Twice on the way to the restaurant, I considered turning around. I was nearing hysteria. It had been five years since I'd been on a date, and this felt suspiciously close to one. But…then I realized that, though I was panicking, it seemed to be a normal sort of panic. I was nervous and excited and in some ways terrified, but I wasn't seeing him.
Of course, as soon as I thought of him in this highly excitable state, my breathing sped, and the flashes came to me unbidden. I gritted my teeth, struggling to keep my eyes open and my hands on the wheel as terror threatened to overthrow me.
Somehow, I did it.
My breathing had become shallow panting, and I could see my hands trembling, but I managed to keep driving. And the sense of accomplishment had me riding a new high as I resolved to focus only on the good parts of this nervousness. I tried to sing along with the radio, but the words kept escaping me.
When I pulled into the restaurant's lot to park, I caught a glimpse of Edward waiting on the curb. He'd beaten me there and…holy fuck. He looked good.
I surreptitiously checked him out in my rearview mirror after I parked, taking my time to retrieve my wallet. For the first time ever, I almost wished I carried a purse so it wouldn't look so odd, but oh well. Too late to change it now. Purses annoyed me anyway.
Finally, I had stalled long enough that I really had to get out. I slid from the cab of my truck as gracefully as possible and walked toward the restaurant, glad of the privacy of my sunglasses – it made it much easier for me to stare at Edward. He was wearing sunglasses, too, and for a moment, I felt myself pout that he wasn't wearing his actual glasses. I don't know why, but I really liked them on him. There was something…sexy about them.
At that uncharacteristic thought, I grinned, and I saw Edward smile in response as he started to walk toward me. He was wearing a tailored blue button down shirt tucked into black slacks, but he had the sleeves of the shirt rolled up to his elbows. The top button was undone, and his black dress shoes hinted that he'd perhaps been dressed up as I was. It was a simple outfit, really – I saw people dressed like that every day. But never had my heart and breathing sped as they did now.
That man is breathtaking.
My voices all sighed in agreement, and one added, Look at those forearms.
Silly giggles abounded in my head.
I met Edward on the sidewalk, and we both stopped about a foot apart. I was frustrated with myself. I wanted to close the distance and hug him – and never let him go, if I was being honest. But there was still too much I didn't know, including how I would even react to that, so I settled for a shy smile as I lifted my sunglasses to the top of my head.
Edward took his off as well, and his smile was gentle and sweet as he looked down at me. "Thanks for meeting me," he said, but it looked as though he wanted to say something else.
"Thanks for inviting me," I answered quietly.
Edward gave me a small smirk and said, "So have you noticed that Alice seems to be arranging for us to run into each other a lot?"
"Oh," was my brilliant reply. I was too embarrassed to say anything more. I had noticed it, but I thought she was doing it for my benefit, and I didn't know what Edward might think of that.
Fuck it. Be brave.
"I…I guess I'll have to thank her," I finally said, my cheeks flaming as I looked down at the ground. After a moment, curiosity got the best of me, and I peeked up at Edward through my lashes. He had a huge smile on his face, but he didn't respond. He just gazed into my eyes for a long moment before he turned silently and led the way inside.
I followed behind him, and I couldn't help studying his broad shoulders. The delectable fragrance of sandalwood drifted back to me, and I closed my eyes briefly, inhaling with a smile.
He stepped through the doors first and then stood to the side, stretching his arm out to hold it open for me. I walked through and took a step to the left, and he walked back in front of me as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
I watched as he talked to the hostess, and I noticed her overt appraisal of him. I couldn't blame the girl – he was gorgeous, after all. Add in the seductive voice and the beautiful smile, and no one stood a chance.
He completely ignored her.
Oh, he was polite, and he spoke to her, of course, but he seemed oblivious to her in any way other than as the means to our obtaining a table. A part of me actually felt sorry for her…but the majority of me felt smug. Was it wrong that I wanted to stick my tongue out at her?
I restrained myself, but I did glare at the cow. I couldn't help it. I felt giddy as I followed them both to a small, round table in a dim corner of the restaurant. Edward glanced back at me with a questioning look, as if asking if I would be comfortable there with him. I nodded with a small smile.
He thanked the girl, who I could allow was quite pretty now that I knew she wasn't going to catch his eye, and then he pulled out a chair for me. I melted a little at the gesture. No one except Jasper had ever done that for me before – and that was only under the watchful eye of Mama Hale. He stood at my side as I sat, and then he helped guide the chair under the table.
Something about the thoughtfulness of his actions kept me focused on them rather than on how close he was, and it wasn't until he sat down across from me that I wondered at how I hadn't been afraid.
Silence reigned as we studied the menus, but we both kept glancing up, occasionally meeting each others' eyes. I was having trouble deciding between two dishes, and I was frustrated with myself. Usually, it's easy for me to choose, but I was feeling particularly distracted at the moment.
Without even realizing it, I sighed and frowned at the menu. As soon as I heard the noise, I looked up to find Edward watching me.
"What's wrong?" he asked, and it seemed he was torn between amusement and worry, for some reason.
Probably wondering if I'm going to run away screaming.
I sighed again at the thought, realizing he had some cause to be worried.
"I can't decide between the shrimp curry and the crispy duck," I pouted a bit.
Edward just laughed and closed his menu as he said, "Let's get both then, and we can share?"
I bit my bottom lip and tried to stop the stupidly huge smile that spread on my face. I don't know why, but that simple offer made me feel all flighty. I just nodded and said, "Thanks…you don't mind?"
"Not at all," he answered. "Both sound great to me. Do you mind if we get some chicken satay though?"
I had to laugh. "Nope, that's perfect. It's my favorite. I actually make it at home a pretty good bit. Jasper will thank you for saving him from eating it for awhile." I shrugged. That shit was awesome.
"Yeah, Alice told me it's not only lasagna you can cook. I think she said your Indian food was 'divine,'" Edward answered with a grin.
From there, conversation flowed easily as we discussed our favorite foods. I filed Edward's love of seafood away for – hopefully - future use. I was happy to hear that he liked spicy food as well – I couldn't get enough of it.
He asked me about cooking, and I felt the same babble spewing from my lips as when I talk about literature. Edward interjected here and there, asking questions, keeping me talking. He mostly just stared at me with a smile on his face, and I found myself wanting to talk more, just to see him smile at me that way.
When the satay arrived, Edward motioned for me to go first, and I realized just how often he acted like…well, like a gentleman. He was always so careful and so…proper, I guess. Mama Hale would definitely approve of his manners. It made me feel good to know that he was taking such care with me, and I didn't feel like it was because I was broken. It felt like this was just who he was.
At first, we talked about all the normal stuff – favorite movies, music, and so on. I was surprised to find that we really had a lot in common. But soon the conversation moved on to cartoons we'd liked as kids, and then Edward suddenly looked nervous. He gave a timid grin and glanced down saying, "So…I saw some comic boxes at your apartment. Are they yours?"
I felt myself smile. Did he like comics, too? Was he embarrassed by this?
"Yeah, they're mine. Well, most of them…some are Jazz's." I shrugged. I felt somehow…empowered by his embarrassment. I guess it felt good to realize that he was a little nervous and unsure, too. "Do you like comics?"
He glanced up at me, and the smile on his face was so innocent that I grinned in response.
He is too fucking cute.
"I do, yeah. Emmett and Alice both make fun of me for it," he admitted. He didn't look embarrassed now, though. He looked…happy.
"What's your favorite?" I asked, both because he seemed so thrilled with this topic of conversation and because I was genuinely curious.
"The X-Men," he said promptly.
"I always liked them too…" I chuckled. "I guess you must like my pajamas then."
For some reason, Edward's eyes widened and he refused to meet my gaze, looking down at the tabletop with a faint blush on his cheeks. Yes, he was fucking blushing. And it was…hot.
Damn it, what was he doing to me?
"Umm…yeah, that's a cool shirt," he finally said, still not looking up.
I arched an eyebrow and waited for him to raise his head. When he didn't, I said, "I thought so too. That's why I stole it from Jasper in seventh grade." I laughed, trying to make him get over this timidity. I mean, hell, I regularly embarrassed myself in front of him. And it wasn't like liking the X-Men was a bad thing.
He finally looked up at me, his cheeks still faintly pink though that happy look was in his eyes. I loved it when he looked at me that way. "So what's your favorite?"
Now it was my turn to blush as I said, "Spiderman," and bit my bottom lip.
He raised both eyebrows. "Spiderman's embarrassing?"
"No…" I laughed. "The umm…well, the reason I like Spiderman is a little bit embarrassing though." I left it at that, though I should've known Edward wouldn't.
Our food arrived then, giving me a brief reprieve as Edward dished out food for both of us, and we began eating in silence.
After taking a bite, Edward watched me for a moment and then said, "Oh, come on…you can't say something like that and then not follow through. Why do you like Spiderman?"
I groaned. Might as well get it over with. "He…he was sort of my first crush. Well, Peter Parker was. I liked his glasses…" Now I looked down at the table, mortified to have admitted that much, especially when I knew that the reason I liked Edward's glasses so much was that they reminded me in some ways of Peter. "I have kind of a thing for nerdy superheroes…" I giggled, biting my bottom lip as I studied the white tablecloth.
I waited for the teasing I usually expected from Jasper, but there was nothing but silence. I finally looked up to find Edward watching me with a soft smile. He said, "Kitty Pryde was mine, but later I liked Rogue." And just that simply, the conversation moved away from potential embarrassment on both our parts to a sort of understanding.
"Jasper had a thing for Emma Frost," I told Edward with a gleam in my eyes. "And Rosalie always liked Superman." I made a face. He wasn't my favorite.
"How did you meet Jasper and Rosalie?" Edward asked.
I laughed and told him the story of how I met Jasper. He was amused much as Alice had been. I explained how we'd spent so much of our lives together – the three of us. As we ate, I found myself talking freely about my childhood with the Hales, complete with some of my clumsier moments. I didn't feel self-conscious for once, and I was laughing along with Edward at some of the dumber things we'd done together.
I even told him about how sometimes it seemed I was closer to both of them than they were to each other. But they still had that weird twin thing where they just got each other, no matter how far apart they were for however long. I'd thought of them as the siblings I never had for so long that I really didn't feel like an only child any more.
"Obviously I talk to Jasper all the time, but usually Rose and I talk at least a couple of times a week. It's been really strange this fall, though. She's been so busy that we've been in touch more through email, and I miss her. I can't wait to see her at Thanksgiving," I finally finished my babbling to see Edward nodding thoughtfully.
"As much as Alice annoys me sometimes," he said thoughtfully, "I'd miss her if she wasn't around. Well, I'd miss her after awhile anyway." He grinned.
I grinned in response. "Yeah me too, actually…she's not so bad." My smile softened, and I wanted to tell him that I'd met him because of her, but…I just couldn't. It was too much, too soon.
We looked at each other for a long moment before Edward finally shifted, putting his napkin on the table. He didn't seem ready to leave, though, as he asked, "So what comics have you read lately?"
"Actually, I missed The Ultimates, so I'm finally reading those." I shrugged, carefully keeping my mind away from why, exactly, I'd never read that series before.
"Seriously? That's sacrilege!" Edward teased me.
I couldn't help smiling. "I had a good reason…I promise. But I'm really enjoying it. Since they're making so many movies from the series, I figured it was time."
"Yeah, this summer was seriously good for superhero movies. It was nice to finally get some good ones. Most of the ones before have sucked," Edward winked. He winked. My breath caught, and I just stared stupidly for a minute.
"Bella? You alright?" The concern in his voice was clear, and I shook my head, blushing furiously.
Fucking great.
"I'm fine," I assured him before clearing my throat. I put my own napkin on the table and sat back slightly in my chair. "Just sort of spaced for a second there. So what was your favorite superhero movie this summer?"
"You first," he countered.
"Uh uh," I shook my head. "No way. I want to know what you think."
He tilted his head and looked at me thoughtfully. "Same time?" he offered.
A smile danced across my lips as I nodded. "Okay…on the count of three?"
It was so silly. We were sitting there, actually counting to three just to name a movie we liked. I loved it.
"One…two…three," we said together.
Then Edward said, "Dark Knight."
Just as I said, "Iron Man."
"That was my second favorite!" we both said at once and then laughed. We had another of those moments where we just looked at each other. I noticed then that it didn't feel odd. It seemed…I don't know. Natural, maybe? Nice, anyway. I liked looking at Edward, especially when he was watching me too.
It helped that his eyes were so beautifully green and his lips always curved up into that tempting little half-smile.
"Iron Man? Really? I'm surprised," Edward finally broke the silence.
I arched an eyebrow. "Why's that? It was damn good."
"I don't know…" he said, furrowing his brow. "Tony Stark is just such a womanizer…I would've thought that wouldn't be very appealing."
I thought for a moment about what he said before I shrugged. "True, but I don't really think that's the core of who he is. He's got a lot of issues, but at heart, he's a good guy. It just sort of takes him awhile to get there. It's admirable that he wants to undo the damage his family's company has done."
Edward nodded with a thoughtful look on his face as I spoke. I liked how he really seemed to be taking in everything I said, even though it was about something as silly as a superhero movie.
"I really liked the comic book feel of it all. And Tony Stark is a genuine guy. He's an asshole, but he's a likable asshole. Plus I have to admit I kind of like the rougher look…" I grinned and felt a slight blush along my cheekbones.
Edward chuckled. "So you like facial hair and working with metal…good to know."
I laughed, and my hand lifted from the table to hit Edward on the arm before I realized where I was and who I was with. My eyes wide, I used it instead to brush my hair back before putting it in my lap. I noticed that both of Edward's hands were on the table on either side of his plate, and suddenly, I just wanted to reach over and take his hand. I bit my bottom lip and laced my fingers together beneath the table to keep from doing just that.
To distract myself, I said, "Dark Knight was awesome, though. What did you like about it so much?"
"Well, Batman's a badass," Edward began with a smirk. "But really it seemed like a more complete movie to me. The plot was so intricate, and the different storylines were really cool. I loved the interpretation of the Joker. He's always Batman's greatest nemesis, and I was glad to see they didn't make him some cartoony villain. Don't get me wrong…Jack Nicholson made a great Joker, but this one really needed to be darker to fit, and I think Heath Ledger was perfect."
I nodded thoughtfully before adding, "I really liked how he kept changing up the story of what happened to him. It was an awesome way of getting out all the theories without confirming one."
Edward smiled and nodded. We talked for several more minutes about the merits of each movie, from the depiction of Two-Face to the relationship between Pepper and Tony. I was really beginning to realize that, no matter what the subject was, I loved talking to Edward. He had such an interesting way of looking at things, and he wasn't afraid to disagree with me, while always making me feel comfortable and intelligent at the same time.
Was it possible to fall for him harder than I already had?
Apparently so.
This conversation was so different, and it took me awhile to pinpoint why that was. It finally occurred to me that there was nothing in the way – no Jasper, no Alice, no TV…nothing. It was just the two of us in relative privacy with uninterrupted time.
It was wonderful.
It was also becoming harder to ignore Edward's hand sitting beside his plate, especially when he started idly playing with the corner of his napkin.
Just as he said, "It's really a shame they can't continue either storyline in The Dark Knight…" I took a deep breath, gathered all of my courage, and slid my hand across the table toward his. His eyes were drawn to it, and I know we both noticed how my fingers were shaking, but I continued on. Finally, my hand slipped across his, and I looked up into his eyes, asking, "Is this okay?"
His smile spread slowly across his lips, and he turned his hand palm up, curving his fingers around mine. "More than okay," he answered quietly as he rubbed his thumb along my knuckles. I took a shaky breath and bit my bottom lip.
For a moment, I was lost in the sensation of holding Edward's hand - actually holding his hand, not just his pinkie, and not just a brief squeeze. I tried to memorize the way his skin felt, and the unique way he touched me, as if I were precious somehow. That happy look was back in his eyes, and I couldn't help but smile at him.
Finally, Edward blinked and glanced down before saying, "So what do you play besides Warcraft?"
It seemed he wanted to keep talking just as much as I did, so I smiled at him and said, "Well, the guys and I started playing D&D ages ago. I'm the DM, but I guess you figured that out from my email address."
"DM?" he asked, seemingly confused.
"Dungeon master. I run things – you know, make adventures, kill off characters…" I said, and the sudden flash of understanding in his eyes confused me. I waited for him to comment, but he just smiled a little ruefully and didn't say anything. Weird.
"I've never known anyone who plays D&D before," he finally said.
"Seriously?" I asked. I knew not a lot of people played – or admitted they played anyway – but it had been a big part of my life for a long time. I wanted Edward to know what it was all about. "You'll have to come watch us while the guys are here. We'll be playing as much as possible since we don't get a chance most of the year anymore."
Edward smiled, and a beat too late, I realized that sounded sort of demanding. "Umm…if you want to, of course," I added. But this time…I don't know. I didn't worry so much that he might not want to. Still, I wanted him to have a choice.
"You know I want to," Edward said quietly, and I could tell he felt the subtle difference too. I squeezed his hand and looked up at him with a shy smile. I didn't know what, exactly, was happening between us, but I liked it.
Now I was curious. We had so much in common that it seemed impossible to me that someone with his tastes in everything else didn't game. I know I needed the creative outlet. "So do you game at all?" I asked him.
"Yeah, I love to play video games, but that's about it," he answered.
We talked for awhile about the games he'd played – it seemed he mostly liked computer games. He enjoyed strategy games, and I told him we'd have to all battle online sometime. Jasper and I got into crazy wars all the time with the other guys. It turned out that we were both really looking forward to Street Fighter IV, and we spent some time discussing the different characters we liked to play. It was really nice and relaxing and thrilling and comfortable all at the same time to be able to talk with him like this.
He ran his fingers through his hair, and I was lost for a moment in watching the movement. I felt myself bite my bottom lip, and then I smiled at my own silliness. But damn…he was so beautiful. I loved how his hair was always messy – and I realized with a start that I really wanted to touch it. I wanted to run my fingers through it.
Huh.
That was different.
I reminded myself to focus on what he was saying, so I wrenched my eyes away from his hair and instead got absorbed in the movement of his lips. I felt an unfamiliar warmth spreading through my body, almost as if I'd been drinking wine. I was hopeless.
To distract myself, I asked what else he did in his free time. I already knew he worked out with Emmett and went to med school, but I was kind of clueless beyond that.
"Well, mostly all I have time for is school, really. I go running and work out with Emmett three days a week. We started that when we were undergrads and needed to train. He was a linebacker at U Dub, and I ran track and played soccer. I've gotten lazy since then." He grinned. Somehow I doubted "lazy" was an accurate description of him, given the condition he kept himself in. Before my mind could become embroiled in images of Edward in a soccer uniform, he continued. "Other than that, I play video games or my guitar when I can. That's really about it. I'm not a very interesting person," he finished with an abashed smile.
Riiiight…just the most intriguing, wonderful person on the planet.
I sensed my mental voices rolling their eyes.
My mind locked onto one thing though. "You play the guitar?" I'd always been intensely fascinated with people who could play instruments – probably because I had wanted to play the violin but was beyond hopeless at it. Too much coordination was required.
Edward's thumb gently caressed my fingers again as he nodded. "I play the piano, too, but I don't exactly have room for one in my apartment, so I settle for the guitar. When I visit my parents, I always spend a few hours playing my piano there though. Sometimes I just really need that…release."
I wanted to ask if I could listen to him play sometime, but something held me back. I sat in silence, just watching him, until he finally said, "You know, I don't want you to get the wrong impression of Emmett. Because of our fight, I mean…I sort of started it." He smirked.
I shook my head, trying to bring myself out of this weird trance I kept slipping into. "Oh…no, I don't really think anything of it. My boys fight all the time, too." I shrugged. "It's usually over stupid stuff, and then they're like best friends the next second. I've given up trying to understand it."
Edward chuckled. "I guess you could say it was something like that…"
I didn't understand the look on his face, and before I could ask, he was speaking again.
"I actually think Emmett would really like to meet Jasper's twin. Judging from the pictures, she would be exactly his type." His green eyes were dancing with mischief – and I liked it.
Unfortunately... "Rose has a boyfriend," I answered automatically in a flat voice. I really didn't like Royce. He was…slimy.
Edward raised an eyebrow at my tone. "You don't approve?"
I made a face. "Not really, no. Royce is…" I trailed off with another grimace. "I don't know. I don't trust him for some reason. And they don't really seem happy together. I don't get it." I shrugged.
We sat quietly for a long moment while I stewed before finally, it all spilled over.
"You know, Rose and I used to talk every day. And I don't expect that, of course – I mean, we all get busy – but the longer they're together, the less I hear from her. It makes me worry. And I really don't want to see Rosalie end up in a relationship she hates, but I'm afraid that's where they're going to find themselves in a few years. She's been distant all quarter, and I haven't even talked to her directly in a couple of weeks. It's just weird." I burst out, and then felt my eyes widen. Huh. I hadn't even known I was that frustrated.
"Umm…sorry about that," I said, biting my bottom lip. "I guess that's been building for awhile."
Edward just gave a tiny, understanding smile and squeezed my hand. "No, I understand. I know what it's like when things boil over." He smirked, and I wondered if he was thinking about whatever made him fight with Emmett.
I shook my head to clear it and looked down. "I just need to call her when I get home, I guess…"
"Speaking of phone calls…" Edward began but then let his voice trail off suggestively.
"What?" I asked, amused.
"What did Jasper set my ringtone to?" My head snapped up, my eyes widening at Edward's question. Could it get any more embarrassing?
"Oh, it's nothing. Just a stupid song," I hedged, hoping desperately that he would let it go.
Instead, Edward leaned forward, moving his hand to rest fully on top of mine. He placed his other elbow on the table and pressed his chin into his palm, tilting his head and gazing intently into my eyes. His lips formed a perfect pout, and he whispered, "Please, Bella? Won't you tell me?"
Holy…
Yeah…
Fuck.
I could form no coherent words beyond those, and I blinked before my eyes widened. I stared at him, slack-jawed and dumb-founded. He was beyond beautiful, and the look he was giving me made me weak at the knees and suddenly very glad I was sitting down.
When I didn't answer, he breathed, "Please? I have to know…"
In a daze, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone, placing it on the table. I finally snapped out of the stupor he'd left me in.
Fuck. How does he do that?
I sighed and motioned toward my phone. "Go ahead and call it…" I bit my bottom lip and looked down, pulling my hand back into my lap when Edward moved his to get his phone.
I heard the few beeps for him to find my number, and then my phone was singing loudly on the table.
I waaaaaaaant you to want me. I neeeeeeeeed you to need me.
I blinked several times, blushing ridiculously. I sensed Edward moving across from me, and then I saw his hand enter my field of vision. Gingerly, he tilted my chin up with his index finger, and I raised my eyes to his. He was smiling softly, and he caressed my cheek tenderly before lowering his hand, leaving a tingling warmth along my jaw.
He looked into my eyes as if he were reading something there. Then he sighed quietly, a defeated look on his face, and put his own phone on the table. "Call mine," he said, and I saw him look down at the table. My curiosity immediately flared, and I picked up my phone, scrolling through the numbers quickly to find his.
At first, I was confused. I tilted my head to the right, listening carefully. Then I said, "Is that…the theme song from the X-Men cartoon?"
Edward slowly raised his eyes to mine, and he looked sheepish. "Damn," he swore, "I was almost hoping you wouldn't recognize it." He laughed softly at himself.
"Why would you set my ringtone to the X-Men theme?" I asked, a little confused.
He studied me for a long moment. As we looked at each other, I began to feel many different emotions coursing through me. His eyes were intense and reflected everything I was feeling. Desire. Fear. Uncertainty. Longing. Caring. Excitement. Regret…love?
I heard my breath catch. At the sound, Edward seemed to steel himself, and he inhaled slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. Finally, he exhaled and said, "I need to tell you something." He put his hand back on the table, palm up, and I tentatively slid mine back into his.
My heart was pounding in my chest as if it were trying to break free. I couldn't think of what he might possibly want to tell me, but all my guesses kept swimming in the darkest direction possible. He didn't want to see me anymore. He really was gay. He knew I was interested, and he wanted to let me down easy.
I was spiraling downwards, and I felt my face fall. Edward was still watching me carefully, and he frowned in response.
"Don't be sad," he whispered. I nodded and tried to give him a small smile.
"I set your ringtone to the X-Men theme song because something happened to me when I first saw you in that shirt…and I fucking love it." Edward sighed softly and squeezed my fingers, holding my gaze as he began to speak. His words flowed quickly, blending together into a musical utterance that it was hard for me to follow. "Bella, I never meant for this to happen - I swear to God. Alice warned me that you didn't date. She told me that something happened to you…" I was surprised at the force of the anger that flashed in his eyes. "She made me swear I wouldn't do anything stupid, and I'm pretty sure this would qualify as stupid, but I can't hide it any more. To be honest, I don't want to. I can't get you off my mind. You're in every thought I have – all day, every day. All I want to do is just make you happy and get to spend time with you. And I've been scared as hell to say anything to you because I'm so afraid that you'll tell me to go away and that you never want to see me again, but I can't keep deceiving you. I…I want to be with you." His voice grew quieter and trailed off at the end, but there was no indecision in his green eyes.
I couldn't think. At all.
I blinked finally, tearing my gaze away from his eyes. I studied our hands linked on the table top and waited for my brain to start again. But it didn't. Nothing happened.
After some time – I couldn't tell if seconds or hours had passed – I heard Edward's agonized voice whisper, "Please, Bella…I can't take this. Say something."
Upon hearing those words from him, my thoughts suddenly kicked into overdrive. I tried to absorb what he'd said, but it seemed so unbelievable. Slowly, I realized that the most secret, precious hope that had been growing in my heart since my first sight of him was true – Edward wanted me in the same way I wanted him.
And here I was, sitting like a fucking idiot staring at our hands while he worried that he'd scared me away.
I took a shaky breath as my head snapped up and my eyes sought his. My lips automatically curved into a wide smile when I saw him, and I felt a fluttering deep within my core. He smiled briefly in response, but his eyes still looked wary.
A half-second later, I realized why.
"I feel the same way," I said simply, unable to express myself more clearly than he just had.
My mind was still reeling, and my heart was beginning to soar as I watched my favorite little crooked smile form itself on Edward's face. His eyes were dancing, and he looked as if he felt the same astonishment I did. We stared at each other for an immeasurable time, just smiling stupidly and trying to absorb the enormity of what we'd just admitted. I didn't know if it was as big a step for him as it was for me, but somehow, I thought it might be.
Slowly, I watched his smile begin to fall, and then he sighed, lines marring his forehead. I frowned in response. "What is it…?" I asked softly.
"Bella…" he began before stopping for a moment, shaking his head. He exhaled loudly, his eyes focusing on our hands before he tried again. "Bella…I hate to even say it, but…I'm going to have to know. I want you to do it in your own time and your own way, but I truly hope that you'll trust me enough to tell me."
Pain. Rage. Blue eyes. High heels. Falling. Bleeding. Hating. Screaming. Breaking. Dying.
Gradually, I realized that my forehead was pressed against the cool wood of the table, and I was sobbing as I tried not to bite through my bottom lip. With a growing sense of humiliation, I became aware of where I was, who I was with, and what was happening to me.
Fuck. Please no. Let me be dreaming this.
But no, I felt Edward's thumb rubbing along my knuckles, and while the action was soothing, I dug the fingernails of my other hand into my palm, struggling not to scream in frustration and anger.
Motherfucker!
My rage at him perversely helped to calm my hysteria, and I took a few deep breaths before finally growing brave enough to lift my head. I could feel the tears soaking my cheeks, and another surge of embarrassment washed through me. But I realized, too, that if I was going to have any chance with Edward, he was eventually going to see this. It was, un-fucking-fortunately, a simple fact of my life.
My gaze slowly followed a path from our hands along his arm, upward to his chest…his neck…his face…and finally his eyes. I gasped quietly when I realized that his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. I blinked rapidly, a strangled sob breaking past my lips, as I worked to compose myself.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, and I heard the tremor in my voice.
"Don't you ever fucking apologize for this," his voice whipped out lowly, anger clear in his tone. He took a deep breath and visibly worked to calm himself before he spoke again. "None of this is your fault, and I am so sorry I had to bring it up." His voice broke at the end, and he blinked several times.
I shook my head. "No…you're right. I know you're right. It's just…" I bit my bottom lip with a sigh. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look into his eyes again. "I will. Just not…right now." My eyes were pleading with him to understand. He gave a small smile, the rims of his eyes red, and his thumb rubbed gently along my knuckles as he nodded.
He whispered, "I'm so sorry, Bella."
I managed a small smile and actually felt a little bit better just to have this openly acknowledged. I definitely wasn't looking forward to the conversation that would soon come, but I felt more…I don't know. Free, maybe, that Edward officially knew that there was something wrong with me.
Wow, that sounds…great, when you put it that way.
Shut up.
Edward squeezed my hand and adjusted in his seat, his eyes roaming the restaurant briefly before they stopped, and he smiled. I followed his gaze to see an old man sitting alone at a table. He was wearing a Mariners baseball cap.
"So…" Edward said, his voice beginning to return to normal. "Do you like baseball?"
I made a face before giving him a small smile in thanks. "Not really. I watched it a lot with Charlie – my dad – when I was growing up. It's sort of boring, honestly. I like football though."
We talked sports for several minutes as my breathing returned to normal, and I was able to let my horrifying shame slip away. I realized that Edward seemed to share Alice's flair for steering the conversation away from the things I really didn't want to talk about, and I loved him a little more for it.
When we both felt relaxed again, Edward finally sighed and said he had probably taken up enough of my day. I loved that he didn't seem to want to leave any more than I did. He walked around the table, standing at my side as he helped me with my chair. I smiled up at him and forced myself to stay close to him without cringing away. I realized, too, that I actually liked standing by him – just like I'd liked sitting near him at Alice's slumber party.
My smile grew impossibly wider.
After pushing my chair in, Edward took my hand and leaned down, whispering against my temple, "You don't mind, do you?"
I shook my head, smiling as I bit my bottom lip and squeezed his hand. His breath had stirred tendrils of my hair, making them tickle my cheek.
It was a strangely exciting feeling.
Edward led me through the restaurant, his hand trailing behind to hold mine as I followed. Once we reached the doors, we found that the ever-present gloom of Seattle had settled in once again, but it couldn't touch my mood. Thankfully, it wasn't raining as we strolled hand-in-hand to my truck.
He stopped a couple of feet away, and I continued on to stand closer to the truck. When I turned to him, he took my other hand, and we stood looking at each other. Edward smiled softly and squeezed both my hands. He looked nervous for some reason, and I tilted my head, but before I could ask, he said, "I was wondering…are you busy Friday?"
I felt the light blush on my cheeks – would I ever stop flaming red every time he spoke to me? I thought for a moment. I was supposed to be raiding, but fuck that. Jake could lead. I shook my head, not really trusting my voice.
Edward took a deep breath and dropped one of my hands, cautioning me with his eyes. He raised his hand slowly to my forehead and brushed back a lock of hair resting there. His fingers tenderly traced along my hairline, tucking the stray strand behind my ear before he lightly cupped my cheek in his palm. My breathing sped, but I didn't even have to think about it this time.
This was pure excitement.
"Would you like to go out on a…date with me?" his voice was just above a whisper, and I was so fucking lost in the soft vibrance of his green eyes and the movement of his lips and the feeling of his palm against my cheek. I didn't miss what he was asking. He wanted to know if I wanted to move forward, out of this weird realm of friends-but-not-really and into something more definite.
My eyes were wide as I nodded with a timid smile. "I'd love to." There was so much more that I wanted to say, but I couldn't seem to find words that didn't sound ridiculous and grandiose. I wanted to tell him that I wanted everything with him.
He smiled that irresistible crooked smile and said simply, "Thank you." His palm left my cheek, trailing slowly over my shoulder and down my arm to find my hand again. His touch always seemed to leave a faint tingling in its wake that I was growing to love. He suddenly looked down at the ground and peeked back up at me, a silly smile on his face.
God, he is so fucking adorable.
And gorgeous.
Yes, don't forget gorgeous.
And sexy.
I blinked at that last comment, and then I blushed in response to my own thoughts. I really was hopeless. How ridiculous.
I noticed darker spots appearing on his shirt as a light rain began falling. I frowned up at the sky and looked back at him with a pout. He laughed softly and moved to open my door before helping me inside. He held onto my left hand after I climbed in, and as I looked back down at him, he smiled and raised my hand, brushing a gentle kiss along my knuckles once more.
Just like before, I thought my heart would burst from the surge of exhilaration that coursed through my veins when his lips met my skin. I worked hard to suppress the squeal threatening to escape, but nothing could stop the ridiculous grin on my face.
Neither of us said anything else as he stepped back, closing my door. I watched him for a moment longer before I finally started my truck and backed out. Looking in my rearview mirror, I saw that he was still standing in the same spot, watching me, until I turned the corner and could no longer see him.
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