A/N: Stephenie Meyers owns all things Twilight. I just made some of the characters geeks.
Any songs and other coolness mentioned belong to their respective owners as well.
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BPOV
I watched Edward's headlights flash across my doorway and fade as his car drove away before I stepped back inside and locked the door. I rested my forehead against the wood and sighed softly, a silly grin on my face. My mind was completely blank.
Gradually, I became aware of a tingling along the knuckles of my hand, and I looked down, biting my bottom lip as I studied it. A squeal erupted from my lips, and I swear I did a little dance in place. Then I tore off down the hall toward Jasper's room. He was obviously expecting me, as his door was standing open.
He was already in bed, just hanging up the phone. He had a goofy smile on his face, and he arched an eyebrow at me as I threw myself across his room, landing and bouncing on the bed.
He laughed at me, but there was a look of pure happiness in his eyes.
Jasper tilted his head and looked at me with an impish grin as he said, "So…is there anything you want to tell me, Miss Swan?"
We had a new tradition of sorts. It had started on Thursday night when he'd returned from taking Alice home.
He came home and found me in the center of his bed, bouncing up and down like a kid who'd had too much sugar. I was biting my bottom lip, and I couldn't seem to stop moving. He looked concerned at first, until he took in the obvious excitement in my eyes.
Then he laughed and jumped onto the bed beside me, tickling me until I told him what had happened between Edward and me. I was afraid it would sound stupid – I mean…it was just his hand on my shin and then his fingers caressing my cheek, right? But Jasper understood. He always understands.
He celebrated with me, and then he asked tentatively, "So were you…okay?" He looked down at the comforter as he said it, and I knew he was trying not to ruin my mood. He was just concerned, and I loved him for it. I waited in silence until he finally looked up at me.
Then I smiled quietly and said, "Yeah…I was." His grin broadened then, and he started teasing me.
"My, my, Miss Swan…I do believe you have an admirer," he exaggerated his own slight Southern accent. "Are you going to allow the gentleman to call on you again?" His blue eyes were twinkling with mirth.
I felt a blush spread across my cheeks as I said, "Actually…he's coming over Sunday to watch us raid."
I saw a brief flash of…wariness, I think, in Jasper's eyes. His smile returned too quickly for me to be sure though.
He laughed and said in his normal voice, "That's awesome, Bells…seriously. So…do you like him?"
I rolled my eyes at him. What a stupid question.
We talked for a couple of hours until I realized it was past two, and I had to teach a class at 9:00. I grumbled and stood, not wanting to forget the feeling of Edward's fingers brushing my cheek, but as I settled in to sleep that night, that gentle caress worked its way into my dreams.
We hadn't had time to talk after Edward left this morning because Alice was still here. The three of us had played more Wii and then made pancakes together at 6:00 before Jasper took Alice home. By the time he'd gotten back, I'd been sound asleep in bed.
I looked at Jasper's curious expression and nearly tried to play it cool before I realized the ridiculous grin on my lips and my squeal had already given me away. So instead, I let the silly smile spread and the excitement become plain on my face.
"Remember when I beat Alice at hula hoop Saturday?" I asked.
Jasper nodded.
"Well…when I went to sit down, I sat a little closer than before. I don't know how to explain it, Jazz…I…I like sitting near him…" I bit my bottom lip.
He smiled and stretched out on the bed, one hand behind his head as he reclined on his side. "That's a good thing, Bells…" Like always, I heard what he didn't say. It was normal to want to be close to someone. I frowned slightly before pushing that thought away, not liking what it said about me.
I reached for one of his pillows, pulling it into my lap and hugging it as I continued. "Well...I decided to…try…you know, how we talked about?"
Jasper nodded. One of the many things we'd discussed Thursday night was the fact that I wanted to try to be closer, physically, to Edward. He and I weren't going to get anywhere without my knowing if I could handle touching him. My heart ached with the thought that I might not be able to. I wanted nothing more than to touch him and hold him and have him hold me…but I couldn't be sure yet that I wouldn't lose it and hurt him.
Jasper had suggested I start small, maybe try holding his hand. And…well, I thought Edward would like that. I mean, he'd touched my cheek, after all. But what if he didn't? What if he really just wanted to be my friend because he found me entertaining somehow, but he didn't want more? What if he was hanging out with me because I was "safe"?
The doubts had nearly driven me insane, and I'd spent all day both Friday and Saturday vacillating between my determination to try and my fear that I would be making a fool of myself one way or another. I hadn't voiced my concerns to Jasper, though. I felt…silly, and I knew Jasper would say Edward was interested…but how could he know, really?
So I'd gone into last night with more than a few reservations. I had all of my normal anxieties about physical contact with someone, plus these new ones that were battering me emotionally. I don't know what I would do if Edward wasn't interested in me.
"So when I sat down, I couldn't look at him. God, Jazz, I could feel him right next to me, and I could smell him and…hell," I shook my head and then brought my hand to the top of the pillow, resting my chin on the back of my hand as I tried to hide my grin. He always smelled so good, like sandalwood and vanilla and…Edward. I sighed longingly.
Jasper gave a knowing smile, clearly seeing through me.
"Well…I…" I began, and then stopped, biting my bottom lip. This was embarrassing.
Jasper arched an eyebrow and looked at me pointedly. "Bella. You know you can tell me anything. Didn't I tell you about Sixteen Candles?"
I couldn't help giggling. "Yes, yes, you did, Mr. Ryan," I teased him with a wink. He rolled his eyes, and I snickered. Then I realized that he would be doing the snickering soon, and I frowned.
I looked past him to the headboard as I spoke, hoping that if I kept my eyes off him, it would somehow lessen the teasing I was in for. "Alright, well…umm…" I sighed. How could something so small be so hard to say? I decided to just say it as quickly as possible, without thinking.
"Okay," I began again. "So when I sat back down, his hand was really close…so I just put mine next to his. You know, just to see, well, really how both of us would react, I guess. And he didn't move, so I moved mine a little bit closer, and then I was touching him." My breath caught for a moment, as I remembered the brief flash of blue eyes I'd seen.
"For a second, I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. I…I saw…his eyes…" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "But I just kept it there and waited and tried to control my breathing, and then I realized it felt…nice. Really nice."
I opened my eyes to see Jasper watching me, concern and affection in his blue eyes as he whispered, "Oh, Bella…" He blinked a couple of times, and I hated to see that his eyes looked a little red around the edges.
He didn't say anything else, for which I was grateful, so I continued, "And then, when I felt okay again, I sort of…moved my pinkie against his." I blushed, realizing that, yes, it did sound as stupid as I thought it would.
But Jasper just said, "And what did he do?"
I felt the giddy smile returning to my face when I said, "He umm…well, he did it back and then…" I giggled suddenly and hid my face in the pillow.
God, I really am stupid.
Shut. Up.
Yeah, seriously, shut up.
Well, that was new…my voices had never ganged up on each other before.
"Then…what?" I heard Jasper ask before I finally looked back up at him.
"Then he wrapped his pinkie around mine, and we sat that way for a long time, almost kinda holding hands. Up until Alice made him get up and play again." I couldn't help the pout that formed on my face, making Jasper laugh quietly.
"So that's why you two looked so annoyed…" he trailed off.
I blushed. "Edward was annoyed too?"
"Umm…yeah. You didn't notice?" he asked in an incredulous voice.
"No…I…I couldn't look," I blushed further with my admission. I'd been too afraid of what I'd see to look at him. I still wasn't quite sure he was interested in me. I mean interested interested.
Jasper arched an eyebrow. "Well, trust me…he wasn't happy. Did you not notice how he suddenly couldn't play even though he'd been kicking our asses all night?"
Huh.
"Oh…I guess so…" This news surprised me. I guess I didn't notice at the time because I was trying not to hyperventilate from the fact that I'd been touching Edward. In fact, I'd barely noticed that he played at all. I spent the time having a frantic conversation with myself, trying to decide what I'd do when he came back.
By the time he returned, I still hadn't made a decision. It seemed pretty obvious that he must like me on some level. I mean…I held Jasper's hand – and even Jake and some of the other guys - but it didn't seem like something that normal, casual friends did. I was puzzling over this when he sat down beside me, and his heat and scent completely disrupted my mental processes, stunning me for a moment. Thankfully, Alice interrupted then, trying to get me to play. I really didn't feel like standing up at the time – I was too embroiled in my own inner turmoil. So I flatly refused. She pouted, but I didn't cave this time. I was quite happy where I was.
And that realization gave me the confidence I needed to slip my pinkie back under Edward's. I thought my heart would burst when he wrapped his finger back around mine.
I smiled now, remembering that perfect moment in all its silliness. Yes, I knew it was something that wasn't a big deal to most people. But damn it, it was a pretty fucking big deal for me.
I was brought out of my memories by the sound of Jasper laughing. I blinked and looked at him, mouth slightly agape before I realized I'd just been staring into space. I hit him with my pillow.
"Shut up!" I laughed with him.
He just grinned. "So I would guess that your squealing at the door meant that something else happened tonight? Care to enlighten me?" He winked at me.
I blushed and wrapped my arms around the pillow, flopping down on my back and looking up at the ceiling. "A few somethings…" I breathed. I bit my bottom lip as I smiled, exhaling lightly.
I felt the bed move and suddenly Jasper was in my field of vision, propped up on one elbow as he looked down at me with an eyebrow arched. "Oh, really?" he asked.
I nodded, still biting my bottom lip and looking at the ceiling.
After a minute of silence, he said, "Oh, come on, Bella! Don't leave me hanging like this…"
I laughed before I finally took pity on him. I don't know why it took me so long. I guess I just sort of wanted to hold onto it myself for a little longer. "Well, right after you left…I don't know, Jazz. We were just sort of looking at each other, and I noticed his jaw was swollen. He said he got in a fight with Emmett…" I shrugged, frowning slightly. I didn't like the idea of him fighting. What if he really got hurt? I wondered if it was like when my guys fight. They get all pissed off and beat on each other, and the next second they're playing video games or something.
Stupid boys.
Jasper just waited quietly.
"I wanted to make sure he was okay, but…" I bit my bottom lip and felt my brow furrow, my eyes still on the ceiling. After a long, silent moment, I looked over at him. "I was really scared, Jazz. I mean…I…I've never touched a guy like that, you know? I mean, of course, I've touched a guy's face before, but it was just like you or maybe Paul after Jake busted his lip, not…not staring into his eyes and just touching him to…well, to touch him." I watched Jasper's face as he processed what I said. He was nodding thoughtfully, his gaze far away.
Finally, he blinked, and his eyes focused on me. "And how was it?"
How was it? Lost in thought, I said the first thing that popped into my mind. "Magical…" I breathed.
Oh, hell.
I quickly glanced away, sure the blush on my face was going to mean even more teasing. When the silence lengthened to the point where I couldn't take it, I glanced at Jasper. Sure enough, he looked amused, but he kept it to himself. I giggled.
I don't ever remember being quite this stupid. And, God help me, I loved it. I shook my head at myself.
"Anyway, I didn't feel anything when I touched him. Well, anything bad, I mean…no panic, no flashes…nothing." I smiled. "So I left my hand there for a little bit, and when I lowered it, he said he should go, but it wasn't like he was trying to get away. He actually seemed…reluctant." Even I heard the disbelief in my voice.
Jasper sighed and rolled his eyes. "Of course he wanted to stay, Bells. How can you not tell he's into you?"
"Is he?" I sighed softly and furrowed my brow, a pout forming on my lips. I wished there was a way I could just see into his head and know what he was thinking. "How do you know?"
"Well, first…" Jasper sat up and leaned back against the headboard. I moved to sit beside him, keeping the pillow in my lap. I turned my head to look at him. "He can't take his eyes off you. At all. It's a bit annoying, actually…" I blushed. I spent so much of my time trying not to stare at him. Was it possible he did the same? "But beyond that, he's constantly over here. You guys met, what, a couple of weeks ago?"
"Ten days," I whispered…and glanced over at Jasper to find him watching me with an eyebrow raised.
"Ten days then," he said. "And you've fed him only once, so he's not coming around for the food." He winked at me. "And he sure as hell isn't coming around to see me, so I wonder what that leaves?" He tapped his chin in mock thought.
I didn't answer, still unconvinced.
Finally, he rolled his eyes and attacked, tickling me senseless. I was gasping for breath and trying to shove him away when he finally sat up. "Silly girl," he muttered, then grinned.
I was starting to feel…hopeful. And I realized that, in truth, a part of me already believed what Jasper was saying. I guess I was just afraid. If I acknowledged that both Edward and I were definitely interested in something more, then that left no excuses if I couldn't handle this.
"So you said 'a few somethings'…what else happened?" Jasper ran his fingers through his hair, glancing over at me.
Just the mention of what else had happened had a blush blazing across my cheekbones. I couldn't help the small giggle that escaped, and I hugged the pillow to my chest tightly. "As he was leaving, I sort of took his hand…and asked him to wait because I wanted to tell him thank you for coming over. And he turned around and…" I buried my face in the pillow again. This time it wasn't from embarrassment, though. It was from the overwhelming memory of the way I'd felt when he raised my hand to his lips…the look in his eyes…just…hell, everything. It was too much. I bit the pillow to keep from squealing again.
"And…?" I heard Jasper's voice trail off, a little frustrated.
I raised my head, blowing away the hair that had fallen into my eyes. "And he…he kissed my hand." I couldn't stop the squeal this time, though it was – thankfully – somewhat muffled behind the pillow. I looked up again quickly to see Jasper's reaction.
His face slowly broke into a wide smile, and he put his arm around my shoulders, squeezing me to his side. I rested my head on his shoulder and gave a contented sigh.
"I'm so happy for you, Bells," he said softly, and I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head. We sat like that for a long time in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I felt his head settle against mine, and before long, I heard his even breathing. His weight against my side increased as he relaxed. I chuckled quietly to myself.
That boy can sleep anywhere.
I carefully slipped out from under his arm and helped him into bed. I pulled the comforter up around his shoulders and brushed back the hair that had fallen onto his forehead. He always got annoyed if it tickled him and woke him up. He mumbled, "G'night, Bells," in a breathless voice, not really awake. I kissed his head and turned off his light on my way out the door.
In the hallway, I thought for a moment. I was exhausted, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to sleep right now. My head was way too full – thoughts and music and anxiety and excitement all swirled together to create a confusing mess that I…liked.
One song in particular had been playing in the back of my mind all night, ever since I first breathed in the fragrance of Edward as he sat beside me while I tanked tonight. It was from an old CD my mom had played endlessly right around the time I was going into middle school. She and I still lived in Forks then, though she and dad were divorced.
Even though it wasn't the type of thing I normally listened to, I'd always loved it. Something about the lyrics and the simple music had been moving to me, even back then. I decided to download it, just to hear that song again. Maybe it would help me sleep.
Half an hour later, I had downloaded the tracks and checked my email and the forums. I felt a little more relaxed, so I crawled into bed and put my earbuds in. I flipped through my iPod, finding the song that had been haunting me. I rested my head on the pillow and closed my eyes, listening to the melody of the guitar before Lisa Loeb's voice sang to me.
She can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written
'Cause she's never been in love with you before
Your skin smells lovely like sandalwood
Your hair falls soft…
That was the last I heard, as I drifted off to sleep with a small smile on my lips.
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I woke up with my alarm the next morning. At some point in the night, I'd tugged the earbuds from my ears, but the wires were wrapped all around my wrists. Somewhat disoriented, I shook my hands, trying to get them free from the tangled mess. My mind was fuzzy from the lack of sleep, but I didn't remember dreaming at all.
At least my nightmares hadn't returned. It had actually been awhile since I'd had one. I was…cautiously hopeful that maybe I was moving past them. Part of me doubted it though. They'd been part of my life for so long now that I really wasn't sure what it would be like to go to sleep without that faint sense of dread.
Blinking and yawning, I grabbed clean underwear and wandered to my closet to choose my clothes. I had to teach a class and hold office hours this morning, so unfortunately, I had to dress appropriately. I grumbled and finally settled on a pair of black slacks and a white button down with thin purple stripes. I grabbed the matching black jacket and threw them over my shoulder, heading into the bathroom.
I hung my clothes on the back of the door and peered at my reflection in the mirror. I'd stayed up too late and had bags under my eyes, but I wasn't too concerned. The reason for my late night filtered back through the haze in my mind, and I smiled broadly. I bit my bottom lip and looked at myself a little while longer, studying the happy little smile I found on my lips. That was definitely new.
Finally, I turned and started the water, undressing while it warmed. I realized I was humming, but I couldn't quite place the song. I tilted my head, humming it a little louder and trying to find the words. It definitely wasn't any of the songs I'd listened to last night.
I was still humming as I climbed into the welcoming warmth of the shower, and the scent of freesia helped wake me further. Suddenly, the words came flooding back to me, and I was singing along, doing a silly little dance in the shower.
"I waaaaaaaant you to want me," I sang, using my shampoo bottle for a microphone, "I neeeeeeeeed you to need me…"
I kept singing as I finished bathing and washed my hair, even while I was shaved. When I got out and dried off, I went back to humming, and the song put a smile on my face. I'd forgotten how much I liked Cheap Trick. I dressed in my girl clothes without any internal complaints – a first for me. Then I quickly dried my hair as much as I felt like and walked out of the bathroom with my hair still slightly damp.
As I walked down the hall humming, I realized Jasper was already up. He was lounging on the couch with one of his history textbooks open on his chest.
"Preparing for class today?" I teased him. We were notoriously different when it came to teaching. I was planned from the beginning of the semester. Jasper had a vague idea and then decided day-by-day what, exactly, he would do. It worked for him.
He just smiled in response, still reading.
"Hey, I was just going to make some French toast…want some?" I asked, knowing he'd never turn it down. It was really silly to even ask him.
"Of course!" He looked up finally with a big smile, and I snickered. Food always gets him.
He stood and wandered into the kitchen to keep me company. In reality, he just perched on the counter and kept reading his book, but he knew I liked just having him there.
As I was in the middle of cooking the French toast, he surprised me by snapping his book closed and yawning.
"All set?" I asked.
He grinned, "Yeah, I'm lecturing on the Civil War. I'm good." He shrugged. He really did know all about the Civil War to a ridiculous extent. He'd been fascinated with it since we were kids. "So…" he said, trailing off as his smile faded and was replaced by a serious expression.
"So?" I arched an eyebrow at him.
"So I realized I forgot to tell you something," he trailed off again, sucking in a breath through his teeth as if he had some bad news. "But…"
"But what?!" I turned around, frowning at him.
"But…didn't I…" he stopped and looked at the floor, apparently reluctant to continue.
"Didn't you what?" I asked him, beginning to become annoyed. If there was something I needed to know, he needed to fucking tell me.
"Didn't I…" he tried again, only to stop, shaking his head while he bit the inside of his cheek. He raised one hand, rubbing the back of his neck as he continued looking down.
"Fucking hell, Jasper. Spit it out," I ordered. My imagination was getting the best of me, and I was imagining all sorts of terrible scenarios. Didn't I tell you Edward was married? Didn't I tell you Alice said to leave Edward alone? Didn't I tell you you're dreaming and Edward isn't real?
All ridiculous, of course, but…part of me was panicked.
He looked up at me, and there was a mischievous smirk on his lips. "Didn't I see you crying?" he asked in an innocent tone that didn't match the wicked gleam on his eyes.
It took me half a second to catch on, and then I blushed furiously and took two steps toward him to smack him on the arm. "Shutthefuckup!"
I turned quickly and went back to finishing our breakfast, all too aware that the heat of the sun had settled on my cheeks as I listened to Jasper's quiet laughter. Fuck. I hadn't thought about Jasper possibly being up for my shower serenade.
"You know I like Cheap Trick," I said calmly, though my outburst had already given me away.
"Mmhmm," I heard him answer in a light-hearted tone.
I muttered to myself, but I couldn't keep the smile off my lips as I served our breakfast and we went to the dining room to eat. Jasper teased me mercilessly, but I was surprised to realize that…I didn't mind. At all. It was actually kind of cool to have him joking with me so normally about a guy.
It was not so cool when I realized we'd been talking for too long, and I was going to be late for class. Not such a terrible thing if you're a student and can sneak into the back of the room, but a little bit trickier if you're supposed to be teaching.
Jasper said he'd get the dishes, so I flew around the apartment, gathering my things, and I waved to him when he said he'd call me about lunch later. We usually met for lunch on Mondays and Wednesdays while Alice was in class.
My entire morning was one rushed, awkward, occasionally embarrassing moment. I bolted into class, realizing a little too late that I really should've just strolled in casually…it's not like they could have started without me. I kept stumbling – both literally and metaphorically – through my lecture, and my mind didn't seem to want to cooperate. It was like it was still catching up with the frantic pace of my body.
I felt a little more normal once class was over, and I was able to retreat to my office. I had only a few students to meet with – these were the few overachievers who already had rough drafts of their final papers and wanted me to look over them even though there were still several weeks left of the term.
I was finally finishing up with the last of these when I realized Jasper still hadn't called about lunch. I was starving after my hectic morning, and it wasn't like him to be so late. I frowned and forced myself to return to the paper in front of me.
"I think if you'll rework that section on Milton's Eve the way we discussed and then adjust your conclusion to match, this should be fine," I said, passing the paper back to my student, a freshman with frizzy black hair named Meghan.
She smiled and slipped the paper back into its protective cover before putting it carefully into her briefcase. Something about the sight amused me, and I tried to keep myself from grinning. At least it meant there was a smile on my face when she stood and looked up.
"Thank you so much, Ms. Swan," she said. "I was really worried about this…I need to make an A to keep my scholarship."
I nodded. Just as I was about to speak, my phone blinked. About time. A moment later, I heard it singing.
I waaaaaaaant you to want me. I neeeeeeeeed you to need me.
Fucking Jasper. My face flamed red, and I said a hurried goodbye as Meghan apologized and left the room, closing the door.
As soon as I heard the click of the door, I yanked up the phone and said, "Give it a fucking rest, Hale!"
The answering melodic laughter was not at all what I expected, and I fell clumsily into my chair as Edward said, "Damn, I'm glad I'm not Jasper…what'd he do?"
Fuck.
I assumed Jasper had set his own ringtone to the song he'd been taunting me with. I never dreamed he'd set it as Edward's. Of course, I also never dreamed Edward would be calling me right now.
Edward's calling me!
Yeah, moron, I kind of noticed. He's waiting for you to say something.
Shit!
I know.
What do I say?
Umm…"hi" usually works? Idiot.
"Oh…hi, Edward. Umm…sorry about that," I said lamely. I resolved to check my caller ID more often.
I could hear him smiling as he said, "It's no problem, Bella. What did Jasper do anyway?"
"Nothing, really…he just messed around with my ringtones again. I thought that was his," I replied without thinking.
"Oh? What was it?" he sounded amused.
"Err…" What a brilliant response. "Just a silly song. So what's up?"
"Actually, Jasper's sort of the reason I'm calling. Alice got out of class early and wanted him to go shopping with her, and I guess he told her he was supposed to meet you for lunch. She got all pouty and called to ask if I would mind taking you to lunch instead." I realized I got a little lost in the way Edward's voice sounded – he usually didn't say so much at once – and it took me a moment before I was able to answer.
"Oh! That sounds good…if…well, if you don't mind?" I bit my bottom lip, and I heard the question in my voice.
"Of course I don't mind, Bella," he answered gently. "I'd love to see you again."
My heart sped up and seemed to skip a beat. Edward wants to see me! My voice was a little breathless when I admitted, "I'd love to see you too."
The phone was silent for a moment before Edward said, "Perfect…so did you want to meet somewhere?"
It turned out we both enjoyed a little Thai restaurant near the school, so we agreed to meet there in fifteen minutes. After we hung up the phone, I stood up and couldn't control the little dance and squeal that escaped me. I even flipped through my phone and played Edward's ringtone again.
Oh, yeah…I had it bad.
I glanced down at myself and wrinkled my nose. Unfortunately, I didn't think I had time to go home and change. I'd feel much more comfortable in my jeans, but…well, it was worth it to see Edward. I just hoped I didn't look too bad.
After waiting a few more minutes, I gathered all my things, tossed them into my messenger bag, and headed out, locking my office door. I walked to my ancient red Chevy truck, realizing that it was bright outside for once. I climbed in and buckled my seatbelt before I pulled my sunglasses from the glove compartment, slipping them on to help block the glare.
I kept feeling like I was on the verge of hyperventilating, and I had to calm myself down. I had seen Edward several times, but this felt…different. We'd never met out somewhere before – and definitely not alone.
This was something new.
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