JOotG Chapter 9 - Heresy

A/N: I don't own anything you might remotely recognize.

Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. "Heresy" belongs to Nine Inch Nails. "Run Like Hell" belongs to Pink Floyd. "She Loves You" belongs to the Beatles.

And I belong to Edward. Sigh.

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BPOV

I leaned against the door frame, squinting against the uncharacteristically bright sunlight as I watched Edward pull away with a wave. I stood a moment longer and then sighed the girliest sigh I had ever heard. I didn't know I had it in me.

I was still standing there when Jasper brushed past me, freshly showered. He grinned at me knowingly, tickled my ribs, and waved as he got into his car.

When he glanced up at me through his windshield before backing out, I stuck my tongue out at him. That's right. I was officially a twelve year old girl.

To my great annoyance, he just laughed at me and shook his head before leaving. I pushed away from the door frame and went into the apartment, physically and mentally exhausted. Thankfully, all of my inner voices had quieted, and I was surprised to realize that I felt…content.

I walked down the hall to my bedroom, stumbling over my own feet along the way. I closed my door and flopped down onto my bed, curling up on my side and snuggling under the covers. I was suddenly intensely glad I'd decided to wear my pajamas last night so I was more comfortable right now.

Reveling in the warmth and comfort beneath my favorite quilt, I was nearly asleep when – all at once – my inner voices began babbling, arguing with each other.

Why "Air and Angels"? Does he know the meaning?

No…he can't, right?

Well, I guess he could, but he couldn't mean it that way. I mean, we just met, and he doesn't date…

Yeah, because he's maybe gay, right?

Right. But…well, he kept watching me at the movies.

Watching you? A little presumptuous, don't you think?

Yeah, I mean, if he is gay, he could have been looking at Jasper.

Jasper is a good-looking guy.

I had tried to drown out the voices, but now my eyes popped open and widened. Somehow I had gone from simply wondering if Edward knew what "Air and Angels" meant to deciding he might be into Jasper. A part of me felt ridiculous, but a larger part of me wondered if it could be true.

I tried again to quiet the voices and go to sleep, but now that they had broken free, they questioned me relentlessly. I swayed precariously between hoping that Edward might feel for me a small part of what I felt for him to despairing that he might want Jasper. And, strangely, the idea that he might like Jasper was more acceptable to me than that he might just…not want me. At least if he was gay, that would be reason enough for him to not be interested in me.

With a sigh, I stood. No way would I be able to sleep now. I decided to clean my room to try to quiet the voices so I would be able to sleep. When I finished that, I moved on to my bathroom. Then the living room. Then the kitchen. By the time I was cleaning Jasper's bathroom, I was frustrated and annoyed, and I wished Edward had just picked some other damn poem so I wouldn't have to spend all day arguing with myself and trying to figure out if he meant anything by it.

Oh, whatever. You love that he picked it. Besides, even if he'd quoted "The Canonization," then you would have been wondering if he wanted to sleep with you. Face it – you're only obsessing over this because You're. Falling. In. Love. With. Him.

It was the longest soliloquy my inner voice had ever delivered, and I felt the toilet brush fall from my hand as I stood up straight, stunned. My eyes wide, I found my reflection in the mirror and noted absently that the color had drained from my cheeks, and my lips were arranged in a surprised 'o'.

I waited for one of my other voices – one of the rational ones – to tell me that wasn't true. But absolute silence reigned in my head.

I'm in love with him? I asked.

All I heard was giggling, as if the question were too inane to even answer.

Suddenly shaky, I sat down on the side of Jasper's tub. I exhaled, my eyes still trained on my reflection. As my breathing sped up and grew closer to panting, I felt woozy and leaned over, folding my arms on my knees and resting my cheek against them as I closed my eyes.

I'm falling in love with Edward.

Fucking hell, what do I do now?

I listened and…nothing.

Great. You guys are soooo full of wisdom when it comes to deciding I'm in love, but when it comes to what to do about it, you're suddenly fucking mutes. Thanks.

Still nothing.

I don't know how long I sat like that, lost in a daze, but when my mind finally restarted, my legs and ass were asleep from sitting on the side of the tub. I stood unsteadily and blinked at my reflection, a look of bewilderment on my face.

I bit my bottom lip and furrowed my brow, still staring at myself. My mind could think of only one thing, over and over and over.

What the fuck do I do?

What the fuck do I do?

What the fuck do I do?

Eventually, the answer came to me. The same thing I always do – talk to Jasper. But, suddenly, I knew it wasn't Jasper I wanted to talk to. I mean, I would need to talk to him, and I definitely would, but I wanted to talk to…Alice.

Huh.

Part of me remembered the last time I'd chosen to talk to a girl friend before talking to Jasper, and I cringed away from the memory, but not before I felt the anguish.

Fear. Hate. Blue eyes. Scarring. Ripping. Betrayal.

I shook my head forcefully, taking a shaky breath. I gritted my teeth and clenched my jaw. I would not let the result of that conversation steer me away from Alice. The two were nothing alike.

Decision made, I felt strangely lighter. I knew that nothing had changed – I still had some seriously major issues to face, not the least of which was that even if I could get past my issues, there were still Edward's to contend with – and that whole minor issue of if he was even interested in me. Nothing big. But still, I felt better just knowing that I had made a decision, and that I would be talking to Alice to find out what I could. So, perversely perhaps, I began humming as I cleaned, finishing up Jasper's bathroom and moving on to start our laundry.

As I made my way through the apartment with our sheets in hand, I noticed that it was just noon. It would still be a few hours before Jasper and Alice got home. I decided to bake to pass the time, and I started the oven preheating on my way to the laundry room.

I spent the afternoon baking, doing laundry, and otherwise being domestic. Ironically, this is something I actually enjoy. There's something wholesome and healing about doing simple things to improve our lives.

Around 3:00, I pulled the pepperoni bread out of the oven and took off my apron. I put the bread on a cooling rack beside the amaretto cheesecake I'd already baked before I washed my hands and decided to go take a shower, knowing Jasper and Alice should be home before much longer.

As the fragrance of strawberries from my shampoo filled the steamy shower, I thought about how, exactly, to get Alice alone – and what I would say to her when I did. Somehow I didn't think I could go with, "Oh, remember that whole 'I don't date' thing? Yeah, well, see…I've decided that I want your brother. Badly. So I need you to help me with that whole 'he doesn't date' thing."

Especially since…well…since I wasn't sure I could date Edward. I wasn't really sure I was physically or emotionally able.

I bit my bottom lip, sighing softly. Why did it have to be me?

I felt a tear slide down my cheek, becoming lost in the hot water of the shower, as my thoughts drifted far from Edward. Thankfully, I didn't think of the cause of it all…just the…well, the aftermath. I leaned against the wall of the shower, gently beating my forehead against the cool tile as I let my mind go blank.

When the water began to grow cold, I pushed myself away. I finished cleaning robotically before stepping out and drying off quickly. I gave myself a half-smile in the foggy mirror, shaking my head at the redness of my eyes.

I exhaled roughly and wrapped a towel around myself, yanking my brush through my hair. I kept my mind carefully blank, and I was happy to note that by the time I finished, my face looked almost normal. I went to my dresser, pulling out my Cowboy Bebop t-shirt. It had a huge picture of Ed holding Ein on the front and the logo on the back across the shoulders. I tried to tell myself it wasn't because Ed named herself Edward, but the stupid grin on my face told me otherwise.

As I was pulling the shirt over my head, I heard the front door opening and the sound of Alice and Jasper's voices. I quickly threw on my jeans, grabbing socks on my way out the door.

I knew the smell of pepperoni bread would pull Jasper to the kitchen, so I made my way there, giggling when I saw him with a knife poised over the loaf.

"And what if that wasn't meant for you, mister?" I arched an eyebrow at him.

He pouted. "You wouldn't do that to me, Bells, would you?" His eyes were big, and he stuck his lower lip out. I had to laugh at him.

"Go ahead," I said, and I stepped toward Alice, giving her a tentative hug. She looked surprised, but she hugged me back tightly. "How'd the show go?"

"Great! I even got an invitation to help with another one next week!" She bounced up and down a couple of times and clapped her hands.

"That's awesome, Alice!" I smiled at her. "Did Jasper behave himself?" I asked, playfully nudging the back of his knee with my toe while he stuffed his face with the gooey pepperoni bread.

"He was a perfect gentleman," she beamed.

Jasper turned then, his hands a greasy mess as he nodded.

"Yeah, he looks like one." I snickered and shook my head, turning on the water for him.

He looked down at my t-shirt and then back up at my face, a huge grin slowly spreading on his lips.

Fuck.

I should have known Jasper would guess the silly reason for my choice of shirts. He knew me too fucking well. I just arched an eyebrow at him.

I didn't think it was possible, but he smiled even wider before turning to wash his hands. Once he finished, he shook them, slinging water everywhere. I've been trying to break him of that habit for years, but that one seems to be fucking permanent.

"Jasper," Alice's voice held a tone of reproof, and when I glanced at her, I saw that she had one perfectly groomed eyebrow arched. Jasper blushed and looked down, reaching for a towel.

My eyes wide, I turned to look at Alice. Damn. I had new respect for the pixie. Maybe she really did have magical powers.

She trilled a giggle and smiled at me, her silver eyes shining.

Jasper glanced suspiciously between the two of us. After a long moment, he said, "Bells, Alice and I are going out to dinner. Do you want to come?"

I smiled softly. He really was such a sweetheart. But no, I had no real desire to be the third wheel. "Actually, I'm just going to play some WoW, I think. I missed my dailies yesterday, you know," I teased. I hadn't minded in the least bit. Huh. I really hadn't.

Jasper grinned and nodded. "Well, I'm going to go take a shower and get ready. Do you mind hanging out with Alice until I'm done?"

Did I mind?

I grinned. "Nah, Alice and I will be fine." I couldn't believe my luck. I had Alice to myself…now there was just that whole what-the-fuck-to-say problem.

As Jasper left us, I noticed Alice eyeing the cheesecake. Food is always a good conversation starter. "Do you like cheesecake?"

"Mmm…too much! I didn't know you could bake! My mom and I used to get cheesecake at the coffee shop on the corner. It was so good! What kind is it?" Alice seemed to be on full-speed mode, but maybe that would be a good thing.

"Amaretto…nothing too different, but I like the hint of almonds. Would you like a slice? Maybe some wine?" I didn't know why I was offering wine, but Alice seemed to like it…and maybe she'd talk more freely if she got a little tipsy. I repressed a snicker.

"Yummy!" Alice answered. I took that as a yes and got us both a serving of cheesecake with wine. I motioned toward the living room, and Alice led the way. We settled onto the couch, and I felt my cheeks heat as I remembered Edward sitting just where Alice was all night last night. Alice noticed the blush and arched an eyebrow, but she didn't comment.

She took a bite of her cheesecake and moaned in appreciation. "God…I'm going to have a hard time competing with this, you know." Her voice was teasingly petulant.

I laughed. "Jasper's been eating my cooking for years…but he's never gotten up at 8:00 to go to a fashion show before." Jasper was batshit crazy about Alice. She should know that.

Alice smiled quietly, spending a few minutes just nibbling at her cheesecake and sipping her wine.

Grr. I'd been counting on her babbling to create an opening for my questions, but it didn't seem like that was going to happen. My cheesecake sat on my knee forgotten as I bit my bottom lip. I swirled my wine, trying to think of a way to approach her.

As if sensing my unease, Alice said, "So you and Edward seemed to get along okay. Did you have a good time last night?"

Just like that. No teasing. No weirdness.

For a girl, Alice really was awesome.

I smiled quietly, and I'm sure it was goofy as hell, but I couldn't seem to help myself. "I did. Edward was great – very funny and smart. You were right." I left out the fucking gorgeous part.

Alice nodded, studiously taking a bite of her cheesecake, but I noticed that the corners of her lips twitched. Tricksy pixie. Did she set me up?

I shrugged. I didn't care if she had.

"So umm…Edward is probably going to get my number from you. He wants to come back to watch more MST3K sometime. And you need to, too, you know." I poked her knee.

Alice's head snapped up at that, her eyes wide. "Really?" she asked incredulously.

Jesus. Is it that fucking hard to believe that someone like Edward would want to hang out with someone like me?

Yes.

I grimaced.

"Uh, yeah…why? Is that weird or something?" I tried to sound as normal as I could.

"Well, it's just…" Alice trailed off and was quiet for a long moment. "I'm just surprised, honestly. Edward doesn't really have girl friends. Kind of like you." She stuck her tongue out at me, and I had to grin. Alice and I really were becoming friends. It was…weird, but…well, good.

A thought occurred to me. "Maybe umm…maybe he doesn't think of me as a girl…" I looked down, taking a bit of cheesecake for something to do, though I didn't think I would be able to swallow it past the lump in my throat.

It was quiet for a beat too long before Alice's gentle voice finally said, "No, I don't think that's it."

I looked up at her. I don't know what she saw in my expression, but she sighed and put her plate on the end table beside her glass, turning to look at me earnestly. She bit the inside of her cheek – huh, just like Jasper – and thought for a minute. When she finally spoke, her words tumbled out quickly, one on top of each other, making it difficult for me to catch them all. "Look, Bella, I really like you. And of course, I love Edward. And I know that neither of you date, but there was something there last night. I've never seen him look at someone like that before. And I don't know if either of you is ready or what will happen, but I think you could be good for each other. But I don't want to see either of you get hurt because I don't think I could stand that, so I just don't know what to do."

I blinked.

Finally, I found my voice. "Damn, don't be afraid to tell me how you really feel. Stop holding back." I grinned at her, but I felt stunned.

She gave a faint smile. "Bella…" she reached over and took my hand in her tiny one. "It's okay. Well, it's going to be okay. I can't even imagine how…how scary this must be. But Edward is a good guy. And you're an amazing woman. I just have a good feeling about this."

She patted my hand, biting the inside of her cheek again. "The only thing I can't see is…how in the world this will work out. I have no idea how you'll get there, but I have no doubts you will." Her smile was gentle, and something in it gave me hope.

Of course, the hope was in my heart…in my head, I was screaming, WHAT THE FUCK?? at the top of my mental lungs.

A smaller voice whispered, Get where, exactly?

Aloud, I said, "Why doesn't Edward have girl friends?"

"Well," Alice began, and her voice was a little slower, "he's tried, but the girls never want to be just friends. Even if they say that's what they want and start out that way, well…he's a charming one without even meaning to be. And he's pretty good looking…" She tilted her head, looking up. "So he'll start out being friends with a girl, but then she'll make her intentions known and…well…the whole not dating thing…" She shrugged. "He's really given up on it. I never even see him around girls any more. Up until last night with you, of course."

I bit my bottom lip. Edward tried to be friends with girls, and it never worked out because the girl fucked it up. I couldn't do that. I couldn't let that happen. And he'd gone into this knowing I didn't date either.

Shit.

I sighed, about to ask Alice what I should do, when Jasper's door opened, and he came wandering out, bringing the scent of cedar and grapefruit with him. He smiled when he saw us sitting on the couch, and Alice jumped up, bounding into his arms. He kissed her tenderly, running the pad of his thumb along her cheek as he smiled against her lips.

Something in me ached.

I imagined for a moment how it would feel if Edward kissed me like that, and I was stunned when I felt panic grip my chest.

Fear. Hatred. Beating. Blue eyes. High heels. Falling. Breaking.

I blinked rapidly, unable to control my sudden intake of breath. Why the fuck would I get those flashes now? I hadn't been thinking about anything…

Fucking Hell.

Jasper had noticed my gasp and was at my side in a second, resting a hand on my knee as he knelt beside me. "Bells? You okay?" His blue eyes were concerned as he studied my face.

I took a steadying breath, willing myself to find the control I didn't think I had at the moment. I had to get them out of here, had to be alone. I needed to figure this shit out.

"I'm fine, really," I lied, knowing he'd never believe me. "I just almost spilled my wine…clumsy me." I held up my glass, my hand shaking slightly. My eyes were begging Jasper to just drop it and leave. He frowned.

"You're sure you're okay?" He whispered, his voice pitched low for me alone. The love and concern in his eyes calmed me enough to let me give a small smile. I nodded and bit my bottom lip, promising him with my eyes that we would talk about it later…and that I would be okay until then.

His face tightened before he stood, forcing a chuckle, "You never were graceful, that's for sure."

I smiled up at him genuinely this time. Thank you, my eyes said.

Alice's face was carefully blank. I had no idea what she was thinking. She had been cool when I freaked out before, but…I wondered if it was different now that she knew I was maybe interested in her brother.

After they left, I absently put my glass on the table beside me and curled up on the couch, resting my forehead against my knees. I wasn't really thinking about anything, and I didn't realize I was crying until my shoulders began shaking. My thoughts restarted then, and I was fucking livid.

My mind couldn't even form coherent words, just angry flashes of colors and impressions. Finally, my frustration and anger boiled over, and I screamed. My fingers knotted in my hair as my screams turned to growls, and I shook my head, panting as I finally quieted.

It was SO FUCKING UNFAIR!

I pushed myself off the couch and stalked down the hallway, kicking my door open with a vengeance. I yanked my jeans down and pulled out sweatpants, tugging them on roughly. I crammed my feet into my tennis shoes, knotting them in my haste. Throwing my hair up into a messy ponytail, I snatched up my iPod and put my earbuds into my ears and went out the front door, slamming it on the way.

I exhaled sharply and even gave a small, ironic smile as "Heresy" blasted in my ears. As my feet found the rhythm of the song, pounding against the pavement as I ran, my thoughts began to interject themselves, angry at myself, him, the world.

"He sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see," my iPod sang.

Fucking asshole. How dare he fuck me up like this?

"He tries to tell me what I put inside of me."

I am such a fucking train wreck. All because of him.

As I continued to run, my anger drained, replaced by weariness and desire and helplessness and longing.

I didn't like this. Didn't like the anger any more than the fear. It was all still power. Power that he had over me.

"Your God is dead, and no one cares. If there is a hell, I will see you there."

I frowned at the words. I paused, jogging in place as I looked down at my iPod. The song had really been my theme song at one point, but it felt…wrong, now. It didn't fit.

I smiled quietly to myself. There was a kind of victory in that, and I began to feel hopeful again. I was still a wreck, but…but maybe there was hope for me.

Still, I wasn't about to stop my run, so I flipped through my songs, landing on "Run Like Hell" by Pink Floyd. It had always been a favorite of mine. I gave myself over to the sensation of my body working as I ran for a few miles, and by the time I returned, I felt somewhat better.

I was still lost and confused, and I had no idea what the fuck to do about Edward, but I felt like I'd had a small triumph today.

So I was in a much better frame of mind as I returned to the apartment. I flipped my iPod onto the counter in the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water from the pitcher in our refrigerator. I was sweaty and gross and would need another shower, so I kicked off my shoes and was heading to my room when I heard music from somewhere.

I walked into the living room, spotting my phone on the end table just as I made out what it was playing.

I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot no deputy.

I laughed out loud, shaking my head. Jasper had been playing with my ringtones again. I flipped open my phone, not bothering to look at my caller ID as I said, "Hey Dad."

My father was the chief of police in Forks, and Jasper always made sure my ringtone reflected that. My mind was still on Jasper's penchant for screwing with my ringtones as I listened to Charlie talk about his latest fishing trip with his friends Harry and Billy. The last time Jasper had chosen Charlie's ringtone, I had discovered it in the middle of a lecture I was giving on Edmund Spenser. I was just mentioning the Spenserian stanza when I heard, "Fuck tha police coming straight from the underground" blaring from my pocket. I flushed bright red and managed to silence it just as it sang, "Young nig-" My class had exploded into laughter.

Charlie's voice came back into focus when he said, "So, have you talked to Jake lately?"

I repressed a sigh. "He was just here a couple of weeks ago, Charlie." I typically didn't call him Charlie when I was talking to him directly, but his insistence that there was something between me and Billy's son Jacob was wearing. Jacob was a great friend, but he'd never been anything more – and never would be. "And Jasper and I talk to him online all the time."

"Oh…" Charlie was quiet for a minute. "So you haven't talked to him other than that?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, not really. Hey, listen, I was talking to Jasper, and Mrs. Hale invited us for Thanksgiving again. I know it's three weeks away, but I want to give her an answer soon. You want to go again this year?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Charlie's voice was enthusiastic. Between me and Mama Hale, our Thanksgiving dinner was always phenomenal. Charlie and I had been patrons of the Hale family Thanksgiving since I moved back to Forks just before my senior year in high school.

We exchanged a few more pleasantries before hanging up. My run and my talk with Charlie had left me feeling relatively normal again, so I decided to take a shower and play WoW to pass the time until Jasper came home. Given my…well, I guess it was an epiphany of sorts - my victory during my run, anyway – I knew our conversation tonight would be interesting, to say the least. I just wished I could guess how Jasper would react.

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JPOV

I was still thinking of what Alice had said to me as I parked and got out to go into the apartment. I walked slowly, pondering her words.

Alice looked up at me over her sushi, chopsticks in hand, her silver eyes wide and earnest. "Jazz…I need to talk to you."

I tried not to frown. I always hated those words. "What is it, Alice?"

"I talked to Bella earlier, while you were in the shower," she began, and I was lost for a moment in the movement of her lips before I focused again when she spoke. "I think she's interested in Edward. Like interested interested."

I frowned slightly this time. "Yeah…I sort of noticed." I sighed.

Alice's face fell slightly, and it took me a moment to figure out why. "Oh, Alice, sweetheart…I'm not upset that Bella's interested in Edward." How could she still not be aware of how utterly in love with her I was? I must not be doing a very good job… "I'm just worried about whether or not she'll be able to handle it. And…given what you've told me about him…I don't know how he'll react. If she ends up hurt again…" My hand clenched into a fist beneath the table.

Alice smiled slightly. "Don't worry about Edward," she said. "I've never seen him look at someone like he did Bella. If she's interested…he's hers. I have no doubts. But…well, I don't want to see him hurt, any more than you do Bella."

I nodded slowly before I exhaled a sigh. "This is new territory, Alice. I mean, Bella tried dating once after…well, after it happened." I flashed Alice an apologetic smile. We'd agreed that it was Bella's story to tell, but I didn't like keeping anything from her. "It ended badly. I can't make any promises about what she'll do. I don't think even she could tell you. But I do know that if, somehow, she were to ever hurt him, it wouldn't be intentional. It would be a result of…" I trailed off, leaving it at that.

Nodding slowly, Alice suddenly smiled. "Well, it's a good thing this conversation is entirely unnecessary."

I arched an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"They're going to be great for each other. I just know it."

I had reached the door and put my key in the lock, smiling quietly when I realized that only the porch and living room lights were on. Bella must be having an okay night.

I snorted as I heard Bella singing from the office. She was decent most of the time, but she never could sing with her headphones on. She was listening to the Beatles, and her voice warbled, "She said she loves you, and you know that can't be baaaad."

When I walked into the office, she looked up at me, grinning as she continued singing. I laughed out loud, and she finally took off her headphones.

"Don't let me interrupt," I teased. "You were giving quite the concert there."

She snickered. "Nah, I just finished up my last quest. I would've been done ages ago, but fucking Freda pulled me into an instance run." She set her headphones to the side and stood, stretching. "Same as always. That dude sucks."

She glanced at me sheepishly. "So umm…I guess we should talk."

Twice in one night. At least I'd been expecting this one. I nodded and tickled her gently before I led the way into the living room. It was an unspoken thing, and I really didn't even think about it anymore, but it really pissed me off that she hated to have people walk behind her. Asshole.

I flopped down on my end of the couch in the living room, and she sat on her end, pulling one of the throw pillows into her lap. I studied her face, noting a strange mixture of trepidation and excitement.

"So umm…" she started, and her cheeks instantly flamed bright red. "I…" she trailed off, biting her bottom lip. I smiled at her encouragingly and nodded.

She took a deep breath and tried again. This time her words came out in a short burst before she buried her face in the pillow. "IlikeEdward."

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. It had been years since I'd seen her like this. I felt a befuddling combination of emotions. I felt the urge to giggle and celebrate with her, but I was also scared shitless about how this was going to go. I waited until she peeked up at me, just her eyes lifting above the pillow.

When she saw me grinning at her, she lowered the pillow fully, and the silliest grin was on her face. I snorted at her, and she smacked me on the head with the pillow. "Don't fucking laugh at me!" she ordered, but she giggled as she said it. For a few minutes, we sat on the couch laughing stupidly together, and it felt like the weight of the past seven years was lifted.

I knew it would be back, but in the meantime, it felt fucking great.

"That's awesome, Bells," I said simply. I didn't want to make a big deal out of this. I knew she had a hard time feeling normal, whatever the fuck that was. "He seems like a good guy. And he has a great family." I winked.

She nodded and sighed a wistful sigh. I relished in the stupid, giddy look on her face. All too soon, though, her face started to fall, and she gave a real sigh.

"Jazz…I don't know what to do," she said simply, her voice plaintive.

I opened my arms, and she slid over, leaning into me and resting her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head and said, "I know, Bells."

We sat like that for a long time, each lost in our own thoughts. I wished I had magic words that would make this all perfect, but there just weren't any. This was going to be messy and hard and possibly painful.

I sighed. Bella looked up at me.

"What is it?" she asked. I told her honestly what I'd been thinking. We didn't keep things from each other, no matter how tough.

She nodded and took a shaky breath, raising up and turning to face me. "Jazz, I think…I think I want to try…" She trailed off and bit her bottom lip. "But what if it's like…last time? With Mike?"

She blinked rapidly, and her breathing hitched. I knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Bella…hear me now. It didn't work with Mike because you weren't comfortable with him. You didn't trust him fully, and you didn't feel very strongly for him. That's all." I looked at her sternly. I wouldn't have her fucking thinking she could never be close to anyone.

After a small pause, I reminded her gently, "You didn't have any issues when it was me." I felt the blush heat my cheeks as a matching one spread on her face. She looked up at me through her eyelashes.

"Umm…yeah. Sorry about that…again." She giggled nervously and bit her bottom lip.

I pulled her back to me and kissed the top of her head. "Silly girl. Don't ever apologize for that. Nothing happened anyway."

I straightened up, causing her to straighten in response as I looked seriously into her eyes. "But it could have. You were fine. Remember that."

"Yeah, right up until I laughed at you," she laughed again, blushing furiously. "And I am sorry about that. You know it wasn't you…"

I laughed with her. "Bells, we've been over this. My wounded ego is long since healed," I teased her.

I watched her face as several emotions crossed it in response to her thoughts. Finally, she took a deep breath. "Jasper, I talked to Alice today. And…well, she said that he never has friends that are girls because the girl always 'makes her intentions clear' eventually. I…I know I just met him, but I don't think I can go without seeing him. I don't know if I can date him, though. And I don't know if I can just be his friend. What the fuck do I do?"

Sighing quietly, I took her hand and gave her a small, half-smile. "I wish I had an answer, Bella…I really do. But it seems to me that friendships and relationships both start out the same way – with time. Companionship. Get to know him. See what you feel for him after you've been around him a little longer." I shrugged gently. "Hopefully that will give you both time to see how you feel."

Her brow furrowed, and she looked worried. "Jazz…how did you decide it was right with Alice?" She spoke in a small voice as she studied the pattern on the sofa.

I knew she wasn't talking about dating now, and I considered her question as seriously as she asked it. It was different for me. I didn't carry the baggage she did. But I would answer her as honestly as I could.

"I just knew it was. I wish I could tell you there was something more, but…I just looked in her eyes, and I saw the love that I felt for her reflected back at me, and it was…right. And there is nothing like your first time. It's exciting and wonderful and awe-inspiring. When it's right for you, Bella, you'll know."

She blinked rapidly. "It's not my first time. I'm not a virgin." Her voice broke on the last word.

My hand went to her chin of its own accord, my fingertips digging into her flesh as I forced her to look at me. "Yes, it fucking is," I hissed. "You better not even think of considering what that motherfuc-"

She cut me off, jerking her chin out of my hand as anger flashed in her eyes. "Denying it doesn't make it go away, Jasper. It fucking happened." She opened her mouth to continue but closed it with a sob, tears spilling onto her cheeks.

I closed my eyes, clenching my jaw as I worked to control my rage. When I opened them again, I forced my anger aside and focused on my concern for my best friend. I pulled her into my arms again and held her as she cried.

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A/N: If you're interested in knowing what happened "that night" between Bella and Jasper, be sure to check out chapter one of "More of the Guys"!