JOotG Chapter 19 - Helplessness and Hope

A/N: If you've read no other author's note I've written, PLEASE read this one. If you don't, well…I tried to warn you.

This chapter is the long-awaited story of Bella's past. It was extremely difficult to write, and I'm going to assume it'll be difficult for some to read as well. Because of this, I have written two chapters. There is this one, which is BPOV and includes her memories, and then there is an EPOV posted under "More of the Guys" that does not have her memories but has Edward's reaction. Both chapters contain the same dialogue, so I am not posting both in the main story.

This chapter has graphic memories of Bella's assault. If you are bothered by depictions of violence and rape, do not read this chapter. You can still read the same dialogue and get "the story" in the EPOV chapter of "More of the Guys."

Personally, I would read both just because I would want to read Bella's memories, but I would also want to know what Edward was thinking. Completely up to you, but don't say I didn't warn you. Also, as a personal recommendation, I would suggest reading Edward's first so you can experience it as he does before you see Bella's memories.

Thank you so much for the PMs, reviews, talk on the forums, and the talk elsewhere (I love my Twisters) that has kept me going. And no, this is not the end – this story is far from over, and this is really just the beginning in some ways.

Special thanks to my people on the twilighted thread that played dress-up-Edward with me :)

End ridiculously long A/N…

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BPOV

It was my turn to sit out, so I was relaxing on the couch, grinning as I watched Edward play. His eyes were trained on the TV in front of him, and I took the opportunity to stare at him openly. His deep gray shirt was unbuttoned with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and he was wearing a brown leather cuff watch on his left arm that kept drawing my gaze to his forearms. His T-shirt had made me smile each time I looked at him tonight – it was a blue Amazing Spider-Man shirt with Spidey striking a classic pose in front of a target. I bit my bottom lip again as I looked at it, knowing Edward would have picked it out because of…me. It fit snuggly, and I felt my cheeks heat as I admired the way it showed off his chest. His jeans were slung low on his hips, and they looked well-worn, curving to him naturally. He was standing in his socks, his feet apart as he focused on the game. His fingers moved nimbly along the guitar controller, and his gaze was intense though there was a smile on his face as he stuck his tongue out a bit in concentration.

"Come on, Em! You gotta do better than that shit," he taunted, never taking his eyes off the screen. They were playing "Chop Suey" on Rock Band 2, and he'd been giving Emmett a hard time. Edward was playing bass while Emmett was playing lead guitar, and there was no question about who was better.

"Fuck you," Emmett answered absently, trying to keep up with the notes scrolling along the screen.

Emmett had had no problems with changing their Saturday night plans, and he and Edward had been over for several hours, drinking margaritas and playing video games with us. He and Jasper had already struck up an easy friendship, and he fit in as if he'd been with us for years. Interestingly, having Emmett over had also caused a kinship to develop between Edward and Jasper as my best friend occasionally defended my boyfriend from Emmett's teasing.

…boyfriend?

I bit my bottom lip, furrowing my brow as I turned the word over in my mind. I felt a faint fluttering in my chest, and my breathing sped briefly. I accepted that Edward was more than just a friend to me…I just wasn't sure exactly what we were.

I sighed and shook my head, deciding not to worry about labels at the moment. There would be plenty of time for that later. For now, I glanced around at my friends and smiled.

We were crammed into our living room, which seemed nearly as small as it would when the guys arrived tomorrow, and the boys occasionally bumped into each other as they played. Everyone gave Alice a wide berth on her drums, though. I'd been surprised to learn she was crazy good, but she had a tendency to flail a lot, and she beat the hell out of anyone who got too close to her. She was seriously in the zone.

I let my eyes drift to Jasper as he sang. He was belting out, "Wake up! Grab a brush and put a little make up," at the top of his lungs, and I snickered at the serious expression on his face.

I thought I heard a noise, but I couldn't tell above the music from the TV. I sat up straighter and listened closely, but I didn't hear it again, so I shrugged and settled back on the couch. I was really enjoying watching Edward with everyone else. He seemed so carefree and happy, just joking around with Emmett, Jasper, and Alice. It was such a contrast to the way he was always so careful around me. He and I joked, of course, but this was different…he seemed more relaxed, the tension gone from his shoulders. I felt both sad and appreciative that he took such care with me. I hoped that, some day, it wouldn't be necessary.

This time, I was sure I heard a noise, and I frowned, turning toward the hallway. I heard keys jingling in the lock, and I halfway stood as the sound of the door opening drifted to me. Jasper finally heard it as well and stopped singing, turning away from the TV as we heard a voice call out, "Jasper? Bella? What the fuck does it take to get you to answer the door?"

Jasper's microphone hit the floor, and his eyes found mine as we screeched, "Rosie!" and took off down the hall. He got there first and scooped Rosalie up, hugging her and spinning her around while I followed a few steps behind.

As he set her down, Rosalie grumbled, "God, you still have no manners! If I'm going to be man-handled, it shouldn't be by my brother, for fuck's sake."

She swatted at Jasper, but I interrupted, hugging her tightly. She said, "Hey Bella," and squeezed me, kissing my cheek.

"Hey Rose," I answered, letting her go as I stepped back and looked at her carefully. As always, she was immaculately put together, not a hair out of place despite being "man-handled" by Jasper. She looked a little tired, and I hoped it was just from her trip. Before I could ask, I noticed her looking curiously over my shoulder and remembered that we weren't alone.

I turned and watched Jasper walk a few steps back down the hallway. Alice was standing in front of Emmett and Edward, and the boys were in nearly identical poses, leaning a shoulder against opposite walls. Emmett's expression was priceless. His was slightly slack-jawed, and his eyes were as big as an anime girl's as he took in the sight of Rosalie. Jasper held out his hand, and Alice smiled at him, skipping forward as she slipped her hand into his. Jazz pulled her back toward us and said, "Rosie, this is my girlfriend, Alice."

Rosalie tilted her head, studying Alice for a moment before her face broke into a slow smile. She leaned forward and pulled Alice into a hug, holding her tightly. "I'm so happy to finally meet you, Alice. Jasper won't shut the fuck up about you," she said with her characteristic bluntness, making me grin.

Alice giggled and returned the hug as she said, "I'm happy to meet you too! Jasper's told me a lot about you."

Rosalie straightened and looked pointedly at Jasper. "I hope for his sake it was all good things."

I chuckled, and I realized how good it felt to have Rosalie back. Sometimes things just felt more…complete with her around. I took a step toward Edward, holding out my hand, and he smiled as he walked forward, putting his hand in mine. Turning to Rosalie, I said, "This is my…" and trailed off, my eyes flying wide.

Fuck. How had "boyfriend" almost slipped out?

"Edward," I finished quickly, hoping she wouldn't notice.

Rosalie arched one perfect eyebrow and let her gaze travel the length of Edward's body before she said, "Your Edward, huh? Well, I can see why you'd want to keep him to yourself…" She smirked at me and then held her hand out to Edward. "I'm Rosalie Hale," she said. "Nice to meet you."

I barely noticed Edward shaking her hand as Jasper and I looked at each other, wide-eyed. Rosalie never dropped anything that easily. Not just never but…Never. Fucking. Ever. I was in deep shit.

I realized I was still gaping at Jasper when I heard Emmett's voice say, "I'm Emmett McCarty," and I snapped out of my stupor, looking over to see Emmett shaking Rosalie's hand with the biggest grin I'd ever seen on his face. His eyes were bright, and his dimples were so prominent, it made my cheeks ache just looking at him.

I glanced at Edward to see he was smiling at me mischievously. I guess our game of taunting Emmett was over. I secretly hoped that he and Rosalie would hit it off well, and we could be rid of Royce.

Speaking of…

"Where's Royce?" I asked, furrowing my brow as I looked toward the still-open door. "And why are you here, anyway? I thought you were driving in tomorrow?"

I looked back just in time to catch a loaded glance between Rosalie and Jasper, and I inexplicably felt an icy pit form in my stomach when Rosalie whispered, "Thanks, Jazzy." Her thanks was sincere, and that made me worry.

"Rosalie? What's going on?" I demanded, frowning at her as I tried to make sense of this.

She glanced around at all of us as she muttered quietly, "I would've waited until tomorrow if I'd known…but I wanted to get it out of the way before the guys got here." She sighed but didn't say anything else.

"Get what out of the way?" I asked, hearing a whine creep into my voice as the icy pit grew.

Rose flashed a glance at the others and sighed, "Sorry…" as she took my hand and pulled me past everyone down the hallway to Jasper's room.

She closed the door and kicked off her shoes, muttering to herself as she paced back and forth with her head down. I waited for her to say something, but she didn't, and I walked slowly to the bed, sitting on the edge nervously.

Rosalie didn't act like this.

The door opened and Jasper entered quietly, coming to sit beside me on the bed. He took my hand as he turned to watch his twin and, for once, it made me feel more apprehensive rather than reassuring me.

Finally Rose stopped her pacing, steeling herself as she took a breath and squared her shoulders. She walked over and sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Jasper and I both turned and settled a little more comfortably, moving closer to her. Jazz silently handed me a pillow, and I wrapped my arms around it.

"Bella…" Rosalie began quietly. "I know I've been…distant…for awhile now. I just…" she trailed off, biting the inside of her cheek in the classic Hale maneuver. "I wanted to tell you in person, and I wasn't in the best place for awhile. I made Jazz promise not to say anything, but I wasn't sure he could keep it." She glanced at Jasper, and he quietly took her hand, his eyes forward and focused on nothing in particular.

I just stared at her. I couldn't force anything out as I waited.

"I'm moving to Seattle," she said, and for a moment, I was confused. This was bad news? "I was planning to come in the morning, but I finished packing earlier than I thought and decided to drive down tonight. I…I didn't want to stay there anymore."

I wanted to smile when I realized I'd be seeing her a lot more often, but neither of them had relaxed at all.

"Rosie…what's going on?" I asked again quietly, glancing back and forth between the two of them.

Rosalie gave a sad half-smile and held out her hand to me. I placed my hand in hers as I let the pillow fall and took Jasper's hand with my other. I looked down, idly remembering how often we'd held hands in a circle like this as children. I recognized the memory for what it was - my brain's attempt to deny the reality of what was happening now.

"Bells, Royce and I…broke up last summer." I looked up at her, frowning slightly as I listened. "He…god," she broke off, turning her eyes to the ceiling as she exhaled sharply. "During the last year or so, he started getting more…demanding. He expected me to do everything – take care of the house, wash his clothes, cook dinner, just…everything - and he got angry when I wouldn't. I mean, I have a fucking job too, you know?"

She stopped, glancing over at me. "He started to…" She shook her head, blinking. "Fuck, Bella," she began again, her voice stronger as she apparently decided to just get it all out. "It started with him pushing me, just shoving me toward the laundry basket or whatever. He was a fucking ass, and I let it go too long, thinking he was just stressed, and it would pass. But it didn't. It got worse. Then one day last June, we got in an argument over a fucking sandwich, and he hit me, and when I touched my lip, there was blood on my hand. I just snapped. I swung at him, and we fought, but he was just so damn strong…"

She trailed off as I felt my panic in a tight band around my chest.

So fucking strong. Blue eyes. Rage.

I blinked, willing my eyes open.

Not me.

Rosalie.

No. Not Rosalie.

Please not Rosalie.

"He tried to…" My wide eyes were trained on hers, and I saw concern there as she spoke. "He tried to force himself on me." Finally, she closed her eyes, and I recognized that fucking expression. I had seen it too many times in the mirror. Disgust. Self-loathing. Helplessness.

Not. Fucking. Rosalie.

Anger began to burn in my chest, and I squeezed her hand hard, making her open her eyes and look at me.

She kept her eyes locked to mine as she finally continued, "He said he'd show me 'my place,' and I was fucking scared, Bella. But I managed to knee him in the balls - I got away. I stood there kicking the shit out of him before I woke up and ran out of the house. A neighbor called the police for me." She rubbed my hand with her thumb just as Jasper did, and I glanced over to see him still staring ahead, not looking at either of us.

He'd fucking known.

And they hadn't told me.

Because I was weak.

I couldn't stand the rage that was now directly internally, so I channeled it to the one target who fucking deserved it.

"Where is he now?" I asked, surprised by how calm and low my voice sounded.

Jasper's eyes finally flickered to life, and he glanced at Rosalie before looking at me with concern. "Rosie's safe, Bella. It's alright. She's fine…"

"That's not what I fucking asked," my voice whispered menacingly.

"Bella, I'm okay. I've been in counseling, and he's going on trial, and –"

"I asked where the fuck he is now," I interrupted.

They exchanged another glance, and Jasper tugged on my hand, pulling me into his arms. I shoved him away from me and stood. I stalked out of Jasper's room, slamming the door before they could follow me. I was vaguely aware of Edward, Emmett, and Alice looking at me apprehensively as I sat on the couch and grabbed my shoes, shoving my feet inside, but I couldn't focus above the raging rant in my head, all centered on one thought.

How dare he fucking hurt Rosalie?

I'll kill the bastard.

I tied my shoes and pushed away from the couch, yanking my coat from the closet. I pulled it on as I snatched my keys from the kitchen counter and made my way to the front door. I heard a buzzing in my ears, and I knew they were voices, but I couldn't distinguish them over the roaring of my pulse.

I'll kill the bastard.

I had hugged the slimy prick. He had been in my apartment for Christmas last year. I had talked to him and laughed with him and even fed him. I had pictures of him in our photo albums.

I'll kill the bastard.

The front door banged against the wall as I slung it open, but before I could step through, something caught my arm. A strong hand wrapped around my wrist.

Falling. Breaking. Blue eyes. Hatred. Rage. Beating.

Instead of incapacitating me this time, my panic fueled my anger, and I swung as I turned. No one would fucking hurt me this time. I heard the sickening crunch as my fist collided with something hard, and the pain in my hand brought the apartment into sharp focus, dissipating the red fog of rage that had been clouding my vision.

I saw blood pouring over his fingers as his hand left my wrist and went to his nose. He took a step back instinctively as a low "Fuck!" escaped his lips.

"Oh my god, Edward! I'm so sorry!" Tears sprang to my eyes as I stepped toward him, sobered at once and horrified by what I'd done.

I had hit Edward.

"No, I'm sorry, Bella," he answered, his voice muffled through his hand. "That was stupid…" He trailed off as Alice appeared and handed him a dish towel. My concern for him eclipsed my anger, and I stepped toward him slowly as his form grew blurry through my tears. He took the towel and held it to his nose, but his eyes never left me, and his other hand reached out as if to stop me from walking out the door.

"I'm not leaving," I whispered. I stopped just a few inches away from him and reached toward the towel tentatively, though I don't know how I thought I could help. "I'm so sorry," I said again.

He winced as he rubbed his nose with the cloth before pulling it away to look. Blood continued to trickle from his nose, forcing him to put it back immediately. He raised his other hand and cupped my cheek, brushing at the tears along my cheekbone with his thumb as he said, "Please don't be upset…"

It was more than I could take, and a sob broke free. How could he be so fucking understanding all the time? He was so much more than I deserved. There he was, bleeding profusely because I was a fucking nutcase who couldn't tell him from an attacker, and he was worried about me. I just shook my head and cried, not knowing what else to do.

"Bella…" he breathed, and he kept his eyes on mine as he closed the distance between us slowly. He wrapped his free arm around my waist and pulled me to his chest.

I broke down.

I buried my face in his chest and cried, soaking his shirt. All of it just came out. My fear. My hatred. My self-disgust. My rage. My feelings of worthlessness. My frustration.

My love for the unbelievable man holding me.

I eventually became aware that one of his arms was wrapped around my waist while the other hand was rubbing up and down my back slowly as he made soothing sounds. A moment later, I heard my voice and realized I was speaking. I was saying the same two things over and over.

"I'm so fucking sorry."

"I hate this."

"Shh, Bella love, it's okay…I'm here…shh…you're safe…," Edward was speaking softly, reassuring me as best he could. When I finally took in what he was saying, I closed my mouth and worked to stifle my sobs. My shoulders still shook, and I drew a shuddering breath from time to time, but I finally managed to become calm there in Edward's arms.

When I'd been standing quietly for a few minutes and felt strong enough, I tried to push away to look up at Edward, but he kept his arms firmly around my waist. I raised my hands and rested them on his chest, tilting my face upward. He had dropped the towel to the floor, and his nose was no longer bleeding, but he looked like hell. I felt my face crumple again as I assessed the damage I'd done.

"Don't, Bella…please…" he whispered, raising his hand to cup my cheek gently. "I'm fine," he said softly, "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm sorry," I answered quietly, wishing I could take away his pain. "I…I never would have…" My chin trembled as I took a shaky breath.

"Shh, love, it's okay. I know you would never hurt me on purpose," he said just as softly, his thumb running along my lower lip as his eyes moved constantly, searching my face carefully. "It was stupid of me to grab you like that. I was just afraid you were going to leave and…I couldn't…I'm so sorry."

Why the fuck was he apologizing?

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked. "I'm the one who hit you…" I bit my bottom lip to keep it from quivering, and my hands fisted his button-down shirt.

"You wouldn't have hit me if I hadn't scared you," he explained. It was just so…ludicrous.

I shook my head, blinking several times as the conversation with him – asinine as it was – helped to engage my mind and wrench me out of the overwhelming emotions that threatened to drown me. Edward saw my face clear, and he offered me a small smile. I gave him one in return – weak though it was – and tried to focus on what needed to be done now.

As my ability to think returned, I realized what Edward had called me not once, but twice…love. I peered up into his eyes curiously, and I saw…affection…looking back at me. I didn't understand it. It made no sense to me. How could he not only see me in all my insanity but be on the receiving end of it and not be…worried? Not be ready to get the hell away from me?

Maybe…

Maybe what?

Maybe he really does…love…you…

For some reason, I felt the truth in that thought for the first time. Maybe it was the fact that he was standing here, holding me and soothing me, with blood from where I'd hit him dried over his lips and chin. Maybe it was the way his voice was a soft caress when he called me "love." Maybe it was the affection I could see so clearly in his eyes.

Or maybe it was just that I was finally tired of fighting so hard against the belief that Edward could care about me as I did him.

I was fucked up. I knew that. I had problems. It seemed so unbelievable – and, in truth, unfair – to me that someone like Edward would fall in love with someone like me. But…maybe he had.

I looked up at him again.

Not maybe.

He…had.

But he didn't know me. Not yet.

My eyes hadn't left Edward's this whole time, and I know he must have seen the conflicting emotions I felt raging inside. I was tired of being weak. I was tired of hiding. I was tired of excuses.

"I think we need to talk…" I said, my voice barely audible, even to me. But I said it.

Edward heard the unspoken significance of what I said, and his eyes widened. "Bella, you don't have to -" he began.

I cut him off. "Yes, I do…you need to know." I bit my bottom lip and took a deep breath. I lifted my right hand to his chin, gingerly rubbing along the blood dried there. "But first, let me take care of you…"

Edward's eyes softened at my words, and he smiled. "Whatever my Bella wishes…" he said quietly, and I returned his smile a little sadly. He finally released me and took a step back.

"Let's get you cleaned up." I bent over, picking up the bloodied towel before I nodded my head toward my room. Edward cast me one last concerned look before he turned and led the way. I followed him into my bedroom and saw the shirt I'd tried on and discarded hours ago draped over the end of my bed. It was a jarring reminder of how different this evening had become compared to how it began.

Edward stood in the middle of my room, unsure of what to do, so I walked into my bathroom, flipping on the light. It was odd being here with Edward, and that strange tension between us seemed to be building again, despite the conversation we both knew was coming. He waited until I was inside and had turned around to face him before he moved. As he walked into the bathroom, I noticed blood soaking the collar of his gray shirt and frowned.

"Damn," I said. "That could stain…here, let me see it."

Edward silently shrugged out of his over shirt and handed it to me. I felt my cheeks heat as he took it off, and I couldn't help but admire the way the muscles in his arms and chest flexed under his thin T-shirt as he moved. It was such a surreal feeling – noticing something so visceral while my mind was in emotional turmoil. I mechanically turned on the cold water and ran it over the collar of his shirt, rubbing gently to remove as much of the blood as I could. When I was finished, I set it to the side and reached into my cabinet for a wash cloth. I turned on the hot water and leaned against the counter, looking up at Edward as the water heated.

He was standing there quietly, watching me. I wanted to break the silence, but my mind was already working through what I needed to tell him. I could feel myself slipping into the same numbness that found me every time I had to tell this story.

And I had had to tell it a lot, in the beginning.

At first, it had been so hard to try to find the words, but then…after awhile, it became just…almost a speech I delivered, I guess. It was like I divided into two people, one speaking the words clearly while the other battled the memories in silence. I didn't really think about what, exactly, I said any more.

But I did relive it in my mind.

Every. Fucking. Time.

The reluctance to live through that nightmare again was one of the reasons I'd put off telling Edward. The other was harder…

I didn't want to see hatred and revulsion in his eyes when he realized what I already knew. It was my fault.

All of it.

I had stopped ever voicing this knowledge because every time I did, Jasper railed against me, telling me I'd done nothing wrong.

I knew the truth. And now Edward would know it too.

I noticed steam rising from the basin and turned on cold water as well, running my hand beneath the water until it was hot but not scalding. I wet the wash cloth and began cleaning Edward's face, working to remove blood from where it had dried in the scruff of his beard that had grown in the hours he'd been here. It had to be around midnight now.

I had done this for each of the guys over the years, usually after they fought with each other. It was different now, knowing I'd caused the damage.

It was different now, knowing I loved Edward.

He must have sensed my abstraction because he remained silent, standing there stoically as I cleaned up the mess I'd made of his face. This was my fault too. I was vaguely aware of the concern in his eyes, but I couldn't focus on it. I was so afraid of what I'd be seeing in its place all too soon.

I frowned in concentration as I gingerly cleaned just beneath his nose. I didn't want to hurt him more. As I wiped the dried blood from his lips, my fingers lingered there, and I felt a sudden urge to kiss him. Just one kiss…now, while he still didn't know what I really was. But I couldn't do that to him. I knew that, just now, he would want to kiss me. But he deserved to know who I was – all of it – first.

I refused to think about what I would do if he hated me afterwards. It was a possibility my mind shied away from.

"Okay," I said softly, "I think I'm done now." I turned off the hot water and let it run until it was nearly ice cold before I stopped up the sink and let the basin fill. I put his shirt and the wash cloth in to soak and then turned to walk into my bedroom.

I sat down on the corner of the bed and turned my face toward Edward. He was still standing in the bathroom, and I watched as he turned off the light and walked out. He stopped just in front of me and said quietly, "Let me see your hand."

In confusion, I held my hand out to him. He examined it carefully, gently manipulating each finger, bending it at the knuckles, pressing softly. When he was finished, he said, "I'll be right back," and left the room.

As I listened to noises from the kitchen, I crawled up on the bed, resting against my headboard, and pulled a pillow into my lap. My mind was in a quiet place – the numbing place from which I always told my story. I had once hoped that it would become a barrier, something that kept me from feeling the horror each time.

But it hadn't.

I didn't hope any more.

Edward returned silently, holding another hand towel and a small ice pack. "Here," he said softly, reaching for my hand. He sat beside me on the bed and gingerly tied the compress in place. He kissed the fingertips of my right hand before he placed it gently in my lap. He stared into my eyes for a long time and then tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.

"Bella, you don't have to do this," he whispered.

"I do," I answered simply.

He watched me for a moment longer before he sighed and nodded, looking down. "Do you want me to stay here…?" he asked, motioning to the bed.

I just nodded.

He took a slow, deep breath and held it before he exhaled as if he were steeling himself. Then he moved to the center of the bed, sitting to my left and facing me. He took my left hand in his, while my right was cradled in my lap with the ice pack.

He waited silently, his eyes on mine. I was aware of this, but I stared ahead, unable to look at him. I never could look at anyone while I was telling the story of what he had done.

My story.

"My parents divorced when I was nine…not long after I met Jasper," I began without preamble, my voice low. "I lived with my mom in Forks. We stayed there to be near my dad. But the summer I turned sixteen, she married my stepdad, Phil."

Edward's thumb began rubbing along my hand, but the gesture was lost on me. There was no comfort for me here in my numbing place.

"Phil was a baseball player for the Tacoma Rainiers when he met my mom," I could hear the deadness in my voice, but rather than trying to overcome it, I welcomed it. "He lost his position, and he was moving to Phoenix right after my sophomore year. He proposed to my mom and asked her to move with him. She agreed, and they had a small ceremony that summer. I wanted to stay in Forks, but I'd never lived away from her. After a lot of arguing, my dad finally talked me into going and trying it. He said I could come back any time if I hated it…"

I paused to take a breath. "Phoenix was so different from Forks. It was hot and dry, and I had no one there. I had never been away from my dad or Jasper or Rosalie…or the guys. I was miserable, but my mom wanted it to work, so I tried. We spent a lot of time together that summer. She took me shopping and bought me all new clothes, telling me it was a chance for me to reinvent myself."

I smiled as I turned to look in the mirror. The dressing room was small, and I could see my mom watching me in the mirror from her seat on the chair crammed into the corner. I was wearing a pretty little plaid skirt, pleated and short. My tank tops had spaghetti straps and were extremely thin despite being layered. On my feet were my first ever Mary Janes. I felt a strange mixture of apprehension and excitement as I realized I was attractive. My eyes met my mom's, and she said, "Definitely, Bella. You have to get that. All of it."

I blinked and through my numbness, I could feel tears stinging my eyes. That was always the weirdest part to me. I didn't really feel anything but…dead. And yet my body wept. Bizarre.

"I took my mom's advice, and when school started, I wore all my new skirts and tops. Everything seemed so revealing after the warmer clothes I'd worn in Washington. For the first time, I felt…sexy. Desirable."

I felt my heart pounding as I walked from the student parking lot to the school building. Forks High had been so tiny, and this sprawling monstrosity scared the hell out of me. There were chain link fences and metal detectors, and more teenagers swarmed the building than I had ever seen in any one place.

As I entered the front doors, I could hear the click-click-click of my heels on the tile, and the sound was so foreign to me. It made me feel like…a woman. I grew more confident as I entered the office, my head held high, and said in a strong voice, "I'm Bella Swan. Today's my first day…they said you'd have my schedule?"

A thumb stroked along the back of my hand gently.

"Everyone treated me differently too. I wasn't just that Bella girl with all the guy friends. People were interested in me. New people talked to me. I'd had only one boyfriend before – Garrett. He was great, but we'd really been so innocent. More friends than anything else. So I was flattered when guys started asking me out. I went on a few dates but nothing serious. I got a job at a flower shop, and I worked there most afternoons. In September, James came into the shop."

Through my numbness, I felt an echo of the stabbing fear that appeared whenever I said his name. It couldn't reach me here.

I was restocking that day, carrying boxes of ribbons and foam from the stockroom to the sales floor. I had nearly finished everything and was just grabbing the last few vases. The florist was in the back, working on arrangements, so when the bell rang signaling a customer, I took the armful of vases and hurried out front.

The toe of my Mary Janes caught on the end of the carpet where it met the linoleum. It was lifting and frayed, and I tripped on it at least once a day. This time, however, as I pitched forward, the vases went flying from my arms and crashed to the ground as I reached out to try to catch myself.

"Fuck!" I cursed, realizing in that split second that I was about to land on a bed of broken glass when a strong, sure hand caught my upper arm and pulled me around until I was looking into the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen.

His lips curled into a smile.

My heart was accelerating, and I mechanically took slow breaths to calm it, continuing my story as the memories played out in my mind.

"I tripped and nearly fell, but he caught me, and he stayed around afterwards, talking to me while I worked. He started showing up nearly every day. He was nineteen and in college, and I was flattered that he was interested in me. Before long, I was finding flowers and notes on my windshield when I got out of school, and soon, we kissed for the first time."

Fingers laced through mine, and I vaguely remembered that there was someone out there, listening. There was always someone listening.

I never faced these memories unless there was someone there making me.

My back was against the wall of the stockroom, and my breathing was heavy as he pressed his body against mine. Kissing him was wholly different than it had been with Garrett. I'd never felt as excited as I did with James. We had only a few minutes before the florist returned from dinner, and we were making the most of it.

James pulled away, and the look in his eyes was hungry and intense as he whispered lowly, "I need you, Bella."

"For once, my mom tried to be a parent and told me I couldn't see him. She said he was too old, and I should date a boy my own age. That just made me more determined, so we started sneaking around, meeting in out-of-the-way places so we wouldn't get caught."

I felt my teeth biting into my lip, but I didn't make myself stop.

"No one in Phoenix knew we were together. I had a few acquaintances, but James took over my life before any real friendships could develop. I didn't care. I had him and all the excitement that came from hiding our relationship."

We had it down to a science now. After dinner, I'd go to my room to work on homework, wait about half an hour, and then sneak out through my window. James picked me up two and a half blocks away, and we'd drive straight to the abandoned factory on the outskirts of town that had become one of our favorite places. It was one of the few that was far enough away that no one ever came here - including the kids who had interrupted us in some of our previous spots - while being close enough that we could be there in a few minutes.

The factory was three stories tall, and we'd explored it together on the weekends when we could come out during the daylight. Sometimes we'd walk around and talk. Our favorite place was on the third story, where the wide windows gave a fantastic view of the city lights.

Other times, we'd barely make it in the door.

It was just after sunset when we arrived, and James grabbed my hand, pulling me inside. It was always so dark, the only illumination the light pollution from the city that provided a soft glow that allowed us to see each other faintly after our eyes adjusted. Immediately, my back was against the wall, my body molding to his. His hand snaked up my side, fondling my breast as he moaned into my mouth.

Even in my numbing place, I fought the memories, pushing them away. No. Not again.

The soothing thumb was back as pressure was applied to my hand – someone squeezing it. Oh.

I'd stopped speaking.

"Everything was great for about a month until I told him I was going to Forks for Halloween. He knew about Jasper and the guys, and he got pissed off. It was the first time I'd ever seen him that way, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose him, but I wasn't about to not go home."

"Are you fucking them?" he hissed. I could see his jaw clench in the glow of the lights of Phoenix.

"What?" I asked, dumbfounded. I was a virgin. He knew that.

"You heard me," he said coldly. "Are. You. Fucking. Them? 'Cause I know you sure as hell aren't fucking me."

I was stunned as I stood there watching him, trying to make sense of what he was saying.

"We argued, but he calmed down, and he seemed to get over it. He apologized, but as the trip got closer, he became more distant. We talked less and made out more. He got more aggressive, and he started pushing me to go further even though I told him I wasn't ready. He told me he was scared to lose me, that I was everything to him. He begged me not to go."

I felt his hand moving up my thigh beneath my skirt as we kissed. His lips moved away from mine, trailing down my neck as my fingers tangled in his hair.

"You are so beautiful, Bella," he breathed against my skin. His fingers reached my hip, brushing back and forth beneath the edge of my panties. My breath caught as he nibbled my earlobe. "I have to touch you…please, baby…don't you love me?"

I felt tears dripping from my jaw as the thumb rubbed my hand more forcefully.

"My mom and dad worked out the details of my trip, and they told me I could take a week off from school at the end of October. I flew up to Washington the Saturday before Halloween, and Jasper came with my dad to pick me up at the airport. We stayed up talking when he spent the night at my house that night. He knew all about James, and he was worried. He tried to convince me to break up with him when I got home, but I told him he didn't know James. He said he just didn't like the sound of it. I even wondered if he might be jealous."

"Bells, at least tell Renee about him…please," Jasper said softly. We were sitting on the couch facing each other, and his eyes were earnest as he spoke.

"Why?" I frowned.

"I just…I dunno, Bells. I have a bad feeling about him," he answered bluntly, shrugging. "Just all the sneaking around and shit. It seems like if he cared, he'd try to talk to your mom instead of hiding, you know?"

My anger flared, and I snapped, "You know if I tell my mom, she'll pitch a fucking fit, and I won't be able to see him anymore. Are you trying to get me in trouble?"

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Of course not, silly girl. I just worry about you." He took my hand.

"We talked for a long time and never got anywhere, but I finally told him I'd at least think about telling my mom. We spent the rest of the week just having fun with Jessica and Rosalie and the guys. We went to parties and hung out and played, and it felt just like it always had. It felt good. We didn't talk about James again, but I missed him. Part of me couldn't wait to get back to Phoenix. I was worried about him being alone."

The comforting fingers left my hand as I felt movement, and the coldness lifted away from my right hand. The fingers returned, weaving between mine.

"When I got back, he was still distant, and he became more erratic. He had wild mood swings, and sometimes he scared me. He would go for days without talking to me and then suddenly show up at my window, begging me to come out with him. I always went, and it seemed like the more distant he became and the worse he treated me, the tighter I held on. Sometimes he was so sweet and thoughtful, and it was those times that kept me going. I thought he was just under too much stress - maybe the sneaking around was getting to him. I told him that I was thinking about coming clean with my mom."

"James, I think I should tell my mom about us," I said breathlessly in between kisses. We hardly ever talked any more, and it was hard to get a word in edgewise.

He immediately pulled away and grabbed my upper arms, glaring at me as he shook me lightly. "Are you fucking trying to get me killed?" he said.

"What?" I asked stupidly.

"You want to tell your mom," he hissed slowly, each word distinct, "that you have been sneaking out to meet me for months. And you think she won't have a problem with that? She'll cut my fucking balls off. Is that what you want?"

"He convinced me that that was a bad idea, and we kept meeting in secret for weeks. It seemed like we were always either fighting or fooling around with nothing in between. He…"

My voice broke, and for a moment despair crept into my numbing place. I quickly shored up the chinks in my armor before too much feeling could wash in.

"James was angry all the time, and I could feel tension just coming off of him. Sometimes the way he looked at me scared the hell out of me, but by that point, I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. I had no friends in Phoenix, and things were even strained between Jasper and me. He was upset that I wouldn't tell my mom, and he'd threatened to tell her for me. We weren't speaking a lot. I didn't tell him about the changes in James because I knew he'd call Renee then. It was stupid, but I felt like I'd made the choice to be with James, and I had to see it out. I was too fucking proud."

The gentle caresses of the person's thumb stopped, but the hand still held mine.

My voice lowered to just above a whisper as I continued. It always became harder to force the words out here. "It was a couple of weeks before Christmas break. We were at the factory, and James was being more demanding than usual. I was sick and had a fever, and I didn't feel like doing anything. I just wanted to talk. He had other plans. He kept kissing me and pawing at me, and I finally shoved him away. He…"

I swallowed, feeling my eyes close although the images in my mind didn't change at all, and the fingers squeezed mine again.

"He…hit me."

"God, can't you just fucking talk to me? I don't feel like doing this tonight," I said, shoving on his shoulders when he refused to leave me alone.

My head snapped back as the back of his hand struck my cheek.

"Don't you dare shove me, you fucking bitch!" he growled.

I heard a sob and realized it was coming from me. Instantly, he was contrite, stepping close to me and trying to wrap his arms around me.

"Oh, Bella…I'm so sorry, baby," he cooed, ignoring my attempts to get away from him as I squirmed with my hand to my cheek. I was embarrassed that I was crying, and I felt so helpless.

The comforting fingers disentangled from mine.

"I made him take me home, and he apologized the whole way. I didn't speak to him for days, but I found flowers and little gifts everywhere I went. I finally started talking to him again. He kept telling me how much he loved me, how sorry he was…he said he couldn't live without me."

"Please, Bella…I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you," he said quietly. We were in the stockroom at the shop where it all began. He was standing close to me, but his hands were at his sides. His eyes were agonized, and I felt so sorry for him.

"How, James? You hit me. How do you make up for that?" I tried to sound stronger than I felt.

"Baby, I was just in a bad place. I didn't mean it. You know I'd never hurt you…" he grew quiet and looked at me pleadingly.

"He had actually been very sweet for a couple of weeks, and we'd been spending more time talking at the factory. I thought maybe we were past all of it. He seemed so much more like the James I met in September. Finally, he asked me to come out with him the next night…he said he had a surprise for me. I told him I'd go."

"You make me so happy, baby," James whispered into my ear as his hands ran slowly up and down my back. His lips brushed lightly along my cheek, making me smile.

"You make me happy too," I murmured, kissing him chastely. A small voice inside called me a liar. I ignored it.

He pulled me closer, deepening the kiss with a playful growl. As he broke away, he looked into my eyes, and I could see the blue of his in the dim glow. "Will you come out with me tomorrow night? I have a surprise for you…"

I pressed my forehead against his and smiled, closing my eyes. "Of course I will…"

My hand was enveloped in two warm hands that ran thumbs along my knuckles.

"I took awhile longer to get dressed that night. I put on his favorite skirt and a shirt I knew he liked, and I spent extra time on my hair and make-up."

I felt my fingers tremble, and the soothing caresses returned.

I was humming as I smiled at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a black plaid miniskirt that didn't quite reach mid-thigh. I admired the way my red shirt molded to my body, exposing the curves I knew James appreciated. Sitting on the bed, I pulled on my thin white ankle socks before putting on my black Mary Janes.

I stood again, smoothing my skirt as I gave myself a final glance. I looked damn good.

I checked the time on my cell phone and then left it on my desk. There was nowhere to carry it in this skirt.

Deftly, I slipped out of my window and dropped silently to the ground.

"We were quiet as he drove out of town, but he glanced over at me and smiled a lot. He kept thanking me for going with him. He seemed excited about whatever my surprise was, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like we were a couple. I hadn't realized how…used…I'd been feeling."

Something squeezed my hand.

"When we got there, he led me to the third floor where we always talked, and there were blankets spread on the floor. We sat down and talked for awhile, and then he kissed me. At first, it was fine, but then he started pushing me further. He was pawing at me, grabbing me all over, and I was so frustrated that he was back to that."

I was somehow lying on my back, and I couldn't breathe. He was halfway on top of me, kissing me so hard my teeth hurt. One of his hands was roughly grabbing my breast while the other moved up my thigh. I worked one of my hands free and pushed the hand on my thigh away, but it was back immediately. I tried again, and again it came back.

Finally, I used both hands to shove at James' chest and sat up, gasping for breath. "Fucking hell, James!" I tried to shout, but it came out sounding weak and breathless. " I thought you had a surprise for me."

"This is your surprise. I thought you'd want this too." I saw the flash of surprised anger in his eyes. He somehow actually believed what he was saying.

I stared at him in disbelief for a moment before I finally found words. "You thought it would be a nice surprise – for me – to…what, exactly? Fuck you on the floor of a nasty warehouse?"

His eyes narrowed. "You know, you have a dirty mouth to be playing little Miss Innocent. I know you're not a fucking virgin. It's time to stop being such a goddamn tease."

The fingers wrapped around mine weren't comforting any more. They were gripping so tightly they hurt.

"I stood up and demanded he take me home. He told me he wasn't taking me home unless I slept with him, and for the first time, I was really afraid of him. I tried to leave, but he caught me."

His strong fingers wrapped around my wrist as I tried to walk away. "I'm not letting you leave here without fucking me," he said, and I was startled by the menace in his eyes. I realized that even though I'd seen flashes of this in him, I had never let myself really see it, really believe it was there.

I believed now.

And I was suddenly fucking terrified. My heart stuttered as my breathing turned to panting. I pulled with all my strength and staggered away when my wrist broke free. One of my heels caught on the corner of the blanket, and I tripped, falling flat on my face.

I heard his voice above me say, "Don't make this hard on yourself, Bella. I know you want me too. No one's here to see you do what I know you want to do."

"I don't want to," I said, and I realized to my disgust that my voice sounded like a whimper.

"Of course you do, baby," he said, and his voice turned the term of endearment into a sneer. The metallic clinking of his belt buckle made me stagger to my feet, and I began to run blindly.

Suddenly my hand felt empty as the fingers left it completely. In my numbing place, I realized absently that my cheeks were soaked and the front of my shirt felt wet. I wasn't aware that I was moving until I felt both my arms wrap around my legs, curling up into a ball.

"I tripped and fell, and he kept telling me he knew I wanted him too. I heard him unbuckle his belt, and I couldn't think any more. I just ran. He liked chasing me. I think it excited him. He stayed right behind me, and he could have grabbed me any time, but he didn't."

I could hear his footsteps just behind me, but he didn't seem to be running as hard as I was. He was faster than me. In terror, I kept waiting for him to grab me, but he didn't. I fought the urge to look over my shoulder, afraid I'd trip and he'd be on me.

I reached the stairwell before I expected it and grabbed the rail to try to keep myself from falling. The heel of my shoe caught on the edge of the step and for just a moment, I thought the hand on my back was grabbing my shirt to save me.

He pushed.

I felt my hands forming fists against my shins.

"When I got to the stairs, I nearly fell. I thought for a minute James was trying to save me. But he didn't. He pushed me down the stairs, and I tumbled almost all the way to the bottom."

I bounced and slid and rolled nearly to the bottom of the steps, and I groaned as I tried to move. I half-expected to hear James asking if I was okay.

Suddenly, a hand yanked my hair, pulling my head up, and I opened my eyes. He was there, his face an angry mask. His lips were moving, but I couldn't tell what he was saying in my stupor. Finally, I heard him hissing, "Fucking cocktease…little slut…think you're better than me…won't fucking get away this time…nasty goddamn whore…"

His words were disjointed, but each one chilled me. I cried pitifully, hearing the whine in my voice. I could tell I had broken some ribs, and the sharp edges of the metal steps were digging painfully into my back.

"I tried to make myself move, but I couldn't. I hurt so badly, and then his weight was on me. He grabbed hold of my hair, and he was saying so many awful things. He called me names, saying I was a whore, and he kept telling me it was my fault. If I hadn't teased him and turned him away, he wouldn't have to do what he was doing."

I heard myself sniffle, and it distracted me momentarily. My face crumpled, and I bit my bottom lip, willing myself to go numb again.

"He…" I always stalled at this point. Always. "He hit me a few times. My head kept hitting the stairs, and it nearly knocked me out. I was just lying there, and I couldn't even make myself fight back. My arms felt detached from my body. He moved, and I felt him push his pants down before I heard something tear. It was a condom wrapper, they told me later. He tore my underwear away and said he'd find out if I was really a virgin or not."

Rough hands ripped my panties away, and I felt the fabric dig into my hips before it tore. I felt abject terror, and my mind began to blank. His eyes horrified me, forcing me to look away. When I turned my head to the side, my gaze fell upon one of my shoes sitting on the step below me. I focused on it, trying like hell to ignore what was happening to me as I studied it in minute detail.

One of his hands held both my wrists, pinning my arms above my head against the stairs. I felt the bones of my wrists grinding against each other from the pressure. His weight shifted as he tried to settle between my legs, and I pressed my knees together, shaking my head and trying to free myself.

It was useless.

He shoved one of his knees between mine, and I cried out in pain. He forced himself between my legs, muttering darkly while I tried not to hear. Bits and pieces still floated into my mind. Over and over and over again, I was hearing the same thing though in different words.

This is your fault. Slut. This is your fault. Whore. This is your fault.

His voice came through clearly when he growled, "Now I'll fucking see if you're a virgin or not."

He pierced into me roughly, and I felt ripping and tearing all through my body. I screamed.

"He raped me. I don't know how long it lasted. I blacked out for part of it, I think. I came to when he slapped me, but I didn't even look at him. I just kept staring ahead. He fingers dug into my cheeks. He turned my face to his, and I closed my eyes, but he told me I'd better open them. When I finally looked at him, he told me that if anyone found out it was him, he wouldn't go after me. He'd make sure it was my mom next time."

I felt my teeth biting into my bottom lip, and my shoulders shook. Was I sobbing?

"You're going to keep your pretty little mouth shut because if anyone – and I mean fucking anyone – even hints that I touched you, it'll be your cunt of a mother that pays. And I won't go easy on her like I did you."

His weight left me as he stood. I could feel slick wetness on my back as the pressure lifted, allowing my blood to flow. I was unaware of what was happening for a few moments, and then his hand was suddenly in my hair again.

"You wanted to leave – right, slut? Here, let me help you," his voice was calm and cold now.

He lifted me by my hair, and I tried to scream, but no sound came out. He shoved with all his might, and I felt myself start to fall down the second flight of stairs. I heard a sickening crunch and felt a sharp pain in my leg just before my head crashed into the wall and everything went mercifully black.

"He threw me down the second flight of stairs, and I don't really remember much else until I woke up in the hospital. My mom had gotten worried when I didn't come out of my room the next morning, and she went to check on me. She called my dad when she couldn't find me, and he got the police involved. They showed my picture around and got lucky. Some kid said he'd seen me before and pointed in the direction of the old factory. They thought I was dead at first."

I didn't know how long I'd been lying there. I was never really coherent, but I could occasionally think. I hated it when I could think because then the terror came. I kept expecting to hear his voice, feel his hands. I worried that he'd gone after my mother. I felt horrific pain all over my body, and then the blackness would come again.

"I had a broken leg, four broken ribs, and cuts and bruises all over my body. The worst cuts were lacerations on my back from the stairs. I lost a lot of blood, and they kept me in the hospital for a long time. I wouldn't speak. Jasper and his mom came down when they heard what happened. He asked me if it was James, but I couldn't even look at him. When he didn't get an answer, he told the police everything he knew about James, and they started a search. They finally picked him up at the Mexican border."

Though I was still numb, I could feel myself calming slightly. I heard my voice strengthen. From here, it was just facts. Facts I could handle – it was the memories that got me.

"It turned out that I wasn't the only one James had raped. Three other girls came forward, though mine was the most violent. The others had had injuries they could hide. They were too embarrassed and scared to tell anyone. I wonder sometimes if I would have told anyone if Jasper hadn't done it for me."

I was aware for the first time that I was breathing, and it felt like I'd been holding my breath for quite some time. My hands were clenched in fists, so I worked to relax them.

"The whole time I was in the hospital and even afterwards, I didn't talk to anyone. I wouldn't answer questions. I didn't even talk to Jasper. I was too embarrassed to look at him. He stayed by my bed as often as they would let him until he had to go back to Forks. I still hadn't spoken when he left. He just sat there, day after day, holding my hand and trying to get me to talk. I couldn't. I wasn't even really there."

I slowly became aware of my surroundings. I was in my bedroom, sitting on my bed. I still didn't really see anything.

"After he left, my room was too quiet. Suddenly, I wanted to talk to someone, but I just…I couldn't face Jasper. I was so ashamed of myself. If I'd listened to him, none of it would have happened. So I called Jessica instead."

I sighed softly, and with the sound, I became aware of someone else on the bed with me. Edward. I couldn't look at him. Not yet.

"Jessica, Jasper, and I had been inseparable for years, and she was always easy for me to talk to. Normally I chose Jasper, but there were some things I went to Jessica for. She was a little surprised to hear from me. Jasper had told her what happened and that I wasn't speaking. She asked me what really happened to me, and it just came pouring out…all of it. Even my fears that what he said was true – it was my fault."

My eyes tightened before I closed them, resting my chin on my knees. This memory cut me to the core, but it didn't haunt me the way my others did.

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. "Jess?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah?" she answered a little curtly.

"Why are you so quiet?"

"Because, Bella…I think you're right," she said.

I was frozen for a moment. Even though I had worried it was true, I hadn't really believed it. Not until she said it. "What?"

"Maybe you're right. Maybe it is your fault," she said with acid in her tone.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"God, Bella, I've seen you lead Jasper on for years. You walk around dressed in practically nothing and throw yourself at him, and then do…what? Not a damn thing. You're always touching him and teasing him. If you were doing the same thing to James, it's no wonder he fucking snapped. Not everyone is as patient as Jasper."

I heard her voice call, "Bella?" as I disconnected the line.

"Calling Jessica was one of the worst things I've ever done. She told me it was true – it was my fault. She said I'd been leading Jasper on for years, and that it was no wonder James snapped."

I heard a hiss from my left, but I still couldn't look at Edward. I shook my head, eager now to be done with all of this.

"They made me start therapy before they'd let me out of the hospital. The first few months were the worst. Everything I saw reminded me of James, and I had panic attacks constantly. When summer came around, I moved back to Forks, and things started to get a little better. I tried to stop therapy for awhile, but Jasper talked me into it again. I had to go back to Phoenix for James' trial, and that sort of started everything over again. My senior year of high school was rough. Jessica and her new friend Lauren were merciless, but in some ways, dealing with their torment helped keep my focus away from my memories. I just…existed. I got up. I went to school. I ate. I slept. But time passed, and I started getting better. After we graduated, Jasper and I were both going to U Dub, and he asked me if I would move in with him."

I stretched my legs out in front of me and leaned back against the headboard. Folding my hands in my lap, I stared at my fingers as I spoke.

"After a couple of years, things were pretty okay. I had nightmares a lot, but I was having way fewer panic attacks. I stopped therapy, which pissed Jasper off, but it had stopped doing anything for me. I wasn't making any more progress, but at least I wasn't regressing. I…umm…I've had a harder time lately, and I've had more episodes in the last few months than I've had in the last few years because…well, because there's a lot of…shit I just haven't dealt with."

I was suddenly struck by how utterly silent and still Edward was. It seemed…odd. He wasn't holding my hand. That wasn't like him. I slowly raised my eyes, worried about what I would see when I found him.

He was staring at me with his hands in fists against his knees. His jaw was clenched, and his nostrils flared.

I gasped when my eyes met his. It was there. All of it.

Anger. Hate. Revulsion. Disgust.

Tears filled my eyes, though I would've thought I didn't have any left. A sob wracked my body, and I hurled myself from my bed, looking for the nearest escape. I staggered into my bathroom and slammed the door, dropping to the floor with my back against it.

Not Edward too. God, please not Edward too.

I couldn't stand to see hate for me in his eyes.

I pulled my legs to my chest and buried my face in my knees, fully aware of my pain for the first time tonight. It was just like with Jessica…I hadn't fully believed it until it had been shown to me by someone I loved.

"Bella?" Edward's voice called softly from the other side of the door.

"Go -" my voice choked off as I tried to tell him to go away. I couldn't take him looking at me like that.

The handle turned and the door bumped against my back gently. "Bella, let me in." His voice held a hint of desperation I didn't understand.

I took a shuddering breath and managed to croak out, "Go away, Edward!"

His voice was gentle and at odds with his words as he said, "I don't fucking think so, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. Please let me in."

"Why?" I cried. "Just go away …"

"Bella, I have to tell you something, and I really don't want to do it through the door. Please, love…please let me in." He sounded agonized now, his voice growing softer. I heard something thump lightly against the door above my head.

My ears picked up that one word…"love." I felt my heart tear as I thought of losing Edward, and I couldn't stand it. I couldn't just let him walk away. I shifted away from the door, half-terrified and half-hopeful of what I would see when he came in.

I moved so my back was to the cabinets, but I kept my eyes on the floor. The door pushed open slowly, and I saw Edward's sock-covered feet in my peripheral vision. My chin quivered as my face contorted, and I tried not to cry.

Edward moved slowly until he was in front of me, and then he sat down on the floor as well, his back to the tub and his legs spread out on either side of me. He took my hands in his, and I noticed that both our hands were trembling.

"Bella…look at me please," he asked tenderly.

I closed my eyes tightly and kept them that way for a long moment, steeling myself in my self-imposed darkness. I raised my chin and slowly opened my eyes.

His soft green eyes were looking back at me, and there was no hint of the anger or hatred. They were rimmed with red and filled with tears, and I saw love shining in them. Edward's love for me.

He gazed into my eyes for a long moment before he finally began to speak, his voice just above a whisper. "I can only imagine the horrors you've seen, and I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through that. I am so proud of you for being able to tell me your story, and I am so fucking humbled that you trust me and want to try again for me. Bella, there's no excuse for how long it's taken me to tell you this, but I am so completely in love with you. Nothing you tell me could ever drive me away from you, and I'm so sorry for making you think you had."

My tears began to fall again as I absorbed what Edward said. One of his hands left mine, and he gently brushed away the tears from my cheek. "Please, love…please don't cry…"

I sobbed as he called me "love" again, and suddenly I couldn't be in his arms fast enough. I shifted, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his neck. The fragrance of sandalwood washed over me as his strong arms encircled me, and I felt myself relax. We held each other for a long time with Edward occasionally kissing the top of my head.

Finally, I felt strong enough and raised my head as I whispered, "Look at me, Edward…"

He turned his face toward mine, and he was so close. Close enough to kiss. I was an emotional wreck tonight, though, and I didn't want to push myself too far. So I slowly lifted, pressing my lips tenderly to his cheek as I inhaled his calming scent.

I pulled away again, wanting to look into his eyes as I told him what I needed to say. As he turned his green eyes to me, I said softly, "I love you, Edward."

I watched his smile grow on his face until he was beaming. "I love you too, Bella," he answered, and the ache in my cheeks let me know my smile matched his.

We sat that way for the longest time, staring at each other on the floor of my bathroom. His fingers gently traced the lines and curves of my face as mine did the same to his. I marveled at Edward's admission, and I realized that somehow, I'd known it all along. I had just been so afraid…and I think he had as well. But I was tired of fear. I was tired of hiding.

It was time for me to let go of all the shit in my life and be happy.

I smiled at that thought, and Edward smiled in response before he shifted a bit and winced. "Ready to get up off this floor?" he asked with my favorite crooked grin in place.

I nodded and stood, holding out my hand to him. He took it and quietly stood, then pulled me to him, holding me closely for a moment. He breathed, "God, I love you," before his arms relaxed.

My cheeks heated as I whispered my own declaration into his chest. I stepped to the side automatically, and Edward walked into my bedroom first. For the first time ever, I was truly annoyed with myself for insisting people walk in front of me.

As my mind began to clear from the emotional cesspool it had been for the last…however long, I finally started wondering what was going on in the world around me.

"Where are Jasper and the rest of them?" I asked, noticing my voice was raw.

Edward walked over to my recliner and sat down, opening his arms to me. I smiled quietly and walked over, sitting in his lap. He cradled me against his chest, my head resting on his shoulder. "They…left…when we came in here to talk. I heard them trying to talk Jasper into getting something to eat." His voice was strained as he answered.

"Jasper didn't want to leave."

"Ahh…no. No, not really." Edward left it at that, but I knew. Jasper had been pissed off and worried, and he didn't want to leave me alone with Edward. I hated that Edward had to hear that, but I understood. Jasper didn't know how to let me go. He'd never had to.

I'd never wanted him to.

I sighed softly, and it turned into a yawn. I hadn't realized I was so fucking exhausted until I was sitting here…safe in Edward's arms.

"Tired, sweetheart?" he asked, and I could hear the fatigue in his voice as well. I nodded lazily against his chest. "Why don't you go to bed? Do you think you can sleep?"

My hands knotted reflexively in his shirt as I realized I didn't want him to leave. "I don't want you to go," I told him.

His lips lightly brushed the top of my head as he answered, "I'll stay right here…I promise. But you should go lie down. You need some rest."

I raised my head to look up at him. "You need rest too. Will you…hold me?" I asked, surprised with how easily the words came out. I didn't have as much trouble admitting I needed him anymore.

Edward's eyes widened. "Are you sure, Bella? I can stay here. I promise I won't leave you."

I smiled as I gently traced his lower lip with my thumb. "I'm sure, Edward…I…" I bit my bottom lip and then added quietly, "I feel safe with you."

He watched me for a long moment, studying my face closely before he gave a soft smile. "Oh, Bella…" he breathed, wrapping me tightly in his arms. He stood up, carrying me with him as he walked to the bed and set me down carefully.

"I think could use some water…do you want anything?" he said, leaning over to my nightstand to pick up something. I recognized the hand towel and ice pack he'd given me earlier and realized he must have taken it off my hand at some point. The sight made me melt a bit at the care he'd taken with me.

I answered, "Water sounds perfect," with a smile.

He grinned in return and told me he'd be right back. Once he stepped out of my door, I went down the hallway to Jasper's room, digging through his dresser. I pulled out a pair of plaid flannel pants and went back to my room to grab my own pajamas. I had just retrieved them from my nightstand drawer when Edward returned with two glasses of water. I glanced over at him and smiled as I nodded toward the pants on the bed.

"Those are for you…I thought they might be more comfortable," I told him. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom to change, and you can change in here…if that's okay?"

Edward smiled and said simply, "Sounds good to me."

I changed quickly and listened at the door, trying to make sure Edward had enough time to do whatever he needed to do. After waiting a few minutes, I opened the door and peeked out to find Edward leaning against my headboard already under the covers, sipping his water. He looked so good there…so natural and right. I came out to join him, realizing as I walked that for the first time in seven years, I had told my story and not spent the next several days miserable. I felt…happy. Really happy, actually.

Edward loved me. And I loved him.

We drank our water and talked for a little while about nothing in particular, just relaxing and getting ready to sleep. Edward gave a jaw-cracking yawn, and I giggled at him. He smiled over at me lazily and slid down lower on the bed, lying on his back as he stretched out his arm. Jasper had held me like this countless times over the years, but Edward felt different. His chest was thicker, and he held me tighter, bringing me closer to his side. I rested my head on his chest, my hand on his shoulder, as he reached over and turned off the lamp.

"Good night, Edward," I whispered in the darkness, inhaling deeply to take in that soothing fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla and...Edward.

"Sweet dreams, my Bella," came his soft reply.

All was silent for awhile, and I felt myself drifting off to sleep. I idly wondered if I should be surprised that I was so relaxed, but I felt too fucking good to care. Just as I reached the edge of consciousness, I thought Edward murmured something more, but I was too far gone to hear.