A/N: I don't own anything, especially not anything Twilight-related.
Sure wish I owned my own HotLoveMonkey, though. *sigh*
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BPOV
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, shifting my weight nervously from foot to foot as I studied my appearance. My hair was pulled up, and I was dressed in a white tank top above my black running pants with white stripes. Never in my life had I cared what I looked like when I was going to exercise…up until this week and Edward Cullen.
I lifted my arms to adjust my ponytail and winced as my muscles protested. For the first time in longer than I could remember, I was actually using my gym membership. I'd been paying for it for years, but I rarely had the courage to go. I hated the way guys at the gym stared…it always made me feel so exposed. Every few months, I'd work up the nerve to try going again – and the same thing would happen. So it was just far too easy to find excuses to stay home. Besides, I ran and ate right, so I was actually in very good shape.
Edward had called me Monday night after our lunch, and when he mentioned meeting Emmett the next day to work out, I'd asked which gym they went to. For some reason, I just sort of wanted to know the places he visited.
Stalker.
Shut up.
I told him that I belonged to the same gym, and he wondered aloud about how he'd never seen me there. I had finally admitted that even though I had a membership, I never actually went.
He'd gotten quiet for a moment, and then he'd said, "I'd be happy to meet you there sometime, if you'd like." I noticed he didn't ask why I never went, which told me that he probably guessed. I hated that I was so obviously weak. But…still…it was a chance to see Edward again, so I took it.
We'd met at the gym every morning since then, and I was sore in places I'd forgotten I had. We worked out side-by-side on some of the machines, doing cardio and a little strength training. We didn't talk much as we exercised, but we exchanged little glances and smiles, and I loved just having him near. It didn't hurt that Edward exerting himself and sweating profusely was a beautiful sight.
When guys looked my way, he tensed up and sometimes glared, and his protective nature made me feel more at ease. He also kept a comfortable distance for the most part, and I was both thankful for and annoyed with it. I knew he was doing it to make me feel safer, and I did…I just hated that I needed that to feel safe. Instinctively, I knew Edward would never hurt me. So why didn't my body seem to know that?
It was fucking frustrating.
Still…each time after we showered and met up again, we usually held hands on the way to our cars, and we found some small way to touch each other before we parted. I wanted so badly to know what it would feel like to have his arms wrapped around me, and I was trying like hell to gather the courage to find out, but…
But.
I sighed and wrinkled my nose at my reflection before I turned away to go put my shoes on.
I knew Edward was still meeting Emmett in the afternoons, and it seemed ridiculous to me that he had to double up on his workouts just because I was such a pansy. And so…here I was, at 3:00 on Thursday afternoon, about to do something either really brave or really stupid. Probably both.
I shrugged, took a deep breath, and finished tying my shoes before I grabbed my gym bag and headed to my car. The whole way over, I debated whether or not I should even do this. I didn't want to intrude on Edward's time with Emmett. I was sore as fuck, and the thought of working out again today wasn't really appealing. I was a little worried I'd be afraid of Emmett, since Edward said he was really big. I didn't know how Edward normally was at the gym - maybe he would rather be left alone. Maybe he was one of those guys who liked to leer at women. My breath caught at that thought, and I nearly decided to turn around.
But then I remembered that this was Edward. It didn't seem like him. And I thought he would like to see me just as much as I'd like to see him.
As I drove, I also thought about how different this week had been for me. Instead of my normal school-work-homework-cooking-WoW schedule, I now had…chaos. Edward and I spoke at least a couple of times a day. We'd met at the gym and at a nearby coffee shop. He'd gone with me to Charlie's to pick up our gaming table so it would be ready when the guys came – thank God the Chief hadn't been home. I wasn't quite ready for that particular meeting yet. I really needed to do some work on my thesis, but I couldn't even be bothered to research Donne at the moment. I didn't recognize myself.
And I really fucking loved it.
I still had moments of panic and self-doubt, but they were becoming fewer…and, thankfully, less pronounced. Sometimes the terror would overtake me unexpectedly, and I'd had another episode in front of Edward. He was always so sweet…just holding my hand and waiting for me to be okay. I hated the hurt look in his eyes. I knew he was hurting for me, and I both loved him and hated myself for it. He shouldn't have to look that way.
I wished so badly that I could be who he deserved. What had he done to get stuck caring about someone like me?
Pushing those dark thoughts away, I pulled into a parking space at the gym and grabbed my bag as I got out of the car. I inhaled deeply and held it for a moment before I released the breath, walking toward the door. I squared my shoulders and stood up straight, trying to exude a confidence I didn't truly feel.
When I walked inside, I looked around carefully and frowned. I didn't see him anywhere.
Maybe he cancelled with Emmett since he was just here this morning…
Just as I was about to turn around again and leave, I spotted his bronze hair on one of the weight benches across the room. A big guy I assumed was Emmett was standing near his head, spotting him as he lifted. I took a moment to examine Emmett and decided he was probably a few inches shorter than Felix and not quite as wide, but he was built in pretty much the same way – very thick and muscular. The resemblance to Felix was reassuring as I felt safer with him than with anyone but Jasper. He was laughing at Edward, and his grin gave him dimples that made him look anything but intimidating. His dark, curly hair was cut short, and he looked…kind of like an oversized teddy bear.
Emmett didn't seem frightening to me at all, so I relaxed a bit and lowered my gaze to examine Edward. I froze in place, my eyes widening to take in the sight of him stretched out on the weight bench. I felt a blush climb up from my neck to my cheeks, leaving a blaze all over my skin. He was lying flat as he pushed the weights upward, his arms straining and causing his muscles to tighten and ripple. His sleeveless shirt had risen, revealing the sculpted abs some of his other shirts had hinted at. His legs were parted with his feet flat on the floor, and his calves were more muscular than I'd realized. His shorts were baggy but thin, leaving little to the imagination sprawled out as he was. Every inch of exposed skin was glistening with sweat that added even more definition to his shape, and the look of concentration on his face created a strange yearning deep within me.
Good. Fucking. God.
I realized that now I was ogling Edward and, embarrassed at myself, I quickly glanced away…only to find a few other women looking at him as well. Two were being very discreet about it, occasionally cutting their eyes his way in the mirrors as they walked on treadmills, while a third had leaned against a nearby machine and was very openly staring. My eyes narrowed, and I glared at her, but she seemed oblivious. I stood in the center of the entryway observing her with my bag over my shoulder. I was envious of her obvious comfort. Her clothes formed a thin second skin over her toned body, which was tanned and…perfect. She was very pretty with a heart-shaped face and bright blue eyes that contrasted with the dark hair of her ponytail. Every piece of her – from her clothing to her stance – screamed self-assurance.
He deserves someone like that.
I bet she wouldn't be afraid to touch him…
Stupidly, I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears as I realized she could do things with him that I just…couldn't. Or wasn't sure if I could anyway. I mean, I couldn't even actually think about them without going into full-blown panic. It was so fucking unfair. Why couldn't I be good for him?
Dropping my head, I began to turn toward the door, when I heard Edward's voice call out, "Bella?"
Shit.
I should've known my luck would never let me escape unseen. I raised my head and looked back, seeing that Edward was now sitting on the bench, drying off his face and arms with a towel. He looked over his shoulder and answered something Emmett said, then smiled broadly and stood, jogging over to me.
I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my eyes, and offered up a small smile as I bit my bottom lip uncertainly. Even in my vague sense of despair, I couldn't help but notice how fantastic he looked as he made his way to me. The smile on his face and the brightness of his eyes began lifting my mood, and something about the way he looked at me reminded me that, inexplicably, Edward liked to be with me. It made no fucking sense to me, but I was determined to enjoy it for as long as he allowed.
Just as he reached me, I said, "Hi…" and looked down shyly. So much for strong, confident Bella.
I felt his finger beneath my chin before he tilted my face upward, forcing me to look into his eyes. He looked so…happy. I didn't understand it.
The uncertainty must've been plain on my face, but Edward just smiled. "It's so good to see you! I didn't expect you to be here…did you not get enough this morning?" he joked.
The unintended double entendre made me giggle, and as usual, I began to feel nearly giddy being around Edward. My smile was more genuine as I said, "It just seems silly for you to have to work out so much, so I thought…well, I thought if it's okay, I'd just join you guys." I glanced around him to see Emmett standing at the weight bench, smiling at us. I bit my bottom lip and gave a quick wave.
When I glanced back up at Edward, he was gazing down at me with a tender expression. "I'm not intruding, am I?" I could hear the worry in my voice.
Edward was shaking his head before I'd even finished. "Not in the least bit," he said, and he reached out to gently squeeze my hand. He leaned closer, his breath giving me the best kind of chills as it brushed across my cheek when he whispered, "But I don't mind meeting you in the mornings, you know…seeing you is my favorite way to start the day."
He straightened and smiled down at me, raising his voice to say, "Come on…let's go introduce you to Emmett." He turned, keeping my hand in his, and took my bag from me, carrying it as we walked back to Emmett together. I marveled at the way I'd come to really enjoy holding Edward's hand. It no longer made me nervous…and I had even stopped fearing that I'd see him when I touched Edward this way. The thought made me smile stupidly, and I swung our hands between us. Edward glanced down at me and winked.
Fucking hell…
I know…I know.
I noticed with satisfaction that Edward's admirer had given up and disappeared. But I was actually a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to see her face when I walked past her with Edward.
Heifer.
We reached Emmett, and Edward stopped us a few feet away. He squeezed my hand again as he said, "Emmett, this is Bella…Bella, Emmett."
Emmett raised both eyebrows and looked down at me with a smile, his eyes wandering between our hands, my face, and Edward before he held out his hand and said, "Good to meet you, Bella. I've heard a lot about you." He glanced at Edward, and his grin broadened. I looked up in time to see Edward roll his eyes.
I reached out, shaking Emmett's hand with my free one. I noticed Edward's eyes widen, and I was briefly frustrated.
Of course I can fucking handle shaking someone's hand!
Yeah, but…how would Edward know that? Huh?
I sighed when I realized that the voice had a point. Edward wouldn't know yet that I'd had to work through that particular problem before I started teaching. It was hardly possible to meet with male students without managing some manner of control over myself. As long as they mostly kept their distance and everything remained professional, I was fine. At most, I occasionally experienced a small bit of panic. I'd learned enough about my…condition over the years to know that it was in more intimate relationships that I had the most problems.
Shoving my momentary annoyance aside, I smiled up at Emmett as I dropped his hand. "Hi, Emmett…I've heard a lot about you too. I hope I'm not interrupting or anything. I just thought I'd work on a few machines while you guys did your stuff, but I wanted to say hello first."
Emmett glanced at Edward again, a mischievous, amused grin on his face. I looked up at Edward as well and saw that he wore a small frown as he returned Emmett's glance. Before I could ask him what was wrong, Emmett said, "Now there's no sense in that…you'll get a better workout if you let us help you with some free weights."
I blinked at him and then shifted my eyes to Edward. He looked a little apprehensive, and his expression gave me pause. I didn't know what, exactly, their helping with free weights would entail, and I wondered if it was something that would cause me to panic. As I looked at him, though, his expression softened, and his crooked smile told me he would watch out for me.
I smiled gently at him and told Emmett, "If you're sure you don't mind…"
Emmett rolled his eyes and laughed. "If I minded, I wouldn't have invited you," he said with a wink, and he reached out and pulled my ponytail.
Edward's eyes widened, and he stared at Emmett incredulously. For half a second, I wondered if that should bother me, but honestly…it hadn't. So I decided not to make an issue where there wasn't one, and I just shrugged at Edward.
"Alright," I said, "but I don't want to mess you guys up – you need to do whatever you normally do."
For some reason, that made Edward snort, and he grinned when I arched an eyebrow at him. He finally said, "Emmett's used to helping girls out at the gym," with a smirk. Emmett frowned at him.
Emmett shook his head and muttered something under his breath before clapping his hands once and rubbing them together. "Let's see…we'll start with some curls. We can all do that at the same time." He nodded to himself and then tilted his head, studying me with a calculating look for a moment before he wandered off to the rack of weights. He returned holding two small dumbbells and held them out to me. I took one in each hand, muttering an "oof" when the weight surprised me. Emmett grinned in response as I lowered the weights to my side.
Edward smiled at me quietly before he and Emmett both went to the weight rack to retrieve their own dumbbells. Once they returned, Emmett began explaining the proper way to lift. When I couldn't seem to get my elbow in the right place, making my weights go all sorts of crazy ways, Edward put down his and stepped toward me slowly. He looked into my eyes until I nodded, and then he moved to my side, placing one hand on my upper arm to adjust the angle, while the other hand moved to my wrist as he helped me complete a few reps before he said, "There you go," and moved away to pick up his dumbbells again.
At first, I blushed furiously as we all stood around lifting weights, the sight of Edward's bare arms flexing and relaxing thoroughly distracting me. He stood in front of me and to my left, while Emmett was to my right. I was aware of Emmett close by, but all my attention seemed to be focused on Edward. Soon, though, the strain of trying to complete my own workout got to me, and I heard myself grunting as I tried to finish Emmett's prescribed number of reps. They both finished before I did, and Emmett kept encouraging me to do, "Just one more!"
When I finished, I let both my arms drop with a sigh that quickly turned into a curse as the dumbbell in my left hand rammed into my thigh. "Motherfucker!" I muttered before I could stop myself. I blushed furiously, and a giggle escaped my lips in my embarrassment.
Damn it.
Emmett laughed at my exclamation, but Edward quickly dropped his weights and stepped toward me. He faltered just as he got to me, apparently unsure of what to do. "Are you alright?" he asked anxiously.
"I'm fine," I said before I bit my bottom lip. "Just not always the most coordinated." I carefully set the weights down before I rubbed my thigh with a slight wince. Definitely a bruise…
Edward looked unconvinced, so I smiled at him and nodded, blushing lightly. The way he looked at me…like I was…important - it was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. I mean, of course I knew I was important to some people – Jasper would've fucking starved years ago without me – but this was different. It was a certain kind of importance that made my smile broaden and caused me to reach out to take Edward's hand. His smile brightened in response, and his thumb caressed my hand as he looked at me.
Emmett cleared his throat pointedly and snickered.
I turned to him and arched an eyebrow. I liked Emmett, I was pleased to realize. He was friendly and funny, and I actually felt pretty comfortable around him. "Yes?" I asked a little haughtily.
He just laughed and pulled the end of my ponytail again. "I like you," he said simply.
I laughed with him and said, "I like you too." When I glanced back up at Edward, his expression was indecipherable, and I wondered if he was bothered that Emmett and I got along so well. That didn't really make sense to me though…I mean, I wanted so badly for him and Jasper to be friends. Before I could wonder too long, Emmett moved us on to our next set of exercises.
I lost track of all the things we'd done, but my arms were begging to be cut off from the rest of my body when Emmett finally said, "Okay…you can put those down now."
I leaned over, letting them drop to the floor with a relieved sigh that made Edward chuckle. Still bent over at the waist, I peeked up at him, blowing the hair that had escaped my ponytail out of my eyes. To my surprise, his eyes widened, and he stared at me while his lips parted slightly.
Huh. I think he…likes this…
At my realization, I blushed furiously, but I forced myself to stay where I was for a moment longer, giving Edward what I hoped was a flirtatious smile. In truth, I hadn't flirted with anyone in years, so I could only imagine what I looked like, but Edward blinked, staring a little longer before he swallowed and looked away.
I felt giddy and powerful and…just fucking good.
When I stood, my smile was stupidly wide, but I couldn't help it. That is, up until Emmett said, "Alright, lie down," and patted the weight bench. I stared at him.
"Me?" I finally asked.
He laughed. "Yes, you...we already did ours."
"But my arms are going to fall off!" I whined with a frown.
Emmett teased and taunted me until I finally laid down, glancing over at Edward. I was really glad to see that he looked happy, the unreadable expression gone from his face. "I'll spot her," he told Emmett, and suddenly I was looking up at Edward from below.
Fucking. Hell.
Shit.
Is that…?
Don't look!
I was biting my bottom lip and trying my best not to giggle like a little girl as Edward motioned for me to put my hands on the bar. I raised my arms, and I tried to keep my eyes away from Edward, but they seemed to be drawn there magnetically. I could see under the edge of his shorts, and I realized that Edward's thighs were as muscular as the rest of him. The thought was too much for me, and I finally giggled.
I couldn't tell if I just thought it was funny or if I was close to hysteria, and that confusion made me panic a bit. Then Edward leaned over the bar, looking down at me with an amused expression. I laughed harder at seeing him upside down, and when I snorted, I heard both him and Emmett join me.
"Dude, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think she's supposed to laugh like that," Emmett's voice taunted.
Edward straightened out of my sight, and I heard him hit Emmett as he laughed, "Shut the fuck up!"
Emmett must've hit him back because I heard a small scuffle, but then Edward was back in my field of vision, grinning down at me. "Are you ready?" he asked with amusement.
I was regaining some measure of control, so I nodded and bit my bottom lip. We stared at each other upside down with stupid smiles for a minute before I heard Emmett sigh dramatically. Edward rolled his eyes, grinned at me once more, and then helped me lift the bar off the supports.
"Fucking hell!" I grunted, my voice straining and my arms shaking as I struggled to keep the weight in the air. I was instantly serious, my jaw clenching as I focused on what I needed to do. Edward kept his hands on the bar, but he wasn't holding it up. Finally, I felt sure enough to lower the bar slowly, and I completed a few reps before I pushed the bar back to the supports and let my arms drop beside me, my hands brushing the ground.
"I think I'm dead," I finally said, and I heard the boys laugh.
I saw Emmett standing above me and off to the side, flashing a grin as he said, "Told ya you'd get a better workout."
I rolled my eyes at him before closing them, but I felt a smile spreading on my face.
As I lay there, I realized that today had gone…really, really well. I was getting used to being alright – and even happy – around Edward most of the time, but I'd also met a new guy and felt okay around him too. I knew that was largely due to the trust I'd slowly begun placing in Edward. If he felt like Emmett was okay, I believed him.
Wow…
Nothing but stunned silence sounded in my head.
I was cautious, though. I'd felt this same high so many times in the past few weeks, only to have it ripped out from under me by the stupidest things. My last panic attack had come when Edward had been driving my truck home from Charlie's with the table in the back.
I'd glanced back to make sure the ties were holding, and when I looked forward, for a moment, I'd seen him in my peripheral vision. It was so ridiculous. I'd never even been in this truck with that bastard, but my subconscious seemed determined to sabotage me, and I was left with my legs pulled to my chest and my face buried in my knees, gasping for breath.
I hadn't even realized that Edward had stopped until I'd calmed down and found us on the side of the road. He gently pried one of my hands from around my legs and sat stroking it, a pained look in his eyes as he watched me. It was in those horrible moments that I most saw his need to understand what had happened to me, but it was also at those moments when I was so close to the edge of hysteria that I least wanted to think about it.
I said the first thing that came to my mind when I saw that hurt look. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
Edward's voice nearly growled, "I told you not to apologize for this shit, Bella. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, calming himself. When he opened his eyes again, his expression had softened, and he reached out cautiously, tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear.
"I…I hate that you have to go through this," I finally admitted, bitterness in my voice as I blinked back tears that I was determined not to let spill over.
He shook his head with a soft sigh. "What a silly thing to apologize for…" he whispered, and the backs of his fingers brushed gently down my cheek. "Bella…I'd go through this for you if I could. Since I can't…I can at least go through it with you."
"Shit…I didn't actually kill her, did I?" I heard Emmett's voice ask, breaking me out of my memories. With my eyes still closed, I smiled and shook my head before I finally sat up.
"Close, but I think I'll make it," I managed to smirk at him. I was a little surprised to realize that, though I hated having those breakdowns in front of Edward, he somehow made each of them a pleasant memory in some way. It was just his reaction…so caring, so supportive. In some ways, it reminded me of Jasper, except he made me all fluttery in ways Jasper never had.
I felt a little lightheaded as I tried to stand, and Edward helped steady me with a hand on my elbow when I swayed. I felt that same faint tingling feeling when he touched me – I was really beginning to crave that.
I want to hug him.
That thought had been running through my mind several times a day ever since Monday. It wasn't a new thought, but it was a more persistent one. Just like his hand on the table, it was beginning to taunt me.
Once I regained my balanced, Edward dropped his hand, but he said, "Hey, Em and I usually go out for a drink after the gym. Do you want to come with us?"
Of course I fucking did. But I'd already taken up too much of their time, so I answered, "I don't know…I already messed up your workout. I don't want to get in the way."
Edward looked exasperated, but it was Emmett who responded, "Oh, come on - you have to come! Otherwise, this bastard will mope all night."
I felt a little thrill, and I couldn't help but smile as I glanced down at the ground. I looked back up and said, "Okay, that sounds like fun."
Edward picked up my bag again, and we started walking toward the locker rooms, still talking. Emmett seemed to joke a lot, and he and Edward had an easy friendship. I really enjoyed watching the two of them together. This was a side of Edward I really hadn't seen before – he seemed relaxed, and he was more sarcastic than I'd realized. Like so many things about him, the sarcasm was fucking hot.
I wondered how the hell I could be so attracted to him and yet so…powerless and scared shitless when it came to acting on it. I sighed.
Edward glanced over at me. "You okay?" he whispered.
I nodded in response, but I know my face was glum.
"If you're tired, you don't have to come," he said, and I realized that he was nearly pouting at the idea that I might not go with them.
Just as it had so many times in the past few weeks, my mood swung again, and I was smiling when I said, "Of course I'll be there."
How the fuck does he keep up with me?
Hell if I know.
I live here, and I have no fucking clue what you're thinking half the time.
Bitch.
Lovely.
As we reached the women's locker room, Edward passed my bag to me and said, "See you in a few minutes," with a smile. I pushed open the door and then paused, glancing over my shoulder in their direction. I was shocked to see that Edward was looking over his shoulder at me, too. He grinned sheepishly, and Emmett said something, making Edward punch him in the arm. They entered the men's locker room laughing, and I finally made my way inside to shower.
Once I was clean, I dressed in my jeans and the gray Clash t-shirt I'd brought with me. I tied my Chucks and put my sweaty clothes and sneakers in my gym bag before I grabbed my brush and walked to the mirror to brush my hair. Odd as it sounds, I saw that I was smiling, and that sight made me happy.
I tossed my brush back in my bag and zipped it, throwing the strap on my shoulder and making my way out of the locker room. The boys were already waiting on me a few feet away, and I nearly skipped toward them, eager to smell the fresh scent of sandalwood that was always so strong just after Edward showered at the gym. It was so silly how the little things about him kept getting to me.
Edward held out his hand for my bag, and he added it to his shoulder with his own when I passed it to him. Then he offered me his elbow, and I slipped my hand through the crook of his arm. This particular gesture was a fairly new one, and I liked that it brought me closer to him as we walked – and I liked even more that I was okay with it. Emmett snorted at us, and I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed.
In the parking lot, Edward walked me to my truck and tossed my bag inside, making sure I knew how to get to the bar. I knew the one he was talking about, so I nodded, and he leaned a little closer.
"I'm so happy you decided to come join us," he whispered, and I could hear…pride in his voice. I didn't really know what he was proud of, but it made me happy all the same.
I whispered back, "I really wanted to see you," and bit my bottom lip as I smiled up at him. He traced my cheek with the back of his fingers, running them along my jaw before he gently brushed his thumb along my chin, making me shiver. I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head.
He said simply, "See you there…" and then turned to go to his car.
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