A/N: This is the second half of chapter 15, Courage and Revelations. I still don't own anything. Enjoy!
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EPOV
As I drove to the bar, I was fucking stunned. I couldn't believe Bella had shown up this afternoon. I knew she had to be sore as hell. We'd been at the gym every morning this week, and we exercised pretty hard – she was out of practice, too, having not used her membership in years.
There was only reason she'd come this afternoon, and that was to see me. Given what Alice had told me - and what I'd seen for myself - every little gesture she made like this left me in awe. She was trying so hard…for me. It was humbling. I didn't understand what she saw in me that made her want to try, but I was so unbelievably fucking glad she did.
Emmett arrived at the bar first with me just behind, and we both waited for Bella at the door. He looked at me with a shit-eating grin, and I said flatly, "What?"
"Nothing, man…" he answered. "I like her. She seems cool." He shrugged.
I raised an eyebrow. Before I could say anything else, though, Emmett said, "Here she comes…" and nodded toward his left. I turned to watch Bella approach, and – as always – she put a smile on my face. I couldn't seem to help it.
She held out her hand as she got to me, and I swear something in me melted a little. I know I sound like some giddy fucking schoolgirl, but there's no other way to describe it. The trust she was beginning to place in me was astounding.
I'd reminded Emmett at the gym that she hated to be followed, so I was a little annoyed with him when he held open the door and, sweeping his hand in a grand gesture, said, "After you, madam."
Bella looked up at me, and I led the way inside, her hand still clasped in mine. Once we got there, she stepped to the side of the door and waited for Emmett to enter. I took over, saying, "Hey, Em, why don't you go grab a table?"
He looked at me strangely before he nodded. Once he'd disappeared into the second set of doors, I looked down at Bella who was gazing back up at me curiously. "I just wanted to say hello in private," I said quietly with a small smile as I took her other hand and gave them both a gentle squeeze. It was the truth, and it was a lie. I really wanted to see if she was doing okay – this had been a long day of brave steps for her.
She just gave a silly smile and said, "Hi," before she bit her bottom lip, drawing my eyes there. That particular habit never failed to quicken my pulse, and the way her blush bloomed on her cheeks reminded me of the hours at the gym where I was able to watch Bella pushing herself. I'd thought watching Bella play Wii had been strangely erotic, but that had nothing on Bella at the gym. The sight of her there, being so physical with that light sheen of sweat covering her body and the look of concentration on her face reddened from exertion, had me squirming – and trying to inconspicuously adjust myself – every day.
With those memories, I felt the arrival of the nearly constant erection I sported around Bella, and I made a quick promise to myself that I would take a nice, long shower when I got home. Not that that was anything new.
I truly tried to contain those types of thoughts around Bella. I really enjoyed just being with her – she was funny and smart and kind, and she had the most interesting way of looking at things sometimes. I had hoped that, as I got to know her better, I would be able to focus more on her personality so that the way she tempted me physically would lessen. Ironically, the opposite had happened. The more she intrigued me mentally, the more stimulated I became in all ways. It was a problem I was beginning to hope would last forever.
Suddenly, the door opened, and I realized Bella and I had just been standing there, staring at each other, for…I had no idea how long. I seemed to forget everything when I was with her. It was fucking awesome.
Bella grinned at me, and we both moved to the side to let a group of women pass. I glanced at them, seeing that they were probably college-aged without really noticing anything else, and when I looked back at Bella, she was frowning at them. I followed her gaze curiously, but I couldn't quite figure out what put the frown on her face. When I looked at her again, it was gone.
Weird.
We finally made it into the bar, and I led Bella to the table Emmett and I always claimed. He already had a round waiting for us, and he watched with an eyebrow raised as I helped Bella out of her coat and into a chair with her back to the wall. I gave him a pointed look that said, You could learn something here, asshole. I smirked when he laughed.
Bella immediately took a sip of her beer, letting out a contented sigh as I settled into my own seat. I had to laugh. I loved how she was always so…genuine. She never tried to hide anything.
Except her past.
Fuck you.
"I ordered some wings – we can get something else if you'd rather," Emmett said to Bella. He glanced at me. See, I can be all thoughtful and shit too, his expression told me.
My answering glare said, Get your own damn girlfriend.
Girlfriend. It was a word I had run like hell from for so many years, and now it had been kicking around in my head ever since Monday. I accepted that that was really how I thought of Bella, though it didn't seem like nearly enough. But it was the best label I had at the moment…not that I would dare voice it aloud.
Bella, unaware of the silent exchange between Emmett and me, said, "Thank God! I'm fucking starving." Emmett and I both laughed, and Bella joined in.
From there, the conversation flowed easily, and I sat back and listened a lot, observing the way Bella interacted with Emmett. She kept her distance, but she talked with him freely, and most of the time, she seemed completely at ease. I listened as they discussed his business and her job at the university. Emmett asked about her thesis, and Bella told him it was on John Donne.
He cut his eyes slyly to me and said, "Oh, yeah, I think I've heard of him…he's a poet or something, right?"
Asshole. I rolled my eyes at him and muttered under my breath.
Bella smiled and said he was, and they talked for a few minutes about how her writing was going. From there, they reminisced about their days in college, leading the conversation to turn to sports, and Emmett burst out laughing when Bella said that her favorite football team was Cincinnati.
"Seriously? The Bengals?" he shook his head, taking a sip of his beer as he chuckled. "I guess I should've known you liked losers…" he nodded his head toward me and winked at Bella.
She laughed and blushed, glancing at me with a shy smile. I felt her hand on my knee and jumped from the unexpected contact, but she just gave it a gentle squeeze and left her hand there. I rested my left hand on top of hers.
Fuck! You'd think she just grabbed your dick. Dumbass.
I had no answer for that.
"I think I liked their uniforms," Bella admitted with a giggle, and we both laughed with her.
"Well, at least that's a reason for liking them…it can't be the way they play," Emmett teased.
The wings arrived, and we devoured them while they continued to taunt each other through different subjects. The food was rapidly disappearing when finally, Emmett said, "So Edward said you liked doing electrical work?"
This had been one of the many very surprising facts I'd learned about Bella during our long drive to and from Forks to pick up her gaming table. I had no idea what the fuck a gaming table was, so I'd asked her about it. She'd explained that it was a table she and Jasper had made years ago when their group had gotten too big for the dining room table. Jasper apparently enjoyed carpentry, so he'd built the table, and Bella had matter-of-factly explained that she'd wired it for lights and her laptop. When I asked her about that, she told me that she really enjoyed doing electrical work, and that she, Jasper, and Embry – who did plumbing – used to joke about opening their own construction company.
I watched Bella's face light up as she talked with Emmett. She explained that she really liked working with her hands – it seemed like honest work to her, and it was one of the reasons she liked cooking so much. They discussed some of the more technical aspects and the science behind it before finally Emmett asked, "So if you love it, why are you studying English? Why not get your license and do it full time?"
Bella blushed and looked down at the table, blinking. "I thought about it," she admitted, "but I don't really want to be the only woman at construction sites."
She didn't say anything more, and I found myself frowning at Emmett. He looked bewildered and actually a little hurt, so I couldn't really be mad at him. He'd just been curious, not realizing where that particular conversation would lead. I sighed softly and squeezed her hand, causing her to turn her eyes to me. For a moment, her expression was so heartbroken that I felt a surge of anger at Emmett anyway. But as she watched me, her eyes slowly brightened, and she gave me a small smile.
I would do anything for this woman.
Anything at all.
She raised her head bravely and continued the conversation. "So I just sort of do odd jobs for friends and stuff…and Rosalie taught me how to do some stuff with my truck, and that's sort of the same, in a way." She shrugged.
"Who's Rosalie?" Emmett said, latching on to the feminine name immediately. He was like a fucking shark sniffing blood in the water.
Bella's lips turned up in a sly grin. She glanced at me before looking back at Emmett. "Oh, Rosalie is Jasper's twin…she's an apprentice at an auto shop in Portland. Did Edward not mention her to you?" She turned to me, and her expression was mischievously playful.
"No…no, he didn't. So what's she like?" Emmett asked with a speculative expression, his eyes bright. He loved cars, so the thought of a woman who worked with them had to have him close to jizzing in his pants. I'd been surprised to see that he really hadn't gone after any more random women since his confession of sorts, but that definitely didn't stop him from looking. I could understand that.
"Well…" Bella inhaled slowly and let it out with a sigh, feigning a sad, protective expression. "She's awesome, really. She's funny and sarcastic and smart, and she's really cool. She's loved cars since we were kids, so when we started high school, she took some classes and really got into it. She got a business degree in college, and now she's apprenticing so she can open her own shop one day. The rarer the car, the better for her. Unfortunately…" Bella trailed off with a frown, looking down at the table. "Well, unfortunately…Jasper sort of got all the looks in the family…"
I stared at her incredulously before I could compose myself. Though she wasn't my type at all, Rosalie was gorgeous. Realizing what Bella was doing, I assumed a somber expression and sighed. She was fucking with Emmett, and I loved it.
Emmett leaned back in his chair with a sigh before he rearranged his expression, trying to pretend he wasn't disappointed. I noticed he didn't ask any more questions about Rosalie, though. I could understand his disappointment. When you really began looking for that one person who you were attracted to on every level, it was frustrating to find bits and pieces.
We'd all had a couple of beers, so when the waitress came around again, we ordered Cokes, knowing we'd be there awhile longer but that we'd also need to be able to drive home. I noticed Emmett kept a slight pout through the rest of the conversation, and I actually felt bad for the guy, having been in his situation not that long ago myself. Of course, Rosalie had a boyfriend, so maybe this was better anyway. No need to tell him that not only did she love working with cars, she was a fucking bombshell too. His head might explode.
Eventually, Emmett said, "Well, Bella, I'm glad you decided to come to the gym today. I don't know when this asswipe was going to introduce us." He punched my arm as he grinned at Bella.
"I'm glad I got to meet you too, Emmett," she answered with a smile.
"It's a good thing you came along. I was beginning to worry that maybe Alice was right about him." He winked at Bella, making her blush while I rolled my eyes. "But you know, I never thought I'd see the day Edward was with just one woman – it was always feast or famine with him," Emmett continued. My head snapped around to look at him, and my glare clearly said, What. The. FUCK?
He shrugged at me as if to say, She needs to know. Like it was his fucking place to decide that shit. We both looked over at Bella, who was frowning. She didn't say anything at all, and I barely restrained myself from hitting Emmett.
I knew she needed to know, but finding out so casually from my best friend instead of more thoughtfully from me wasn't exactly how I'd pictured that particular conversation going. Okay, so in truth, I hadn't imagined it at all – I seemed to be trying to pretend that none of that mattered because I wasn't that guy any more. But I knew it would matter to Bella. Of course it would. If I was being honest, it would matter a hell of a lot to me if she'd slept around with a ton of guys before we'd met. I knew that wasn't fair, but that didn't change anything.
I felt like the biggest fucking asshole on the planet. Why had I ever been that way? I was scared to death that it might mean I was never going to be good enough for Bella. I truly wished I'd waited for her, as I had intended to wait all those years ago.
Please don't even start with that shit. It's over. Move on.
Bella's expression made Emmett realize he'd fucked up – and not just with me. He hadn't intended to hurt her. He worked hard for the next several minutes, making jokes at his own expense until she was finally smiling again. Her pensive mood kept slipping in, though, and I knew she was still thinking about what Emmett had said, wondering about the implications.
Fuck.
I'd hoped we could put off this conversation a little longer, but it seemed like the time was upon us. After about another half-hour of conversation, Emmett picked up the tab with a look of apology directed toward me. I rolled my eyes before I nodded with a sigh. Yeah, we're cool.
We all stood, and I helped Bella with her coat before we made our way outside. We said our goodbyes to Emmett, and I walked Bella to her truck. When we got there, she turned and leaned back against the door, taking both of my hands in hers. I tilted my head and looked at her curiously, though I sure as fuck thought I knew where this was going.
I hoped I was wrong.
In an attempt to distract her, I asked, "So did you have a good time?"
A smile flitted across her lips as she nodded. "I did…Emmett's really cool. I can see why you guys are friends." But just as quickly as the smile appeared, it vanished, and she looked down at the ground, biting her bottom lip.
I sighed softly.
"Bella?" I asked.
She looked up at me, and I inhaled sharply when I realized there were tears in her eyes. Her voice was thick when she said, "Can…can we talk?"
Fuck.
I kept my voice soft as I said, "Of course we can, Bella…did you want me to follow you to your place?" I brushed the back of my fingers along her cheek, trying my best to comfort her.
She shook her head. "Jasper and Alice are there. I…well…I kind of just want us to be alone for awhile. If…if that's alright?" She looked nervous and unsure, and I realized she didn't know if I'd want to be alone with her. How fucking ironic.
I couldn't wait to be alone with her, and I was counting down the minutes until tomorrow when we'd be able to spend hours together with few outside interruptions. I'd actually wished that our "date" could be us hanging out in my apartment, but I didn't think that would exactly qualify, and since this was Bella's first date in half a decade, I wanted it to be something she'd remember.
The knowledge that she was still unsure of how I felt about her left me frustrated, but I smiled at her, happy to realize that – even having a hint of what my past was like – she still wanted to be around me. It seemed like a good place to start.
"If you'd like, we can go to my apartment…if you think you'd be comfortable there, I mean?" I didn't mean for it to sound quite so much like a question, but I really didn't want her coming over if it was going to make her uneasy.
She nodded and gave me a quiet smile, squeezing my hand. It seemed like she was trying to tell me that, even though we needed to talk, we were still okay. Or maybe that was wishful thinking on my part.
I gave her directions and told her she could follow me there, and then I made her get in the truck. It had gotten dark, and it was cold and wet out - I didn't want her getting sick from the nasty weather. I would've been happier to have her ride with me, but…well…I wanted to give her an escape route if she wanted one. The thought that she might decide to use it had me frowning as I made my way to my car and led Bella to my apartment.
Once I'd parked, I walked over to her truck, helping her out and leading her to my door. I did a quick run-through of my place in my mind, hoping like hell I hadn't left dirty underwear on the floor or something equally as embarrassing.
Though it went against my instincts, I unlocked the door and stepped inside first. I hated leaving her out there, even for a moment, but I knew she was happier this way. Once she'd joined me, I locked the door and led her on a short tour through the apartment, pointing out the different rooms. Her eyes lit up curiously at the kitchen, and she glanced inside. She smiled at something on my counter, and I looked over to see my KitchenAid mixer. She was so adorable.
She blushed as she glanced into my bedroom. I'd left the bed unmade, and even I could see the impression of my body in the sheets and my head on the pillow. Too late to make it now, but thankfully there was nothing embarrassing lying about.
I took her back to the living room and sat on one end of the couch, letting her wander around and look at things as she wanted to. Like Alice, she took in my mantle, empty of everything except my clock, and she seemed to like the fireplace, cold though it was at the moment. Her smile brightened when she saw my guitar leaning against the entertainment center, and she looked at me with happiness and astonishment written on her face.
I arched an eyebrow at her. "I told you I played," I teased. Did she think I'd been lying?
She giggled and turned to look at my DVD racks, running her fingers along some of the titles. She paused to read the names of my Xbox 360 games more carefully, and I found myself smiling at her. Finally, she walked over to the couch.
I expected her to sit at the opposite end, but she surprised me by sitting down beside me. She turned to face me, pulling her knee up onto the couch so she was sitting sort of half-Indian style. Her hands rested on her shin, and I turned toward her, mirroring her position and taking her hands in mine.
I waited for her to speak. Now that the moment was here, I really didn't want to delay it anymore, and I knew my natural tendency to deflect and stall would come out if I spoke first. I watched as her brow furrowed and she studied my face. I was really glad to see that she still looked…interested and caring. I hated the concern I saw in her eyes, though.
Finally, she glanced away, looking down at our hands. I saw her shoulders move as she took a deep breath before she spoke. "So…did umm…did Emmett…" she trailed off as she exhaled a sigh. She raised her eyes to mine, and I saw hurt and worry and concern and fear there. I didn't think she'd be able to finish her question.
I ran both my thumbs along the backs of Bella's hands, hoping she would find the gesture soothing. I steeled myself and became determined to keep my eyes on hers as I spoke. I was not proud of the things I'd done, but all of it had made me the man I was today, and if she decided to be with me, I wanted it to be with full knowledge of who I was. Anything less would feel…false.
"When I was in college…" I began, sighing quietly as I struggled to keep my promise to look into her eyes. I couldn't stand the thought of seeing hurt and disappointment there – especially not if I caused them. "I was not always a very nice guy. I was in a pretty bad place when I first started school, not that that is any excuse, and I really didn't know what to do." I paused for a moment, not sure how much of this I should tell.
Fuck it.
Yeah, get it all over with, man. No need to have to bring this shit up again later.
I grimaced, realizing what "all of it" would entail. I began idly playing with Bella's fingers as I spoke, and I found that there was no way I'd be able to look at her, so I watched our hands. This was too fucking humiliating, and I had never told anyone the full story. Never. Not even Emmett.
"Alright, so I don't know what Alice told you, but she is lacking some…seriously important information either way, so I'll just start at the beginning," I frowned briefly. Fucking hell. "When I was in high school, I dated a girl named Tanya for a couple of years…I had never felt about anyone the way I felt about her, and I really thought she was the one…" I trailed off grimacing as I remembered.
"Tanya and I talked about marriage, having a family…all of it. I thought that we agreed on so many things, but it turns out we were extremely different people." Heh, fucking understatement of the century. "One of the things that we initially agreed on was that we would wait until we were married to…umm…" Fuck. What the hell should I call it with Bella? "Well, to sleep together. But when our senior year started, she sort of began…pushing me…" And this would be part of the reason I'd never told this story before. Damn.
I sighed, and I was surprised when Bella began rubbing comforting circles on the backs of my hands with her thumbs. I glanced up at her and saw only concern and maybe love in her eyes. I found that there was actually strength in looking at her as I spoke, so I kept my eyes trained on hers and tried not to focus so much on my words, letting them flow as they would. "I know it sounds corny, but I really wanted our first time to be something special and meaningful, so I kept putting her off. She…she became more distant and short with me. We fought a lot. She yelled at me, told me that I was making her feel unattractive and unwanted." I furrowed my brow, still bothered by that. "I did everything I could to make her see that I did want her, but nothing seemed to work. Finally, I…gave in…" I could feel heat on my cheeks. This could not get any more fucking embarrassing. Bella's caring eyes gazed into mine, and I couldn't take it. I glanced away.
"We…" I trailed off, once again unsure what to call it. "Fucked" would probably be most appropriate, but no way was I saying that. "We had sex just once, in her bedroom one afternoon while we were alone. It was…" I sighed, pulling one of my hands free from Bella's to run my fingers through my hair. "Quick, honestly. There was nothing remarkable about it at all. I hoped, though, that things would go back to normal with us afterwards, but the opposite happened. Things just kept getting worse."
I shook my head. And here is where my mortification will reach its peak. "I was still trying everything I could think of, so one night, I went to her house to surprise her. I'd brought her flowers and all that shit. Her parents weren't home, so I let myself in just like always and…walked in on her with another guy. Just like a goddamn movie." Bella gasped, but I kept talking. "I didn't even know what to do, so I just stood there for a minute, and she saw me. She screeched at me. I don't even know what she fucking said, really. I was too shocked to do anything, so I just left. Walked out and went home."
I scrubbed my hand across my face and then ran my fingers through my hair again. I'm sure Bella didn't realize the worst part was yet to come. "She showed up at my house about fifteen minutes later, wanting to talk. By then, I was livid, and I yelled at her, calling her a whore…" Bella's fingers laced through mine, but I couldn't look at her yet. "She screamed right back, and she told me that…" I swallowed and my voice was lower when I continued "that I was the 'worst fucking lay' she'd ever had and that she had 'needs' I couldn't begin to meet. She told me about the guys she'd slept with and the things they'd done to her…it was fucking brutal. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I…shoved her…out of the house, telling her I never wanted to see her again." I frowned, hating that I'd put my hands on her, no matter what she'd said to me.
I sighed and finally looked up at Bella. She was watching me closely, her eyes roaming my face as she studied my expression. I tried to give her a smile, but it faltered before it fully formed. "Anyway, I was crushed. I thought she was perfect…I was going to propose to her that summer. And it turned out that she was doing all sorts of things I had no idea about behind my back. It sort of…killed me, honestly." I shrugged.
"So when I got to college, I didn't want to deal with that shit any more. I was hurt, but I was more fucking pissed off. I just did whatever the hell I felt like. I met random girls at parties or bars and went back to their apartments. I never even really knew their names, not enough to remember anyway. I didn't know a damn thing about any of them, and as much as I hate to admit it, I liked it that way. I thought I couldn't get hurt," I finally looked up at Bella, realizing that what I was saying sounded really fucking terrible. I had nearly forgotten she was there, so caught up in telling my own story while she was sitting so quietly. I wondered what she thought of me now. Her expression was apprehensive, but I couldn't really read it beyond that. I frowned and raised my free hand to cup her cheek.
She took a shaky breath and blinked a couple of times before offering me a small smile. Was she afraid? Did she hate me?
Unfortunately, there was still more I needed to say, so with a sigh, I began again, "Then one day…about a year and a half ago…" 573 fucking days ago, to be exact "I was umm…with a girl, and I just couldn't do it. I felt sick. I holed up in my apartment for a few days, trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted, and I realized that I needed something different. As scared as I was – and that was really what it was. I was a coward. I didn't want to open myself up to that kind of hurt and ridicule again. But I didn't want random girls any more. I wanted something real." I gazed into Bella's eyes, trying to find the courage even now to tell her about it all – the poem, the waiting for her, how I felt when I found her. But even now, I was a chickenshit who was too afraid to put myself out there so fully.
Suddenly, Bella chuckled, but it was a dark, humorless sound, and I realized that her eyes were filling with tears. What the hell?
"Bella? What's wrong?" I asked quietly, and I wanted to hold her so badly I could hardly stand it. If I'd fucking hurt her…I felt the anger at myself bubbling up in my chest.
"It's just so fucking ironic," she said, her voice thick as she sniffled. I waited, but she didn't continue.
"What's ironic?" I asked, and my hand lifted of its own accord, tucking a lock of hair back behind her ear.
"You wanted something different from sleeping with random girls…so you get stuck with a fucking girl you can't touch," she said matter-of-factly, shrugging before her face crumpled and she stared down at our hands.
For a moment, I was stunned. I was angry. I didn't even know at whom. Myself, obviously. But I was also a little bit pissed off at Bella. How dare she think I was "stuck"?
She doesn't know. Remember?
I took a deep breath and lifted Bella's chin, forcing her to look at me. She averted her eyes, and my voice was a little harsher than I intended when I said, "Bella. Look at me."
Her lower lip quivered, but she turned her eyes back to mine. "Do not ever think that I am stuck with you. You have given me more than I ever thought I could have. I feel extremely lucky to be able to spend time with you, and every time you smile at me, I feel like I could die a happy man. So don't you dare ever say that I am stuck. This is exactly where I want to be. Whatever our problems are, we'll work them out together. Do you understand me?"
Bella blinked at me a few times, and I expected to see a smile on her face, but after she looked at me a moment, she lowered her head and fucking sobbed.
What.
The.
Fuck?
I didn't know if I would ever understand women, even this one that I was crazy about. Had I said something wrong? I couldn't take just sitting there watching her, so I tried to soothe her, running my hands lightly up and down her arms. She was still for a moment, and then she…launched herself at me. I froze in response as she slipped into my lap, resting her head on my shoulder and burying her face in my neck.
She was mumbling something, but I couldn't make out what it was. After I sat motionless like an idiot for a moment, I breathed, "Oh Bella…" and wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her hair. The sensation of holding her was unbelievable…better than I had ever imagined. Of course, in my fantasies, she hadn't been sobbing uncontrollably, but I decided I'd have to take what I could get.
I adjusted us slightly so that we were sitting more comfortably, and I gently rubbed her back, waiting for her to calm. Finally, she raised her head and looked up at me, smiling though her face was tear-streaked.
"I'm sorry," she whispered in a thick voice.
She really needed to stop fucking apologizing.
"Bella, please stop apologizing…what are you sorry for?" I kept rubbing slowly up and down her back, a large part of my mind lost in the feeling of holding her while the smaller part tried like hell to keep all of me focused on Bella and what she needed.
"I'm so sorry for what happened to you…and…and for not being able to just be with you like I want to be. I know it's fucking frustrating, and I'm so scared that you're going to give up on me. I don't know what to do if that happens, but I also don't want you to stay around just because you feel sorry for me. I'm so fucking confused, and I can't even begin to straighten it out, but mostly I'm just happy…and I hope like hell every minute that you are too," Bella spoke frankly, and I thought it might be the most honest thing she'd ever said to me. She just bared her soul, exposing her fears and trusting me not to hurt her. Once again, I felt humbled and awed at the way she regarded me.
"Bella," I smiled at her quietly, unable to stop myself from caressing her cheek, "that's not going to happen. I'm not going anywhere."
"Edward…" she trailed off, closing her eyes. "If I…can't do this…I need you to promise me that you won't waste your time with me. It's bad enough for me to ruin my own life. I won't ruin yours too."
I waited for her to open her eyes, wanting to know her reaction to what I was about to tell her. It was the fucking truth, and she should know it. When her brown eyes finally fluttered open, I spoke softly but honestly, "Bella, you are my life now. I think about you every second of the day, and I just want to be in your life in whatever way you'll have me."
I saw her eyes flash, and when she opened her mouth, I knew she was going to protest, so I gently pressed my finger against her lips and said, "There is nothing you can say that will change how I feel, Bella. I have been waiting for you my whole life.'
Slowly, her smile spread against my fingertip, and she took a deep breath. I moved both my arms back around her, just enjoying holding her close to me finally. I loved how I could feel each breath she took, though I'm sure I'd never noticed that before with anyone else. I gradually felt her relax, and she finally laid her head back on my shoulder.
We sat in silence for a long time, and I hoped she was enjoying this as much as I was. I noticed she wasn't tense, and she seemed completely at ease. Without thinking, I kissed the top of her head and then froze, wondering if that was too far. Bella's hand tightened on my arm for a moment before she settled back in again, relaxing against me further.
I smiled and rested my cheek against her head, just holding my Bella for the first time. I certainly hoped it wouldn't be the last.
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