I saw him frown before he continued. "Second, it doesn't matter who cares about Bella more-" He hit the back of my seat and flashed me a small, apologetic smirk in the mirror. "If we're both in jail for assault when she needs someone to talk to."

"And finally…" His voice had taken on an odd, teasing tone. "I really don't think you want the first time you meet Charlie to be when he arrests you for beating the shit out of his best friend's kid."

Charlie. Shit.

I swallowed and turned my eyes back to the road. Somehow in all the excitement and stress of the last few days, it had never really occurred to me that I was on my way to meet Bella's father. It had been an extremely long time since I'd had to meet the parents, and I suddenly felt apprehensive. I flexed my fingers on the steering wheel, trying my best to hide my nerves.

Jasper snickered and clapped me on the shoulder, saying, "Don't worry, man. Charlie trusts my judgment when it comes to Bella." When I glanced at the rear-view mirror to check the road behind me, he caught my gaze, and I saw the mischievous grin on his lips. "It's my mom you have to worry about. Both of you." His smile widened when Emmett turned around to frown at him.

The rest of the trip seemed to pass all too quickly now that I was reminded of what waited for me at the other end. Bella always spoke in glowing terms about Jasper's mother, and even though she hadn't said as much, I knew it was extremely important to her that Mrs. Hale approve of me.

Shit.

I didn't think there was any reason she wouldn't, necessarily, but that didn't stop me from tapping my thumbs nervously on the steering wheel as I drove and listened to Jasper and Emmett talk about nothing of importance.

Before I was ready, we were pulling into the Hales' long driveway and parking. Their house was set about a quarter of a mile off a small road, and the surrounding woods ensured that a quiet atmosphere blanketed the area. The house was fairly typical for small town Washington, but there were subtle touches that made it seem as though it had been transplanted from somewhere in the South. There was a wraparound covered porch complete with white wooden rockers, but I couldn't see much more in the dim light of the moon after I turned off my headlights.

We all three got out, groaning and stretching after being cramped in the car for a few hours. I expected to see Bella and the other girls coming to meet us, but they were still in Rosalie's car. She'd turned the headlights off, and we could just see their silhouettes in the light from the dashboard and the moon.

I chuckled as I leaned back against my trunk, crossing my arms over my chest. Jasper and Emmett came to stand beside me, and when I glanced at them, I saw stupid, happy smiles on their faces as they watched the girls. I followed their gaze to see that the three of them were dancing in their seats, hair and arms flying. Rosalie looked to be playing air guitar, and I listened to see if I could tell what song they were singing.

"'Talk Dirty to Me'?" Emmett asked.

"Yup," said Jasper with a laugh.

Emmett muttered, "And I so will…" under his breath. Jasper reached out automatically and hit him, but they both still had those silly grins. I realized the same one was on my face and rolled my eyes.

These girls fucking own us.

And I was strangely okay with that.

Finally, Rosalie turned the engine off, and the girls came falling out. They were giggling and silly, and the expression of genuine happiness Bella was wearing was utterly beautiful. I couldn't wait to hold her, so I pushed away from the car and started walking toward her.

Just before I got to her, though, the front door opened and light flooded the driveway, making me blink and squint. I turned to look and caught my first sight of what could only be Jasper and Rosalie's parents.

I didn't get a good look at them as I glanced over my shoulder, but it was enough to let me see that Mr. Hale looked eerily like Jasper with shorter, neater hair. He had his hand on his wife's lower back, and they just looked very…comfortable together. Mrs. Hale had a quieter version of Rosalie's beauty, softened by age and a kind smile. I knew I should probably go onto the porch and introduce myself, but my feet carried me straight to Bella.

When I reached her, she smiled up at me, and I pulled her into my arms, kissing her gently. I did at least have the presence of mind to keep our kiss light and pull back after a few seconds. All I wanted to do was scoop her up, find a quiet place where we could be alone, and spend the next few hours kissing her and touching her and feeling her against me.

And to think that, just yesterday, I'd taken her home early.

You really are a fucking moron.

Yup, I was.

When we parted, I looked down at Bella, who was smiling brightly up at me. "Ready to go meet Mama and Papa Hale?"

With a weird flutter of nerves in my gut, I nodded and took her hand. She hung back until the other four had all gone up the stairs before she tugged on my hand, and we started walking slowly. I watched as both Emmett and Alice met the Hales – Emmett, of course, was boisterous and loud, wrapping up Mrs. Hale in a hug before he shook Mr. Hale's hand and clapped him on the shoulder. Alice looked tiny as she hugged both of Jasper's parents, and she was talking so quickly that I had trouble catching anything.

Bella timed it so the others were disappearing inside before we walked up the steps together. Her hand was gripping mine tightly, making me realize that she was nervous as well.

Shit.

My mouth suddenly felt as if it was filled with cotton, and I was aware that my palms were clammy. Perfect.

But she was all smiles as she stepped onto the porch before me, dropping my hand to wrap her arms around Mrs. Hale's waist. She rested her head on the older woman's shoulder, and their heads were nestled together in a way that reminded me intensely of a mother holding a young child. Nearly as quickly as the thought entered my mind, though, they parted, and Bella stepped to Mr. Hale, lifting on her toes to kiss his cheek as they hugged. He kissed her forehead before he left her go, both of them smiling quietly as he said, "Welcome home, Bella-boo."

Bella returned to my side and with a proud smile said, "Mama and Papa Hale, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Edward…"

As always, hearing her call me her boyfriend put that goofy grin on my face, so as I stretched out my hand to shake Mr. Hale's, I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot – a happy idiot, though. He shook my hand with a smile, and then I turned to Mrs. Hale…and was completely enveloped in a tight hug. She patted my back and said softly, "Welcome to our home, Edward. I can't tell you how happy we are to meet you."

I could feel my cheeks heat as I pulled away and said, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Hale," wondering all the while why I was turning into a total tool. I had never felt so…awkward…meeting anyone.

Mrs. Hale smiled kindly and waved her hand. "Oh please, dear. Mrs. Hale was my mother-in-law, God rest her soul. Call me Mama Hale…Caroline, if you must."

I glanced down at the floorboards and then back up at her, a smile forming on my lips as I suddenly felt more comfortable and at ease. "Thank you for inviting me, Caroline." Her name felt familiar for some reason.

With a flutter of her hands and an exclamation about getting us in out of the cold, Caroline ushered us inside and to a sitting room, where the other four were already lounging. Bella and I settled onto a love seat together while the elder Hales told us to make ourselves at home and that they would be right back with coffee and dessert.

Caroline looked at Bella and said, "I have some hot chocolate for you, dear," with a smile that seemed to warm the room. "Would anyone else prefer hot chocolate instead?"

We all assured her that we were fine with coffee. As she turned to leave, Jasper picked up the remote control for the TV, and his mother plucked it out of his hand, putting it back on the coffee table. "You have guests, Jasper," she scolded. "Where are your manners? Why don't you go bring in the luggage while they rest?"

Emmett's wide grin was mischievous, but he had the good sense to wait until Caroline and Mr. Hale – only then did I realize that I had no clue what his first name was - were out of earshot before he said, "I could get used to this…" and put his feet up on the coffee table in front of him.

Rosalie elbowed him in the ribs and said, "Just for that, you can go help him."

I was surprised when Emmett laughed and said, "I was planning to." He kissed Rosalie's cheek and stood, clapping Jasper hard on the back.

As they were making their way out of the room, I started to stand, but Bella pulled on my arm and murmured, "Stay? Please?"

I glanced at her curiously, but she just shrugged and gave me a small smile, biting her bottom lip. I relaxed against her again, putting my arm around her shoulders, and she drew her legs up beside her, leaning into me. We sat in silence as Rosalie and Alice talked about their favorite Thanksgiving dishes, just idle chatter. I smiled at how comfortable the two of them were together, glad that Alice had two great friends in Rosalie and Bella.

When I kissed the top of Bella's head, she lifted it and kissed my ear before whispering, "Sorry. I don't mean to be so…clingy. I just…I've never had anyone here with me when Jasper and Rose did. I…I know it's stupid, but I really didn't want to be alone again…"

I had to swallow against the lump in my throat as I thought about her sitting in this room, all alone, while everyone around her was paired up. I squeezed her shoulders, running my fingertips up and down her arm. It took a moment before I was able to whisper back, "I'm not going anywhere, Bella. I promise."

Alice and Rosalie tried to draw her into conversation, but she gave short answers and seemed distracted. I hated that she was feeling down at all, especially when there was nothing we could do to change the past – and I meant it when I said I wasn't going anywhere. So instead, I tried to take her mind off it. I leaned down, murmuring the first question that came to mind, "Hey…what's Jasper's dad's name?"

To my surprise, Bella snorted out loud. Rosalie and Alice both glanced over at us, and Bella coughed, trying to hide it. The other girls clearly didn't believe her, but they both grinned and returned to their conversation, studiously ignoring us.

Bella pulled on my shirt, and I ducked down close to her again, feeling her warm breath tickling my ear as she whispered, "Chet. Short for Chester. Jasper used to get really fucking pissed off and say that with a name like that, you'd think his dad would have known better than to name him something as weird as Jasper."

I chuckled with her, and her melancholy mood seemed to have lifted. The four of us talked as Jasper and Emmett made a few trips in from the car. Emmett flipped me off as he passed by the open doorway dragging my suitcase, making me smirk in response.

The guys met Caroline and Chet as they were all coming into the room. Emmett reached out, saying, "Here, let me take that," as he took the tray of dessert plates from Caroline. Chet smiled quietly while Caroline raved about what a sweet boy Emmett was, and he beamed like a five-year-old.

Oh yeah. He's going to be hearing about that shit.

Cheesecake and coffee were passed around, as was Bella's mug of hot chocolate piled high with mini marshmallows. She grinned at Caroline and thanked her before she plucked one of the marshmallows out and popped it in her mouth. It was already dissolving into the chocolate, getting the tip of her finger sticky, and when she slipped it between her lips to lick it off, I turned my eyes away. I was frustrated with the knowledge that – unless there was some cosmic aligning of the planets – we weren't going to have so much as a minute alone again until I got back from Chicago.

Never had I been so reluctant to go home.

We all chatted comfortably, with Caroline leading the conversation to include all of us. She reminded me of my mom in a lot of ways – consummate hostess who knew how to draw people out and get them talking. Everything was kept on the surface, though, and from the glances I saw her shooting our way occasionally, I thought there might be a deeper conversation coming before this trip was over. But there was always a smile on her lips and in her eyes when she looked at Bella relaxing under my arm, so I wasn't too afraid.

Not really.

Alright, so I was nervous as hell, but there wasn't much to be done about it. Instead, I just complimented her on the cheesecake – which really was fucking awesome – and answered her questions about med school and my parents. When she found out I played the piano, her smile brightened, and she said, "Oh! You'll have to play for us before you go…we bought one when Jasper and Rosalie were young, but they both decided their lessons were too hard." She shot a pointed look at her children before turning back to me. "It's so nice to see a young man stick with such a difficult instrument!"

I realized I was sitting straighter and had that same fucking beaming smile on my face that Emmett had been wearing.

So much for giving him a hard time.

My cheeks heated, but I didn't change my expression as I thanked Caroline. I said, "I'm really out of practice, though. I don't have a piano in Seattle, so the only time I get to play anymore is at my parents' when we visit them."

Caroline waved her hand dismissively, telling me she was sure I would be brilliant, and that it would be wonderful to have live music in the house after Thanksgiving dinner. I shifted in my seat, trying to control my smile, but it wasn't happening. Instead, I just avoided looking at Emmett until I realized he was doing the same thing with me thanks to the compliments she had paid him.

As we talked, Bella settled against me and grew still. Her mug of hot chocolate sat on a coaster, half-full, and I smiled when I realized she'd eaten all the marshmallows but barely touched the drink. Her breathing was slow and regular, so I glanced down to find that she'd fallen asleep against me. Her lips were slightly parted, her hair falling across her face. I brushed it away and kissed her forehead, instinctively lowering my voice so I wouldn't wake her.

After about another half hour of conversation, Bella was completely out, and her head started slipping from my shoulder to my chest. I turned sideways a bit, gathering her closer to me, as I said quietly, "I think it's probably time for Bella to go to bed. Where's she sleeping?"

Caroline looked at me shrewdly for a moment, making me somehow feel like I was four years old and had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. Finally, she smiled again and said, "Jasper will show you, dear." She stood, gathering plates from around the room and putting them on the tray. Alice hopped up to help her, leaving Rosalie and Emmett carrying on a lively conversation with Mr. Hale – I was having a hard time thinking of him as Chet - about what type of car Rose and her father should rebuild next. It was apparently a hobby they enjoyed together, but they were between cars at the moment.

I moved toward the edge of the couch, shifting Bella carefully so as not to wake her too much. I brushed back her hair, whispering, "Bella? Come on, love…let's get you to bed." She half-moaned, half-mumbled, and frowned at me without opening her eyes. With a sigh, I stood, pulling her with me as I wrapped my arm tightly around her waist. We walked awkwardly, Bella's feet dragging the ground as she stumbled forward and I tried my best to guide her.

Jasper led the way, chuckling, while I glared at his back. When Bella stumbled – again – and nearly pulled me down with her, I bent down and picked her up, cradling her against my chest. She slipped her arm around my waist, and I felt her hand tighten on the fabric of my shirt as she nuzzled her face into my neck.

We past several closed doors, and he stopped at the last one on the left. He turned, arching an eyebrow when he saw me holding Bella; then he opened the door, reached in to flip on the light, and looked back at me. His expression seemed torn for a moment as he glanced between the empty bedroom and the two of us a few times. Finally, he sighed and lowered his voice, his eyes shifting from left to right like an informant in an old film noir. He looked at me pointedly as he said, "Alright, I'll wait out here while you help her get into bed."

My eyes widened, but I quickly nodded. I started through the door, but he stopped me with a hand on my arm as he threatened, "But I swear to God if you tell my mom I did this…"

I was chuckling quietly when I heard the door click shut behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see that he actually had closed us in alone and smiled to myself. Walking over to the bed, I sat Bella down carefully, and she immediately just rolled onto her side and pulled her feet up, shoes and all. She was still in her jeans – there was no way she would be comfortable that way. I sighed.

Her suitcase was just off to the side, so I opened it, cursing the zipper that seemed unnaturally loud. Sitting right on top were Bella's pajamas - a pair of plaid pants and my t-shirt. With a grin, I tossed them both onto the bed and left the accursed zipper undone as I moved the suitcase out of Bella's path to the bathroom so she wouldn't trip in the middle of the night.

Back at the bed, I frowned as I tried to figure out the best way to get Bella dressed. I untied her shoes and pulled them off, putting them under the edge of the bed. When I slipped off her socks, she gave a sleepy little giggle and tried to pull her feet away. With a small sigh, she rolled partially onto her stomach, one leg thrown out across the mattress.

Frowning, I leaned down, gently shaking her shoulder. "Bella? Come on, sweetheart, wake up…" She frowned in response, furrowing her brow. "Don't you want to change?"

She mumbled something I couldn't understand, nodding.

"Then you have to wake up...I put your pajamas on the bed." No response. "Bella?"

She gave an exasperated grunt and flipped onto her back, her hands going to the button of her jeans. My eyes widened, and I was frozen in place as I watched her pull hard, unbuttoning them in frustration before she yanked the zipper down. The whole time, her eyes were closed, and she was pouting, her lower lip jutting out.

Holy fuck.

I quickly looked away, listening to the sound of fabric rustling as I saw movement on the bed out of the corner of my eye. She probably thinks I'm "just" Jasper. I grimaced, running my fingers through my hair as I tried not to listen – or watch.

Bella's noises were becoming more irritated, and I could tell she was having trouble, so I glanced back over, trying to keep my eyes on just her face. She was frowning, her legs drawn up as she tried to pull her jeans down her calves.

Pink cotton.

Great. Despite my best attempts to be a gentleman, my mind automatically catalogued Bella's underwear as I gave a sigh and stepped over to help her. I focused on the quilt as I pulled her jeans off and let them fall to the floor. Her legs dropped back onto the mattress…right into my field of vision, and I couldn't seem to look away. I knew I had already seen this much of her in those shorts the other night, but images of that night didn't help either. I felt myself begin to harden as my brain seemed stuck on repeat.

Pink cotton panties. Pink cotton panties. Pink cotton panties.

You're disgusting.

I tried to make myself believe that, but I seemed to lack conviction with Bella half-dressed and lying on a bed in front of me. That thought, however, was enough to bring some sense back into my brain, and I picked up her pajama pants, putting her feet through before I pulled them up. She lifted her hips, reaching down to tug them up the rest of the way, and I was both relieved and really fucking sad to see that innocent-looking pair of underwear disappear.

I looked down at my t-shirt still lying on the bed and realized there was no way I wanted to go through that particular ordeal. I put it on top of her suitcase and walked over to the bed again, lifting her slightly so I could pull the covers back. I finally got her into bed and tucked under the covers. She always slept with them pulled all the way up and gathered under her chin, and it made me smile to see her settle in that way again.

Leaning down, I brushed her hair back again and kissed her forehead, whispering softly, "Good night, love." As I was straightening, I saw her smile, and she mumbled something I didn't quite catch. "What was that, sweetheart?"

Her eyes still closed, she breathed out her reply. "Love…ward…"

I felt a small jolt as I realized she did know it was me. My voice was embarrassingly breathless when I whispered back, "I love you too, Bella." I pressed a gentle kiss against her lips, smiling when she returned it. I stood up straight, watching her sleep for a moment before I turned to leave.

I heard the sounds of her shifting on the bed and figured she was just settling in. I made it to the door and reached to turn out the light, taking one last look at her over my shoulder. I was just in time to see her toss something out from under the quilt, making a soft thump as it landed on the floor.

Light blue lace bra.

Fuck. Me.

Again, my mind registered Bella's underwear before I could even look away. The fact that they weren't matching was somehow even more arousing, and I couldn't seem to force my mind away from trying to generate an image of what Bella must look like in those – in only those.

I flipped off the light, stepping out of the room into the dim hallway to find Jasper there waiting for me. He smirked at me as I closed the door, and all I could do was hope he couldn't recognize my problem through the layers of clothing I was wearing.

He gave me a knowing look, raising an eyebrow, but all he said was, "Here, this is your room." I followed him back down the hallway a bit to a door on the opposite side. I didn't ask how he knew I just wanted to go to bed. I simply stepped inside, grateful to be alone, and told him good night before I closed the door. I spotted Emmett's backpack and my suitcase on the floor and groaned. They were sitting right by the bed. The one full-sized bed I'd apparently be sharing with that douche.

Meh.

Maybe it'll be better since he hasn't been drinking?

We can only hope…

We'd had to share a bed before, and it was never a fun experience. Most of the time, it had been in some hotel room on a trip after a drunken night of partying when neither of us had found anyone we were interested in. I'd learned the hard way that a drunken, sleepy Emmett was an affectionate, cuddly Emmett, and I'd woken up with his arm thrown over me and his face between my shoulder blades more times than I cared to remember.

With a sigh, I unzipped my suitcase and pulled out everything I needed. I went into the attached bathroom, brushing my teeth before I changed into my pajamas. Whether or not Jasper had noticed it, my reaction to Bella was really fucking obvious to me, but the last thing I felt like doing was getting more worked up at the moment. I just wanted to sleep.

I tossed my toothbrush and toothpaste back into my toiletries bag and went into the bedroom, dropping the bag and my clothes back in my suitcase. Flipping the light off, I crossed the room again and took the same side of the bed as I did when I slept at Bella's. I tried to will my erection away, but the same images kept flashing through my mind. Bella's legs drawn up while the edge of those pink cotton panties slid up to expose part of her ass. Bella's bare thighs as she pushed her jeans down. A light blue lace bra hitting the floor. Bella's sweet smile as she whispered that she loved me.

I groaned, raking my fingers through my hair as I stared up at the ceiling I couldn't see. I was determined I was not going to jerk off, especially not in the bed I was, unfortunately, going to be sharing with Emmett. That jackass would know the minute he walked in - I always teased him about his uncanny ability to smell that shit. I could take a shower, but I was too fucking tired, and I was now determined to go to sleep without…relieving the tension anyway.

Completely sure that I would never fall asleep, I just lay there, idly running my fingers through my hair with my eyes open, seeing nothing but the darkness of the bedroom as I tried not to think about what I'd just seen. Instead, I thought about the next day, about meeting Charlie and spending the day with Bella's extended family…and leaving Bella. I grew melancholy, my thoughts naturally drifting in a different direction as I apparently worked to thoroughly depress myself.

I must've dozed off that way because the next thing I knew, the bed shook, and Emmett's gruff voice said, "Scoot over, fucker!" as he shoved me. I rolled onto my side, kicking back at him and catching his shin. I think I chuckled at his muffled curses before I drifted off to sleep again.

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A/N: Oh, the title to this chapter is from a song by the Smiths called "Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want," which is also the song that prompts Jasper's lecture on music. Other songs mentioned in this chapter are "Creep" by Radiohead and "I Ain't Goin' Out Like That" and "How I Could Just Kill a Man," both by Cypress Hill.

JOotG Chapter 25 - Shout at the Devil

2010-04-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

A/N: I own nothing you might recognize, but I do have a damn nice laptop and some of the best readers in the world. Thank you so much for your support, and I really hope you enjoy this, the last chapter before Thanksgiving Day arrives for Bella and company.

More A/N at the bottom :)

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BPOV

I did not ask him if he masturbated…

That thought was the first that filtered through my consciousness, and I was instantly awake, though I remained still with my eyes closed.

And I sure as fuck didn't ask him if he thought about me!

My breath hitched at the thought, and I worked to control it, trying to maintain the regular, soothing rhythm of sleep. Immediately, my mind began to wander, replaying last night. I fought the urge to bite my bottom lip and was surprised when my hips shifted involuntarily when I thought of the way Edward felt lying on top of me…kissing me…touching me…

The heat on my cheeks was familiar, though the source was anything but. This didn't feel like embarrassment. It felt like…arousal. I realized that my breathing was becoming shallower and quicker, and I again slowed it, concentrating for a bit before I let my thoughts drift.

I was still mortified that I'd asked him if he thought of me, but I had to admit…I did a little internal dance when he said he did. I didn't know if it was…normal – I felt the ghost of a grimace on my face as the word passed through my mind – to be excited that my boyfriend thought about me when he jacked off, but I sure as hell was happy about it.

"You know…I know you're not asleep…" Edward's voice was amused, and I jerked around toward the source of it, my eyes flying open. His smile faltered before he took in the blush on my cheeks – and then he smirked. "Having pleasant dreams?" he asked innocently, but I saw the excitement – and happiness – in his eyes.

I dropped back onto my pillow, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands as I tried to adjust to being shocked into waking up so fully and so suddenly. I felt the heat of Edward's hand on my stomach and lowered my hands, opening my eyes to find him smiling at me. I smiled in response as he leaned over, placing a soft, chaste kiss on my lips. "I've been waiting nearly an hour to do that…" he murmured.

He started to pull away, and I lifted up slightly, kissing him again. When his words sank in, I let my head settle on the pillow again and arched an eyebrow. "An hour? What the hell have you been doing?"

Surprisingly, his cheeks flushed a light pink, and he glanced away. He cleared his throat, but his voice was still low when he spoke again. "I ahh…I was watching you sleep." He turned his eyes back to me, giving me the sweetest, most sheepish smile I'd ever seen. "You're just so damn beautiful…and you seemed so peaceful. I didn't want to wake you." He caressed my cheek with the back of his fingers, and I watched him for a long moment before I silently brought my hand to the back of his neck and pulled him to me, kissing him deeply – morning breath be damned. There was no way in hell I was going to let a moment like that pass us by.

When we parted, he stayed near me, his forehead resting against mine with his eyes still closed, and I loved the relaxed, content expression on his face. Finally, he opened his eyes and wrinkled his nose.

Every time I think he can't get cuter…

"What is it?" I asked.

"Well…" he glanced over his shoulder and then looked back at me. "I didn't want to wake you, but I was about to. It's a quarter 'til eight, and I didn't know what time you'd need to start breakfast."

"Shit!" I tried to sit straight up in bed, but the edge of the quilt had somehow gotten trapped between Edward's knees, and it held me down. He chuckled and helped me untangle the covers.

He murmured, "Shh…" as he traced my jaw with his thumb, causing me to shiver lightly and smile at him as I bit my bottom lip. "It's alright. I figured you could sleep in a little bit, and I'd help you."

Watching him smile at me that way forced out all thoughts of loud guys and dozens of eggs to cook. I settled back on the bed, whispering, "You really are too perfect…did you know that?" as I pulled him closer to me. His hand slipped around my waist, his hot palm pressing into my side as he leaned down to kiss me. Having the two of us wrapped up tightly in the quilt all night had super-heated the little space we occupied, and my body seemed to be on fire in the best way possible.

The next fifteen minutes were spent kissing and caressing each other, fingertips innocently exploring necks and shoulders and sides. Edward's lips were so soft, so slow, yet he made my body come alive.

He was the one to pull away and look pointedly back toward the clock again. His grin was beaming and playful when I groaned, and he laughed, tickling me gently. "Why don't you go take a shower, and I'll get some coffee started if Jasper hasn't already?"

I mimicked him, wrinkling my nose as I nodded with a sigh and extricated myself from the bedding. I stood beside the bed, stretching my arms over my head and arching my back, and I thought I heard a soft moan from behind. I glanced over my shoulder and inhaled lightly when I saw the look of desire on Edward's face. His eyes were focused on my torso, and they slowly rose to meet my eyes. "You're beautiful," was all he said before he stood silently and walked toward my door, pausing to place a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"So are you," I said with a quiet smile as he closed the door. I stood there staring for a moment longer before a quick look at the clock showed me I really had to get my ass in gear, or I was going to be left with a bunch of grumbling guys looking over my shoulder while I tried to cook. Still, the fact that Edward had let me sleep – and watched me – kept the smile on my face and had me humming happily as I gathered my clothes and headed to the bathroom for a shower.

As I relaxed beneath the spray of warm water, I was wearing the smile that seemed to be nearly constantly on my face these days, and I caught myself singing "Peaches" under my breath. I actually laughed out loud, and the unexpected sound made me pause, my eyes widening as I tried to recognize this person I was becoming.

My smile slid from my face at the sudden, intrusive thought that I was hardly myself now. That was ridiculous though – in truth, I hadn't been myself for so many years now that I wondered if maybe I just didn't recognize Bella anymore. I thought back, remembering that little girl who had squealed in delight as she ran from Jasper, tripping more often than not. That girl hadn't frozen in fear when someone walked behind her. That girl hadn't carefully measured each moment of contact between her body and another person's, searching for signs of panic.

And that girl hadn't gone to sleep each night dreading a visit from the specter of the man who had crushed her and made that little girl unrecognizable to the woman she had become.

No. Fucking. More.

With renewed determination, I vowed that that motherfucker–

James. Say his name.

I vowed that James would no longer rule my world. But just the thought of his name made me cringe with the uncomfortable feeling of hidden eyes watching me, and I growled in frustration at myself as goosebumps broke out along my skin. I felt suddenly exposed, naked and vulnerable as he threatened to overwhelm me again.

Don't let him.

My hands had stilled in my hair, so I forced myself back into motion, singing softly, "Peaches come from a can; they were put there by a man in a factory dooooowntown," as I massaged my scalp. The silly song and the memory of Edward laughing in the car began soothing me at once, and my voice grew more confident as I sang.

But my eyes were still wide open in search of the tormentor I feared would reach me even now. I took several calming breaths, focusing on the feeling of my chest rising and falling before I closed my eyes. Panic loomed there in the darkness behind my eyelids, giving birth to a nearly irresistible urge to open my eyes and prove to myself that he was not there. Defiantly, I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter and loosened my clenched jaw, singing loudly, "I took a little nap where the roots all twist, squished a rotten peach in my fist, and dreamed about you, woman…"

The sound of my confident voice – whether it was false or not had no bearing on the sound – rising above the steady stream of the shower helped me at once to let go of the terror gripping my chest. I refused to give in, and by the time I'd rinsed my hair and opened my eyes again, my returning smile was triumphant and firmly in place.

I finished my shower and stepped out, deciding as I leaned over to wrap my hair in a towel that the Presidents of the USA were fucking gods. I continued with my impromptu concert, singing through their catalog as I brushed my teeth and hair and got dressed in a long sleeved t-shirt and my jeans. I considered wearing Edward's shirt again, but I was worried that if I wore it too much, it wouldn't smell like him anymore. Instead, I folded it with the little purple shorts – I felt the heat on my cheeks as I remembered wearing them for him – and returned them both to the drawer of my nightstand. I hastily made the bed before leaving my room.

When I walked into the kitchen, I was singing, "Lump was limp and lonely and needed a shove."

Edward didn't even pause, just grinning broadly as he sang, "Lump slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love."

Jasper snorted and rolled his eyes, sipping his coffee as I went to hug Edward and give him a small kiss. He murmured, "Good morning," against my lips, and I felt that ridiculous, goofy smile that he always seemed to put there as I whispered it back to him.

I turned around, smirking at Jasper as I walked toward him. I tickled him in greeting, and he smiled at me, his blond hair sticking up all over his head. It was actually a bigger mess than Edward's this morning, which was quite a feat.

"Decide to sleep in this morning, Miss Swan?" he teased.

"Some of us aren't as naturally pretty as you, Jazzy…we need the beauty sleep."

He kicked lightly at the back of my knee, making it buckle as I muttered, "Jackass." He laughed, and his hand was on my elbow, helping me keep my balance, before his foot had even left my leg.

He knew me too well.

When he let go of my arm, I smacked him in the stomach with the back of my hand, and he chuckled as he grunted. I bent over, searching through the cabinet beside Jasper for my skillet, and I heard him clear his throat before asking Edward something. I lost the question in the rattle of the pans, but when I straightened up and turned around, I caught the faint blush on Edward's cheeks.

What the fuck is that about?

They were talking about our trip to Forks later that night, which struck me as odd, given the expression on Edward's face. It wasn't until I tried to catch his eye and couldn't that I noticed he was keeping his gaze carefully away from me.

Wait…

Did Jasper catch him staring at me?

There was no answer in my head, but I gave a strangled little giggle that I tried to cover by clearing my throat as I went to pull eggs from the refrigerator. When I glanced at Jasper, he smirked at me before his coffee mug covered his expression.

"Where's Alice?" I asked, deciding not to draw attention to whatever had happened between Jasper and Edward – I didn't want to embarrass Edward any more.

"I'm right here!" Alice's voice trilled, and I glanced over my shoulder to see a perky, freshly showered Alice dancing over to Jasper's side. Amusingly, both the men were still in their pajama pants and t-shirts, hair all awry as they sipped their coffee, while the two of us looked ready to start the day.

Before long, we sent them off to shower, too. Edward tried to protest, saying he needed to help me, but Alice shooed him away, telling him she would make sure I had all the help I needed. He glanced back over his shoulder as she was pushing on his back to get him out of the kitchen, and I laughed at the pout on his face, nodding to let him know it was fine. Alice grabbed an extra apron and tied it on, chattering as we cooked.

When the knock on the door came about twenty minutes later, Jasper's voice called, "I'll get it," from the hallway, and the familiar babble of my guys' voices filled our apartment again.

Just one more day, I thought, shaking my head. I could never wait for them to get here – and I really did love having them around – but I was always ready for them to go by the end.

They descended on the kitchen, a fluid mass of hugs and laughter and teasing voices, and I couldn't help but smile. We always worked well together, and in no time, the table was set, and serving dishes full of eggs and bacon and sausage and everything else they could possible want – that I was willing to fix anyway – were being moved into the dining room.

"Hey, sweetpea, where's E?" Felix asked as he came over to hug me good morning.

"He's in the shower," I said, my head just below Felix's chest as I was swallowed in his embrace. "He'll be out in just a minute, I'm sure."

Felix arched an eyebrow but didn't say anything as he helped me fix drinks for everyone. Quil was just carrying the last of the glasses to the table when a second knock on the door sounded. This time it was Edward's voice that called out that he'd get it, and in no time, we were joined by him, Rosalie, and Emmett, who clapped Edward so hard on the back as they came into the room that he staggered forward a step.

Once everyone was there, we dug into breakfast, the guys making short work of it as I let their banter roll over me. I was reaching that sort of glazed point where I'd nearly had enough of company and was ready to be a recluse for a few days – unfortunately, the holidays never allowed that. I'd just be trading this group for the next one, but at least at the Hales', I'd have some time alone.

Completely fucking alone.

I realized, again, that Edward would be leaving me tomorrow night, and I didn't even know I was frowning until I felt his hand lightly stroking my knee. All his attention was seemingly on the conversation he was having with Embry, but he had still somehow sensed my tension.

I picked up my fork again, trying to focus on the conversations going on around me, and I caught sight of Jake frowning as his eyes slid across me and Edward. I had hoped that, by now, he'd be over whatever issues he had, but it just seemed to be getting worse. I wondered if he was going to be able to leave without saying anything, or if it was going to come to some sort of confrontation.

Much like the day before, the next several hours were a blur of eating, washing dishes, rolling dice, talking, laughing, and settling arguments between the boys. I easily slipped into my role as the Dungeon Master, in control and focused…except for the way Edward's fingers occasionally trailed up my inner thigh from my knee. His attention was usually turned elsewhere – laughing with Quil or making a face at Alice – but his fingertips lightly traced lines through my jeans halfway up my thigh, making me bite my bottom lip in concentration more than once.

That simple contact was making me squirm, and I could take only so much before I called a break, escaping to my bathroom as a cover. There, I leaned on the counter and looked at myself in the mirror, taking in the blush on my cheeks and the way my eyes danced with excitement.

I sat on the edge of my tub for a few minutes, trying to calm my racing heart. I…wanted. Badly. I couldn't even articulate exactly what I wanted, but my body responded to Edward in a primal way that I honestly couldn't remember ever feeling before.

"Bella?" Edward's soft voice was followed by a light knock on the door that made me jump. "Are you alright?"

"Fine!" I called, my voice sounding strangled and tense to my ears. I hopped up, turning on the water. Without letting it warm, I wet my face and then patted it dry, again studying myself in the mirror. My eyes were a little less wild, but the blush was still there – this time from embarrassment.

Taking a few calming breaths, I opened the door to find Edward standing there, frowning as he leaned with his shoulder against the frame. His lips lifted into a smile when he saw me, and he whispered, "You sure?"

I nodded, feeling the heat flare all along my neck and cheeks.

Honesty. He fucking told you he masturbates. To you. When you're in the goddamn apartment.

"You…" My voice cracked, and I paused to clear my throat. "You were sort of driving me crazy in there."

His brow furrowed briefly before he caught the meaning of my words. I saw the way he tried to hold back, but his lips twitched twice before a beaming smile spread across his face. He leaned down and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, holding me close and lifting me several inches from the ground as he kissed me. When he pulled away, he murmured, "Sorry…" and I laughed.

"Sure you are…you look really sorry." My tone was sarcastic, but I grinned at him, trying to let him know he had nothing to apologize for.

He chuckled, not even bothering to try to deny it, and nuzzled his face into my neck, squeezing me once before I felt the warmth of his lips on my throat, making me sigh softly. He set me back down and looked me in the eye as he said, "Seriously, I'm sorry. I'll stop if it bothers you."

I took both his hands, giving them a gentle squeeze as I answered. "Don't. Please. It's…distracting…but I fucking love it."

He studied me carefully, his eyes drifting over my whole face – taking in my eyes, my forehead, my cheeks, my lips – before he finally nodded and gave me another smile. "Just tell me if it's too much?"

"I always will," I answered quietly. "Promise."

He nodded and said, "Shall we?" before taking my hand. He laughed when I made a face, and we walked back into the dining room, rejoining the guys. I tried to ignore my more antisocial tendencies, reminding myself that I didn't get to see the boys very much, and I should enjoy it while it lasted. They were starting to wear on me, though, and I found myself getting short with them a couple of times.

We'd had a late breakfast, so it was around 1:00 that afternoon before the first grumblings of food began to crop up. We kept playing until the arguments about what to get for lunch became too distracting, and I finally just called a break. No more than two or three of us could agree on what to eat, so we decided to pause for a couple of hours to let people get whatever they wanted.

I sat back in my seat as the room began to clear out, exhaling a sigh as I rested my head on the back of my chair and stared at the ceiling. As much as I loved running the game – and I really wouldn't trade it with anyone else – it was exhausting sometimes. There was just so much to keep up with.

Edward's hand squeezed my thigh, making me sit up straighter and turn my head to look at him. "Any idea what you want?" he asked.

Are you on the menu?

I smirked – and probably blushed – at the thought as I shook my head. "I'm not even really hungry yet…are you?"

He shook his head. "Not really. I was actually thinking I should just go back to my apartment and pack…that way we don't have to worry about that later."

We were going to be leaving for Forks right about the same time the guys did, likely around 7:00, so we'd be arriving at the Hales' pretty much in time to go to bed. For me, anyway – I was getting up early in the morning to help Mama Hale cook.

My heart warmed at the thought of Jasper's kind, nurturing mother. In so many ways, she had been a mom to me ever since she put a Snoopy band-aid on the first skinned knee I got at her house – on my first visit there, of course. She never coddled me, never let me take the easy way out, but she always protected me with a fierceness that I'd rarely seen from my own mother. Renee was just…not that way. I loved my mom, but – to my mind – Mama Hale was what a mother should be, while Renee had always been more of a friend.

"Bella?" Edward was watching me with his head tilted just slightly to the right.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, alright…" I frowned as I thought. I glanced around at the messy piles of books in front of me with a sigh. "I'd say I'd go back with you, but I should probably catch up on a few things here. It'll make the afternoon go easier…"

Edward was unintentionally pouting, and those slightly pursed lips made me feel mischievous. I leaned in, taking his bottom lip between mine as I kissed him. I teased his lip with the tip of my tongue, but when he moved to kiss me more fully, I shifted my lips away, bringing them to his ear. I whispered, "Besides…I'm not sure how much packing you'd get done if you took me back to your place…"

A low sound much like a growl rose from his chest, barely audible. This time he wouldn't be denied, taking my face in his hands and pulling my lips to his. His kiss was slow but insistent, and I was left feeling light-headed and breathless when we parted. His eyes were dark, smoldering, and he held my gaze for a long moment before finally lowering his hands. He didn't answer, remaining silent as he stood and offered me his hand.

We walked quietly toward the front door, where we met Jasper helping Alice with her coat. They'd had the same thought and were going back to Alice's apartment to make sure she was ready for her trip. Alice and Edward had decided to stay up with us tomorrow night and leave Forks at around 3:00 in the morning to give them enough time to make it back to Seattle for their flight. They were both taking all their luggage with them, though, so they could go straight to the airport without stopping by their apartments.

Edward's expression had returned to normal as he talked to Alice, exasperated when she reminded him to pack a dress shirt and tie. He'd told me that every Thanksgiving weekend, there was a gathering of some of his father's friends from the hospital that was considered a semi-formal occasion, so they were expected to dress up and play nice.

The smile put on my face by their playful banter faded when I heard a scuffle in the living room accompanied by a grunt and then Quil's laughter. I sighed, catching Jasper's eye.

Just a few more hours… his half-grin reminded me. I nodded and wrinkled my nose, making him laugh. His eyes were sympathetic, assuring me that he, too, was ready for the quiet of our apartment again.

Too soon, Edward kissed me goodbye, and the three of them walked out to their cars together. It went against my instincts to leave the door unlocked, but I forced myself, walking determinedly away and trying to keep my shoulders from tensing.

It just makes sense, right? I mean, the guys will be in and out...

Logical or not, it grated on me, and I quickly made my way to the office, putting distance between myself and the front door. The very fact that such distance was necessary annoyed me, and I entered the office with a huff, flopping down in my computer chair.

The cool leather and the way it contoured to my body after the many hours I'd spent in it made it familiar and comforting. I sat there for a few minutes, one leg tucked beneath me while the other foot moved idly on the floor, swiveling me back and forth.

Eventually, I sighed, running both my hands through my hair as I turned to the computer. I pressed the power button, listening to the whirr of the CPU and staring at the blank monitor. Bored and feeling mildly depressed, I let my eyes roam, and they came to rest upon the picture of the guys I kept on my desk. I picked it up, running my fingers over the glass as I smiled down at my boys and shook my head.

When I put it back in its place, I frowned. I really wanted a picture of Edward as well. As ludicrous as it was, I already missed being able to look at him, and I made the impulsive decision to take a picture of him before he left for Chicago.

"Hey, Bells…whatcha doin'?" Jake's voice wasn't entirely unexpected if I was being honest with myself. He'd been acting strangely for a few weeks, alternately reticent and overly-friendly when we raided. And since the guys arrived, he'd been tense, especially around me and Edward.

Here it comes…

I debated asking Jake straight out what his problem was, but he'd been a great friend for a long time, and I could at least give him a chance to do this his way. I turned in my chair, smiling at him as brightly as I could. "Hey, Jake – what's up?"

He stepped into the office, stuffing his hands into his pockets and leaning back against Jasper's desk. His hair was down, the left side tucked behind his ear while the right framed his face. I'd always known Jake was a good-looking guy, but – just like Jasper – he'd never done anything for me. I looked at him with my new eyes, trying to see if there was anything else there…and there just wasn't.

For some reason, the thought that I still found Edward more attractive than anyone else – even now that I'd started letting those romantic feelings in again – put a small smile on my face. Jake misunderstood and gave me another smile in response, his eyes soft.

I cleared my throat. "So…having fun?"

Jake said he was, and he started talking animatedly about the boys' visit. He jumped from topic to topic, though, switching nearly mid-sentence from Quil's character's near-death experience to the beating he'd just given Jared at football. I listened and tried to keep up, responding as appropriately as I could, but all I could manage was the odd "Ahh…" and a chuckle here and there. The space between us was growing decidedly awkward, and Jake seemed intent on filling it with inane chatter.

By the time he made the improbable leap from the '57 Harley-Davidson XL Sportster he was working on at the shop to how he couldn't wait for The Player's Handbook 2 to be published so he could make a druid, I'd had enough. I was frustrated, frowning as I struggled to follow, and it was obvious he was just wasting time, trying to work up the courage to say something. "I mean, can you imagine wildshape with-"

"Jake." I tried to keep the annoyance out of my voice, but I'm sure I didn't succeed. "What's really on your mind?"

He frowned, tilting his head back slightly and looking down his nose at me. He was quiet for too long, and the way he was staring down at me from on high made me feel like an ant. Annoyed, I started to stand, but I heard him sigh and settled back in my seat, frowning up at him in return.

"I just don't get it, Bella," he said quietly. "I don't get you."

Something in his words and the expression on his face made me wary, and I felt the instinctual need to tread lightly.

"What do you mean?" I asked, probably stupidly. "What don't you get?"

His eyes narrowed, and he took his hands out of his pockets, crossing his arms in front of his chest. For the first time, I was suddenly aware of how big Jake really was. His biceps bulged over his clenched fists, and his broad shoulders seemed to dominate the room. He was…intimidating.

But he was still Jake.

I arched an eyebrow at him and kept my hands on the arms of my chair, refusing to cross my arms defensively. I'd done nothing wrong.

"What don't I get?" His nostrils even flared. No, really. I would've been amused if I hadn't felt the first stirrings of anger in my chest. "I don't know. Maybe I don't get how for years now, we've all tiptoed around you – trying to make sure you were comfortable, trying to help you get better. And nothing ever seemed to change, but now all of a sudden, you find this random guy – some jackass you don't even know – and you just forget everything? So…what? What happened to you just doesn't matter anymore? Your friends just don't matter to you anymore?"

"Now wait-" My voice was cold steel as I tried to interrupt him, but he just bowled right over me, not even pausing. He'd pushed away from the desk and was almost pacing now, just a few steps back and forth as he raged.

"Don't even try to tell me it's not true. You've forgotten about all of us – except Jasper. You don't really raid anymore; you never fucking call. All because you have some new boyfriend? It's bullshit, Bella."

"Jake." I stood, my hands clenched into fists at my side as I glared at him. Again, no response from him. He continued, his words rolling over me in one nearly incomprehensible rant as he got it off his chest – everything that had been bothering him. I began to tune him out, unable to process all the things he was throwing at me, and it was Edward's name that finally brought him back into focus.

"So you've known Edward-" The name was a sneer on Jake's lips. "For all of a month? What about those of us who've been close to you for years? How can you just suddenly start dating again like that? I've been waiting for a long fucking time, Bella. What changed? What makes him so different? When's it my turn?"

My eyes were wide, my mouth open in a small "o" of disbelief and shock. Jake stopped talking, putting his hands back in his pockets as he shifted nervously. Clearly, he'd said more than he intended to, but he wasn't trying to take it back.

What. The. Fuck?

How dare he?

I exploded. "When's it your turn? Are you fucking kidding me? What am I, some goddamn roller coaster? Just get in line, wait your turn, and you get a fucking ride?" I took a step toward him, and he took a small step back, bumping into Jasper's desk again. "You want to know what makes him so different? I don't even know! And that's the best part. There's just something there that makes him special – that makes him Edward." I spat the name at him, much as he'd sneered it at me. I was aware on some level that the volume of my voice was rising while the pitch was quickly approaching shriek-level, but I wasn't about to moderate it for Jake. Not about this. "But I can tell you what makes him the same. He loves me. He watches out for me. He tries to make me feel comfortable and safe, and you know what? He does."

Jake scowled, and when I paused to take a breath to rant some more, his deep voice cut through mine, a quiet, melancholy counterpoint to my bellowing. "How can you even trust him? Look at yourself. You're beautiful, and you're vulnerable…how do you know he's not just waiting long enough for a ride? How can you trust him, Bella, but not give me a chance?"

My chest was heaving from the force of my words and my anger, and I stood staring at him in disbelief before my jaw clenched. My fists were actually shaking. "Don't you dare try to make me feel guilty for loving him! Do you have any idea how goddamn miserable I've been for the last seven years?" I had so much more that I wanted to say, but I suddenly felt a stabbing pain in my chest as if a long-healed wound had been ripped open, and I gasped instead.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Emmett's voice was a welcome reprieve, even though it was hard and lacked the joking tone I'd come to expect. He walked in the room, his face fierce as he stepped in between us.

When I glanced back at Jake, I saw his face had fallen, the harsh mask crumbling as he reached out a hand toward me. My jaw clenched in frustration as tears began to sting my eyes. Why did all my emotions have to be wired to my tear ducts? I scrubbed angrily at my eyes with the backs of my hands and opened my mouth to speak, but a sort of strangled wail came out instead.

How fucking embarrassing.

I didn't even know if I was upset. I was just pissed and frustrated and wanted to growl.

Emmett was standing there, looking back and forth between Jake and me, but he seemed at a loss as to what to do. Felix came to his rescue, stepping in the doorway. He took one look at the scene in front of him, studied me carefully, and then said quietly, "Come on, Jake…let's go outside for a minute."

Jake nodded and turned to follow him, his eyes on the floor. He didn't even glance at me as he was leaving, which was probably just as well, since I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or scream – and was likely to do both. My eyes were fixed on Emmett's face, and he gave me a tentative smile.

Something about that – this big, tough guy I barely knew watching out for me and trying to make me smile – just hit me hard. I made it to the couch, sitting down and pulling my legs to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my face in them, and my shoulders shook as I cried.

I felt the couch shift when Emmett sat down, and his weight on the cushions made me automatically lean toward him. He awkwardly patted my back with one of his huge hands, which made me feel like laughing for some reason. Of course, the change in my expression shook the tentative hold I had on myself, and a sob escaped instead.

"Shh…" Emmett whispered, his other hand gingerly guiding my head to his shoulder. The feeling of his big hand across my face made me freeze, and I was aware that my hands were in fists, holding onto the fabric of his shirt. My breaths came in quick, shallow pants, and I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking frantically, This is just Emmett…Edward's friend…just Emmett…Edward trusts him…just Emmett…

My moment of panic helped engage my mind and calm my tears, and my body was no longer wracked with sobs. I felt an impulse to push away from Emmett, to get some space between his hulking form and myself, but I was able to stay where I was. I can't say that it was comforting, exactly, but it wasn't entirely unpleasant either.

He kept making soothing noises, shushing me even though I was no longer crying, and I wondered if maybe he just didn't know what else to do. His hand alternately patted and rubbed my arm, and his timid, reassuring gestures brought a tiny smile to my lips. My eyes were still brimming with tears, making my vision blurry as I took a deep, steadying breath. He squeezed my shoulders in response.

I heard Felix murmur, "Is she alright?"

Emmett's voice was as close to a whisper as I'd ever heard from him when he answered. "Yeah…I think she's alright. Did you figure out what was going on?"

Felix didn't answer, and I imagined some silent communication passing between the two of them as the hush hanging in the room stretched on. Without a sound, Felix settled onto the couch on my other side, and without even thinking, I shifted way from Emmett, leaning toward Felix.

"Shh, it's alright, sweetpea…" Felix wrapped his arms around me, and just like always, my body molded to his side. I fit right under his arm, a warm, comforting shelter that was so familiar to me. I turned my head, burying my face in the side of his chest, and he began to rock with me gently.

His touch and tranquil reassurance were a balm of serenity, and my anger dissipated nearly at once. I was left, though, with a lingering sense of worry and doubt. I raised my head, and he turned to look at me with a small smile. When I said nothing, he answered the unspoken question in my eyes. "Jake's okay…I promise. I umm…I think he's just going to head back home, though. He needs some space."

I frowned, nodding. I cared about Jake, but he wasn't my primary concern right now. "Did he tell you what he said?" My voice was a hoarse whisper.

Felix frowned in turn as he sighed and then nodded. "I'm sorry, sweetpea," he said softly.

My brow furrowed in confusion as I shook my head. "That's not what I mean. Do…do you think I've been ignoring you?"

He glanced away before his hand started rubbing gently along my upper arm again. He looked back down at me, smiling as he disagreed. "You've got a lot going on…believe me, we understand."

I sat up, pushing away from him as I scrubbed my hand through my hair. "So it's true? I've been ignoring you?" Infuriatingly, my lower lip trembled as I sniffled.

He pursed his lips, his face growing thoughtful as he stared ahead. His hand had stilled on my arm. "Bella…" As always, my name sounded odd on his lips; he so rarely used it. "You're in a new relationship. It's only natural that you're spending a lot of time with him, especially considering…well, everything."

"But do you think I'm just dropping you guys?" The feeling that gripped my chest was unexpected – a mixture of despair and shame and regret. These men had been my friends – and the source of my sanity – for so long, and I didn't think I could stand it if they thought I'd just abandoned them. At the same time, I so loved spending time with Edward…the thought of giving that up was unbearable.

"Sweetpea, no…you just started dating Edward. Every single one of us has disappeared at one time or another because we got involved with a new girl. It's just…" He paused, clearing his throat as he glanced at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, honey, but we just got used to the fact that we didn't have to share you. Jake's having a harder time than the rest of us with that."

Oh. So this is more Bella's-a-freak shit…

"Seriously, though, don't worry about it. This is our issue, not yours. You don't see anyone acting weird because of Alice or Emmett and, believe me, Jasper's been just as preoccupied as you. Edward seems like a really cool guy, and he is apparently completely in love with you, so I don't know that there's much more we could ask for, you know?" He ruffled my hair, giving me the grin I loved that made that little dimple in his chin show up. "We're fine with it – hell, we're more than fine with it. You look like a new person, sweetpea. Jake is just…" He grimaced, glancing away as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Jealous…" I finished, letting my voice trail off as I studied the carpet.

"Disappointed," Felix corrected, drawing my gaze. He chuckled. "Don't look at me like that, missy. He was hoping he'd get a chance to talk to you this week. I don't think he was expecting Edward to be around so much…so today was his first chance, and well…" He shrugged. "Didn't go as planned."

I sat back on the couch, letting my head rest against the back as I stared at the ceiling. I caught sight of Emmett in my peripheral vision – I'd nearly forgotten he was there. He was looking ahead, just sitting quietly.

I turned my heard toward him to apologize for the scene he'd witnessed, but Felix interrupted before I could speak, his voice soft. "I think he was pretty sure you would choose him, to be honest…I think he thought you must not have realized that he was a possibility because he's been trying to hide how he feels about you for years."

I stared at Felix, dumbfounded. "Well, that's not what came out…at all." My brow furrowed as I frowned, not liking the surge of guilt I felt. "I've never thought of Jake like that…ever. He's just…Jake…"

Felix gave me a half-smile as he nodded. "Oh, I know…we all do. But Jake's still holding out hope."

"Still?" My eyes were wide, my voice incredulous.

Felix chuckled and said, "You know Jake; he's nothing if not confident."

"You mean delusional," I muttered.

From my other side, Emmett cleared his throat, and both Felix and I turned to look at him. "I know it's none of my business, but I just wanted to tell you that you're not the only one who's disappeared. I don't see Edward nearly as much as I used to. So I just wanted to say thank you." He gave me that impossibly cute grin that showed off his dimples. Felix snorted while Emmett laughed. "Nah, seriously, though. It's just normal. You're adding someone else in your life, and for whatever fucking reason, you like the douchewad a lot…" He pretended to look baffled. "I'm new to this whole relationship thing, but I can tell you that Rosie takes up a lot of time."

Felix's huge hand settled on my shoulder. "He's right, sweetpea. You haven't dropped us. You just have to adjust. We understand. We've all gone through it at some point."

I nodded, staring down at my hands as I idly played with my fingers. Wait… "Hey, where is Rose, anyway?"

Emmett gave me a small smile and said, "Well, she had to go get some stuff packed for the trip, too, and Embry was heading that way, so he gave her a ride."

He was relaxed, sitting back into the corner of the couch with his arm resting along the back, and his nonchalant expression let me know he was in on it. I raised an eyebrow at him, and his grin widened, his eyes becoming mischievous.

Oh, yeah, he knows.

I'd wondered if Embry and Rose would find a way to slip off for awhile, and it seemed they had…with Emmett's help. He was a pretty cool guy.

The three of us talked for a few minutes more, the conversation moving away from Jake and Edward and relationships and onto…football. What else? When the guys started arguing the significance of stats, I laughed and excused myself. I loved watching the game, but I drew the line at complicated predictions based on math.

I knew I should prepare for the session that afternoon, but I was antsy and distracted now, and I needed to do something. I'd already done all our laundry and made sure both Jasper and I were packed for our trip so, instead, I walked into the kitchen and pulled on my apron. I began gathering ingredients, humming quietly as I set about making some good, old-fashioned chocolate chip cookies for my boys.

Predictably, Quil soon poked his head through the doorway. "Cookies?"

I laughed, nodding to him, and he walked to the refrigerator and grabbed the butter and eggs. He reached under the counter, pulling out my KitchenAid mixer and plugging it in. He pulled a bowl out of the cabinet, unwrapped two sticks of butter and dropped them in, then put them in the microwave. He leaned back against the counter and grinned at me before he finally spoke again. "Excellent," was all he said.

Baking and joking with Quil helped me feel more like myself as the afternoon wore on. As soon as the first pan of cookies was out of the oven, he was bouncing one from hand to hand. He popped it into his mouth and then opened it wide, inhaling quickly as he mumbled, "Oooh…hot."

"No shit, dumbass." Every damn time. I laughed.

One batch was never enough for all of us, so we just kept making them, and it was as we were finishing the third that the front door opened, and I heard the sound I'd been unconsciously listening for all afternoon.

"Hello?" called Edward's melodic voice.

"In here," Quil answered in a high falsetto. I laughed and smacked his arm, calling out my own greeting. The timer on the last batch dinged just then, so I grabbed the pot holders and pulled them out of the oven, placing the pan on the cooling racks.

I heard Edward quietly say, "Bella?" before I felt his arms wrap around my waist. At his touch, I felt my tension begin to drain away, and I leaned back against him with a soft, "Mmm…" He held me tighter, pulling me closer before he let his arms relax. I turned around and ridiculously gave a soft gasp when I saw that he was wearing his glasses.

And he looks fucking great…

Completely edible.

I blushed, and he said, "What?" with that damnable crooked grin of his. I couldn't help myself. I…attacked. My arms were wrapped tightly around his shoulders, and my lips found his so quickly that he froze at first.

I heard him breathe, "God damn," as he finally responded, his hands on my hips pulling me closer as he kissed me hard. Everything about him just felt so…right. His hands slipped around to my back, his palms pressed dangerously low as my own hands moved to grip his shoulders. Too soon, he pulled away, grinning at me mischievously before he glanced to the left and said, "Hey, Quil."

My cheeks flamed as I followed his gaze to find Quil leaning back against the counter with a cookie in hand. He was watching us with an amused smile like we were some goddamn live show. "No, go ahead." He waved the cookie, motioning for us to continue. "I don't have a girlfriend right now, so this is the closest I get."

He smirked at me, but I was saved from answering – or burying my face in Edward's chest to hide – when Jared stepped in. "Hey, B?"

Thank God.

I turned around, giving him a grateful smile. His answering smile was fleeting, though, as he said, "Sorry…I'm going to have to bow out of the next session. Kim said there's some sort of floral emergency or something…"

"You're leaving?" I frowned as I took in the expression on his face. I had never seen him so stressed – there were creases on his forehead, and his lips were pressed into a thin line before he gave a small smile in response to my concern.

"No, I'll be here. I just don't know how long this will take, and I might be on the phone a lot. Apparently, there's a problem with one of the bridesmaids, too – she may not be able to make it." He raked his fingers through his hair and muttered when his phone rang again. He was already walking, and we heard his "Hello?" just before the front door opened and closed.

"Well…if J's out, and obviously Jake is too…maybe we should just hang out this afternoon?" Quil suggested.

I bit my bottom lip as I thought it over. I had to admit to myself that it would be a fucking relief to just relax for the rest of the day before we left, so I turned to nod at him. "You don't think the guys will mind?"

His grin was easy. "Nah, Felix has been eyeing Rock Band. Gives us more of a chance to do stuff with him." He shrugged.

"Jake's not playing?" Edward's question was a quiet murmur spoken near my ear.

Quil pushed away from the counter, picking up a plate piled with cookies. "I'll just go take these to the guys and let 'em know what's going on…"

"Thanks," I muttered, looking down at the floor as my fingers idly played with the buttons on Edward's shirt. I finally took in what he was wearing – a thin white t-shirt with dark blue jeans, topped by a blue plaid shirt he'd left open with the sleeves rolled up. I lifted my eyes, taking in his smooth jaw - mildly disappointed that he'd shaved – and those beautiful lips I loved to kiss until I saw him peering at me curiously through those glasses of his again.

Fucking hell.

I meant to just think it; I swear I did. Of course, that's not what happened, and his grin was impish as he said, "What was that?"

I sighed, resigned. "Umm…I said 'fucking hell'…" I bit my bottom lip and looked up at him, letting my hands glide up his chest. I played gently with the hair on the back of his head as I continued. "You look…" Seductive. Kissable. Tantalizing. "…great. I really love your glasses," I finished lamely.

His eyebrows rose in surprise. "Really? I always feel…awkward, I guess…in them, but I had a killer headache that I couldn't get rid of, so I thought I'd try this."

I laughed softly, pressing up on my toes as I kissed him gently. I whispered against his lips, "Trust me…you look anything but awkward. I have to admit that I was disappointed when I didn't see them again after the umm…slumber party…"

I dropped back down, and Edward's hand rose, his thumb tracing along my bottom lip as he again said, "Really?" I nodded. He smiled softly and leaned down, whispering in my ear, "If I'd known that, I might never have taken them off. You might be stuck with these for a long time now." He took my earlobe between his lips, teasing it with the tip of his tongue as he nibbled on it gently. When he let go and stood up straight again, I could feel that strange chill created by wet flesh meeting the cool air.

I shivered, smiling at him contentedly. "I don't think you'll hear me complaining."

We stood in the kitchen for a few more minutes, enjoying the solace of being together and expressing ourselves in soft caresses and heated kisses. Much too soon for my liking, Edward pulled away, taking a few steps back to lean against the counter. I moved with him, stepping between his legs and resting my hands on his hips.

"So…" he began. "Jake?"

With that one simple word, my frustrations and worries from earlier came flooding back to me, but they were muted, as if Edward's presence made the whole situation more tolerable. "Jake…" I wrinkled my nose and bit my bottom lip with a sigh. "Well, after you left, he came into the office…" I filled Edward in on everything that had happened, not allowing myself to either censor or embellish. It was difficult at times, as I had a natural tendency to want to both lessen the guilt I felt and still somehow make Jake seem like less of an ass than he had actually been. I didn't know why, exactly, other than that I knew Edward was already on edge about him, and I hoped that – eventually – they might become friends.

"And then he asked…" I swallowed against the sudden lump in my throat. "He asked when it was going to be his 'turn'…"

"He did what?" Edward had been listening quietly, nodding and sometimes asking questions for clarification. He'd remained calm throughout the whole thing, other than a slight tightening around his eyes when I mentioned the things Jake said about him and how I'd abandoned my friends. But now his voice was cold, and I could feel the way his arms tensed. He had been idly rubbing my arms, but now his hands gripped my elbows.

I shifted my arms uncomfortably, annoyed by the fluttering of fear I felt when his fingertips dug into my flesh. At once, he dropped his hands, and I saw a flicker of pain flash through his eyes as he whispered, "I'm sorry."

Moving my hands to his face, I caressed his cheeks and pulled gently, encouraging him to bend toward me. I placed a soft kiss on his lips, trying to reassure him. When we parted again, his eyes were still stormy, but he seemed more at ease.

"So yeah…he asked when his turn was, and I got pissed…" I told Edward about everything that had happened between Jake and me. He listened quietly, nodding once or twice, and I saw several emotions pass across his face at different times.

"And then Emmett came in and asked what the hell was going on, and Felix took Jake outside, and that was really it." My voice trailed off as I studied Edward, noticing his jaw was clenched, and his eyes were smoldering as he stared off into the kitchen. I thought back over all the things I'd said, and with a sinking heart, I realized that when I told him about all the nasty things Jake implied about him, I didn't mention what I said in response. "Hey…" I was relieved when his eyes swung immediately to meet mine. "Don't worry…I told Jake you're not like that."

He flashed me a quick smile and murmured quietly, "Thanks, love." He kissed me softly and pulled me closer. "I really do appreciate that. But I don't particularly care what he thinks of me."

His flippant dismissal of Jake seemed genuine, so I didn't quite understand the look in his eyes. "Then what is it?"

Edward watched me for a moment, studying my face, before he finally said, "I'm pissed the fuck off at the way he apparently looks at you. You are not some goddamn piece of meat, and I really wish he was here right now so I could make that clear to him." His hands formed fists at his sides, his forearms flexing to leave little doubt as to how he would prove his point.

I wondered just what, exactly, was wrong with me that part of me found the idea of Edward and Jake fighting appealing. Still… "It's alright, seriously. I know Jake doesn't actually think of me that way. He just…he's just stupid sometimes." My brow furrowed as I tried to think of a better way to say what I meant. Luckily, though, Edward chuckled and slipped his arms around my waist, hugging me close.

"I love you," he whispered in my ear. We spent the next few minutes just holding each other, letting all the anxiety just fade away. My head was resting on Edward's chest, and I could feel myself drifting toward sleep.

And then the horde descended. Alex was the first, coming to refill the empty plate with cookies. He was followed by Quil and then Felix, and before long, it seemed like everyone was in the kitchen, milling around and talking over each other. Eventually we all made our way into the living room, and those who were missing returned.

All except Jake.

His absence was easy to overlook for most of the afternoon, but every once in awhile, something would happen that would make it obvious. It was just stupid little things – Embry making an inside joke that he usually shared with Jake, or even me looking for him to sing "Hungry Like the Wolf" on Rock Band 2. He had a god awful singing voice, but that never stopped him.

Of course, the small hole left by Jake's absence was completely overshadowed by Jasper's reaction to what had taken place while he was gone. As soon as he and Alice had returned, he'd picked up on the tension Edward was exuding. I caught a glance between the two of them, and Edward nodded minutely. A few minutes later, when Jasper disappeared into the kitchen, Edward just happened to go for a drink.

I rolled my eyes.

Boys.

I was happy, though, that the two of them were actually becoming friends, so I stayed where I was, shifting nervously on the couch as I chewed on my bottom lip and tried to watch Alice and the boys play their game. The voices in the kitchen became heated for a moment, and I sighed, glancing down at my nails.

When they finally emerged, Jasper was clearly fuming. He apparently was of the same opinion as Edward, and he flashed me a brief look of both compassion and frustration. He didn't say anything, though, and Edward came to take his place beside me in equal silence. He put his arm around my shoulders and settled in, making no further mention of it.

Since I didn't have to run the game, the afternoon raced by, and we were soon saying goodbye to the guys. Everyone was talking at once, and it was loud and chaotic. When they all got into their cars and pulled away, the sudden silence left me feeling a little empty. It was that same strange paradox I always felt – couldn't wait for them to leave, missed them when they were gone.

We went back into the apartment, making a meal of the leftovers from the last few days. There was a strange mixture of Chinese, Thai, pizza, and sandwiches spread across the gaming table. We all shared, and it made me smile to see the way Alice, Edward, and Emmett had become such an integral part of us so easily. Emmett reached across the table, spearing a piece of sesame chicken on my plate, and with a speed I didn't know I had, I stuck my own fork in it as well. He grinned at me and pulled, creating a sort of tug of war that ended when the chicken split in half. He popped his part in his mouth with a smirk while Rosalie hit him on the arm and told him to grow some manners before he met her parents. I was pleasantly surprised to see she was holding back a laugh, though.

I felt gross from baking most of the afternoon, so when everyone started clearing the table, I loaded my dishes in the dishwasher and told Edward I was going to take a quick shower. He nodded and asked where my bag was so they could pack the cars, and we'd be ready to leave when I was finished.

I grabbed a change of clothes and went into my bathroom, twisting my hair into a bun on top of my head. The warm, massaging spray of water was a welcome relief to my aching shoulders – I hadn't realized I was quite so tense. I caught the faint hint of cedar and realized that Edward had used his own soap earlier.

The thought that Edward was the last person in my shower brought a blush to my cheeks, particularly when I remembered what he had admitted he sometimes did in the shower. I bit my bottom lip, looking around as if there would be some way I could tell whether or not he had earlier. There wasn't, of course, and I realized that in all likelihood, he hadn't. At least, I knew I would feel pretty self-conscious after just telling my girlfriend I masturbated in the shower.

But he did tell you…so maybe it doesn't bother him?

Yeah, but did you see his face? That was hard for him to admit.

True, but…

The ridiculous argument continued in my head as I washed. I'd reached no conclusion, other than that I really hoped he didn't regret telling me now. And I realized that, if I should ever decide to try it myself…I probably had to tell him.

I wrinkled my nose at my logic, stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel from the cabinet. I dried quickly and got dressed, yanking down my hair and brushing it as I stared at the blush on my cheeks.

And I haven't even done anything yet!

I could definitely see why Edward had been so embarrassed to tell me. It just made me that much more determined to be honest with him.

When I stepped out of my room, I found that everyone was ready and just waiting on me. They were all already in the parking lot, so I turned off the last of the lamps, took a final glance around the apartment and then closed and locked the door, including the deadbolt. I stuck my keys in my pocket and started walking toward Edward's Volvo, but Rosalie caught my elbow and steered me to her car.

"Oh no, you don't. I called you."

"You called me?" I asked, perplexed.

"Yup. You, me, and Alice. We have a date for some girl talk." When we got close to her car, she smiled at Alice, who was wearing an impish grin and standing with the front passenger door open. I glanced over my shoulder and caught Edward looking at me as well. He shrugged at me, giving me his crooked grin as he waved, and then slipped behind the wheel of his car. I watched Jasper and Emmett get in as well and then tripped over my own feet, catching myself against Rose's car.

"That's why you should watch where you're going," Rose said simply. "Get in."

Rolling my eyes, I muttered under my breath and climbed into the backseat. Rosalie cranked the car as I was about to speak, and my voice was cut off in the blare of Warrant from the stereo, "-pie, cool drink of water-" She quickly turned down the volume as she backed out of the parking space and pulled up, waiting for Edward to take the lead.

Only Rosalie.

"So what are we talking about?" I tried again.

"The boys," Alice answered promptly.

"Wait…" I frowned. "So we're riding together to talk about the boys, when we could be riding with them instead?"

I saw Rosalie roll her eyes in the rearview mirror as she sighed. She caught my eye and said, "We have a lot to teach you. Welcome to the club, Bella."

"Club? What club?" I wondered aloud. We pulled out of the parking lot to the sound of their laughter.

We followed behind Edward, who drove much more quickly than I remembered, as the girls filled me in on this so-called club. I could tell they were joking, so the "rules" about nail polish and highlights just made me laugh rather than sending me into panic mode.

After a few minutes, Rosalie said, "No, seriously…we've all been so caught up in the guys that we haven't had much of a chance to see how things are going for all of us." She again caught my eye and whispered, "I miss you, Dizzy Izzy."

At the mention of her silly childhood nickname for me, I grinned and felt a swelling in my chest. She was the only one who had ever called me that because Jasper – whom Rose had called Spazzy Jazzy – and I had hated the names and agreed to never use them, and she had been kind enough not to mention them in front of anyone else…then, anyway. Of course, it didn't bother me at all that she used it with Alice now, and I found I had even missed it. I reached up and squeezed her shoulder, and she patted my hand in response.

She flashed me a smile in the rearview mirror and was all business once again as she said, "So…I've been thinking about this. We have a serious problem. How the hell are we going to talk about the guys? I mean, I'm probably safe to talk about Emmett, but I sure as fuck don't want to know Jasper's been anywhere near a bed, let alone how he is in it." I shuddered.

We sat in silence for a minute before Alice's soft voice said, "Eww. Edward."

"Hey!" I reached up, smacking Alice's shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with Edward!"

Rosalie and Alice dissolved into giggles, and I had to join them. When we'd calmed down, Alice said, "I know…and believe me, I'm really glad that you two are together. But the thought of my brother even wanting to do anything just…squicks me out."

My mouth had been open to speak, but Alice's words brought me up short, and I closed it, blushing furiously.

She continued, her voice quieter and more sincere, "Seriously, I hated to see Edward all alone for so long, and I couldn't be happier that he found someone – especially since it's you – but it was kind of nice living in the Edward-isn't-interested bubble."

I bit my tongue, remembering Edward's past and struggling with the feelings of inadequacy it always conjured. Alice doesn't know, I reminded myself. I shoved it all to the side, forcing a smile as I looked up again. Rosalie arched an eyebrow at me, but thankfully didn't push it.

Instead, she said, "Alright, so here's the deal then. No names. No specifics. And no one is anyone's brother or roommate or, hell, even friend while we're in this car. Got it?"

Alice and I glanced at each other, and I shrugged. She grinned in response, and we both joined in with Rose, setting up ground rules and boundaries. Alice decided we needed a safe word – a word that meant that the person speaking had to stop right then, no questions asked.

I caught the smirk on Rosalie's lips as she looked me right in the eye and said, "Optimus."

I smirked right back. "No way. I was thinking Hello Kitty."

Rose laughed, and eventually we settled on "smurf" instead, sticking with the cartoon theme. Once we'd all agreed on the rules of our exchange, I was a little overwhelmed. "Is it always this complicated?" I asked.

The other two chuckled and assured me that it never was…but then, they'd never been in a situation quite like this one. "Okay," Alice said. "First kiss." She wrinkled her nose, grinning as she avoided names.

I rolled my eyes. "The whole world saw ours. So let's hear about Rose and Em…err…him."

Rosalie smiled, and it was the sweetest expression I'd seen on her face since she was a little girl. She told us about how she and her boyfriend – the not using names was actually kind of fun, and we kept giggling stupidly whenever someone nearly slipped up – went for a walk and ended up at this little coffee shop. He suggested they take their coffee outside, and they walked a little further before they found a beautiful view of Elliot Bay. They stood there talking, wrapped up and huddled together against the wind coming off the bay.

"He took my coffee from me and put both cups on the railing in front of us, and then he took my hands. He asked if it would be alright to kiss me…" Rosalie bit her bottom lip and smiled, a light pink gracing her cheeks. "No one had ever asked me that before."

"What did you say?" Alice's voice sounded breathless, making me realize she was just as absorbed in Rosalie's story as I was.

When did I become such a sap?

"I said yes, of course!" Rosalie grinned mischievously. "And it was amazing…and then afterward, I told him it was about fucking time."

"Rosalie Lillian Hale!" She shrugged at my outburst, and we all laughed together. We kept talking, learning about Alice and Jasper's first kiss before moving on to our first dates.

Although it was awkward at first for me to talk about Edward, I found that as we continued, I liked it more and more. It made the whole thing more…real, in some ways. It felt good to watch Alice and Rosalie smile and hear them aww about some of the sweeter things he had done.

Alice chimed in about how Edward had always been a charmer. She claimed he could get away with anything with their mother because he knew just how to smile at her and when to bring her flowers. She grudgingly added, "Of course, it didn't help that he was always sincere." She made a face.

Rosalie decided then that we were skirting too close to mentioning the guys by name, and she steered us away again, asking about the stupidest thing the guys had done. We stayed on silly topics for the longest time before Alice said, "Okay. Best kiss?"

Immediately, my mind went back to the night before. I could nearly feel Edward lying beneath me, and the ghosts of his hands gently squeezing my breasts made my breath quicken. The heat on my cheeks was nearly unbearable, and Rosalie, naturally, caught it.

She arched an eyebrow at me in the rearview mirror and said, "Well, well…I think Bella may want to go first…"

I cleared my throat, suddenly nervous. I'd actually really enjoyed the whole conversation so far, but this felt so…personal. I debated, trying to decide what I could say that would be in keeping with the spirit of the "club" but wouldn't violate Edward's privacy. "Well…" I began. "Umm…it was last night, when we went to bed. We were kissing, and Ed…he…was lying on his back, and I-"

I was cut off by the sound of Alice's voice shrieking, "Smurf! Smurf! Oh dear god, smurf!"

My eyes were wide, the whole car in stunned silence before Rosalie suddenly burst out laughing. Relief flooded through me as I joined in, and soon Alice was laughing as well.

"I'm sorry, Bella," she said, "but just…Edward…and…no. Just no." She shuddered, making me snicker at her. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

I completely agreed, and even Rose conceded that we were moving into dangerous territory. The two of them began talking about shopping instead, with Rosalie mentioning sales she was looking forward to on Black Friday while Alice moaned about missing it this year. I settled back in my seat, letting their voices wash over me as I looked out the window. The sun had set as we talked, and I watched the black forms looming at the edge of the highway as they seemed to speed by.

I must've dozed off because I was suddenly startled into alertness when Rosalie said, "Hell, yes," and cranked the volume on her stereo as Vince Neil's voice sang, "Rat-tailed Jimmy is a second hand hood, deals out in Hollywood."

I blinked when Alice began singing along, dancing in her seat, and then laughed out loud, joining her. I don't know why, but I hadn't expected her to know '80s hair bands. Rosalie, however, was just short of obsessed, and I knew she had more than enough to keep us occupied all the way to Forks.

We spent the rest of the drive laughing and singing together, dancing and tossing our hair. I can only imagine what we must've looked like, but I didn't fucking care. It was some of the most carefree fun I'd had in years that didn't involve Jasper. We worked our way through Bon Jovi and Def Leppard, sang a few songs from Cinderella and even the Scorpions, and were singing along with Poison when we pulled into the Hales' driveway.

The guys parked and got out, but none of us made a move to leave. Rosalie put the car in park and turned around to Alice and me, playing air guitar. We were singing at the top of our lungs, "'Cause, baby, we'll be at the drive-in in the old man's Ford, behind the bushes…"

We finished the song, and my ears rang when Rose turned the key and shut the car off. We were giggling as we staggered out, feeling somehow silly drunk. I glanced over and caught sight of Edward's car. All three of the guys were leaning against it with their arms crossed, amused expressions on their faces.

Edward was the first to push away and walk toward us, just as the porch light flipped on and the front door opened. I watched as Mama and Papa Hale stepped out on the porch, and a sense of peace washed over me as I thought only one word.

Home.

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A/N: The chapter title is from a Motley Crue song. The songs Bella and the girls hear in the car are "Cherry Pie" by Warrant, "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue, and "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison.

I was asked to write a guest recommendation for The Lazy, Yet Discerning Ficster blog, and in doing my research, I came across a story I just can't get enough of. I will be recommending "Sleepers, Awake" (which has a complicated German name as well, but SC and German don't mix well) by Feisty Y. Beden. The plot is unique and makes me ache for the characters. Her writing is amazing and completely blows me away. Please check it out and leave her some love if you get the chance.

JOotG Chapter 24 - Blister in the Sun

2010-04-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

A/N: Special thanks to kimberlycullen10 and naelany for keeping me sane and reading – and re-reading – this chapter as I went along!

I don't own anything you recognize. More A/N at the bottom – thank you so much for reading!

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EPOV

Weirdest. Fucking. Week. Ever.

My thoughts were a tangled snarl as I navigated the streets of Seattle, taking Bella and me back to her place. It was not long after 3:00 on Tuesday afternoon, and although she was singing softly beside me, I couldn't help but wonder if she was upset that we'd left my apartment so early.

I felt like a complete ass for suggesting we leave half an hour before we needed to, but I really couldn't take it anymore. After lying on my bed, kissing and caressing her for hours, I was reaching the point where I was sure to do something I'd regret, despite having jacked off in the shower while Bella waited in my living room. Apparently all the guilt I felt over that particular act was pointless - I shouldn't have even bothered doing it since I was out of control anyway.

Feeling the tension in my forehead, I knew my brow was furrowed and I was likely frowning, but I did nothing to try to hide it. The afternoon had been singularly amazing – yet I was overcome with foreboding.

It was just so fucking fast.

All of it.

Only Thursday, we'd had wings with Emmett at the bar, and he'd accidentally-on-purpose alluded to my questionable past. That had led to me revealing all of it…which had led to Bella jumping in my lap. From there, everything had moved so quickly – it was like we were goddamn Indiana Jones being chased by that big ass boulder.

I seriously hoped we didn't end up fucking flattened.

I glanced at Bella out of the corner of my eye and saw that she was gazing pensively out of her window, absently singing a line here and there as she watched the buildings pass by. A hollow ache sounded in my chest every time I realized that I was just waiting for it…waiting for her to freak out.

I didn't know if it was fair, but I knew that was what I was afraid of. She'd handled everything so well so far. And I knew I should just be happy with that, but I just…I just didn't think she was well. Bella's problems ran far deeper than a few kisses could heal, and I hurt for her.

For us.

She still looked over her shoulder, even when there was no one there. She cringed when someone got too close – I'd even seen it just earlier today when she turned suddenly and realized Emmett was right beside her. I was so unbelievably proud of her for the way she'd faced so many of her fears to be with me, but there was much more there that she needed to deal with.

That we needed to deal with.

Bella was the one for me. There was not a single shred of doubt in my mind. Jasper was right when he said I was one lucky bastard – even if he didn't know it was me he was talking about at the time. Bella wanted me, and she loved me, and I knew in my very core that I would always be there with her.

I hadn't felt this goddamn good in years.

"Squished a rotten peach in my fist and dreamed about you, woman…" Bella's quiet voice broke through my thoughts as she sang.

I snorted and shook my head, glancing over to catch her staring vaguely out the window. She looked back at me, the confused expression on her face dissolving into a grin as she said, "What?"

I grinned in return. "Nothing…" I shrugged and turned my eyes back to the road.

She punched me lightly on the arm and muttered, "Don't make fun of my singing!"

I laughed. "No, it's not that. I like your voice. It's just umm…strange to hear you singing that."

She didn't answer, remaining silent for a moment. When I heard her singing, "Millions of peaches, peaches for me," I looked over and found her smirking at me.

Effortlessly, she lightened my mood and made me forget those countless things I brooded about when I was left too much alone with my thoughts. We spent the rest of the drive teasing each other and talking about the songs that played from what she called my "terminally random" playlist. I shifted my eyes to her just as Debussy's Reverie began, and she looked at me pointedly, shaking her head with a fond smile. I shrugged and laced my fingers through hers while she said, "Absolutely terminal…"

A relaxed, content atmosphere pervaded the interior of the car as I parked at her complex. My frustrations – both sexual and otherwise – were forgotten in the ease and…just fucking joy of being so comfortable with her. I lifted our hands, kissing the back of hers before squeezing it once and letting it go. Bella waited as I walked around the car and opened her door – I really appreciated the way she seemed to just know I enjoyed doing that for her. I knew she thought it was a little silly, but deep down, I thought she appreciated it too.

She smiled up at me as we started walking toward her door, and I felt her slip her little pinkie into mine. Our hands swung idly between us as we walked, enjoying the moment of serenity before Bella turned her key in the lock, opened the door…and all hell broke loose.

In reality, there was nothing all that wild going on, but after the relative quiet of our afternoon together, the sound of Quil's voice yelling at Jake to bring him a drink was jarring.

"What do you want?" came Jake's annoyed reply from the kitchen.

Bella glanced up at me and shrugged, grinning wryly. She lifted on her toes, kissing my jaw, and I wrapped my arms around her in response, pulling her close as I pressed my lips to hers. I thought I heard a muttered, "Ugh," and straightened, looking over Bella's head to see Jake's back as he disappeared into the living room.

Rolling my eyes, I looked down and saw Bella grimace. "Fucking ass," she muttered under her breath. My grin was far wider than the situation warranted, but it was great to hear her be so dismissive of him. She gazed up at me with a knowing grin and said, "You're cute," then took my hand, and we walked toward the living room.

Felix was again sprawled across the couch, while Jasper and Alice were cuddled up on the loveseat. Jared was sitting in the recliner with a laptop, typing away furiously with a smile on his face, and Jake and Quil were sitting in the floor, eyes focused on the TV as they played football on the Xbox 360 and talked trash. The room seemed packed as usual, so it took a moment for me to realize that not everyone was here. It looked like Jane and Paul were still…wherever they'd run off to. Bella had filled me in on what had happened between Alice and Jane, and I wondered if the bitch would even be brave enough to show her face again. I knew my little sister could take care of herself, but I'd be damned if I would let anyone fuck with her that way. Almost as if she knew what I was thinking, Alice glanced over and shook her head. I grimaced, and she smiled before turning slightly, resting her head on Jasper's chest.

Apparently I'd stopped and was standing in the doorway looking because Bella tugged at my hand with a chuckle and led me a few steps into the room. We sat on the floor in front of Felix's nest as Jasper asked if we'd had a good time. I was surprised to see a teasing look on his face, and he glanced at Bella meaningfully. He laughed when she blushed, and several different conversations struck up at once, leaving me free to try to figure out this new acceptance by Jasper. I had known, of course, that he was cool with me now…but teasing Bella about our physical relationship seemed like such a huge leap. He looked more relaxed than I'd ever seen him, which seemed strange, given that both his best friend and his twin sister were suddenly in relationships with guys he barely knew.

During a break in the basketball game this morning, Emmett had told me about his date with Rosalie. I'd been surprised to learn that they really hadn't done…anything yet. At all. So unlike Emmett, but then again, I'm sure he'd thought the same thing about me nearly two years ago when I'd just stopped.

Just like that asshole to find the one he's looking for after a couple of weeks.

10 days for him, nearly 600 for me.

Motherfucker.

I frowned, staring at the pattern in the rug in front of me. Bella scooted a little closer and wiggled her way under my arm, turning a bit so her back was resting against my chest as she said, "Nah, Embry went with devoted cleric…his highest is wisdom." Smiling, I turned and kissed the top of her head, relaxing against the couch as I listened to her talk to Jasper.

Totally fucking worth the wait.

After spending days looking through books and talking to Bella, I now had some idea of what she and Jasper were discussing, so I joined in the conversation. Alice chimed in from time to time, talking animatedly about the warlock she'd made. Before long, there was a knock at the door, and the couch shifted as Felix stood with a groan and went to answer it, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket.

As if that were some sort of sign, everyone was suddenly in motion. Jake snickered as he scored a final touchdown and reached up to turn the Xbox off. Quil was protesting, saying he still had over three minutes left, but Jake told him that food always meant the end of the game. The two were still arguing as they disappeared into the kitchen, the clatter of plates and silverware muffling the voices of Felix and the delivery guy at the door.

Bella stood and stretched, Jasper mirroring her motions until Alice tickled his ribs. He laughed and hugged her close as I stood up, and when they walked toward the dining room, he punched me on the shoulder, his attention still on Alice as she talked.

I chuckled, shaking my head as we followed behind them. Felix walked into the dining room just after us, and a flurry of activity began – containers being unpacked as plates were passed down the line and people reached over each other.

"What do you want to drink, sweetpea?" Felix asked from the end of the table. Once Bella said she'd take sweet tea, he turned to me and said, "E?"

I told him I'd have the same and felt Bella's arm slip around my waist as she murmured, "E, huh? He likes you."

"Yeah?" I asked, glancing down as I wrapped my arms around her.

She giggled quietly as she nodded. "Definitely. Once they stop calling you by your name, you're in. They have some sort of allergic reaction to using real names with their friends."

I felt a little stupid for the ridiculous smile I'm sure was on my face as we settled in at the gaming table to eat. I realized as I was eating my first bite of shrimp fried rice that I'd grown used to the babble of all the different voices around me. I was simultaneously carrying on a conversation with Jasper about WoW – he was trying to convince me and Alice to play - and talking to Felix about the Seahawks' chances for winning their Thanksgiving Day game against Dallas.

"No fucking way, man," I said, shaking my head at Felix. "Romo looked good on Sunday, and Seattle's been playing like shit. They haven't won since…what? October?"

"I don't know…that Redskins game was close," Felix began in protest, but he was cut off as Emmett and Rosalie walked in. They were holding hands, and both of them were goddamn glowing.

I turned in my chair, examining Emmett as he reached out his left hand toward Felix, who smacked it with a grin as he said, "Em, man! Good to see you back – knew you wouldn't miss the chance to gloat."

Emmett's smile was easy and relaxed as he answered, pulling out a chair for Rosalie as if it were the most natural thing in the world. From the corner of my eye, I saw her exchange a significant glance with Bella and Alice, who both giggled. I cut my eyes around to Bella, but she gazed up at me innocently, no trace in her expression that anything had happened at all.

Hmm…not getting anything out of her this time.

I was going to have to talk to Emmett soon.

Rosalie and Alice struck up a conversation, and I caught bits and pieces of Christmas plans as I thought about Jasper's revelation that he was going to ask Alice to marry him. She'd say yes – I was sure of it – which meant that eventually Rosalie and Alice would be sisters-in-law. I was glad to see they were getting along so well, and it really looked like everything was falling into place for my little sister. I wasn't sure when he was planning to ask her, so I wondered if it might be at Christmas. Of course, if he proposed without talking to our father…

I smirked.

Need to talk to fucking Jasper, too.

Carlisle was an easygoing person, and it wasn't as though he would really say no – it was completely Alice's decision – but Jasper would definitely gain a lot of points by talking to him about it beforehand.

Meeting him might be a good step, too.

I glanced down at Bella, realizing that I needed to ask her to come home with me as well. It had been such a long time since I'd asked anyone to meet my parents, and the last had really been more necessity than anything else. When you start dating someone before you can drive, you have to get there some way. My parents would love her - that much I knew - but I wasn't sure how she would feel about it. Chicago was a long way to go when you weren't sure what was waiting for you on the other side.

"Hey, Fuckward. I'm talking to you." I felt a sharp pain in my shin as Emmett kicked me.

"God damn it, Emmett." I straightened up, kicking him back before I pulled my foot under my chair so my leg was out of reach. "What?"

"How can you say the Seahawks don't have a chance? What kind of fan are you?"

"A realist," I smirked, and was forced to abandon my introspection as I dissected the upcoming game with Emmett and Felix. We were still talking when Embry and Alex returned, their eyes red and a little puffy.

What the fuck? Have they been crying?

I glanced at Bella, who snickered and shrugged, prompting me to look back at the guys. This time, I took in the subtle, lazy smile on Embry's face and the way Alex blinked slowly and then opened his eyes wide, peering around curiously.

Oh. He really was high…

I chuckled as Bella stood up and took both our empty dishes to the kitchen, returning with a small stack of clean plates. The newcomers quickly settled in, piling food on their plates in silence before they sat back and ate.

Within a few minutes, I heard the front door open for the final time, and I knew Paul had to be back. The only question was whether or not Jane had returned as well.

Paul's glower was the first thing I saw when he came walking through the doorway. His eyes were narrowed, and he was wearing his perpetual sneer. I didn't notice Jane behind him until he moved to the side, walking around the table to sit. Jane, however, hovered in the doorway, looking more unsure than I had ever seen her. Her eyes were downcast and her shoulders slumped, her posture screaming both insecurity and reluctance.

"Alice?" Her quiet voice broke through the noise in the room, and all the conversations halted at once.

Alice's eyes were huge as her head swung around to look at Jane. "What?" she asked, sounding more surprised than angry.

Jane stood up a bit straighter, irritably swiping at the hair that had fallen into her pale blue eyes. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Alice pushed away from the table without a word, her movements made crisp by her irritation now that she'd gotten over the initial shock. I started to stand, intent on going to protect Alice, but Bella put her hand on my knee, gripping it as I saw her shake her head out of the corner of my eye. Jasper automatically stood as well, but Alice put her hand on his arm and whispered something to him. He frowned and shook his head minutely, and the two of them bent closer together, having a heated, hushed argument that ended nearly before it began. In the end, Jasper stood at the end of the table with his arms crossed over his chest as he watched her follow Jane out of the room.

Silence reigned until we heard the click of the front door, and then conversations resumed seamlessly as if the mute button had been pressed on the TV. I shot Jasper a sympathetic look, knowing how hard it must be for him to let Alice go like that. He sighed and shoved his fingers through his hair before he stalked out of the room, standing just in our line of sight in the hallway as he glared at the front door.

I was aware that no one else seemed to care what was going on outside. They were all talking and arguing and laughing just like always, but the knot in my gut was only reinforced by Jasper's vigilant pose. Bella felt my tension and kept her hand on my knee though she knew better than to try to engage me in conversation just then. Instead, she talked to Felix on the other side of me, her thumb rubbing lightly on the outside of my thigh.

In only a few minutes, the door opened again, and Jasper's arms moved from in front of his chest, his hands resting near his hips as he stuck his thumbs through his belt loops. I could tell by the set of his jaw and the way he raised his chin that Jane was the one who had returned. I couldn't take the suspense anymore and pushed away from the table, turning my chair and leaning back a bit so I could see down the hallway.

Jane was standing a couple of feet away from Jasper, her cheeks flushed as she asked him to come outside with her. Without answering, Jasper began walking, his arms swinging at his sides as his thumbs slipped free again. Jane turned and led the way, and they were soon out of sight. When the door closed once more, Bella leaned over and kissed just in front of my ear, saying, "Alice is alright. Promise."

My eyes flickered to her as I gave a tight smile, but I rested my hand on top of hers, rubbing absently with my thumb as I nodded. She leaned close again to whisper, "You're adorable when you're all protective like that…"

I finally gave a true smile, intertwining our fingers as I moved her hand and leaned forward to rest my elbows on my knees. I made a new effort to rejoin the conversation with Emmett and Felix, and I felt Bella squeeze my hand in approval while she and Quil teased Embry. My attention was still focused on the conversation taking place on the front porch, so it was a relief when I heard the door open yet again.

"Alright, get your shit together…we start in fifteen. Anyone not ready to go is an NPC tonight," Bella announced as she stood up. The guys groaned as one and began quickly cleaning up the remnants of the meal. Plates clanked together as some began loading the dishwasher while others began pulling books and dice from backpacks. Jared retrieved his laptop and had started setting it up at his place when Bella pulled on my hand and dragged me toward the open doorway. There, she caught Jasper's wrist and said, "Come with me."

Jasper was holding Alice's hand, and we were all three pulled in Bella's wake as she marched straight into the office and dropped our hands. She shut the door and stood in front of it with her arms crossed over her chest. "What the fuck was that about?"

"She wanted to apologize for the way she's been acting." Alice shrugged, her voice a good bit softer than Bella's had been.

My girlfriend made no attempt to lower her voice, though. "Really?" Her eyes were wide as Alice nodded. "And you believed her?"

With a small grin, Alice said, "A bit. She wanted to talk to Jasper alone, too. You saw how that went."

Bella shook her head slowly, clearly mystified. "I wonder why the hell she did that…"

Jasper snorted as Alice grinned broadly. He leaned toward us and muttered, "Apparently Paul clued her in to the fact that she was acting like a desperate whore."

Bella blinked and then snickered as she said, "Well, he never does hold back, that's for sure." Jasper agreed and chuckled before he turned toward the bookcase. He and Alice began gathering the books they would need, and Bella tugged on my shirt. I bent toward her, hearing her whisper, "Bet you anything he said that shit after he slept with her…"

Without waiting for an answer, she stepped away and began pulling her books off the shelf, leaving me standing there stunned. She rarely spoke so…nonchalantly about sex. Sure, it was about someone else, but it was one of those things that always seemed to catch me off guard. I think I sometimes forgot that Bella wasn't nearly as inexperienced – or naïve - as she seemed.

When I saw her standing with a huge stack of book in her hands, I quickly opened the door and then went over to take them from her. She refused to give me all of them but relented somewhat, letting me take half. We joined everyone else at the table, and I watched as Bella smoothly turned on the light of her wooden DM screen, dumped her bag of dice unceremoniously on the tabletop, and sorted them swiftly with a precision that baffled me. Soon, they were all lined up in rows according to the number of sides, and she'd somehow even managed to create a pattern with the colors that had me shaking my head. She tossed my small green velvet dice bag to me with a wink, glanced at the clock, and said, "Damn…you're all here a minute early. Guess you all get to play tonight."

With that, the game began. Just like it had been when she was raiding, it was a fucking turn on to watch Bella take control. She called for rolls and settled arguments between the guys. When Alex and Embry kept giggling together, she separated the two of them, sending Alex down to the other end of the table beside Jasper.

I was surprised to find that Alex was one of the better players. Even in his current state, he asked intelligent questions, and he seemed to see things most of them missed. He was also funny as fuck, making up haikus on the spot and cracking jokes at everyone's expense – most often Paul's. I thought he just liked to piss him off – and I completely approved – up until I noticed he was occasionally shooting glances at Jane, who was rather subdued.

Oh…

He didn't like Paul fucking around with his sister. I could definitely understand that, but I didn't quite get his response. If one of these fucks had been treating Alice that way, I would've beaten the shit out of him by now.

"I reach out and touch the mirror," Quil said as a couple of the guys groaned in protest. I'd been only vaguely aware of the game going on around me, and his voice made me blink as I looked at Bella to see if she needed me to do anything.

Quil shrugged with a grin, and Jake muttered, "Goddamn halfling's going to get us killed…" He spoke up, saying, "I'm going to grab Merric by the collar."

"Roll initiative," was all Bella said.

The rattle of dice rose around the table before the guys began calling out their numbers, and I quickly wrote them down on a sticky note. I rearranged them and jotted down the order on another note for Bella and put it in front of her. She glanced down with a smirk and said, "Alright, Lindal, you're up first."

Embry, who was playing Quil's brother, chuckled and shifted his eyes to the left, exchanging a brief look with Quil. "What do I notice?" he asked.

Bella described the situation for him, clarifying everyone's position with miniatures carefully arranged on the mat spread across the table. She again described the cave they were standing in, finishing with, "You see Merric standing just in front of a large, roughly oval-shaped depression in the wall. It seems to be some sort of obsidian, and the surface is so highly polished that you can see his dim reflection in it. He's only inches away, his hand outstretched, and he seems intent on touching it."

Embry thought for a moment and then shifted back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. "I watch."

A few seats down, Paul swore under his breath as Quil's grin widened. It was now his turn, and he said again, "I'm going to touch the mirror." He mimed reaching forward, asking Bella what he felt.

"The stone is warmer to the touch than you anticipated. It feels smooth and hard at first, but then it gives way, your fingers sinking through the surface," Bella said.

Quil said he pulled back, and a frenzy of activity began as Bella described something coming through the mirror, saying, "You see a shadow moving forward through the black stone, its shape strangely bulbous with what seem to be tentacles dangling below. The tip of a beak presses through the stone."

The next several minutes were a blur of dice rolls for checks and attacks – everyone doing everything from trying to figure out what the thing was to trying to kill it. Bella described it as what seemed to be a huge brain with tentacles, and Emmett caught my eye, raising his eyebrows suggestively and making me snort and roll my eyes in response. By the time Jared said, "Fuck, it's a grell! That damn thing's venomous…" Merric was already wrapped up in the tentacles, being held several feet off the ground. He was stunned and staring straight ahead while the grell moved off to the side and a few others followed through the mirror.

The combat was intense and went on for far longer than I would've thought. Rosalie's warrior was impressive, stepping in front of the rest of the group and managing to keep the attention of nearly all the grell. She yelled out curses and swung her imaginary hammer as she attacked, and I chuckled at the enamored expression on Emmett's face as he watched her.

Jasper and Alice made a good team, standing away from the rest of the group as Jasper's elf fired arrows into the fight. Alice was really getting into her role, spreading her hands out in front of her and calling out made-up words as her warlock cast spells. She giggled a few times, and she clapped her hands when she killed her first monster – she was obviously having a great time. Embry celebrated with her, and Jared gave her a high five from his seat beside her.

Though she remained solemn, Jane's wizard worked efficiently, and I noticed that she chose many of the same targets Alice did, subtly working to help bring them down.

The rest of the guys all had clearly defined roles, and they were used to working as a group. Jake was a natural leader, keeping the others focused and helping to make sure no one fell. He and Bella had a strange chemistry when they worked together this way, and they often finished each other's sentences and exchanged knowing looks. I really wasn't sure what to think of that, but it was my thigh that Bella's hand was resting on, and I was the one she leaned over to whisper to, so I tried not to dwell too much on the fact that she and Jacob gamed well together.

Paul stood up midway through the fight, and he paced behind his chair, muttering to himself and running his fingers through his hair. On his turn, he'd stop and grip the back of his chair, leaning over to roll his dice. When he made a terrible roll and his character fumbled and dropped his dagger, I thought he was literally going to pull his hair out by the roots. Embry just made Paul seethe more when he said, "Tough break, Paul…I guess rogues can't always be dexterous," with an innocent expression.

By the end, tempers were running high all around, and there was an impressive pile of bodies on the miniatures mat surrounding the victorious party members. Embry's character was busy trying to help Jared's dwarf revive his brother when Alex said, "Curious halfling - Leave shiny mirrors alone - Brain with beak goes crunch."

Everyone laughed, even Quil and Paul, and Bella told the guys they were out of combat. As the party regrouped and healed up, she announced a fifteen minute break, and there was a collective groan as people stood and stretched. The room was nearly empty quicker than I would've thought possible, everyone disappearing to the bathroom or to the kitchen for a snack. Only Jared, typing away on his laptop, and Alex, making a few of the miniatures battle each other, were left when Bella glanced over at me and smiled softly.

"So…what do you think?" she asked.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "That was way different than I expected…"

"Really?" Both her eyebrows were raised as she looked at me curiously.

"Yeah, just…I guess I expected more…umm…" I trailed off, not wanting to offend her.

"Dorkiness?" Bella supplied with a wry grin.

I laughed. "Yeah, something like that. I don't know. I guess I was thinking of the video games I've played where you're in character all the time. And, you know, those videos of people in capes and shit. It's kind of hard to understand until you see it, you know?" I shrugged and then leaned in a little closer. "Is Paul always like that?"

Jared laughed suddenly, but when we glanced up, he was still staring at his screen. He shook his head and typed something again, so I looked back at Bella. Her eyes were soft as she murmured, "He always talks to Kim during our breaks." She cleared her throat and raised her voice a bit. "Yeah, he's kind of intense…he's actually calmed down a little, if you can believe it."

We spent the next few minutes talking about the game, and Bella showed me a few of the things coming up so that I could help her when she needed it. We lined up miniatures behind the screen, looked over monster cards, exchanged a few soft, sweet kisses, and all too soon, the guys were all back around the table.

The next few hours passed in a blur of conversation and die rolls and laughter. I'd never seen so much Mountain Dew consumed, and I was pretty sure some of the guys were going to be pissing green for a week. We ordered pizza around 10:00 and took a longer break when it arrived. Bella grabbed a pizza still in the box while I picked up a few beers, and we went to sit with Felix in the living room, more for a change of scenery than anything else.

"Thanks, sweetpea," he said when Bella opened the box on the coffee table. He ruffled her hair, and the grin she gave him in response was so adorable. I was finally able to see their relationship clearly – she looked at him as an older brother. Alice used to look at me like that when she was a kid. She still did sometimes – albeit very fucking rarely now. Watching Bella and Felix, I could see the little bit of hero worship she had for him.

He asked her about her thesis, and I listened as Bella talked about working a few of the holy sonnets into her paper. Felix nodded thoughtfully and asked questions, and it was clear to me that she'd talked to him about it several times before. Finally, she kissed my cheek and whispered, "I'll be right back," as she stood up and left the room.

I looked back at Felix as I picked up another piece of pizza. "You like Donne?"

"Hell, no. Most of the time I don't have a fucking clue what she's talking about, but I know enough to listen." He shrugged and grinned. "I've picked up a little bit along the way."

I laughed with him, and he changed the subject, asking me about med school. When Bella hadn't returned a few minutes later, he leaned toward me, resting his elbows on his knees and lowering his head a bit as he said, "Hey…thanks, man. Not to get all sentimental and shit, but she looks so much better than she has in a long time. She cares about you. And you make her happy."

We looked at each other for a minute, and then I said, "I know. Don't fuck it up, right?"

He gave me half a grin with a wink and downed the last of his beer as Bella flopped back down on the floor beside me. Felix smoothly turned the conversation back to the Seahawks, and the three of us talked for a few more minutes before Bella patted my leg and said it was time to go back. As we were leaving, Felix settled back on the couch, stretching out with his ankles crossed on the far arm, and I heard the canned laughter of a sitcom from the TV.

I lost track of how much time passed as we played, but when Embry yawned, I gave a jaw-cracking yawn in response, making my eyes water. I glanced at the clock and was surprised to see that it was just after 1:00. I blinked several times, rolling dice for the band of mercenaries the party had stumbled upon. My reactions seemed to be slowing, and I was thankful when the fighting ended and Bella called the game for the night.

It seemed to take far too long to get everyone packed up and ready to go. The guys kept pausing, laughing about things that had happened during the night and talking animatedly about their plans for the next day. Bella was going to have breakfast ready at 9:00 for anyone who wanted it, and they were going to start gaming again an hour later. I tried not to be rude, hiding my yawns behind my fist, but I was fading fast. I'd gotten used to staying up far later than this, so I wasn't really sure why I was so tired.

Finally, everyone had been ushered out the door – everyone, that is, but the ones I'd come to think of as belonging here. We were standing in the kitchen talking quietly – Jasper was sitting on the counter with Alice leaning back against it between his legs. Her arms were resting on his thighs on either side of her hips, and she was laughing at something Rosalie said. Emmett was standing near Rosalie with his arms crossed over his chest, grinning as he teased Bella, who was leaning back against me. My arms were wrapped around her, my fingers in her belt loops as I rested my chin lazily on her head. I could feel my eyes closing and made myself straighten up, pulling Bella a little more tightly against me. She folded her arms over mine, patting my hand gently.

She pushed away from me, and I know I frowned like a petulant child until I heard her say, "I'm exhausted…I think we're going to bed."

Emmett looked over at me with an eyebrow raised pointedly. I shrugged, giving him what was probably a cocky grin, though I didn't really mean it to be. Bella had invited me to stay tonight when we were at my apartment, so – for once – I'd brought a backpack with a change of clothes and a few other things.

Emmett smirked and said, "Come on, Rosie…I'll take you home." Rosalie blushed, the pink looking completely foreign on her cheeks. She hugged her brother, who whispered something that made her punch him in the gut, causing him to bend over with an -oof- before she wrapped Alice in a hug and kissed her cheek. Em began making his rounds as well, giving Jasper the one-armed guy hug while Rosalie came over to us. She hugged us both at once, kissing our cheeks as she said goodnight.

We all wandered toward the front door as Rosalie and Emmett left, and as soon as Jasper locked the door, he turned around, yawning, and said they were going to bed, too.

"Don't stay up too late, young lady," he teased Bella, tickling her ribs as he passed. "You have a busy day tomorrow."

The sight of Jasper disappearing into his bedroom with my little sister was an odd one. I felt a faint urge to go pull her out and demand to know what the fuck she thought she was doing…but the sight of my Bella yawning beside me and mumbling, "Come on…let's go to bed," was enough to overcome my brotherly instincts.

I'd just have to try to forget the fact that Alice and Jasper were obviously more physically involved than Bella and I were.

Just pray to God they're too tired to do anything tonight…

I grimaced and took Bella's hand, leading her down the hall to her room. We spent a few minutes getting ready for bed, brushing our teeth side-by-side as we stole glances at each other in the mirror. As tired as I had been, I found myself slowly waking up as I watched her. She leaned over, cupping her hands beneath the faucet to rinse her mouth out, and I caught myself staring at her ass and the way she bent one knee toward the cabinet.

When she straightened and dried her face with a towel, I blinked and forced myself back in motion, finishing up quickly before I went back into her room. I unzipped my backpack and searched through, pulling out my pajama pants before returning to the bathroom. I made sure to give Bella a few extra minutes, using the restroom and changing my pants. I took my time washing my hands and then looked at myself in the mirror, idly messing with my hair and trying to get it to pretend it liked my scalp. No luck, of course – it still looked like it was trying to escape.

Feeling somewhat stupid, I knocked on the bathroom door from the inside and heard Bella's quiet giggle. "Come in," she called with amusement clear in her voice.

A wide grin was already on my face as I opened the door, flipping off the light. My sarcastic comment faded on my lips at the sight of Bella sitting on her bed. Her hair was down, cascading over her slender shoulders and ending just above the purple-and-yellow "WASHINGTON" emblazoned on her chest. I tried not to stare, but when I moved my eyes, they simply roamed down her body, noting the thin purple shorts she was wearing in place of her normal flannel pants. For the first time, I could see her legs and, though they were pale, they were more toned than I'd realized. I felt my dick twitch in my boxers at the thought of her wrapping those legs around me, and I swallowed hard.

Wide fucking awake now, aren't you?

Hell yes, I was.

I couldn't think. At all. I just acted. I walked toward the bed, tossing my jeans to the floor along the way. When I got to her, Bella smiled up at me and welcomed me into her arms as we kissed. I kept moving, pressing her back onto the mattress so that I was lying on top of her. Her hands slid down my back, caressing my sides and pulling me closer as our lips parted and our tongues began to move together. My right leg was on the mattress, my left thrown over her, and her knees slowly shifted apart, mine coming to rest between hers.

Everything was a blur of soft skin and quiet sighs and tongues and lips and the subtle abrasion of teeth. Strangely, the fresh, minty taste of her toothpaste mingled sensually with the scent of her strawberry shampoo, creating an intoxicating combination I never would have imagined would be appealing.

It sure as hell was now.

Bella's hands were all over me – reaching up to grip my shoulders, sliding down to rub along my back. They stalled just around my hips before I felt her slowly, tentatively, move them downward. Her hands hovered there, palms barely touching my ass, as she pulled back slightly and whispered breathlessly, "Is this okay?"

"God yes…" I managed before my lips were on hers again. The pressure from her hands increased gradually as we kissed until she was holding on firmly, fingers and palms kneading my ass. I kissed along her cheek to her ear, teasing the lobe with my teeth before sucking it between my lips. Letting go, I kissed my way down her neck, and one of her hands moved to the back of my head, holding it closer. She felt so fucking amazing beneath me, and nowhere in my mind was there any thought of stopping.

My arms were on either side of Bella's shoulders, and I was propped on my elbows, keeping my weight off of her. Without any thought, my left hand moved to her hip, gripping her through the fabric of her shirt.

My shirt.

She was shifting beneath me, subtle movements of her hips and shoulders, nearly writhing as I kissed the sweet skin at the hollow of her throat. My hand began its slow ascent, fingertips caressing her through the soft cotton. My fingers danced deftly across her ribs, running along the delicate rises much as they did on my piano keys.

"Edward…kiss me…" she breathed, and I lifted my head, our mouths joining once more as my thumb brushed the smooth curve of her breast. At her sharp intake of breath, I started to pull away, panic threatening to set in, but her moan soothed my fears and ignited my desire, and her fingers laced in my hair, holding my lips decisively to hers.

Her hand left my head, moving to my chest, where she shoved lightly. At once, I pulled my hand away and rolled to my side, trying to give her the space she needed. Instead of fear, though, I saw yearning in Bella's eyes as she pushed me further. I was lying on my back, my eyes wide as I watched her shift until she was on top of me. Her knees settled on either side of my hips, and I closed my eyes for a moment, my hands clenched into fists on the mattress as I struggled to control myself and understand what was going on. My brain finally engaged, but I was aware of it only dimly as it tried to scream a warning at me.

She allowed me no time to recover, one hand tangling in my hair as the other cupped my cheek. She kissed my jaw, her hair forming a darkened curtain around my face as she worked her way to my ear and whispered, "No…don't stop…touch me, please…"

My hands relaxed, but I could feel the tension in my knuckles from how tightly they'd been balled into fists. They moved to her knees, and I caressed her gently, massaging my way up her thighs before my hands flitted over her hips. I held her waist, allowing myself to fully enjoy the sensation of kissing her. I willed my lips to slow, bringing her frenzied pace to something more loving, more sensual, though my body was screaming at me to let her do whatever the fuck she wanted to me.

Again, I let my hand unhurriedly traverse her ribs, my other hand resting on the small of her back as I held her close. Bella's kisses grew softer as her back arched, and I knew all the attention in the room was on my hand. My thumb lightly stroked her – once, twice, a third time – and then we both moaned as I moved my hand further and gently cupped her breast. Her lips pulled away from mine as she rested her forehead against mine, and my eyes flickered wildly over her face, struggling to read her expression as I held utterly still.

I was watching when she licked her lips and a slow smile spread across her face, her eyes closed as she pressed her chest toward mine. I knew her well enough to recognize the look of concentration and triumph on her face. Her expression made me smile, and I cautiously moved my hand, letting my thumb drift across her nipple. She bit her bottom lip in response, a soft sigh escaping her.

Unable to resist, I glanced downward, my own quiet moan joining hers when I saw my hand molded around Bella's breast. I tilted my head, needing to kiss her, to feel her, to be joined with her in the only way I could right now, and her lips met mine eagerly. Her tongue ran along my lower lip, and I parted them, kissing her passionately. I caressed her tenderly, my thumb teasing and circling her nipple as I gave us both time to adjust to this beautiful new experience.

Despite the heat behind our kisses, we were slowing, instinctively realizing together that this was far enough for tonight. My other hand moved from Bella's back, mimicking the journey of the first as I took both her breasts in hand, squeezing gently as I relished their soft weight in my palms, my lips never ceasing their adoration of the incredible woman lying here with me.

Her fingers began to loosen in my hair, her hands moving down to brush along my neck and shoulders, fingertips drifting delicately over my arms. I shifted my hands, slowly working my way back down her ribs until they were again resting on the small of her back, my fingers laced together against her bare skin as my thumbs stroked her.

She began pulling away slowly, smiling between the soft, light kisses she placed on my lips. I sensed the matching smile on my face, feeling completely blissed out as my arms loosened so she could move. She raised herself, sitting up astride me with her hands on my chest. Her pelvic bone dug into my throbbing cock at just the wrong point, and I hissed at the painful jolt, my hands on her hips lifting her up off of me.

In an instant, her face went from euphoric to nervous and apologetic, and she blurted out, "I'm sorry!" as she tried to scramble away from me.

I held her firmly, shifting her so that she was sitting a few inches forward, straddling my chest. "It's okay, sweetheart," I said softly, rubbing soothing circles along her hipbones with my thumbs. I gave her the crooked grin she seemed to love, trying to ignore the uncomfortable way my pants were pulled tightly across my crotch. "I'm fine…promise."

She looked unconvinced, so I lifted my head, stretching my neck until she bent forward to kiss me. Incredibly, her eyes began to shimmer with tears. "Bella?" At the sound of my voice, she squeezed her eyes shut, and the first of her tears dripped onto her cheeks.

Lying on my back with her above me left me feeling helpless, so I sat up, gathering her in my arms. I kissed her temple, whispering, "Shh…I'm alright, love…we're okay…" and countless other reassurances, trying to calm her. She wasn't sobbing, wasn't hysterical – she was simply crying quietly, her arms enveloping me while her hands gripped my shoulders.

She turned her head, resting her cheek on my shoulder as she held me close. We were rocking slowly on the bed, clinging together as though the other was a life preserver and we were surely drowning. I sensed Bella's tension, her fear, her uncertainty – for they were mine, too. I laid my cheek on her shoulder, and she inhaled deeply before sighing. She kissed my neck, and I gave a small smile, squeezing her and shifting her even closer. Her heat radiated over my dick, feeding the erection I tried to will away as her legs wrapped around me, her hand reaching up to play with my hair.

We sat that way in silence, calming and growing still, until she finally lifted her head, looking me in the eye. Her cheeks were streaked with her tears, and I brushed away the last of them with my thumb. "Are you alright?" My voice was quiet and gruff with emotion as I worried that maybe we'd rushed things and hit a breaking point for Bella.

She gave a weak smile, her lower lip trembling as she nodded. "I'm sorry," she whispered again, tracing my cheekbone with her thumb. She bit her bottom lip, and the expression on her face was so heartbreakingly vulnerable that I felt the pain deep in my chest.

"There's nothing to apologize for, sweetheart…we just moved a little too fast, that's all. We don't have to do this. Let's just go back to-"

"No." Bella's definitive answer cut me off just as surely as the finger she placed on my lips. I stopped mid-sentence, my eyebrows climbing toward my hairline as I watched her. She said nothing more, lowering her hand and looking at me levelly.

"But, Bella-"

"No, Edward."

I frowned at her, wishing she would explain – give me something to go on. Her forehead was wrinkled, a look of frustration on her face. I waited in silence, my eyes never leaving hers, until I had to speak. I whispered, "It's just too much…let's just take this slow, okay?"

Anger flashed in her eyes as her face fell. "I don't understand. Don't you…want me…?" She tore her eyes from mine, but not before I saw the pain there.

My mind recoiled as if I'd been slapped.

Not those words.

Not from Bella.

I was motionless, at a loss as to what to do. Anger seeped into my voice when I spoke, turning it colder and harder than I ever intended to use with Bella. "You have no idea how much I want you." I moderated my tone, taking a deep breath to collect myself and soften my voice. "I just think…I think we should slow down. Bella, love, I've waited for you my whole life…I can wait as long as it takes."

"This isn't about just you." Her words pulled me up short, and I sat up straighter, looking at her in confusion. Her cheeks bloomed pink, and the defiance faded from her eyes.

"Bella?" I finally managed.

She gave a strange noise somewhere between a groan and a growl and closed her eyes, her chin dropping so that I was left staring at the top of her head. I started rubbing her back slowly, trying to give her the time she needed. What she said next stunned me.

"Damn it, Edward, I want you so fucking bad, I can't stand it. I don't know how long I can wait." My cock jerked hard, and I felt pre-cum leaking from the tip.

God fucking damn.

Bella's head snapped up, and she looked at me, her eyes wide. Oh yeah, she felt it. Fuck. The hint of panic I saw there reinforced my belief that we were moving too quickly, and I gave her a tiny smile as I leaned forward, kissing her lips chastely. I placed my hands on her hips and shifted her away a bit, folding my legs Indian-style and settling her in the middle. "Sweetheart, I love you…and thank you. I'll never get tired of hearing you say you want me…I can promise you that." I paused, reaching up to brush back the hair that had fallen over her forehead when she looked down. "But I feel like you're pushing yourself for me, and that's just…it's not necessary. I'm content." I thought for a moment. "Fuck no, I'm not content. I'm goddamn happier than I've ever been. I'm…" I sighed. "I'm sorry you're frustrated."

"I just feel like a failure sometimes, you know…?" she began, her voice barely audible. She glanced down and grew suddenly still. I followed her gaze and saw the big ass tent pitched in my pants. There was no hiding it, no mistaking it. I rolled my eyes at my traitorous dick as I pulled at my t-shirt over it and tucked it into the waistband of my pants in one practiced motion – as if this conversation wasn't delicate enough without adding visual effects.

I lifted Bella's chin, shaking my head slightly at her. "You are not a failure in any way, Bella…you are a beautiful, brave woman, and I'm a fucking lucky bastard to have you sitting here in my lap holding me and kissing me…and loving me…" My cheeks heated as I admitted how truly fortunate I felt, and she smiled timidly in response.

She took a deep breath and raked her fingers through her hair, biting her bottom lip and looking up at me through her lashes. Her eyes flickered to my crotch again, and she leaned towards me, her voice a hesitant murmur in my ear. "I just keep feeling like I should…do…something…to umm…to help you…"

"No, I'm fine…" I started to brush it off - after all, I was a goddamn pro at self-abuse after the last couple of years – but before I could go any further, an idea hit me, and I spoke without thinking. "Wait. Are you really saying you want me to do something to help you?"

I actually felt the heat radiating off her cheeks as she shook her head quickly. Her strong reaction intrigued me. I ghosted my fingertips along her upper arms, slowly moving up and down as I attempted to soothe her. There was no need for her embarrassment. I didn't want either of us to keep anything hidden – but I had to admit that I hadn't really anticipated just how awkward this complete honesty thing could get. "Bella…" I stopped, clearing my throat.

Don't be a pussy. You can do this.

"Bella…" I tried again. "Have you ever…I mean ahh…" Shit. Okay, maybe I was a pussy. I took a deep breath, my cheeks puffing out as I exhaled. "Have you ever had an umm…" I trailed off, completely taking the chickenshit way out as my eyes pleaded with her to understand.

Orgasm. Have you ever had an orgasm? That shit's not so hard to say.

Fuck. You.

I heard the laughter in my head as she watched me curiously, a touch confused for a moment before comprehension dawned in her eyes. She blinked, blushing with a slightly disbelieving, uncomfortable grin on her face before she cleared her throat and glanced away, her eyes on the wall behind me. "Uhh…"

We were the poster children for unintelligible utterances.

Don't make me say it again. Please.

You didn't say anything the first time, pansy.

Thankfully, Bella finally gave a hesitant nod, still looking past me. "I th-think so anyway." Her blush deepened. "It's been a really, really long time…" Pain twisted her face briefly before a shadow of the mask I'd seen her wear while telling her story slid into place.

I swallowed against the bile rising in my throat as I thought of what her answer must mean.

That motherfucker.

Reaching out, I stroked her jaw with my thumb. I didn't turn her face, letting her look wherever she wanted, but my heart swelled when she moved her eyes to me. There was an ancient sadness there and so much regret, but more than that, there was love for me as the left corner of her lips lifted slightly. She shrugged.

"Only with him?" I whispered, and she nodded. That mask was crushing me, making my chest burn, and I couldn't take seeing it there anymore. I leaned forward, kissing my Bella softly. She was unresponsive at first, but then her lips moved with mine, and I tried so hard to show her with that kiss the confusing jumble of emotions coursing through me. I was saddened that that part of her life had been shut away for so long – and that the only experience she had with it was with the same asshole who had broken her so badly.

When we parted, I was lighter somehow, even though the distress I felt for her lingered. Each time we chipped away at another of the walls between us, we became stronger, closer, and more whole. I was sure I knew the answer to my next question, but I asked it anyway, intent on knowing everything about her I could. "So you've never felt the need to ahh…take care of things…yourself?"

She just shook her head at first, and I thought she wasn't going to answer. I was trying to think of what to say next when she spoke up. "I've never really had a…reason." She bit her bottom lip, the white of her teeth standing in sharp contrast to the flaming red of her cheeks as she squirmed uncomfortably in my lap. "I don't…" She sighed and glanced to the right before she looked me squarely in the eyes and breathed. "I don't exactly have a lot of good memories to go on, you know? It was easier to just…not think about it…"

Silence weighed heavily in the air as I thought about her words. "Bella, is all of this…" I gestured between us, "making you too…ahh…frustrated?"

She gave a small smile, surprising me when some of her embarrassment seemed to fade. "I do have to say that our…activities…have sort of made it cross my mind lately…" She shifted in my lap, pulling herself closer as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed me. She took my lower lip between her teeth and bit lightly, making me give a low growl as my hands splayed across her lower back. I caught the smile on her face from the corner of my eye as she leaned forward and whispered in my ear. "I feel more alive than I've felt in years…please don't say we have to stop. Life's good with a little frustration, but I…I understand if it's too much…"

She hugged me, resting her head on my shoulder as she pressed her lips to my neck. She stroked my hair soothingly, relaxing me as only she could. "It's not too frustrating…" My voice was gruff, deepened by both desire and emotion as I rubbed Bella's back in return. We sat that way for an immeasurable time, our breathing growing steadier as we let all our stress drain away.

Or so I thought.

Bella's head lifted from my shoulder, and she looked at me with curiosity evident on her face. I raised an eyebrow, a slight frown on my lips.

I should've known what was coming.

"Do…" Bella cleared her throat to cover a nervous giggle. "Do you umm…take care of yourself?" She was staring down at her hands, which were picking at the lettering on my t-shirt.

I put my hand over hers, stilling them and prompting her to look back up at me. I was determined not to be embarrassed, so I gazed into her warm brown eyes as I admitted, "I do."

"Do you think about me?" Her voice was breathless, and her eyes flew wide before all the blood drained from her face and she looked down, muttering, "Fuck!" under her breath. Her shoulders were hunched defensively, her face carefully away from mine as she said, "I didn't mean to ask that. I'm sorry. Don't answer it, please."

My hand had been gingerly stroking hers, working to calm her, but it froze at her question. I forced myself back into motion, resuming my actions as if nothing had happened. This time, my voice was little more than a whisper as I said again, "I do…" Looking down at Bella's face from that angle, I saw her cheeks lift as she smiled to herself.

She raised her head, gazing at me with a mixture of pride and self-consciousness. Her eyes were curious again, and I felt a stab of foreboding.

This won't end well for me.

Still, I asked, "What is it, love?"

Taking a deep breath, she exhaled slowly and whispered, "Do you think of me…often?"

I swallowed. "Yes." It was getting harder to look her in the eye.

She raised her hand, nervously biting her thumbnail. I moved mechanically, pulling her hand away from her mouth and holding it in her lap. I felt numb, my pulse throbbing in my ears as I sensed my imminent mortification.

"Really?" I struggled to hear her. "When was the last time?"

No fucking way.

Say yesterday, man. Sunday. Any other time.

Just be honest and say you don't want to answer that shit on the grounds that it might cause spontaneous combustion due to the heat of the fucking sun burning your cheeks.

My eyes were unfocused, falling away from hers as I was vaguely aware of purple and yellow in my field of vision. I couldn't hear myself say the words, but I forced them out all the same. "This afternoon. In the shower…"

What. The. Fuck?

You have no sense of goddamn self-preservation at all, do you?

She's going to fucking leave you. Call you a perverted freak and kick your ass out on the street, where you probably belong.

The voices continued to rant in my head, no other sounds audible as I breathed shallowly. On some level, I was aware that my reaction was ridiculous, but I was a bit too absorbed in my adolescent-boy-caught-jacking-off angst to worry about that. I had no problem with Bella knowing I did it – it was normal and all that shit, and God knows I'd done it enough in my life. It was what had helped me stay away from women for the past year and a half. I didn't even mind that she knew I was thinking of her. I figured she'd probably like that. I mean, I knew I'd fucking love knowing Bella masturbated while thinking of me.

But knowing I was jerking off to thoughts of her lips wrapped around my cock while she was a mere twenty feet away innocently reading Watchmen was something else entirely.

"Fuck." My curse was the first sound I heard.

"-ward? Edward." In a daze, I lifted my eyes, taking in Bella's concerned face. The tension in her forehead relaxed slightly, and she gave me a flicker of a smile. "Are you alright?" she asked.

I nodded, swallowing. I didn't trust my voice. She exhaled lightly and leaned in, brushing a kiss across my lips. When she straightened again, I saw the way her lips kept twitching at the corners.

She's…smirking?

Blinking, I looked again. Bella – my sweet, innocent, non-masturbating, blushing-at-the-thought-of-an-orgasm girlfriend – was smirking at me because I couldn't control myself and had rubbed one off in the shower while she was waiting.

"A little proud of yourself, aren't you?" I teased, feeling strangely light-headed and nearly euphoric at her reaction.

She bit her bottom lip, trying to hide her smile, but she didn't last long. A giggle broke through, and then she was beaming, pride written all over her face. I laughed with her, tackling her so that we were lying sideways on the bed as I tickled her. The heady sound of her giggling and squealing helped me forget everything that had happened tonight so that I was finally able to relax again.

Before long, my fatigue hit me again, and I rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling with a smile as Bella snuggled up close to me. She rested her head on my chest, her hand lying on my stomach, and I let out a small noise of contentment, wishing we didn't have to move.

"Let's just stay here," Bella mumbled, her voice already thick with sleep.

"I don't want you to be cold," I whispered, stroking her arm.

She didn't respond – she just reached behind her, blindly feeling along the bed until she caught hold of the quilt and pulled it over us. My left foot was sticking out, so I reached out to that side, grabbing that end of the quilt and throwing it over us as well. I turned my head to the right, smiling when her hair tickled my chin, and we drifted off to sleep without another word, wrapped up in the middle of her bed like a burrito.

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A/N: The title to this chapter is from a Violent Femmes song. Umm…yeah.

JOotG Chapter 23 - Ink and Instinct

2010-04-10T16:18:00.000-07:00

A/N – I am extremely sorry it's taken me so long to update. I'll spare you any details, but I spent three of the last five weeks traveling, and it wasn't very conducive to writing. I appreciate your patience, and I sincerely appreciate those of you who PM'd to ask if I was okay. Thank you so much for your concern – and for your continued interest in this story!

More A/N at the bottom – for now, let's get to what you came here to read :)

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BPOV

I leaned back on my hands, feeling the rough brick bite into my palms as I sat atop the low wall surrounding the basketball court and watched the guys play. The games had been going on for a couple of hours now, but I was still mesmerized by the way Edward's muscles flexed and relaxed as he blocked Jake's jump shot. The guys had all started out wearing hoodies and sweatpants, but as they'd played, the layers had slowly come off. Edward was now wearing only a pair of Jasper's loose-fitting basketball shorts with one of his Under Armour shirts. The shirt was a thin white baseball jersey with midnight blue sleeves, and because he was a bit bigger than Jasper, it fit just a little too snugly.

Not that I was complaining.

I bit my bottom lip, my eyes focused on him as I vaguely heard the voices of the other girls talking beside me. The white fabric of his shirt was soaked with sweat, rendering it nearly transparent and allowing me to see the definition of his chest once again. His hair was darkened and lying flat against his head, dripping occasionally as he moved. All of it reminded me of the way he'd looked last night as we'd kissed in the rain, and my eyes closed as I sighed softly, imagining his lips on mine once again.

I knew I would always remember that first kiss…the way his hands caressed my cheeks as his lips pressed gently against mine…the juxtaposition of body heat and freezing rain…the mingling of excitement and nervousness and love. I had thought nothing could compare to our soft, sweet kisses beneath the starless sky. Edward had proven me wrong only a short while later in my bedroom.

After the guys had left last night, Jasper had surprised me by asking if he could talk to me. We'd left Alice and Edward standing in the hall and gone to his room, where he'd sat me down with a serious expression and asked if it would be alright if he and Alice spent the night at her apartment. I knew he was just watching out for me, so I tried my best to contain my excitement at the thought of a night alone with Edward. It had been so…freeing…when we'd gone to bed Friday night with no one around. I'd assured him I would be fine.

Jasper gave me a small smile and said quietly, "I know you will be, Bells. I just have to make sure…you know?"

I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder with a soft sigh, a smile playing on my lips. "I know, Jazz. And you know how much I appreciate that, right?"

He nodded and put his arm around me, and we sat that way in silence until he finally squeezed my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. "Alright, time for me to go, silly girl. Behave yourself now."

When I glanced over at him, he winked with a playful twinkle in his eyes, and I had to laugh as I poked his side. "You better behave too," I warned.

His look of astonished innocence made me roll my eyes as we stood up to leave.

We'd found Alice and Edward waiting for us in the living room. Both were wearing bright, happy smiles that prompted my own. I'd felt a twinge of nervousness as Edward and I walked them to the door, but that had quickly faded as soon as the door was locked, and I was once again wrapped up safely in Edward's arms.

Jane's voice jarred me out of my memories as she said, "Looks like Embry's been working out…is that a new tattoo?"

I glanced at her sitting to my left and then followed her gaze, seeing that Embry had now taken off his t-shirt. When he turned to try to steal the ball from Jasper, I saw the tattoo Jane was talking about – it was black and looked like some sort of intricate knotwork on his left pec.

"Yeah, that one's new. He's been talking about it for awhile. I didn't know he finally got it," I said and tilted my head as I studied Embry. He did keep himself in good shape, and he had several other tattoos over various parts of his body, including the tribal piece that covered his bicep and shoulder and ran all the way up his neck to his ear. That one was my favorite, and I'd gone with him to get it. Embry had always indulged my fascination with his body art, even though he teased me whenever I asked to see one of them.

I looked away from Embry, and my eyes immediately found Edward again. This time, he was making a shot with his back to me, and I again noticed a darker spot on his shoulder blade that I'd seen a few times throughout the morning. I'd idly wondered what it was but thought it was just a weird shadow. However, after just checking out Embry's ink, it suddenly hit me.

"Hey…does Edward have a tattoo, Tink?" I blurted out, glancing over at Alice.

Alice nodded. "He and Emmett both got tattoos a couple of years ago. I've never seen Emmett's." Alice trailed off, prompting all three of us to look at her curiously. She watched us in silence with a mischievous grin before she suddenly giggled and said, "It's not somewhere I want to see."

We laughed with her, but Rosalie just arched an eyebrow and said, "Oh, this I have to see…" as her head swung back around to watch Emmett.

My mind drifted as I listened to the others talking, and I quietly made the same resolution.

This I have to see, I thought as I watched Edward play. The guys were all playing hard, and he and Jake seemed to be especially physical, bumping into each other as they fought for the ball. I thought about the fact that Edward would have to take his shirt off for me to see his tattoo, and I felt my cheeks heat. I considered how I felt about that, paying particular attention to the way my pulse and breathing sped, and it wasn't long before I realized I was excited by the thought. There was a twinge of fear there, but it seemed to be simply nervousness rather than fear of Edward.

I smiled and leaned back once more, letting my eyes close as I mentally prepared myself for being close to him again – this time, hopefully, with him shirtless. He had been so slow and careful with me, and I was beginning to worry that he would always have to be cautious, but last night had shown me that, even though I still felt irrational fear at times, we were able to be more relaxed than we had been. It was such a liberating realization, and I still hadn't quite absorbed all its implications.

After Jasper and Alice had left and we were alone, I'd walked down the hallway several feet in front of Edward. This time, we weren't touching, and the loss of contact made it harder to remember that he was the one following me. I focused on keeping my feet moving at a steady pace, even when I felt a pang of panic. Edward had done nothing to earn my fear, and I was determined to become as comfortable with him as I was with Jasper.

Once or twice, I'd nearly turned around, but I just kept going, working to relax the knot of tension in my shoulders. By the time I reached my bedroom, the strange high I'd been riding ever since I'd overcome my fear and kissed Edward had taken over. With abandon, I'd giggled as I dashed across my room and hopped onto my bed.

Edward stood watching me in the doorway, so I playfully patted the bed beside me. At first, he took a few slow steps, but then his face broke into a huge grin as he jumped onto the bed with me. He tickled me mercilessly, and I was left gasping for breath before he stopped.

My hair was a mess, tangled across my face, and I beamed up at him as he brushed it aside. There were no thoughts in my mind as Edward leaned over, kissing me tenderly. For the first time, there was only desire. Want. Need. I brought him closer to me, pulling his body against mine as my hand found the back of his head. His left hand moved to my waist, meeting my bare skin just above my hip. Edward moaned softly as his thumb began making gentle circles on my belly, and the sound and sensation were almost too much…but I just wanted more. I pressed myself closer to him as my other hand began tracing lines along his back and my lips pressed more urgently against his. Still, I wanted even more. I wanted to taste him.

Instinct took over as the tip of my tongue met his bottom lip, and I almost sighed when he froze. I needed this. I needed him. Before I could grow too frustrated, Edward was again in motion as he moved closer to me and his tongue softly met mine. We both moaned, and the sound broke me out of the fog of desire I'd lost myself in.

Suddenly, I was unsure what to do. It had been so long since I'd kissed anyone this way, and it seemed awkward and forced. I was over-thinking it, trying to figure out if I was doing it right. But as Edward's lips and tongue and taste and the fluttery feeling of his breath against my cheek began to dominate my senses, I found myself kissing him in earnest. Both my hands were in his hair, keeping him close as my yearning again took over.

I wasn't sure how long we kissed that way, but when Edward's arm around my waist pulled me closer, I wanted still more. Pressing against him gently, I shifted us so that I was lying partially on top of him, and I relished the feeling of his strong, firm body beneath mine. He kept me moving, so that I was finally lying atop him with one of my thighs between his. Once more, I felt the tell-tale hardness pressed against my hip, but instead of frightening me this time, it excited me. When Edward's hands gripped my hips and he thrust against me in response to our contact, I felt a strange surge of pride.

I had done this to him.

And I wasn't afraid.

More.

I didn't really know what more to do, but I knew I wanted to keep going. For the first time in longer than I cared to remember, I felt lust rather than fear, and I wanted to keep that feeling alive.

Edward pulled back, his lips breaking away from mine as he whispered hoarsely, "We should probably go to sleep…"

I expressed my exasperation with a small grunt before what I was doing flooded my mind. I was taunting Edward, making all of this even harder for him than it needed to be. I don't know what I'd thought I was doing, but I had definitely lost control and was being steered by the euphoria I felt at making such progress. I really wasn't ready for all of it yet, and Edward – once again – was looking out for me, working so hard to control his own desire. It was unfair to him, so I slid off of him with a quiet, "Sorry…"

As always, he'd refused to let me wallow in my remorse, leading us to one of those extremely honest, sometimes awkward and embarrassing conversations I was beginning to love about us. We'd talked about desire and kisses, and he'd made me feel precious and special. He had talked about how our first kiss meant something to him and that the feeling was something he'd forgotten. Of all the words he'd said, I had been most touched when he said, "Thank you, Bella, for bringing that feeling…that meaning back into my life. I feel alive every time I kiss you…hell, every time I touch you or you smile at me, and I've felt nothing at all for so long now. You give me so much, and you make me so happy, and I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am."

My mind was still focused on our night together, and I was at first annoyed and then alarmed when I heard masculine voices yelling at each other. I sat up straight, opening my eyes. I saw Jacob shove Edward just before Edward shoved him back, and I muttered, "Fuck!" as I hopped down off the wall. I took a step toward them, but Rosalie moved forward and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Hang on," she said. "They've got to get this shit settled sometime."

I frowned and raised my hand, biting my thumbnail as I shifted my weight from foot to foot. I couldn't tell what the two of them were saying, but they were arguing about something with the game. After the way Jake had been acting over the last couple of days, though, I had a feeling that the real problem was something else.

At once, Felix and Jasper both stepped between them, Jasper pushing Edward back lightly with a hand on his chest while Felix twisted the front of Jake's shirt in his fist. He pulled Jake off to the side and started talking to him in a low voice with an angry look on his face while Emmett, Jasper, and Embry circled around Edward. I watched as Edward frowned and argued briefly before Embry made some sort of joke, and Edward finally cracked a smile. He shook his head, and the four of them stood there for a little longer, talking and laughing before they walked over to us in a group.

My eyes were drawn to Edward, and my breathing hitched as he walked my way, making me roll my eyes at myself.

Fucking hell, Bella. You'd think you've never seen a man sweat before.

Not one that looks like that I haven't…

And definitely not with the way he's looking at me now.

I resisted the impulse to fan myself like some goddamn Southern belle in an old movie. Instead, I just smiled and grabbed a bottle of water, twisting off the cap and holding it out for him when he came close. He took it from me and threw his head back, draining the whole thing at once while I indulged myself in staring at the way his Adam's apple bobbed and his bicep flexed.

"Thanks," he said, and the breathless quality in his voice made me bite my bottom lip.

As I watched, he reached over his head and grabbed the back of his shirt just beneath the neck. He pulled it off and used it to wipe the sweat from his face and arms, then scrubbed it through his hair before he stepped to the side to put it on the wall a few feet away from me. He moved back in front of me with a grin on his face, and it seemed his annoyance was gone.

My curiosity wasn't, though, so I asked, "What was that about?"

Edward grimaced and shrugged. "Jake thought I was guarding him too closely, and he got pissed off." The look in his eyes said he didn't believe it, and I didn't either. I frowned.

He smiled at me in understanding and said, "It's fine, really. Jasper's going to cover him, and I'm going to take Embry."

I made a face and nodded with a sigh before we both turned to look at the others standing near us. I saw that the other guys had taken their shirts off as well, but what I noticed more than that was that I felt…nothing…when I looked at them. They were active guys, and they all had good builds. They were in shape. I knew they were attractive. They just weren't to me.

I took a moment, studying each of them in turn to see if I could figure out the difference between Edward and the rest of them.

Jasper was tall and slender, but he was well-muscled, mostly in his arms and shoulders from the carpentry work he enjoyed doing when he had time. He had a long, thin scar that began just to the left of his navel and disappeared beneath his shorts, and the contrast between the lighter scar and his tanned abdomen was interesting. I knew it would draw most eyes.

Not mine.

I shrugged and turned to look at Embry, once again noticing the tattoo that covered his shoulder. It was definitely my favorite feature of his, but I appreciated it in an abstract art sort of way. His skin was a deep woodsy brown that always seemed warm, and he was tall with a strong, solid frame.

Nothing.

Shifting my eyes to Emmett, I realized this was the first time I'd seen him without a shirt as well. He was taller than Edward, but his stocky build made him seem shorter. His arms were ridiculously huge, and the time he'd spent at the gym with Edward ensured that his torso was easily as muscular. He had a cute grin with adorable dimples, and his eyes were always bright and mischievous.

Not a damn thing.

But just glancing at Edward again, I reflexively bit my bottom lip as I took in the sight of his bare chest for the first time. The hours he spent working out had obviously done him good, as he was lean and toned. His entire upper body was a mass of muscles and tanned flesh given definition in the way his biceps bulged and the rippling six-pack that ended just above his shorts, which were low enough to reveal the deep V of his abdomen. He was still covered in a light sheen of sweat, and my lips parted at the mere thought of tasting him again.

Abruptly, I realized I was simply gaping at him and forced my eyes to travel back up to his face. He was watching me with a crooked grin, and I felt my cheeks heat as I smiled at him shyly. He winked at me playfully, making my heart skip.

Cocky, isn't he?

I loved it. I grinned in return, and he reached out, squeezing my hand. Just then, Jake and Felix walked back out onto the basketball court, and the other guys turned to join them. As he was walking away, I managed to get a closer look at the tattoo on Edward's right shoulder blade and was surprised at what I saw.

Transformers?

Wait…Decepticons?

"Hey, Rose?" I said, interrupting the conversation going on beside me. If anyone would know that symbol, Rose would. Transformers had been her favorite cartoon since we were kids and she realized the robots turned into cars.

"What's up, Bella?" she answered, and I tore my eyes away from Edward's retreating back to look over at her sitting on the wall.

I nodded my head toward him and said, "Can you tell what that symbol is on Edward's back?"

She leaned forward, resting the palms of her hands on the edge of the wall as she peered at him. "Huh," she said. "Well, what do ya know? Eddie-boy's got a darker side. I would've pegged him for an Autobots kind of guy."

"Decepticons, right?" I asked, and she nodded with a smirk. I frowned slightly and leaned back again, relaxing as I watched the game. I would've been sure he'd go for the Autobots too.

A mystery…

Even more reason to get him alone and half-naked.

I blushed at my own thought.

What? You know you want to.

I shook my head, trying to clear it of the uncharacteristic thoughts. So far, I was really proud of the way I'd been able to be with Edward, but part of me felt dread. I hoped that there was no need for it, but I'd spent so many years dealing with the residual terror that I didn't truly believe it was gone for good. All I could do was take things slowly, trust Edward, and work on getting through it with him.

With a soft sigh, I frowned, but I wasn't able to give in to those darker thoughts because I heard Jane ask, "Alice?"

Something in the tone of her voice immediately put my back up, so I straightened and looked over at her, only to find that she was staring at Jasper appraisingly. She was lightly biting the end of her index finger, and I saw Alice's eyes narrow as she glared at Jane.

Oh, fuck.

"Yes?" Alice said curtly. I had never heard such a flat tone in her voice. Rosalie and I exchanged glances over Alice's head, and we both slipped down off the wall. Rose crossed her arms in front of her chest and arched an eyebrow, but it was lost on Jane, whose attention was focused wholly on Jasper.

In an absent, breathless voice, Jane said, "Tell me…does Jasper still like it when you lick that scar all the way down?"

"Jane!" Rosalie's voice joined mine in one appalled chorus as Alice dropped down off the wall and walked deliberately toward Jane. Her face was purple with rage, and her hands were clenched into fists by her thighs.

Alice's voice quavered with the force of her anger as she said, "That is none of your fucking business!"

I blinked and looked at Rosalie, who was staring at me with a wide-eyed expression of disbelief that mirrored mine. We both stayed where we were, frozen in place as we listened to Alice tear into Jane.

"I have had enough of your disgusting insinuations. I am done watching you eyefuck Jasper every single time I look at you. I've tried being nice, but you've been nothing but a nasty bitch to me since you got here. I told Jasper not to say anything to you about it, but that's it. I'm through." Alice's voice, which had started out as a low, trembling threat became hard and cold by the end. Her chin was lifted, and she seemed to tower over Jane despite her smaller stature. Her eyes were raging with fury and disdain.

Jane looked shocked, and she sputtered, "That…that's not what I…I never!"

Alice's eyes widened in disbelief, but I barely registered that fact as my own rage surfaced. "Oh, don't even try to say you haven't been fucking drooling over Jasper and trying to provoke Alice since you got here." My voice was laced with contempt as I shot Jane a withering look. She opened her mouth to speak again, but I cut her off. "Look, Jasper's taken. He loves Alice. And you will respect her, or you can fucking leave."

Jane stared at me incredulously before her eyes narrowed to slits. She huffed indignantly and then turned on her heel and stalked off toward our apartment, her gait stiff and every inch of her radiating anger.

The three of us stood in silence, watching her leave. I was the first to move, and when I glanced at Alice, I saw her eyes filling with tears. I frowned. "Hey," I said, "don't let her get to you."

Rosalie took her hand, and Alice shook her head, wiping her cheeks with her other hand. "I'm not upset…I'm…I'm fucking…pissed!"

I felt the grin spread on my face, and a stunned chuckle burst out of me. Alice frowned at me, making me laugh harder. I finally said, "Damn, Tink…I didn't even know you knew how to use that word. I'm impressed."

Alice glared at me for just a moment before one corner of her mouth turned up into a crooked smile that reminded me intensely of her brother. She angrily scrubbed away the fresh tears that spilled onto her cheeks, unable to control the flood of emotions coursing through her. I knew how she felt, and I hated that feeling.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jane emerge from my apartment with Paul, and I worked to distract Alice as they got into Jane's car and pulled away. "Honestly, though," I began, "she's not worth worrying about. She's just being a bitch because she's never had any competition for these guys."

Alice rolled her eyes and glanced pointedly between Rosalie and me. Rose laughed and said, "Seriously…no interest at all. Ever."

"And well, you know my umm…situation…" I bit my bottom lip, hating to bring it up even indirectly. Alice gave me an understanding look and squeezed my hand. I'd given Jasper the go ahead to tell her after I'd told Edward, but I wasn't really sure what she knew yet since I hadn't had a chance to talk to him afterward. I shrugged, shaking off the uncomfortable feelings. "So Jane's used to have the captive audience all to herself. She knows better than to pick on either of us…I think she was taking out her frustration on you."

Alice still looked disgruntled – and with good reason – so I joked, "Obviously she chose the wrong pixie to pick on, huh?"

Eyes narrowing, Alice reached out and pinched the shit out of my arm. I twisted away, laughing as I rubbed it. "Damn it!"

She finally smiled and then exhaled in an annoyed huff. "Why the hell is she around anyway? Is she always like this?"

I shrugged and glanced at Rosalie, who wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes. Finally, she sighed and said, "No, she's usually not this bad. She's always…"

"Gross," I supplied, making Rose grin.

"Well, yes," she continued. "She's always a little too…affectionate, if you can call it that, with a couple of the guys, but it's never really been an issue. All consenting parties, you know? But now that you've taken away her favorite target, she's playing dirty."

"Or trying to," I added with a smirk. "Clearly not having any luck there. Not only does Jasper ignore her, but you fucking put her in her place."

Alice frowned. "I still don't get it. She's not very nice, and she obviously makes some of the guys uncomfortable. Why is she here?"

"Well…" I began. "She's mainly around because of Alex, I guess."

"But why's Alex here? He doesn't exactly fit in either." Alice's annoyance was beginning to give way to curiosity, and we all three slowly moved back toward the wall. I hopped up on it again, while Rose and Alice leaned back against it. I noticed that the guys had stopped playing and were watching us, but as I glanced over at them, Edward passed the ball to Emmett, and the game began again. Jasper stood still a moment longer, his eyes finding mine. I nodded, letting him know Alice was okay, and he nodded in return before rejoining the game.

I smiled. "Alex is awesome, actually. He's really an amazing role player, and he's a lot of fun. He just sort of…smokes a little too much sometimes."

Rosalie snickered. "That's all true. But that's not why Alex is part of the group."

I groaned as she gave me a wicked smile. "Rose…"

Both of Alice's eyebrows were raised, her eyes wide, as she said, "What do you mean?"

Feeling the heat on my cheeks, I exhaled loudly and rolled my eyes. "I had some classes with Alex in tenth grade. He'd just moved to Forks, and I felt bad that he didn't know anyone, so I sat next to him and talked to him. And umm…well…I sort of had a crush on him. So when I found out he liked D&D, I invited him to play with us." I shrugged. "He asked if he could bring his twin sister, and it just kind of went from there."

"Jane's usually okay," Rosalie interjected. "I mean, she's always a little weird, but she's normally pretty funny. I think she actually did care about Jasper, and that's turned her into a raging bitch around you, apparently."

"Wonderful," Alice muttered.

"Don't let it get to you," I said again. "She'll come around eventually. I'm sure she's gone off with Paul to ehh…deal…with things."

"Oh, ugh. Seriously, Bella. Must you give me that visual?" Rosalie shuddered and moved to sit on the wall again. After a moment, Alice joined us, and we sat in silence as we watched the guys play again. They had to be getting tired – the sun was nearly directly overhead, and they'd started playing just after a sunrise breakfast. I was watching a scuffle between Felix and Emmett over the ball when Rosalie spoke up quietly, almost timidly.

"Emmett's taking me out on a date this afternoon."

Game forgotten, both Alice and I looked at her. I felt the slow grin forming on my lips as Alice let out a muffled squeal and babbled, "Oh my god! That's so exciting! Where are you going? When did he ask you? Oh, no! What are you going to wear? Do we have time to do your hair?" Suddenly, she gasped and put a hand over her mouth. "Have you kissed yet?"

Rose just laughed and shook her head, waiting for the torrent to slow. When Alice trailed off, she answered. "He just asked me last night…he said he tried to wait, but he just couldn't anymore." A very uncharacteristic blush bloomed on Rosalie's cheeks as she glanced back over at the game. She bit the inside of her cheek to stop her smile, her gaze still on Emmett. "And no, we haven't kissed. He wants to do things the right way."

Not content to leave it at that, Alice and I pushed for details, and soon Rose was telling us all about how Emmett had come to the hotel every day since they met. They'd spent a lot of time talking and holding hands, and they always parted with a hug. She said they'd talked about everything they could think of. They got along really well, and she'd been surprised by how much they had in common. Apparently, they'd been arguing about whether the Dodge Coronet or the Charger was the better Super Bee when Emmett suddenly asked her out.

It had been a long time since I'd seen Rosalie's eyes as alive as they were, and I loved the smile on her face. The smile Emmett had put there. I'd have to thank him.

"We don't have a lot of time before the game tonight, so we're going out for sushi and then for a walk. He said that talking to me was his favorite thing to do, so he wanted to make sure there was plenty of time for that on our date."

As the chorus of "aww" was still drifting in the air, I realized how natural it all seemed – and how strange it really should have felt. Normally, I would have been inside while the boys played basketball, preparing for the session tonight and waiting for one of them to come in with a bloody nose or scraped elbows. But with Edward's help, I was all set for the game. Besides, it felt great to be out here instead, watching them play and squealing excitedly over dates with Rosalie and Alice.

I liked it.

And I found that I wanted to take part in it.

"Hey," I began cautiously. "Umm…I need some advice."

The other two paused in their chatter about what Rosalie should wear that afternoon and glanced over at me with smiles. "What's wrong, Bella?" Alice asked when I didn't say anything else.

I was suddenly nervous about what I wanted to ask, and I took a deep breath to try to calm myself. Wearing an embarrassed grin, I cleared my throat and had to look away from them, focusing once again on Edward as he played. "Well, I ahh…I kind of want to umm…" I bit my bottom lip. "To be alone with…Edward…for a little while. But it's always so crowded around here now, and I don't really want to just…drag him off to my bedroom in front of everyone or…" I trailed off, feeling the heat all the way from my neck to my ears.

My blush deepened when Alice giggled, but she said, "Oh, that's easy."

I looked at her quickly, arching an eyebrow. "It is?"

"Yeah." It was Rose who answered. "Just ask him if you can go with him when he goes to take a shower today." She shrugged.

My eyes widened. "Huh."

They both laughed softly, and Rosalie winked at me, saying, "You're just not quite devious enough yet, Bella. You'll get there."

"I don't want to be devious." I frowned, thinking of the way Edward valued honesty so highly.

"Trust me. Edward wouldn't mind you being devious if it means you're alone with him at his apartment." Alice wrinkled her nose.

"Oh, whatever," I joked, my heart suddenly lighter. "You don't get to make that face. I've been gagging around you and Jasper for months now."

Rosalie joined in, and soon the three of us were teasing each other mercilessly. At first, we didn't even notice when the game ended, but sooner than I expected, I was aware of Edward approaching me. He was breathing heavily and wearing nothing but his shoes, Jasper's shorts, and a devilish grin that left me breathless as well.

"Hi," I said stupidly. I laughed at myself and shook my head, trying to clear it. Reaching for another bottle of water, I opened it and handed it to him as we stared at each other in silence while the conversations of the others surrounded us.

After he'd drained the bottle, he smiled at me with a soft, "Hi," of his own. He handed the empty bottle back to me, and I capped it, adding it to our bag of trash. When I glanced back up at him, he was standing a little closer, and I saw his eyes flicker to my lips as he licked his own. He kept his distance, though, and I wondered why. We hadn't really kissed since early this morning, when we'd exchanged a few sweet good morning pecks. I wasn't quite sure how that new development was going to fit into our relationship – I wondered if maybe Edward was unsure too.

All the more reason to get him alone.

Yeah, we definitely need to talk.

Umm…right. Talk. Yes, that's what I meant.

"Dude, I told you we were gonna school you!" Emmett's triumphant voice drew my gaze, and I giggled at him. He was practically strutting, taunting Felix, who just watched him with a grin. Embry and Jake had disappeared, but Felix and Emmett were settling the terms of the bet.

"Yeah, yeah…you got us." Felix's smile was easy and amused. "Lucky you had Cullen, though, because your sorry ass would've never made that three-pointer at the end."

Emmett threw back his head and laughed exuberantly, and I missed what he said as I turned to Edward. "You made a three-pointer and won the game?"

He nodded. "Yeah, you didn't see it?" As I shook my head, his face fell and his lower lip actually poked out a bit.

So fucking cute.

Just want to bite it.

Wait. What?

My only answer was a small giggle.

I reached out, my fingers curling under his chin as my thumb traced that pouty lower lip lightly. I smiled at him softly and whispered, "Sorry…I was actually umm…well, getting some advice from Rosalie and Alice."

Edward kissed my thumb before he took my hand, lowering it between us. His smile returned, though it wasn't as bright as before. "What sort of advice did you need?"

I bit my bottom lip and watched him for a moment before I decided to just tell him the truth. My heart fluttered as I admitted, "Well…I needed advice on how to find some time…with you…umm…a…alone…"

His smile faded before blossoming into that delicious crooked grin that I loved. He leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss on my forehead. His lips had that strange coolness that comes only from sweating and exertion, and I found myself wanting to pull him closer and taste the salt on his skin. He didn't make it any easier for me, his lips brushing against my skin as he whispered, "All you ever have to do is ask."

He stayed close for a moment longer, and when he pulled away, we were both smiling. Squeezing my hand, he helped me down from the wall, and we talked to everyone else for a few minutes, making arrangements for the rest of the day. Because his team lost the game, Felix was paying for Chinese to be delivered at 4:00, which was when we were all due back to start our gaming session. The guys were going to the hotel in the meantime to clean up and relax a bit, while Rosalie and Emmett were going on their date. I shyly told Jasper that I was going back to Edward's for the afternoon, and he flashed Edward a meaningful look before he nodded to me.

Time seemed to speed up, and before I knew it, I was sitting in Edward's Volvo. He was beside me atop the towels spread out in the driver's seat, and we were zooming through the streets of Seattle back to his apartment. A comfortable silence filled the car, broken at times by Edward's alluring voice as he sang softly with whatever happened to be playing.

As Audioslave ended and I heard the next song begin, I broke into an amused smile. When Edward sang, "I like the way your sparkling earrings lay against your skin, it's so brown," I finally laughed quietly. He looked over at me with a grin. "What?"

I snickered. "'Set this fucker off' to 'Peaceful, Easy Feeling' without a pause? I thought I was the only one with completely unpredictable playlists."

Edward chuckled and shrugged. We talked about music for the rest of the drive. It was a subject that had come up several times before, and this time we focused on our favorite bands of the 70's. We were debating the merits of Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin when we pulled up to Edward's complex, and he parked the car.

The sudden silence was deafening. We watched each other for a moment before he cleared his throat and said, "So…we're here…"

"Yeah…I guess…" I answered, swallowing as I glanced at his door and my nerves decided to make their presence known. When I looked back at Edward, he was wearing such a look of concern that I couldn't help but smile tenderly.

What the fuck am I nervous about? This is Edward.

When there was no argument from any of my other voices, I grinned and took his hand, winking as I said, "Come on."

Flashing me a quick smile, Edward climbed out of the car and grabbed the towels before he shut the door. By the time I'd unfastened my seatbelt, he was already opening my door, and I had to smile at the way his speed revealed his excitement at being alone with me as well. It helped calm my nerves as I slipped my hand into his.

Once we were inside, Edward tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter, and I followed behind him as he wandered into the living room. He squeezed my fingers before dropping my hand and saying, "Do you want anything to drink?"

I shook my head and shifted my feet a little awkwardly, wondering what to do now. Edward ran his fingers through his hair and then looked me directly in the eye as he said softly, "Make yourself at home, Bella."

Biting my bottom lip, I lowered my chin and smiled up at him through my eyelashes, finding myself a little bashful at the implication of his words. Like so many times before, he lifted my chin with a quiet smile. He breathed, "You are so beautiful," and gently placed his lips against mine, his hand moving to cup my cheek. We watched each other in silence, our faces scant inches apart, before he straightened and cleared his throat. He told me he was going to take a shower and that he meant what he said – I was free to do whatever I wanted.

I watched as he disappeared into his room without closing the door. I heard the sounds of drawers opening and closing, and then I saw him cross the doorway again, going into his bathroom. That door closed with the click of the lock, and I grinned as the water was turned on. Before doing anything else, I stepped on the heels of my shoes, pulling them off and leaving them by the couch.

I stood in the center of his living room, undecided, before my eyes fell on his entertainment center. There was something freeing about being in his apartment unsupervised, but it left me feeling a little bit mischievous as well. I realized I really could go through anything I wanted without him knowing it. Instead of taking advantage of that, though, I decided to just enjoy – and earn - the trust he was placing in me.

I'd already looked through his DVDs and games, so I moved toward the wooden shelves filled with CD cases and began reading the titles as I hummed to myself happily. I was surprised to find that Edward was extremely organized, with his CDs being filed by genre and then alphabetically. His jazz collection was extensive, and I didn't recognize most of those titles, though I liked the ones I knew. I smiled broadly at his Grunge selection but noticed Pearl Jam's Vitalogy was conspicuously absent. I shook my head and made a mental note to fix that – no library was completely without "Better Man."

After looking through the rest of his collections from classical to classic rock, I moved over to check out his DVDs again, wondering if they were just as organized. I'd been a little too preoccupied the last time I'd been at his apartment to pay much attention. Not surprisingly, they were, and I found myself grinning a bit as I saw his selection of musicals stuck between the classics and dramas. He also had a small but impressive assortment of anime DVDs, including the newly released Death Note boxed set I'd already asked Jasper to get me as a Christmas gift.

The boy has good taste.

As I straightened again, I realized I wasn't sure how long Edward had already been in the shower, so I abandoned his media collection and took a look around the rest of the room. It seemed bare for some reason. I'd noticed the empty mantle before, but I hadn't quite realized the extent of it. There were no pictures anywhere. No framed paintings, no posters, no family pictures…nothing.

The barren walls and mantle stood in stark contrast to the warm woods, soft leather, and inviting upholstery of the rest of the room. It didn't seem right. I wondered why Edward had never bothered putting any pictures out – maybe he just liked it this way. I really didn't think that was the case, though I couldn't say why…and I couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever put a picture of me in here.

Pursing my lips, I took a last look around his living room and stuck my hands in my pockets. I rocked back and forth on my heels a couple of times, wondering if I should check out his kitchen…or his bedroom.

In the end, curiosity got the best of me, and my feet carried me toward Edward's bedroom before I even knew I'd made a decision. Once I got there, I peeked through the open doorway, looking left and right. The water was still running in the bathroom, so I finally bit my bottom lip and stepped through cautiously. I tiptoed to the center of his room and glanced into his closet, grinning stupidly at the sight of his clothes hanging there and the row of shoes lined up neatly at the bottom. The shirt on the end was some sort of short-sleeved white cotton jersey, and I could see thick letters spelling out "CUL" before the rest was blocked by the wall.

Unable to resist, I moved to the closet and pushed the shirt back so I could see "CULLEN" spelled out in purple block letters edged in yellow. My lips curved into a small smile as I shifted the shirt to look at the front, where I found "WASHINGTON" emblazoned across the chest with a number "8" below the final "N." I lifted the bottom of the jersey, pressing it against my face as I inhaled the clean fragrance of Edward's detergent and the faint, lingering scent of sandalwood. The cotton was soft from many washings, and I found myself thinking about how comfortable it would be.

Biting my bottom lip, I smiled quietly as I adjusted the clothes back to their original positions and looked around the closet. There were a few boxes on the top shelf, but there was none of the dust or clutter I'd come to expect from Jasper's closet.

Definitely neat.

As I made my way back into Edward's room, I glanced around, noting once more the lack of pictures on the walls. His bedroom was very Spartan, with only a dresser, a bed, and a nightstand, all in smooth black cherry with clean lines. The headboard was tall and rectangular with carved vertical lines, and all of the pieces were on thin, round legs. The hardware was simple polished nickel, and a slender lamp fitted with a tan shade stood on top of the nightstand next to an alarm clock. Piled haphazardly beside the clock were several comic books, and I gave a nearly silent giggle when I saw them. They just seemed so at odds with the rest of the tidy apartment.

I moved around the bed to see which they were and caught sight of a laundry basket full of folded clothes sitting on the floor. I don't know why, exactly, but I loved seeing it there. It was almost as if the presence of laundry was tangible proof that Edward lived here. He ate and slept here, got dressed here, studied here…and now he'd invited me here.

You mean, he didn't object when you invited yourself here.

Same thing.

Umm…no, not really.

Shut up.

I heard a mental snicker and shrugged to myself as I navigated around the basket and sat on the edge of Edward's bed. The comforter was soft down, lighter and fluffier than the old, heavy quilt I preferred to use at my place. I began looking through the comics, mumbling quietly, "Batman, Batman, Spiderman…" That one brought a grin. "Avengers…ooh, Watchmen!" I slipped the graphic novel out from beneath the others and began flipping through it, reacquainting myself as I looked for Rorschach's story – it had always fascinated me.

Finding chapter six, I began reading and was very soon completely absorbed in the story. The raspy voice I always assigned to Rorschach in my head was just saying, "Once a man has seen, he can never turn his back on it, never pretend it doesn't exist," when a very different, melodic voice murmured, "Brushing up for the movie?"

I jumped a bit, snapping the book closed as I turned to see Edward standing in the doorway of his bathroom. He was leaning against the frame with a lazy grin, and it was almost embarrassing how quickly my eyes drifted downward. He was wearing a light gray v-neck t-shirt that fit him well, subtly emphasizing the sculpted torso I'd now seen uncovered – and hoped to again within a matter of minutes. Resting low on his hips were dark wash jeans that were well-worn with a series of holes scattered around. As I watched, he lifted one arm over his head, allowing me a glimpse of green boxers peeking over the waist of his pants before my gaze rose to follow the movement. He ran his fingers through his hair before somewhat self-consciously scratching the back of his neck, and I smiled when I caught sight of the leather cuff watch around his wrist. He hadn't shaved, and I gave a happy internal sigh at the way his stubble darkened his jaw.

As soon as my eyes met his, he pushed away and came over to sit a few feet away, facing me with one knee pulled up on the bed. I put the book back on the nightstand, finally finding my voice. "Oh, yeah…I sort of love Rorschach. I guess you were getting ready for the movie, too?" As I spoke, I moved to close the distance between us, shifting closer so that our knees touched.

Edward smiled and reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear as he nodded. "Will you go with me to see it?"

His question came out of nowhere, and I blinked, saying the first thing that came to mind. "But it doesn't come out for months…"

He raised an eyebrow with an impish grin. "And? Planning to leave me so soon?"

I bit my bottom lip, shaking my head slowly. "Well, when you put it that way…I'd love to…" I trailed off, my eyes drifting to his lips as he took my hand. The silence between us lengthened, prompting me to look back up into his eyes. The green was bright today with shades of dark malachite and lighter jade mixed within the emerald. His face was relaxed and his lips curved into the slightest hint of a smile, but still he stayed away.

A bit unnerved, I squeezed his hand and said, "So…umm…" and then wracked my brain, trying to think of something to talk about. We'd never really had this sort of strained weirdness before, and I knew it was because all I wanted to do was pull him back on the bed and kiss him until he wouldn't let me anymore. "Oh…"

"Oh?" he asked, a soft, playful smile now on his lips that matched the slightly mischievous glimmer in his eyes.

"Oh, I was just going to say that I didn't know you had a tattoo. I saw it today when you umm…took your shirt off…" I felt the faint blush on my cheeks as I remembered how Edward had looked in the weak sunlight this morning.

If he thought the change of subject was odd, he didn't say anything, just nodded. "Yeah, I got it a couple of years ago. It doesn't bother you, does it?"

"No," I answered definitively with a grin. "I love them actually. Can umm…can I see yours? I didn't really get a good look this morning." I felt devious, knowing full well what his tattoo looked like, and I mentally cursed Rose for putting that word in my head.

He smiled and stood, reaching back over his head before he suddenly paused and said, "Oh. Is it alright if I take my shirt off? It's easier to see that way."

That's kind of the point.

I refrained from rolling my eyes as I nodded my agreement. He quickly removed his shirt, tossing it onto the bed as he ran his fingers through his damp hair. Before I could completely appreciate the sight of him bare-chested again, he'd turned around, and I was faced with his smooth back instead.

I took a step toward him, raising my chin. The fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla was strong, just like it was when he showered at the gym, and my eyes closed as I inhaled deeply. I breathed out a sigh of contentment and opened my eyes again, focusing on Edward's tattoo. I realized I was wrong – I hadn't known exactly what it looked like.

The Decepticons symbol was there, outlined in black and filled with blue fading into purple, just as I'd seen earlier, but there was also lettering above it. I whispered as I read, "Clarity of thought before rashness of action…" and my hand moved of its own accord, fingertips ghosting across the words. Edward shivered at my touch, a slight shake of his shoulders. I smiled to myself and let my fingers trail along the edge of the design, enjoying this silent moment where I could sense the effect I had on him.

Finally, I said, "So why did you get it?"

I meant that particular tattoo, but Edward shook his head, his back still to me as he said, "Stupid bet with Emmett our senior year…we both got cartoon tattoos." There was amusement in his voice, and then he laughed. "Just be glad I won. Emmett has Hello Kitty tattooed on his ass."

"He has what?" I asked, laughing with Edward.

He snickered. "Yeah, it's right in the middle of his damn cheek and everything. Goddamn Hello Kitty wearing a cape with stars and shit. His fault for making the bet." I watched the movement of the muscles in his shoulders as he shrugged and then chuckled again.

Amused, I said, "So what was the bet anyway?"

I was surprised when Edward just froze, his laughter cutting off instantly. I swore I heard him whisper, "Fuck," but he didn't say anything else for too long. Then he slowly turned around to face me, his eyes finding mine as I registered the sadness there. My heart clenched at that look, and I knew I didn't want to hear the answer.

His jaw flexed once before he said quietly, "They both went home with me."

I waited for the rest, confused as to what he meant. When the significance of his words finally hit me, my eyes widened. I felt as if it had been a physical blow to the gut, leaving me breathless as a soft, "Oh…" escaped my lips.

Pain joined the sadness in Edward's eyes, and his hand twitched at his side before he carefully made it into a tight fist and kept it there. He held my gaze as he whispered, "I told you I wasn't a very nice guy."

I didn't know how to answer as I was suddenly sinking into a sea of images – lips that weren't mine on his, two pairs of hands with blood red fingernails trailing along his skin, his quiet moan calling out someone else's name as she bit his shoulder – and I closed my eyes, trying to stop them from coming. I bit the insides of both my cheeks, willing it all away, and I felt that all-too-familiar despair. Not only was I bothered by the thought of Edward with someone else, I again was faced with that doubt – what if I never could be with him in that way?

Silence was heavy in the room, and I stood there, working to breathe evenly. Through my own insecurities, I began to worry about Edward, standing there while I tried not to fall apart. How was this fair to him? The bet had been years ago…he'd changed. I knew that. Alice had even worried that he was asexual and just not interested in anyone. But he'd chosen me. And god damn it, I would be with him in every way. I'd already come so far. What the fuck was stopping me?

My eyes opened slowly, my gaze focused on Edward's chest. I raised them gradually to find his eyes, and I was taken aback by the worry and fear I saw there. It stunned me to realize that he was frightened too.

"Don't be afraid," I said softly, though I knew the words would sound strange given the context. I could tell, though, that he was afraid - of what, I wasn't sure, but his admission scared him, and there was no reason for that. My voice was tremulous as I continued. "It's okay…"

"I'm not that guy anymore, Bella," he said, his eyes begging me to understand.

"I know," was my simple reply. He still look tormented, so I whispered, "It's just part of your past, Edward…it's not who you are."

He nodded once, but I could see that he was unconvinced. My heart hurt for him, and I reached out as I took a step toward him, my left hand lightly tracing up his arm as I moved behind him. He was standing utterly still, barely breathing. I placed both my hands on his upper arms and leaned toward him, pressing my lips gently against the ink etched into his skin. I tried to convey to him that I understood. He was a different person, just as I was. In so many ways, we'd given each other new life, and I wanted him to know that – to feel it just as I did.

When I finally pulled away and lowered my hands, Edward turned to face me. The pain had faded from his eyes, and he gave me a soft smile as he murmured, "Thank you, love…" He brushed the backs of his fingers along my cheek, his eyes lighting on my lips.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked him, unable to stand it any longer.

The left corner of his lips lifted into that delectable grin. "You never have to ask." At once, he lowered his head, our lips meeting as he pulled me close. I slipped my arms around his waist, my hands moving up his back as I relished the smoothness of his skin under my fingertips. Our lips parted, our tongues moving sweetly together as we found that bliss that seemed to exist only when we were together this way.

We parted but stayed close for a moment, looking at each other with quiet smiles. As I watched, Edward's expression grew curious, and I furrowed my brow. "What?" I asked.

"I was just wondering if you have any tattoos." His smile had become playful again, and he kept me near, his arms still tight around my waist.

"Nope. I keep thinking about it though. I may get one eventually," I told him. "I'm kind of fascinated with tattoos - I've gone with Embry a couple of times to get his."

His eyes brightened at that, which I didn't understand until he asked, "So what's the deal with Embry and Rosalie anyway? I can tell you know something."

I snickered and shook my head. "No way."

"Hey! I told you about Emmett's Hello Kitty!"

"Yes, and I kinda wish you hadn't." I winked, trying to jokingly lead him away from the topic, but he wouldn't be swayed. He pulled a pout that looked as though he'd been taking lessons from Alice, and my eyes widened as I said, "Damn, that's not fair."

He just stared at me, wide-eyed and pouty-lipped, until I finally caved with a groan. "Fine! But you can't say anything to anyone. I've never even told Jasper."

The gleeful look on his face made me giggle, and I loved the sudden, conspiratorial closeness I felt with him as I leaned in and lowered my voice. "It's kind of stupid, really, but it's fun keeping it from everyone else. Besides, Rose would probably kick my ass if I said anything. She likes her reputation."

He raised both eyebrows but said nothing, waiting for me to continue.

I moved my hands, lowering them to his hips as I began, "Okay, so, when I was like fourteen, I went over to Jasper's one afternoon. He wasn't there, so I let myself in, and I heard someone in Rosalie's room. I called out, but she didn't answer, so I walked down the hall, and then I heard some…suggestive noises…" I giggled, remembering my own shock. "Well, I couldn't decide if I should knock…or go in…or just leave, but then I heard Embry's voice."

I laughed outright, shaking my head as I glanced up at Edward, who was watching me with a mixture of amusement and curiosity. "I didn't even think about it. I just slammed open the door, and I found…" I trailed off dramatically before I couldn't do it anymore and just chuckled. "The two of them sprawled on Rosalie's bed, watching Days of Our Lives."

Edward stood quietly for a minute before he laughed with me. "What? So all that 'love of my life' stuff is from soap operas?"

"Mmhmm," I affirmed with a grin. "See? Told you it was stupid…but they love the damn things. Guarantee they'll sneak off to watch them together sometime while he's in town."

As he was chuckling to himself, I worked my way free from his embrace. His face fell again into a small pout before I took his hand, pulling him to the bed.

When we got there, Edward took the lead, moving to sit against the headboard as he put his arm around me. My head fell naturally onto his shoulder, and I let my eyes drift closed. "This is nice," I hummed with satisfaction.

"Mmm…" was his only answer as we fell into a comfortable silence.

I barely noticed his hand lightly rubbing my side until it suddenly stilled. He shifted, and I lifted my head to find him looking at me with fresh curiosity. "What is it?"

"Well, I was just thinking about what you asked me last night…about first kisses, I mean…" he began. "And it made me wonder…have you had many first kisses?" I blushed, cursing myself for asking him that question.

Damn my curiosity.

Clearing my throat, I sat up straight and turned my face toward him. "Ahh, well, not a lot, no…there have been four…" I trailed off before I realized my mistake. "Oh no, wait – five."

Edward arched an eyebrow in amusement and said, "Was one so forgettable?"

The heat on my cheeks increased. "No…one just doesn't really count." I shrugged, hoping he would drop the conversation.

He didn't, of course. "Did you enjoy them…?" he began quietly. "I mean other than…?"

My jaw clenched as I heard what he didn't say, but I took a breath and released it, nodding slowly. "I did. Well, some of them anyway." I debated, trying to decide how much to tell him. It would be so easy to gloss over it all, leave it at that, but I knew that Edward would want to know, particularly about the one I really didn't want to talk about – Jasper.

I couldn't just come right out and say it, though, so instead I tried a different approach. I cleared my throat and forced myself to say, "James, of course." I swallowed hard and moved past him quickly, but the fact that it was the first time I'd voluntarily said his name in a long time was not lost on me, and I felt a small swell of pride.

With a smile, I said, "And, well, Garrett was my first boyfriend…we kissed a few times, and it was sweet, but that was really about it." I cleared my throat again. "And then umm…in college, I tried to date this guy. His name was Mike. After we'd been out a few times, he said he needed to kiss me, and we did…it was actually kind of nice at first, but then…" I bit my bottom lip, looking down at my hands in my lap as I sighed softly. I watched as Edward reached over, taking one of my hands. I looked up at him, eyes on his as I finished. "I sort of lost it. I broke down and I…I hit him." Feeling ashamed, I tore my eyes away, focusing on our hands again.

There was silence for a time before Edward lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it softly. I looked up at him, and he whispered simply, "You didn't hit me…"

I nodded and gave a half-hearted smile. Eyes on mine, he gradually leaned in, his free hand cupping my cheek as he pulled gently, the two of us meeting in the middle. His kiss was tender but insistent, and the passive resistance brought about by my memories melted away as his lips parted mine. The kiss began chastely, our lips moving in delicate concert as his fingers caressed me lightly, finding my cheek, my ear, my neck, my arm…but feeling that connection with him reignited my desire for more.

I deepened our kiss, pressing toward him as I placed my hand on the back of his neck and my tongue brushed past his lips. He responded immediately, his hand moving to my waist as he shifted us. So quickly that I wasn't sure how it happened, we were laying side by side, our bodies flush with my knee between his. I tilted my head, allowing him even greater access as I gave myself over to the incomparable sensation of being so close to Edward. I could sense the hunger in his touch, in his kiss, and the feeling made me whimper quietly.

He broke away suddenly, a slight shift of his face that took just his lips away from mine. We both murmured, "Sorry," together and then shared our hushed laughter. My eyes drifted open to find that Edward's were still closed for a few seconds longer. When he finally opened them, the hunger remained there, making my stomach flutter with anticipation.

"I'm sorry," he said more clearly, and I was shaking my head before he finished.

"Don't apologize," I said. "Please…" I didn't know how to explain that his desire…and his control…had just done so much to help ease years of lingering doubt about myself. It was still there, far from erased, but there was a new lightness I felt that I was at a loss to put into words. I looked into his eyes as I ran my fingers through his hair and gave him a small smile that he finally returned before I lifted my head to kiss his forehead gently. "Thank you," I whispered.

Edward just shook his head with a look of disbelief. He didn't argue with me though, saying simply, "Thank you," in return. We didn't put words to what we meant…we just knew.

He cleared his throat and said, "So…me, obviously…" with a grin as he brushed a kiss lightly across my lips. "That's four…have you already forgotten the other again?"

I watched him in silence before I sat up, nervously smoothing my hair as I moved back to lean against the headboard. "No…I haven't forgotten…"

He frowned slightly as he lifted his upper body, resting his weight on his elbow as he looked at me. I sighed and patted the space beside me. He moved to join me as I shifted to look at him. I took one of his hands in both of mine and said, "I want to be completely honest with you because you always have been with me, but I'm worried it might upset you, even though there's absolutely no reason for it." This was coming out all wrong, and I knew I was probably making him more nervous than I needed to.

Way to go, Bella.

Could you have picked a worse way to bring this up?

I sighed my agreement with the voices and looked at him carefully. I was surprised to see more comprehension and resignation in his eyes than apprehension.

What the fuck?

"What are you thinking?" The question tumbled out without fully forming in my mind.

"Jasper," was his only answer.

My eyes widened before I blinked. I could find no words to answer him, so I nodded my affirmation as my teeth bit lightly into my bottom lip. Suddenly, my heart was the one hammering in my rib cage as I waited for Edward's response. I hadn't expected him to guess this so easily, and I wondered what it meant.

He looked away from me, his head slumping back against the headboard as he looked at the ceiling. He didn't speak at first, merely swallowing as he nodded. He blinked up at the ceiling before he lowered his chin again, staring ahead as he spoke. "It's not completely unexpected…" He shrugged, and I hated the disappointment I heard in his voice.

He stopped there. I waited as long as I could before I prompted gently. "Edward?"

Without glancing at me, he answered with, "When did you kiss him?"

Squeezing Edward's hand, I kept my tone light, but my heart fell when he didn't return the gesture. I forced a smile as I said, "He was actually my true first kiss…when we were twelve. We were curious and decided to try it. It didn't mean anything. We wondered what the big deal was afterward." I shrugged.

He relaxed a bit and smiled, turning to look at me finally. He squeezed my hand before reaching over and brushing my hair back behind my ear with a murmured, "I bet you were an adorable little girl…"

I wrinkled my nose, remembering all my clumsiness and awkward, gangly limbs. Unfortunately, that wasn't all I remembered. I knew I had to tell him about my other experience with Jasper. I owed it to him to be completely honest. The sight of Edward smiling did nothing to calm me as I took a deep breath and said, "And then…"

His smile faded a bit. "And then…what?"

I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as I tried to find the words. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I glanced at Edward, and at once, I was speaking without thinking. "Okay, so you remember how I said I hit Mike?" I barely noted his nod, continuing on without interruption. "When I got home that night, Jasper was out with the guys, and I was all alone, and I was just…just fucked up. I couldn't stop shaking and crying, and I just knew that I was going to be alone. All alone. Forever. And I couldn't take it. I didn't know what to do. I sort of smashed some stuff in my room, and…I…I…" I swallowed, closing my eyes and breathing deeply through my nose before I forced the rest of the words out. "I thought about hurting myself. Anything to make it easier. But I didn't. I couldn't. I just…I had to make it better somehow. So I tried to go numb. Just not feel, you know? But I couldn't do that either. So I had a couple of drinks, and I was finally able to just get out of my head a little bit. Just not remember, not feel anything.

"And then Jasper came home, and he was…well, he was just fucking Jasper, and he wouldn't leave it alone. He asked questions, made me talk about it. I know I needed to, but I didn't fucking want to. When I finally answered, I just…bawled. He held me like always, and it made me feel better…it sort of gave me hope, I guess. But then I had to know. I had to find out if I would ever be able to get better…be able to touch someone again. So I umm…I asked him to…" I trailed off, my tirade coming to an end as I realized I had just spilled far more than I intended to.

The tightness in my chest relaxed infinitesimally when I glanced over and saw the concern glistening in Edward's eyes. He still looked upset, but the distance I'd sensed as he stared at the ceiling wasn't there anymore. His fingers laced through mine, and he breathed, "I'm so sorry, Bella…I hate all the things you've gone through…"

The lump in my throat made it too difficult to speak, so I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb and watched him in silence. At last, he spoke again, his voice huskier than usual. "So you kissed again…? When was this?"

"Five years ago," I answered quietly. "And yes…we kissed, but there was…more, too."

His jaw clenched before he nodded once. I could sense something…anger…frustration…radiating from him, but I couldn't tell what it was for sure.

I spoke into the ominous silence, wishing with every piece of my fragile heart that he would hear me and understand. "Before things got too far, I laughed…it was just too…weird. I've never had those feelings for Jasper, and he never has for me. But he would do anything for me, even if it meant completely freaking himself out."

Edward nodded again, his eyes still ahead. "How did Jasper react when you laughed?" I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and realized that he was feeling just as vulnerable as I was.

Strangely, that thought encouraged me.

"He was relieved, actually…" I gave a small, fond smile that Edward caught when he glanced over at me. His eyes were full of disbelief, so I nodded. "Seriously. I've never seen a guy so happy to get out of…that. Kind of insulting, really."

The corner of Edward's mouth lifted into a feeble half-smile, and I could feel my pulse drumming at my temple. I couldn't lose him. Not now. He had to understand. He had to know – really know – that he was the only one for me.

"And how did you feel?" His voice was unexpected but welcome.

I thought carefully before I answered, wanting to be honest here as well. "I felt…hopeful. And grateful. Just knowing I could touch someone helped me so much more than any of the therapy ever had." I smiled as I remembered our conversation from that night. "He told me that someday I'd find someone who wanted to give me the world – a guy I could trust…and that he'd be a lucky bastard if I wanted him too…" I gave a short, quiet laugh to myself as I glanced down at the tan comforter, shaking my head. As weird as making out with Jasper had been, I'd always clung to the hope he'd given me with those words.

I felt Edward's thumb and forefinger lightly grip my chin as he turned my face to his. His expression had softened despite the countless emotions warring in his eyes. He whispered, "He was right…I am a lucky bastard."

"I want only you," was my hushed answer.

He didn't respond, watching me in silence, his fingers still on my chin. As the moments stretched on, I became more curious. His eyes had taken on a distant quality that made me wonder what he was thinking. I remained patient, letting him work through whichever particular questions were on his mind. I took comfort in the contact with him – in the knowledge that he hadn't simply pushed me away.

When his thumb began tracing my jaw and his eyes roamed my face, I finally spoke again, asking if he was alright. He gave me a small, sad smile and said he was. "I sort of expected it, I guess…I can't say it doesn't bother me at all. I wish I could. But I get it…it makes sense. I'm just really glad you were okay then."

"I'm glad I was too…but you know, more than that, I'm glad that Jasper reminded me I was okay. When I first realized how I felt about you…" I reached up, removing his hand from my chin and lowering it to my lap. I watched our hands as I played with his fingers, not quite sure how to say what I wanted to say. "I was scared, Edward. Really scared. What Alice told me about you had me worried – I really couldn't stand the thought of you not being in my life because I scared you off.

"But I knew I was falling in love with you. It hit me so early and so hard that I almost felt dizzy…disoriented, you know? And then, of course, there were my own reasons for keeping things safe with you – staying just friends. But that thought was just so…so fucking depressing." I frowned down at our hands. "It sounds stupid, I know, but admitting to Jasper that I was interested in you was one of the hardest things I've done in years. It was like I was reopening such a terrifying part of my life, but it was so worth it because of you – because of what I could possibly have if I faced all those demons." I finally looked up to find him watching me. "Gah, I'm not making any sense. I'm just trying to say that Jasper reminded me I was okay with him…and that gave me the determination and hope I needed to try with you."

When he didn't speak right away, I was concerned. I was struck by how completely I'd just bared my soul to him. I wasn't afraid…I knew he loved me. But that was a hell of a lot of information I'd just thrown at him, and I didn't quite know how he'd react.

I shifted on the bed, moving to my hands and knees as I leaned closer to him. I whispered, "I have never wanted anyone else like I want you…you're everything I could have ever asked for. I want it all with you."

Still, he didn't respond, though I saw his eyes trail down to my lips and back up to meet my eyes again. I kissed him softly, and my brow furrowed when his lips remained impassive against mine. I refused to give up, choosing to believe he simply needed time, so I stayed right where I was, though I didn't push him further. At once, something in him seemed to snap, and his hands were suddenly in my hair as he kissed me hungrily. His lips were sure and unrelenting, strong against mine as he directed this physical expression of our love.

Quiet noises of desire filled the room as I felt heat spreading throughout my body. It began in my fingertips, my lips…those places connected with the man I loved, and it grew exponentially, igniting my soul. We were locked in place as he leaned back against the headboard while I was before him on my hands and knees, and I resented the distance between us.

I turned myself, lying back on the bed as my hands grasped at his sides, imploring him to go with me. He was instantly moving, and within seconds, I was overcome with the divine feeling of his body beside mine – drowning in his strength, his heat. My hands freely explored the smooth skin of his back, caressing and kneading everywhere I could reach. I couldn't get enough of his bare flesh as I pulled him closer.

He adjusted, resting partially on top of me as his hand trailed down my arm to my waist. His kisses grew softer, losing that hard edge of frenzied urgency. I felt no loss, though, as I sensed that he was merely giving himself over to the pleasure he felt, wanting to relish and savor it. It was the difference between the sudden flaring of a match – quick, intense, and too soon gone - and the slow, steady burn of a roaring fire that consumes and renews, granting warmth and light.

My mind was absorbed with the sensation of Edward's soft, silky skin stretched across taut muscle and sinew, and it wasn't enough to feel it beneath my fingertips. My hands splayed across his back, palms pressed firmly against him, and still I needed more. I nibbled gently on his lower lip before gracing his jaw with small kisses. Licking lightly at the rough stubble there, I moved still lower, my lips finding the smooth skin at the junction of his shoulder and neck. Once there, I extolled its perfection in kisses and licks and tiny bites, sucking gently as I sighed softly at tasting Edward so purely.

He grew still, his head lolling back while he breathed a quiet moan. His hand halted its journey, and I was struck by the realization that he was enraptured by the pleasure I was giving him. It was such a simple thing – my lips on his skin – and I smiled at seeing him so immersed in it. I had never in my life felt so powerful, so desirable, and I wanted to always feel this with him. Only with him.

My lips trailed back up over his chin, seeking the sweetness of his. Edward was immediately responsive once again, his tongue meeting mine as we kissed languidly. My hand slid down his back, brushing against the fabric of his boxers, and I felt his movements mirror mine. His hand found the hem of the t-shirt I was wearing, his fingers gently rubbing against the edge as though waiting for some sort of sign.

I paused for a moment, trying to work through what was happening. When my lips slowed, Edward kissed along my cheek, working his way to my ear. His breath tickled as he whispered, "I adore you," raising goosebumps on my flesh before he nipped at my earlobe, gently sucking it between his lips. Releasing it, he turned his attention to the sensitive skin of my neck, and I moaned, my knee lifting as I turned my body toward his. The rough texture of his day's-growth of beard was at odds with his soft, attentive lips, and the combination was rapidly driving me toward some unseen edge.

I slipped my hand just under the edge of his boxers, rubbing his lower back as I tilted my head, encouraging his lips to continue. Again, he mimicked my movements, his hand drifting underneath my shirt. His fingers tentatively caressed my ribs, and I moaned loudly at the way his fingertips, calloused from the guitar, teased my skin.

He tensed briefly at the sound, and his kisses slowed, becoming increasingly lighter before he journeyed once more to my mouth. He placed soft, chaste kisses on my lips and then lifted his head to look at me. His hand remained motionless on the bare skin of my abdomen, and I looked up at him with a mixture of confusion and gratitude. It was so much, so fast, and yet not enough. His eyes were filled with conflicting emotions as well as he said quietly, "I'm not going to apologize…not unless you want me to."

"I don't want you to," I whispered, staring into his eyes. "I'm not going to apologize either."

"Good." He gave me that irresistible crooked grin. Now that my mind wasn't in a complete fog, I could feel him pressed firmly against my thigh, and I bit my bottom lip as I realized just how aroused he was. I felt so torn. I was excited to know how much he wanted me, and I was so thankful that he had the control and presence of mind to stop us. At the same time, I just wanted to pull him close and keep going…and never, ever stop. I almost wished he'd push for more – not be the gentleman he was – but that had the potential for disaster, and above all, I didn't want to ruin what we had with one of my breakdowns.

"I love you, Edward," was all I said in the end. I didn't know how to explain the complex web of emotions I felt – all the conflicting desires and fears – but the best thing was that I knew I didn't have to explain. He just understood. Or at least understood enough to take extra care with me.

His smile now was soft and sweet as he murmured, "I love you, Bella," and leaned down to kiss my forehead. With his lips still close, he said quietly, "Maybe we should stop though…" and then pulled back, looking down at me.

Without intending to, I pouted at him, and he chuckled, his eyes bright and happy. "A break, at least?"

I exhaled forcefully and then nodded, lifting up on my elbows. He helped me sit up, guiding me back against the headboard as he glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. "Well…looks like we still have a couple of hours before we need to meet the guys." He worked to lighten his voice, trying to remove the traces of desire still there. "What do you want to do? Hungry?"

I wrinkled my nose as I shook my head. Food was the last thing on my mind, though I probably should've been starving. He nodded with an amused, knowing smirk, and I smacked his arm. "Cocky bastard," I muttered.

He threw back his head and laughed before he shrugged and leaned over to whisper to me. "If it helps, you've made it so I can't think about food either…" Placing a kiss on my temple, he crawled off the bed and stood up, stretching his arms over his head before he picked up his shirt.

As he pulled it over his head and his face disappeared briefly, I said, "Oh hey…I wanted to ask you…why the Decepticons? I would've thought you'd like the Autobots…"

His head popped out through the neck of his shirt, and he slowly pulled the fabric down before trying to smooth his hair, which defied both gravity and his attempts at order. It had dried in the time we'd spent on his bed, and its normal disarray hadn't been helped at all by my fingers running through it. He sat back down on the edge of the bed, a thoughtful look on his face. "Well…first, Emmett was a little drunk when he made the bet. God only knows why he chose cartoon tattoos…I'm sure he thought he'd win and force me to get Rainbow Brite on my face or some shit. But umm…obviously that didn't happen." He shrugged with a weak chuckle. "I guess I was just already feeling…I don't even know the word. I already didn't like who I was. I just couldn't figure out what to do about it yet. So I got the Decepticons symbol. It's really, really stupid, but I guess I didn't feel…worthy…of the Autobots…"

He trailed off, staring at the carpet, and I felt a mixture of amusement and empathy. Feeling unworthy of a symbol from a cartoon was something that would probably occur only to Edward, but I understood all too well what he meant about feeling worthless. I moved away from the headboard, letting my feet dangle over the side of the bed as I put my hand on his thigh and rested my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around me, kissing the top of my head. "I know what you mean," I said simply, and he nodded. I could feel the movement as he smiled, his cheek pressed against my head.

"Anyway, I had the wording added later…after I umm…well, after I figured out how to take control, I guess. It's also sort of a reminder to not make stupid bets with Emmett, especially not when I've been drinking." We laughed quietly together, and I nodded to show I understood.

"Where'd you get the phrase?" I asked.

"It's Shockwave's motto." My head was jostled as he shrugged. I finally had to grin as I raised my head. He turned to look at me, asking, "What?" when he saw my amused expression.

"You searched through Decepticon mottos?"

He chuckled and nodded. "Well, I ended up with a lot of free time…and I wanted something that fit. You're surprised?"

I thought about the attention to detail I'd seen in his apartment as well as the meticulous care he'd always taken with me and shook my head. "Not really, actually."

We settled into a companionable silence, and I wondered if Edward was thinking of that time in his life before he made such a drastic change. My own thoughts were scattered, drifting here and there while I tried to take in everything that had happened recently. I'd had no time to even pause since I'd told Edward about my history, and I felt overwhelmed when I stopped to think about it all. I knew I would need to find some time alone soon, but with our separation at Thanksgiving looming on the horizon, I didn't want to give up what time I had with him now.

"Hey," I broke the hush in the room, "what time's your flight Friday morning?"

"Hmm?" Edward said absently before lifting his head from mine. "Oh, umm…it's just before 8:00."

With a frown, I turned sideways on the bed, pulling both legs up and wrapping my arms around my knees. "So are you guys coming back here Thursday night then?"

He sighed. "We haven't decided yet. Obviously neither of us wants to be away from you two…I was kind of pushing for just not sleeping that night and napping on the plane, but I don't know if Alice is going to go for that or not."

I considered that for a moment. "Well, I guess I could stay up with you...it's a sacrifice giving up all that sleep," I teased. He grinned at me before I continued a little more seriously. "I don't know if I like the idea of you driving all the way from Forks with no sleep though. That's a long trip."

With a shrug, Edward said, "If we leave in the afternoon, I'll be driving before I sleep too. It's just that one way gets me more time with you."

Something in his logic didn't quite work out, but I just smiled at the thought that he wanted more time with me. We talked for a few minutes more about his trip. He said they would have dinner with their family Friday night and then spend the weekend hanging out at his parents' house before flying back Sunday evening. He was looking forward to getting to play his piano and seeing a few relatives he hadn't seen in awhile, but his voice was laced with melancholy as he spoke.

His tone of voice made me really consider what being away from him this weekend would mean. It was the first time we'd been apart for any length of time since we'd met – and obviously the first since we'd admitted our feelings for each other. Strangely, I found myself thinking of the little things I'd miss – his scent, the way his strong hand wrapped around mine, the carefree sound of his laughter – and I suddenly felt like I was going to cry. It was utterly ridiculous. He was going to be gone for only three days, but I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through.

Get a grip, Bella.

Seriously.

Great. They all agreed. So I was definitely being ridiculous.

I sighed, and Edward glanced over at me inquisitively. "What is it?"

Sheepishly, I admitted that I'd been thinking about how much I was going to miss him. He smiled gently and said he felt the same. "It's kind of strange, isn't it?" I mused. "I just mean…it's odd how someone can become so important so quickly. It was just Saturday when I told you I loved you and now I'm moping because I won't be able to smell you for three days…"

There was silence for a beat before Edward's amused voice said, "Smell me?"

Fuck.

Of all the things to say aloud.

"Well not just smell you…but yeah…" I glanced down at the ground before chuckling at myself and lifting my head again. "I was just thinking of all the things I'd miss about you. The little things, you know? And I fucking love the way you smell…" I flopped back on his bed with my arms over my head, my feet still hanging over the side as I closed my eyes.

The bed shifted as Edward settled beside me, and I felt the light weight of his hand resting on my abdomen. I opened my eyes to see that he was lying on his side with his head propped on his palm, clearly entertained as he grinned down at me. "So I smell good, hmm?"

I rolled my eyes but couldn't stop the smile that spread on my face. I let my eyes drift closed again as I nodded with a quiet sigh. When I spoke, my voice was low, and I sensed Edward leaning closer to listen. "It's…well, it's sort of part of what I focus on. When I'm trying to…to stay calm, you know? I think about how I'm with you, and the way you smell always helps. It's…I guess it's part of my safe place."

When Edward still hadn't spoken after a couple of minutes, I opened my eyes to find him looking at me. His expression was hard to read, but I recognized the awe I saw there – I just didn't understand what it meant. My brow furrowed, but before I could speak, he whispered, "I really make you feel safe?" I nodded, enjoying the smile that spread slowly across his face before he leaned down and kissed me tenderly. He was blushing lightly when he said, "Would it help if I left something with you…? A shirt or something?"

My answering grin was huge, and I felt the blush on my own cheeks as I nodded. "That would be awesome, actually."

He smiled again before he hopped up off the bed and walked toward his dresser, but I already knew which shirt I wanted – if he'd let me have it. "Hey, ahh…" A quick glance over his shoulder barely slowed him as he pulled open the top drawer. "I kind of looked around while you were in the shower. Would it be alright if I borrowed…umm…that one?" I nodded toward his closet as I felt the heat from my cheeks spread all the way down my neck.

He followed my gaze with a slight frown and said, "Which one?"

The angle wouldn't let him see into the closet, so he closed the drawer again and crossed his room. He pulled out the jersey and held it up to me with a questioning look. When I nodded, he said, "You want the one with my name on it?" with such an adorable grin that I felt my heart melt a bit.

"Yeah…if you don't mind." I bit my bottom lip when he tugged the shirt off the hanger and brought it back to me.

"I don't mind at all," he said, handing it to me. "I think it might be a little big though."

"I'm sure it's fine…" I pulled the shirt over my head, straightening it over the t-shirt I was already wearing. He was right, of course – it was way too big. It hung off my shoulders and swallowed me, but I was bathed immediately in that faint but delicious fragrance of sandalwood, and my eyes fluttered closed as I inhaled and then exhaled with a soft sigh.

When I opened my eyes again, he was standing back, looking down at me with desire clear in his eyes. I arched an eyebrow, and in response, he said, "You look really fucking good in my shirt." He kept his distance, standing a few feet away.

I said, "So you know…as soon as we get in your car and leave here…" I glanced at the clock pointedly, "in an hour or so, we're not going to have any more time alone until you get back from Chicago. We're either going to be playing or spending time with family, so if there's, you know, anything you want to do without all the guys watching…now might be a good time…"

Edward was immediately in motion, walking toward me determinedly, and I smiled as our lips met in a soft kiss.

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A/N – Thanks to Ahelm, kimberlycullen10, and naelany for putting up with my obsessive behavior and reading parts of this for me! You are awesome, and I love you dearly.

I posted an outtake under "More of the Guys" a couple of weeks ago, though I think not a lot of you have seen it. If you would like to read Edward's POV of their first kiss – as well as all the things that happened the rest of that night – check it out!

Also, several of you questioned the title of the last chapter – "Some Lovely Glorious Nothing" – saying that it was most indeed something. I posted an explanation with the outtake, but I'm copying it here just in case…

The phrase "some lovely glorious nothing" is in a line from "Air and Angels." It refers to the pure love that humans can sense but not grasp, and it is that glorious nothing that has to take a physical form so that it can be recognized and embraced. Obviously, in this instance, it is meant to reference the physical form of Edward's love that can be found as Bella. Also, the title of the outtake – "My Love's Sphere" – refers to the physical form of the speaker's love.

Oh, and a post with the tattoos can be found here as well. Special thanks to kimberlycullen10 for adding the text to Edward's for me! Love you, bb

And to think I hate long A/Ns… *sighs*

/epic A/N