A/N: If you chose not to read BPOV of "Helplessness and Hope," you may want to go back and read at least the beginning until you get through Rosalie's story. It explains a bit of background that you'll need for this chapter.
I don't own anything you recognize.
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JPOV
I was sprawled out on the loveseat, quietly singing along with Bella while I watched Alice play the drums. I loved the way she played with her whole body – arms flying while she bounced in her seat to play the bass. The look on her face was a mixture of intense concentration and absolute pleasure as her silver eyes were wide and her lips were pursed.
What a tempting sight.
I thought ahead. I'm not nearly as stupid as I look. One of the best things about going to pick her up tonight was that I'd have to take her home later. And I couldn't wait to take her home.
Life had been pretty stressful lately, but Alice had a way of making me forget all about that. I just wanted to be alone with her, to feel her pressing against me, to taste her as we kissed, to lose myself in her.
I was beginning to get lost in my fantasies instead, but Emmett's low voice taunting, "Eyes on the screen, Cullen," pulled my gaze away from her, and I glanced over at Edward. He kept looking back and forth between the screen and Bella, and it was making him mess up all over the place. It was pretty funny actually, even though I wasn't quite sure how I felt about the way he was staring at her. I had to shake my head and laugh, though, when Bella started bouncing around and dancing. Edward's eyes were huge, and he looked away in a hurry.
I was still getting used to the idea of Bella with a boyfriend. He was a good guy, I knew that. Probably even a great guy, honestly, to be able to handle all of the things that came with loving Bella. God knows I knew how hard that was, and I'd had years of history and love and friendship with her to build on before it all happened.
So I was trying. Alice trusted him. I'd seen for myself that he cared about her, all of her. He was trying with me too. I knew he was ridiculously jealous, though there was no reason to be.
Okay, so that's not true. Maybe it was fairer to say there was no romantic reason to be jealous. If I was being objective, I knew I wouldn't really be completely comfortable with someone being as close to Alice as I was to Bella. But what the hell were we supposed to do?
Before my thoughts could travel any further in that direction, the song ended, and Bella came skipping over to the loveseat to give me the microphone. The look of absolute elation on her face brought a huge smile to mine. It had been years since I'd seen my best friend this happy – and that meant I'd do whatever it took to make things okay with me and Edward.
If he ever fucking hurts her…
My inner voice didn't even finish the threat. We all knew what would happen if I ever thought he even could hurt Bella. It wasn't worth dwelling on.
Bella threw herself on the couch and rested her head on one of the arms so she could see around everyone to the TV screen. She grinned at me as I stood and made my way forward. As I passed by Alice, her arm swung out and "accidentally" hit me. She ran the back of her hand along my crotch, making me bite the inside of my cheek even as my eyes automatically scanned the room. No one was paying any attention to us, so I stopped for a moment and looked down at her hand lingering there.
"Oops," she said with an impish grin as she playfully bit her bottom lip and gazed up at me. "Sorry…"
I glanced at the clock on the mantle and saw it wasn't even quite midnight yet. I was having a lot of fun with everyone, but damn it…I was hitting the point where I really just wanted to get Alice alone and let her have her way with me.
When I looked back down at her, she was smiling up at me as if she knew what I was thinking. I leaned down and kissed her lightly, whispering, "Soon enough…" as I stood and winked before I walked over to the TV.
I looked around the room while I was waiting for Emmett to choose our next song, and I was shocked at what I saw. Edward was standing with his back mostly to Bella while her eyes roamed slowly and deliberately all the way down his body and back up again, and the look on her face could only be described as…desire.
Oh my god. She wants him.
Yeah.
No, I mean…she wants him.
Umm…yes. Where the fuck have you been?
Where the fuck had I been? I mean…I knew Bella was interested in Edward, obviously. But I guess I never actually considered her being interested in him in that way. In truth, I had never seen Bella look at anyone that way. Ever. She and Garrett had been cute together in high school, but they were both so innocent, and she'd moved right afterward.
Of course since then, she hadn't been interested in anyone in any way. I don't know how it hadn't occurred to me before that I had never seen desire on Bella's face. It was such a depressing thought that I glanced back over to get another look at it now. I had to smile at the brightness of her eyes, the absolute wonder I saw shining in them as she watched Edward. It was all so new to her, and I wanted so badly for it all to work. I felt my eyes begin to sting, and I turned gratefully to the TV when I heard the beginning of "Chop Suey" play.
Edward and Emmett immediately started taunting each other again. I had to admit…it was sort of a relief to see Edward with another friend of his. I guess it was just reassuring to know that he really was being himself. Emmett didn't seem like the type that would let him get away with anything, especially not pretending to be something he wasn't. Emmett gave him shit constantly, and I'd actually felt compelled to defend Edward a few times. It was weird, but I guess it was as good a place to start as any. It was at least making both my best friend and my girlfriend happy. Alice beamed at me each time I stuck up for him.
I ignored their shit-talking and focused on the song, losing myself in screaming the lyrics. Tonight really had been fun as hell, and I knew it wasn't just the margaritas talking. It was getting close to midnight, and we'd stopped drinking a couple of hours ago, instead just hanging out and playing the game as we got to know each other a little better. The volume of the song was causing my thoughts to become disjointed, so I just stopped thinking, enjoying a few moments of blessed relief from the ridiculous amount of thinking I'd had to do the past six months or so. I knew it would all explode when Rosalie arrived tomorrow, and I'd decided to spend the remaining hours blissfully ignoring it all.
My bliss lasted all of a minute or so before it came crashing down with the sound of keys in the lock of our front door. At first, I was confused. Then I heard my twin's voice call out, "Jasper? Bella? What the fuck does it take to get you to answer the door?"
It didn't even occur to me that my few remaining hours of peace were ending early. I was just happy that she was here, so I dropped my microphone, squealed with Bella, and went tearing off down the hall. Right about the time I was spinning around with Rosie, my mind caught up with everything happening around me.
Fuck.
I felt a bit of relief when I put Rosalie down and she bitched about me man-handling her. Bella swooped in to hug her, and she looked over Bella's shoulder to give me a small smile. I took the time to study her face as they hugged tightly and felt myself relax as I realized that she still looked good. Thank god.
It had been so hard to leave her on her own so much the last few months, and I knew that her arrival was going to trigger some serious conversations I would much rather avoid. But, perhaps perversely, I was actually glad that all this shit was going to be out in the open. I was tired of hiding. I was tired of lying to Bella about talking to Rosalie and seeing her. I hated keeping anything from her. It made me feel like an ass because I knew there was no way Bella would've ever kept something like this from me.
But what the fuck do you do when you're stuck between your twin and your best friend?
I can tell you what I did. I listened when Rosalie begged me to let her tell Bella in her own time. After all, it's what I'd done when Bella asked me to do the same years ago. That fact didn't make me feel any better about it, but I would let Rosie take the lead - and hope like hell that Bella would understand and forgive me.
Rosalie looked curiously past us down the hallway, reminding me at once that she had never met Alice. I walked back toward her and held my hand out to her, and I had to smile as she skipped to meet me. Every move she made was so graceful…so delicate. So tantalizing. I loved the way she was always so happy and excited about everything. She was so full of…life…that I'd been drawn immediately to her when I first saw her in the library around the middle of the quarter. She'd had headphones on and was dancing in her seat as her mouth silently formed the words of the song she was listening to while she read one of the many books open on the table in front of her.
I hadn't stood a chance.
I'd felt a strange compulsion and sat down across from her without a thought, watching as her silver eyes widened. She'd smiled at me, and just that easily, I was hers. We'd met at the library several times that week, gone on our first date that weekend, and had been nearly inseparable ever since.
As she reached me, she slipped her hand into mine and, together, we walked back to Rosalie so I could introduce them. I watched with a smile as Rose stood back as if she were studying Alice for any flaws. She pulled her into a tight hug and, with class that would make our mother proud, said, "I'm so happy to meet you, Alice. Jasper won't shut the fuck up about you."
I rolled my eyes and laughed as Alice returned the greeting, saying I'd told her a lot about Rosalie, which was true. Alice was the only one who had any inkling of what was going on in my sister's life, and that was because I'd had to talk to someone before I lost my mind.
Rose straightened and flashed me a pointed look as she said, "I hope for his sake it was all good things."
I heard Bella laugh as Rosalie and I locked eyes. She knew I had talked to Alice a bit about what was going on, but she was silently asking me now how much my girlfriend knew. I shook my head slightly, letting her know that, no, I hadn't told her everything. It wasn't my place.
Rose nodded and relaxed a bit as I reclaimed Alice, pulling her back against me and wrapping my arms around her waist. I rested my chin on her head and gave a small smile as I watched Bella pull Edward by the hand down the hall. The sight was…bizarre.
But so good.
I focused on the scene in front of me, seeing Bella's beaming smile while she said, "This is my…" and broke off for just a moment before suddenly saying, "Edward!"
Why hadn't she just said "boyfriend"? It was so obvious that's what they were. I glanced at Edward to see his reaction, and he was looking at Bella with an expression of such…longing. He'd been hoping for her to say it too, I'd bet anything. I guess that was a conversation they hadn't had yet, and I decided that I would talk to Bella about it later. I wondered if she still didn't quite get how Edward felt about her.
I was yanked out of my musings when I heard Rosalie say, "Your Edward, huh? Well, I can see why you'd want to keep him to yourself…" That was perfectly normal for her. What wasn't normal was when she just said, "I'm Rosalie Hale. Nice to meet you," and held out her hand to shake Edward's.
My arms dropped from Alice's waist as my eyes quickly found Bella's, and we stared at each other dumbly, though I was pretty sure for different reasons. Fuck. If Rosalie was letting something that good go that easily, she meant to talk to Bella soon. She was being as nice as possible right now.
Bella, I was sure, just thought Rosalie was saving up the torment until later.
I heard Emmett's voice break in as he said, "I'm Emmett McCarty," and I glanced over to see him staring wide-eyed at my sister.
God damn it.
How much of this shit was I expected to take?
My exasperation was short-lived, though, as Bella asked the question I'd been dreading. "Where's Royce?"
I barely bit back my groan and watched as Bella looked toward the open door in confusion, trying to find out why Rosalie was already here. I heard the panic creeping into her voice, and I knew that, instinctively, she already knew something was wrong. I'd actually been expecting her to corner me for weeks now, demanding to know what was up with Rosie. Thankfully, Edward had caused such uproar in her life that she'd been too distracted to notice my less-than-subtle behavior over the last few weeks while I helped Rosalie plan her move.
Rosalie and I looked at each other as Bella's questions drifted off, and my sister whispered, "Thanks, Jazzy."
I had never felt like a bigger shithead than I did when Bella frowned at Rosalie and demanded to know what was going on. She knew now that I was in on it, and she was dismissing me, likely pissed off.
Fuck.
Still, there was nothing I would've done differently. Like so many times before, I just wished the situation had been different, but I seemed to have a knack for ending up in fucked up situations with no good answers.
I watched helplessly as Bella actually whined and Rosalie drug her away to my room. I turned to look at the one person I knew would be supportive of me right now, and she was looking back up at me with concern in her silver eyes.
Looking into Alice's eyes always gave me the feeling that my soul was laid bare before her, nothing hidden – not my worry for Rosalie, not my pain at knowing what this was going to do to Bella, not my guilt for deceiving her for so long, not my rage for all the fucking assholes in this world that kept hurting women, especially those I loved.
Despite all I knew she saw in my eyes, I was aware of our audience, and I said the only thing I could honestly say at the moment, "I'm sorry, guys…"
You have no idea how fucking sorry I am. For all of this.
Alice just kept looking into my eyes as she quietly said, "It's okay…I understand. Should we go?"
Of course Alice would understand. I could feel Edward's tension as he stood beside me, though, and I knew that he didn't. And he was pissed off about that, which – honestly – he should have been. No one had been kept more in the dark than he had. I really didn't want to focus on him at the moment though. There was way too much to deal with even without factoring in the pissed off, jealous boyfriend.
Even as I said, "You don't have to, darlin', but I don't know how long this might take," I knew that my dismissal of Edward as just a jealous boyfriend was unfair. He had been so careful with Bella, letting her lead, taking things at her pace…and not just physically. He had told her they would need to talk about what happened to her, but he left that to her as well.
God damn this shit.
What right did he have to be such a fucking saint?
And when did I become such a fucking ass?
But I knew when. It was the moment I realized I would need to let Bella go. Not completely – not out of my life…but we couldn't stay the best-friends-living-together all our lives. We were growing up, and things were changing. I felt my teeth cutting into the inside of my cheek as I realized that I really did have to do this.
I could easily comfort Bella myself. I'd done it for years. I could tell Edward to just go home because this would take awhile, and then I could cuddle with Bella and make her feel safe. Hell, it was what I wanted to do. I wanted to take care of her and make everything okay for her again. It might even help with some of the unbearable guilt I was feeling.
But it wasn't the right thing to do.
Fuck.
I made myself look at Edward as I said, "You should probably stay at least, Edward. Bella might…need you…afterward."
I saw as the shock registered in his eyes before they actually softened a bit. He didn't answer, just nodded at me, and I nodded in return before I had to look away. I could feel my teeth grind, but I had done it.
I sighed and leaned down to give Alice a kiss. She held on to me for a moment and whispered softly, "Thank you for that…I'm proud of you." I nodded again, and I did feel a bit better to know that Alice approved of what I'd done. She was a huge part of why I had to learn to let go.
I loved her so completely and wanted it all with her – marriage, a family, a long life complete with a front porch and great-grandchildren. I couldn't do that if I insisted on being everything to Bella, too.
It took all I had not to hang my head and shuffle my feet as I walked down the hallway to my bedroom. I didn't know for sure what would be waiting for me, but there was no possibility it would be something good.
I paused outside my door, taking a deep breath that I held as I went inside. Rosalie was pacing barefoot while Bella was sitting on the edge of my bed. Her back was straight, and her hands were in her lap, every piece of her screaming her tension. I couldn't look her in the eye as I went to sit beside her, taking her hand as I kept my eyes on Rosie instead.
I felt myself withdrawing as my twin stopped pacing and walked over to sit on the bed. She leaned against the headboard, and Bella and I both turned automatically to sit a little closer. I knew Bella would need something to hold onto – she always did – and I was very sure, unfortunately, that she wouldn't want that something to be me right now. I handed her a pillow instead, keeping my eyes forward.
When Rose began by saying, "Bella, I know I've been…distant…for awhile now," I tuned it out. I didn't want to hear this. Not again. I knew the story too fucking well now, and hearing it would just piss me off. Again.
The sound of my name broke through the fog briefly, and I reached over to take Rosalie's hand, my eyes on the comforter. Her voice continued, and I forced my mind away from what she was saying. Unfortunately, all I could think of was all the times I'd quietly gone to Portland to visit her over the past six months.
I'd skipped a few classes here and there to find time that wouldn't make Bella too suspicious. There had also been the odd time when I was supposed to be at Alice's that I was really in Oregon. The worst times, though, had been the first ones over the summer.
Rosalie had called me up one morning in early June crying. Rosalie didn't cry. Not like that. All she would say is that she needed me, and she asked me to come right then. Bella was teaching a summer class, and I'd jumped in my truck and driven as fast as I could to get to her.
When she answered the door, she'd been disheveled and clearly upset, but it hadn't taken very long to find out what was going on. Her eyes had been filled with so many emotions, but the one I remember so clearly was concern – she was worried for me about what she had to tell me. She wasn't sure what it would do to me.
She'd sat me down and started the second nightmare of my life.
I felt Bella's hand slip into mine and glanced over at her, catching her staring down. Her face was so tormented as she studied our hands clasped in a circle, but I felt a little bit of hope that she'd reached out to me. Maybe I would be forgiven yet.
Rosalie's voice began again, and I forced myself not to hear it once more. With thoughts of forgiveness in my mind, I couldn't help but think of what I had done to deceive Bella. Of all the times I'd lied to her about where I was going, the one that hurt the most had come near the end of June. I was scheduled to attend a colloquium on the South during the Civil War where I was supposed to be presenting a paper I'd written with a colleague on living conditions for soldiers in Georgia around the time of the battle at Kennesaw Mountain. I'd had to lie about my mom having surgery to get out of the colloquium, but Bella thought I was still going.
She cornered me the Wednesday before I was set to leave for Portland on Friday morning and begged for us to go visit Rosalie instead. She said she had a bad feeling, and she just wanted to make sure she was all right. Plus, she wanted to see her – she missed her.
I still felt like such a shit for lying to her, telling her there was no way I could get out of the conference. We'd fought, and she'd yelled at me. I knew she'd go on her own anyway, so I'd called Rosalie as soon as I could, and she just happened to call Bella that night to mention that she was going out of town that weekend.
I'd spent the weekend with Rosalie, worrying the entire time about Bella being home alone. The whole thing was exhausting.
Bella's hand twitched in mine, and I tried to sooth her, rubbing the back of her hand with my thumb. My heart ached for her. I could only imagine what she was feeling right now. I didn't want to look at her face, to see the devastation I knew I would find there. This had to be bringing back so many painful memories for her. I wouldn't help anything by adding my own anger and guilt. Instead of looking, I held tightly to her hand, comforting her with my touch in the way that had been ours for so long now.
"Where is he now?" Bella's voice demanded, low and dangerous.
I had been so focused on how upset she would be that her anger surprised me. I know it probably shouldn't have. Bella was as fiercely protective as I was, and I should have expected that she would react this way. But her cold focus had me worried. There had only been a few times before that I had seen that expression on her face, and each of them had ended with Bella storming off.
Fuck.
I was wary as I tried to reassure her, my eyes studying hers carefully as I cursed myself for not paying more attention. I squeezed Bella's hand as I said, "Rosie's safe, Bella. It's alright. She's fine…"
Bella hissed, "That's not what I fucking asked."
Shit. This would not end well. Not at all.
Rosalie joined me in trying to calm Bella, but nothing was working. Finally, we glanced at each other, and I tried to pull Bella to me. Sometimes, if she wasn't too far gone, she would calm down as I held her – or break down. Either way, it was better than her leaving pissed off. I hated it when she went driving in this sort of rage. She never went far, and I always followed her – but damn if it wasn't scary to watch.
Bella shoved me away and slammed my door as she left the room. Rosalie and I looked at each other for a moment before I sighed and blinked, my jaw clenching and my teeth grinding with my frustration. Rosalie shook her head, the edges of her eyes reddening as she took a shaky breath. I hugged her close to me and kissed the top of her head before I hurried to my closet. I shoved my feet into a pair of flip flops and strode quickly to the door, patting my pockets to make sure I had my keys and my phone. Rosalie was right on my heels as we walked into the hall.
Bella had already made it to the living room and had her shoes on. We followed behind her, pleading with her as we tried to get her to hear us and see reason.
It wasn't happening.
Still, I couldn't just let her leave without trying, so I made my futile attempts as I moved in her wake, watching her shove her arms into her coat and snatch up her keys.
Edward's voice was suddenly mixed with ours as he said, "Bella, wait. Where are you going?"
I glanced over to see that he was stalking down the hallway, intent on Bella. Just as he caught up with us, he looked over at me and said, "Do something, man!"
I was only a few steps behind her, and I heard the pleading in my voice as I said, "Bella, please." I didn't have much hope that she would turn around, but I wished with all my being that she would.
Edward passed us just as Bella yanked open the door with such force that it rebounded off the wall. He leaned toward her, reaching out, and so much flashed through my mind at once.
I knew Bella either ran or drove when she was upset.
Edward didn't.
I knew she wouldn't go far before she calmed down enough to realize what she was doing and came home.
Edward didn't.
I knew she would flail and cause some serious damage when she got this way.
Edward didn't.
Shit.
"Don't, Edward!" I tried to warn him, but it was too late. His fingers closed around her wrist, and I winced a split second before I saw her turn. Part of me was so fucking proud of her when I saw her hand in a strong fist as she swung so confidently. But then reality set in and my voice was part of the collective hiss I heard as we all sucked in breath through our teeth when Bella's fist connected with Edward's face.
"Fuck!" he cursed, and pride surged within me again. The guys and I had worked with Bella over the years on some basic self defense, and it made me feel good to see it in action – especially since it wasn't my face for once. Then I realized that I was gloating a bit that I knew how to handle Bella and Edward didn't.
I am such a fucking ass.
I watched as Bella's face fell and she began to cry as she said, "Oh my god, Edward! I'm so sorry!" Her voice was already thick with her tears, and her face was twisted with agony and self-loathing.
I stood helplessly looking on as Alice appeared suddenly with a dish towel, handing it to Edward. He took it without even glancing at her and brought it to his nose as he reached out to Bella. The two of them seemed completely absorbed in one another, and I felt like an intruder as I watched them step toward each other, hands outstretched.
It felt so wrong, just standing there watching as Bella cried. I wanted to walk over and take her in my arms to give her the comfort I knew she needed right now.
But I couldn't.
This was the whole reason I'd told Edward to stay. I just didn't know it was going to be so damn hard to see. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just stand there and see her breaking down…see that self-loathing on her face when I knew it had no place there.
I silently turned and walked into the living room, leaving them in their little bubble. I felt a hollow ache in my chest that seemed to be burning through me, eating me from the inside. I sat on the end of the loveseat, leaning my head against the back as I stared at the ceiling with my feet sprawled out in front of me. I could hear Bella's sobs from the hallway and nothing more. Why wasn't he saying anything? What the hell was he doing out there?
She needed to hear that this wasn't her fault. He needed to hold her tight and rub her back and let her know that she'd done nothing wrong. It wasn't her fault she'd punched the shit out of him. Why didn't he tell her that?
I didn't realize my hand was in a fist on my chest until I felt Alice's weight on the loveseat beside me. She reached over to take my hand, rubbing it soothingly with both of hers. I worked to relax it, entwining our fingers as I sighed quietly. I glanced at her, and she was looking back at me sympathetically. I tried to give her a small smile before I turned my eyes back to the ceiling.
My vision became blurry with my own tears when I could finally make out the words Bella was sobbing over and over. "I hate this. I'm so fucking sorry."
Finally I heard Edward's low voice murmuring with hers as he spoke to her softly, trying to comfort her. I heard him call her "love" again and again, and my mind latched on to the word, turning it over as I tried to figure out what it meant. He could hold her, comfort her, call her love…but they didn't know what they were to each other. Not yet.
Maybe going through this together would help them get there.
I sighed quietly and blinked a few times, trying to clear my eyes. Puzzling over their relationship distracted me enough to take in a bit more of what was going on around me. I sensed Rosalie and Emmett in the room with us, but I realized that no one was speaking. We were all listening in silence to the conversation in the hallway now that Bella had stopped sobbing.
I heard them apologize to each other again, each trying to take the blame for what had happened. In truth, it was no one's fault…it was just another one of those fucked up situations.
I could feel all eyes in the room on me, but I didn't really want to look at anyone just yet. I sat up slowly but kept my eyes carefully forward, not focused on anything.
Conversation stopped in the hallway as well, and all was silent for awhile. I was confused when I heard Edward say, "Bella, you don't have to…"
But all my questions were answered when she said, "Yes, I do…you need to know."
Oh, fuck.
I heard my own shaky exhale as my vision blurred again. I gripped Alice's hand tighter as I realized she was going to tell him.
Tonight. Now.
Alice lifted my hand and kissed my knuckles, but I barely noticed as I worked through what was happening. Bella always broke down when she told her story. Would Edward know what to do? Who would be there to pick up the pieces when she finished? Would he? Was he strong enough? Was it even my place anymore?
Bella's voice was caring as she said, "But first, let me take care of you…"
I had to smile. I shook my head once, still staring ahead. It was so Bella. Her world could be burning, and she'd still stop to give her last bit of water to a thirsty man.
Edward answered, "Whatever my Bella wishes…" and I felt my brow furrow. I didn't know what to think of him claiming her in that way. I tried to analyze his voice, but I didn't really know him well enough to read him like that yet. I filed it away for future study as I heard them finally begin to move.
I was aware of them walking down the hallway past the doorway to the living room, but I didn't raise my eyes. I was so afraid of what was about to happen. I had no clue how Edward would react to Bella's past, and it had been years since she'd had to tell this story to someone new.
What if he agrees with that whore Jessica?
The rage I felt in that moment had no equal. I knew it wasn't likely. Anyone who heard Bella's story and wasn't a jealous bitch knew it wasn't her fault, not at all. But just the thought…
It would kill Bella if Edward told her it was her fault. I really didn't think she would survive it. I mean…physically, of course she would. But I didn't think she would ever recover emotionally.
Rosalie's voice broke through my fog when she said, "Let's give them some privacy…"
What the fuck? Was she serious?
All around me the other three stood up, but I stayed where I was. I needed to be there for whatever happened. If Edward took it well, then…that was fine. If he didn't, I needed to be there to put Bella back together again.
If I could.
I heard Alice call my name softly. Did they really think I would leave?
"I'm not going anywhere," I answered, and my voice sounded lifeless even to me.
It was Rosalie who answered, saying, "Jasper. Come on. Bella and Edward don't need an audience…they need to be able to talk freely without wondering who's listening in."
Irritation flared as I finally looked up, glaring at my twin. "Where the fuck do you think we're supposed to go anyway? It's the middle of the night."
My glare turned to Emmett when he said, "I'm starving. Why don't we go grab something to eat?"
Of course he'd be thinking about his stomach. My own felt ill. Both of the girls agreed with him, and I couldn't believe they were trying to make me leave. Wasn't it enough that I was sitting out here when I was dying to be in there holding her?
"You expect me to just leave her here alone after that?" I managed to get out.
Alice's soft voice was a gentle reproof, "She's not alone, Jazz. Edward's here."
Immediately on top of her, Emmett added, "Believe me, Edward wouldn't let anything happen to Bella."
"No offense, Emmett," I said, "But how am I supposed to trust you on something like that? I just met you, and you don't know anything about Bella's past."
"Not debating that," he said. "But I do know Edward, and I know he'd cut off his left nut before he'd hurt her." He shrugged.
I rolled my eyes. "I don't know how Edward's going to react to what Bella tells him. What if he just fucking leaves?"
The reproof in Rosalie's voice was anything but gentle when she said, "Come the fuck on, Jasper. I just met Edward, but even I can see he wouldn't do something like that. You need to give him more credit. He looks at Bella just like you look at Alice, and if you weren't so goddamn determined to find fault with him, you'd see that. Now, the only thing we can do here is get in the way. We might as well go eat and give them some time to talk. When we're finished, we can come right back to make sure everything's okay."
I took in what Rosalie was saying and sighed, looking down. I closed my eyes for a moment and then opened them, looking up to search out Alice.
She was gazing down at me with a mixture of sympathy and sadness in her eyes. It was the sadness that killed me. The sympathy I expected. She knew how hard this was for me, and she hated to see me hurting. But I was making her sad because I was being an ass about Edward. Again.
Damn it.
I sighed again and then stood slowly, pulling Alice to me. I held her close for a moment before I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I'm so sorry, darlin'…" I whispered. "I'm trying…I promise."
Her arms around my waist squeezed me tightly as I heard her whisper, "I know, Jazz. I love you."
I gave a small half-smile as I straightened. What they were saying made sense…but more than that, I couldn't stand to keep hurting Alice. I could do this. I would do this.
I exhaled, trying to let go of all the tension in my shoulders. I thought for a moment and quietly said, "Beth's?" It wasn't much, but it was all I could give at the moment.
Alice smiled up at me and nodded before she let go, stepping back. We all gathered our belongings in silence and made our way to the door. I locked it carefully behind us and turned to look at the others as a potential problem hit me.
"My truck won't fit all of us…Rose, can we take your car?" I asked.
She shook her head. "It's still on the trailer…"
We all turned to look at Emmett, who frowned. "Normally, we'd fit easily, but I picked up a bunch of computer cases earlier. We'd have to unload those first."
Alice spoke up, "I'll just ride with you, Emmett…Jasper and Rosalie can take his truck."
I frowned, not wanting to separate from her although I knew it made the most sense. Rosalie and Emmett just met – hell, Emmett and I had just met. Alice knew him and was comfortable with him. I sighed as we finalized everything. Then Emmett said, "Come on, Ali," and the two of them wandered off across the parking lot. I watched them for a moment, noticing how Emmett towered over my tiny Alice.
Rosalie poked me in the ribs. "She's fine, Jazzy…promise."
I looked back at her with a small, rueful smile. "Which one?"
Rose grinned quietly. "Both."
I sighed and draped my arm over her shoulders as I steered her toward my truck parked just beneath one of the streetlights. We were silent as we walked, and I opened the door for her before I walked around to the driver's side. I settled in and put my seatbelt on, starting the truck and turning the music down. I glanced over my shoulder to look out the window before backing out of the parking space and caught Rosalie staring at me.
"What?"
"Jazz…" she began. I waited for a moment, but she didn't continue.
"What is it, Rosie?" I tried again.
I had put the truck in drive and was pulling out of the parking lot before she finally answered. "I want you to answer my question honestly. Don't overanalyze, don't add to it, don't even think too much about it. Okay?"
I frowned. This wasn't the type of thing Rosalie usually said. "Okay…" I agreed hesitantly.
"What does your gut tell you about Edward?" she asked.
My frown deepened as my jaw clenched. She would ask that. I tried to think of what to say, and she interrupted by saying, "Don't think so much about it, Jazz. Initial response. What is your gut reaction to Edward?"
I sighed before grudgingly admitting, "My gut tells me he's a great guy. He seems trustworthy and caring, and he's been good to Bella. Alice trusts him, too."
Silence reigned in the truck, and I tried to figure out where Rosalie was going with this. Obviously she was trying to convince me to trust Edward, but it just seemed like an odd way to go about it.
So I wasn't expecting her next question, and it knocked the wind out of me like a kick to the crotch. "What did your gut tell you about James? Even when Bella first told you about him?"
My hands tightened on the steering wheel as my teeth ground and my nostrils flared. What the fuck? I worked to calm myself, breathing deeply, and finally said, "It told me he was a fucking asshole."
Rosalie said nothing else for awhile, and I watched the lights glint off the windows of the buildings we passed as we made our way downtown. I heard nothing but the roar of my engine and the hissing of the tires on the wet pavement before Rose's voice whispered, "And Royce?"
I inhaled sharply and looked over at her. Seeing her sitting there, I was overcome again by how much she'd been through, and I felt my eyes stinging as I whispered, "I'm so sorry, Rosie."
She shook her head and said, "Jazz, it's not your fault. I kept a lot of things from you, and I wouldn't have listened to you anyway. I thought I knew what I was doing…"
She looked down at her hands in her lap and then back up at me before I returned my eyes to the road. "You were seventeen, Jazz. You lived states away. Her mom had already told her she couldn't see him, and she did it anyway. It's not your fault."
I interrupted, my enormous guilt spilling over as it always did. "I should've told Renee, Rose. None of this would've happened if I'd spoken up."
"You don't know that," she argued. "Bella was stubborn. I think she would've just hidden it better, and I don't think it would've changed anything except she would've been mad at you, too. Sometimes we do stupid things, Jasper, and we just need someone there to help us pick up the pieces afterward."
We'd had this argument so many times over the years. It was pointless. I knew what she would say, just as she knew what I would say. It didn't change the fact that I didn't believe it. I should've tried harder, done more.
I was getting ready to voice that opinion again when Rosalie said, "Whether or not you're guilty of anything isn't the point right now anyway."
I frowned and glanced over at her again. She was turned partway in her seat, watching me. "Then what the fuck is the point?" I demanded.
"I'm just trying to point out that your gut has been right…every time. Your gut tells you to trust Edward, Jazz. You didn't listen the last couple of times, and you regretted it. Maybe you should listen this time."
I furrowed my brow and scowled as I watched the buildings pass by us in a blur. We remained silent as I pulled into the parking lot at the restaurant and parked my truck. We got out and walked to the entrance where we turned to wait for Alice and Emmett. I spotted them across the lot and watched as they walked toward us. Emmett said something that made Alice laugh as she pinched him. He ruffled her hair, causing her to hit him on the arm. They were so…relaxed together. It reminded me intensely of the way she acted with Edward, and I wondered if she looked at Emmett as another brother.
Just then, the two of them caught sight of us, and they sobered immediately. With a few more steps, they reached us, and Alice took my hand as Emmett opened the door and held it. Rosalie entered first, and the rest of us followed as she spoke to the hostess. The place was packed as usual, but we managed to get a booth after a few minutes.
The ladies sat across from each other, leaving me with the dilemma of where to sit. Finally I slid onto the bench beside Alice, resting my hand on her knee as Emmett sat across from me. We ordered our drinks and then opened the menus while I tried hard to forget what was going on a few miles away in my apartment.
I was aware of the other three talking, and I tried to concentrate on what they were saying. I wasn't having a lot of luck, but I did at least manage to decide on a breakfast burrito with black beans. I closed my menu and set it to the side, struggling to focus.
The others were just making small talk about the menu, discussing different options. Alice was teasing Emmett about the twelve-egg omelets he always ordered – and finished, apparently - and it made me smile to see her this way and appreciate how well she knew Emmett. It was sometimes shocking to me to realize how short a time we really had been together. I was still learning about her friends and family and her relationships with them. Thankfully, watching her helped me take my mind off Bella and what I knew she was going through, and I tried to join in the conversation around me.
Emmett asked Rosalie about her apprenticeship in Portland, prompting her to ask how he knew about it. I noticed they turned partially toward each other, and Rosalie gave a small smile.
God.
I looked at Emmett, thinking of the way Edward and Alice interacted with him, and remembered my conversation with Rosalie on the way over. What was my gut reaction to Emmett?
I sighed. My gut told me Emmett was a good guy too. I looked over at Rosalie, wondering if she was ready to move on. She was deep in conversation with Emmett already, and they seemed intent on each other as they talked.
Rosalie had been hurt by an asshole too, much as Bella had. I didn't love her any less than Bella, so I was still trying to figure out why it was so much easier for me to let her go. I'd been able to leave her on her own when she asked me to, even that first day when I was still so angry I could barely see straight.
And now, watching her with Emmett, I was able to accept it far easier than I could accept Bella with Edward. Why?
Before I could begin to answer that question, Alice leaned toward me, quietly asking, "How are you doing, handsome?"
Emmett and Rosalie were absorbed in their conversation, so I turned to look down at Alice, reaching up to run my thumb along her cheek. "I'm making it," I answered, unable to reassure her much more and still be truthful.
Alice caught my hand on her cheek and squeezed it as she lowered our hands to her lap. She smiled up at me and said, "I know it's hard, Jazz. I promise you, though, you don't have to worry about Edward. He loves her as much as you love me."
The way she said it – comparing Edward's love for Bella with my love for Alice – stunned me for a moment. It was an echo of what Rosalie had said earlier, but it had a different impact coming from this woman I loved. She was so confident, so sure of her words. It made me look at things a little differently.
How would I react if Alice told me a story like the one Bella was telling Edward now? Was there any way in hell I would walk out on her?
I wanted to laugh at the thought. Of course there wasn't. Not a thing in the world could make me walk away from Alice.
Did Edward really love Bella that much? Was it laughable to think of his abandoning her?
"Are you sure, Alice?" I whispered.
"As sure as I am of you," was her quiet answer.
I bit the inside of my cheek as I looked into her eyes. We stared at each other for a long time while my thoughts circled inside my head. Slowly, I came to realize a few things. The most significant was that the major reason I was better able to handle Rosalie dating again was that I looked at Rose as an adult capable of making her own decisions while I saw Bella as…a child. She was such an innocent, and I'd taken up the role of her protector. Her guardian. Her father in so many ways. And like an overprotective father, I couldn't stand the thought of her heart being broken, so I was trying to shield her from that possibility.
It was more complicated than that, of course, but it was the best comparison I could find. It sickened me to think of how patronizing I was with Bella sometimes, hiding my physical relationship with Alice from her, thinking she knew nothing about love or sex.
I'd had the best of intentions with her and never meant to treat her like a child, but I had. It was ironic, really. She had survived so much more than I could have and been shoved into adulthood in the most brutal way I could imagine. She wasn't a child.
And I couldn't shield her forever.
She didn't want to be protected now. She wanted to be free to love Edward – and even have the chance of her heart being broken. So what was my role now? As her best friend, what was I supposed to do?
I was startled when the waiter arrived to take our order. I mechanically told him what I wanted, trying to hold on to the questions in my head now that I finally seemed to be making some progress with them. The others ordered, and Emmett and Rose fell into easy conversation again as Alice sat silently beside me.
Turning to the side, I shifted so I could look at Alice more easily. I took both her hands in my right one and rested them in her lap while I lifted my left to trace the shape of her cheekbone and the curve of her ear before I let my hand slip to her neck. I studied her carefully and thought of the role of the best friend in a relationship like this. What had Bella done with me?
I smiled quietly when I realized what Bella had done – she'd cooked dinner and invited Alice over. She'd gotten to know her and reached out, going to the movies with her even though she wasn't comfortable with Alice's brother being here. She'd made nachos to celebrate my falling in love with Alice. She'd spent hours letting Alice dress her, just to make her happy. She'd gone shopping with her and made a friend out of her, even though she really didn't have girl friends.
And what had I done?
I'd been an ass and threatened Edward.
Perfect.
Still, I didn't regret that part. Best friend or not, I wasn't about to let anything happen to Bella. But it was time to let go of all of this shit and give Bella the chance to be happy - really happy, not just not miserable. It was time to trust Alice. Trust Edward. Trust myself again.
I smiled softly as I felt the weight on my chest begin to lift. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I felt calm for the first time in weeks. Alice sensed the change in me and smiled in response.
Our food arrived just then, making me realize I'd been staring at Alice for quite awhile as I worked through all the questions in my head. She'd sat there the whole time, letting me look at her, watching me in return, being exactly what I needed at that moment.
"I love you," I told her softly, leaning over to gently kiss her lips. Alice's hands found my cheeks as she pulled me closer, and she sighed contentedly when we parted, our foreheads resting against each other.
I suddenly realized it was silent at our table and raised my head to find Emmett and Rosalie both staring at us. Emmett was grinning like an idiot, and Rosalie had an eyebrow arched.
"What?" I asked.
"Gross," was Rosalie's answer. I grinned at her, feeling more at ease than I had in weeks. I had a long way to go with Edward, especially considering my less-than-fantastic beginning, but at least I finally understood what everyone had been trying to tell me.
Emmett said, "If you're finished molesting my best friend's sister…" and trailed off with another grin before he asked me about the video card in my computer. It turned out Alice had told him about my gaming habits, and he'd had to order a few extra cards to get a discount on some systems he was putting together.
We talked computers for awhile, and I heard Rosalie asking Alice about some of her designs. Our conversations continued as we ate, and I worked to keep my mind here. It was easier than I would have thought, but I still drifted at times, wondering if Bella had told Edward about how guilty she felt for dressing the way she had or if she'd gotten to the point where she tripped yet. I'd had to listen to her tell that story so many times, but it had taken all of our smaller conversations over the years for me to really put together what had happened to her. And it scared the shit out of me.
There was a lot she held back when she told her story all at once, a product of the streamlining the lawyers had worked on with her as well as her own desire to get the story over as quickly as possible. At various times, I'd gotten up the nerve to ask her about specific parts. She'd also occasionally volunteered information, just needing to get it out there. I hoped that eventually she and Edward would have those conversations…it had helped me put together a more complete picture of Bella and why certain things bothered her. He'd need that to really understand her.
"So are you dating anyone?" Emmett's voice broke through my thoughts, and I gaped at him. He didn't really believe in subtlety, did he?
Alice giggled at the expression on my face as Rosalie said, "No. Ever since the last bastard I dated, I'm pretty picky. I haven't found anyone up to my standards."
She brushed her hair back over her shoulder and gave a small smile as she looked down. She was flirting. With Emmett. Gross.
I had to smile, though. I hadn't seen her this animated in a long time.
Emmett raised both eyebrows and said, "What are your requirements then?"
Rose smirked and launched into a long list of demands beginning with, "A skinny guy with hidden geeky habits who is smart and sweet, who knows his way around an engine and the washing machine, who can take care of problems around the house and in a relationship, who is not afraid to talk but knows when to shut the hell up. Someone who puts me first and appreciates that I put him first. Someone with dark hair because I've had enough of asshole blonds. Someone who brings me tomato soup, cheese toast, and auto magazines when I'm sick. Someone who loves to kiss and can make me forget my own name, who likes to make out sometimes without it going anywhere…"
She kept going, but I finally had to tune her out. There was something so…wrong about listening to my twin sister list all the things she wanted in a guy, especially when it came to the physical stuff.
I started silently listing the battles of the Civil War in order as I watched Emmett's face. His eyes were wide, and he listened carefully as Rosalie ticked off each point on her list of requirements. Surely he didn't think he fit all that?
Rosalie's voice broke through my own list when she said, "Who can put up a fight when we play Street Fighter," and I laughed. She always claimed I was a pansy, even though we were evenly matched. She flashed me a grin but never faltered as she continued. Damn. She really had thought about this shit. "I want someone who lets me enjoy my interests and has interests of his own, who respects me but can curse like a sailor and doesn't mind that I curse too. He has to be passionate both in and out of the bedroom, and he can't be afraid to argue with me."
We all sat and stared at her dumbfounded for a moment. Alice's lips were slightly parted as she gaped, and I laughed. But Emmett nodded thoughtfully for a long time before he finally said, "So how important is that skinny thing? 'Cause I've got the rest of that shit down."
Rosalie laughed before she grew quiet and smiled at Emmett. She said, "The skinny thing might be negotiable…" She looked down at the table, and Emmett stared at her, smiling.
"That's good to know," was all he said before he picked up his fork to finish off his ridiculous omelet. The thing was served on a damn pizza pan, and he ate every single bite of it.
We talked for awhile longer as we all finished eating, and I realized that Bella would have finished her story by now. I was becoming anxious again, wanting to get home and check on her. I felt a little more at ease now that I was sure Edward wouldn't just leave her, but I knew what a wreck she normally was after telling someone what had happened. I wanted to be there in case she needed me.
I felt a hollow ache when I realized she might not need me this time.
The waiter brought our check, and I paid for everyone. I knew it wouldn't make up for my moods, but it was a small apology anyway. Emmett tried to argue with me until Rosalie told him to let me make up for being a jackass. I rolled my eyes at her and said, "Thanks, Rosie."
She smiled at me.
We stood and made our way out of the restaurant. I glanced at my phone and saw it was 2:30 in the morning now. We'd been eating and talking for nearly two hours, though it didn't seem like it. Bella would definitely be finished by now, and I'd be returning to whatever the aftermath had been.
Anxiety rose in my chest, and I was ready to get home. Now. Alice sensed my tension and squeezed my hand as we stepped out into the misty night. I returned the gesture, trying to let her know that I was okay, just a little worried. I suddenly realized that if she was going to ride with Emmett again, we would be saying good night here.
So much for my well-laid plans.
I sighed and leaned down to hug her, pulling her to me. She tilted her head toward me, and we kissed gently. She smiled against my lips, and I couldn't help but smile in return. I loved this woman like I'd never loved anyone else. I kissed her again, nearly lifting her from the ground as I held her close. After a long moment, I relaxed my grip so we could stand again.
As we straightened, Rosalie said, "Hey, Jazz? Emmett's going to drop me off at my hotel. What time should I come over tomorrow?"
I blinked. I hadn't even realized they'd been talking while Alice and I were holding each other. I frowned slightly as I said, "Are you sure, Rosie? I don't mind taking you."
Rosalie rolled her eyes at me. "Yes, I'm sure. There's no sense in you driving all the way out there when Emmett's going that way anyway."
She walked toward me and hugged me tightly, whispering, "Besides, you need some alone time with Alice. I can't stand the sight of you making out in front of me all day tomorrow. Get that shit out of your system." When she pulled away, she was grinning at me. I tickled her, and she punched my arm. Hard.
Damn it. I liked it better when Bella just squirmed away. I refused to rub my arm, but that shit stung, and the wicked grin on her face told me she knew it.
"So what time?" she asked again. I told her the guys should be there around three, and she nodded before she said, "Will the love of my life be there?"
I rolled my eyes and laughed. I would never understand the running joke between those two. "Yes, Embry's coming."
Emmett frowned and furrowed his brow as he listened. I snickered at him.
We said our goodbyes and made our way out into the parking lot. I helped Alice into the truck and got behind the wheel, watching in my rearview mirror as Emmett opened the door for Rosalie. His Jeep was tall, and he helped her up by offering her a hand and steadying her with his other hand on her waist. He made sure she was in and then closed the door before going around to the driver's side.
After I started the truck, I backed out and then took Alice's hand, holding it on the seat between us.
We drove through the streets in comfortable silence before she finally asked, "So what do you think of Rosalie and Emmett?"
I thought for a moment before I said, "Well…they seem to be getting along extremely well. I'm not really sure what to think yet, you know?" Alice didn't say anything, so I prompted her, asking, "What do you think?"
I heard the smile in her voice as she answered, "I think Rose is a very lucky girl. Emmett's great…but I've never actually seen him interested in anyone like that. He's taken care of me a couple of times when I was sick and Edward was out of town. My mom just adores him. He's loyal to a fault and won't hear anyone say anything bad about Edward…or me. He once kicked a guy's ass at a party when I was in college because he called me a bitch when I told him to keep his hands off me. He's a total flirt, but it's all playful. He's harmless."
I could hear the fondness she felt for him as she spoke, and when she got quiet, I said softly, "If you trust him, then I do too." I squeezed her hand and glanced over to see her smiling at me.
There were questions in her eyes, and I answered them the best I could, trying to fill her in on my epiphanies at the restaurant tonight. I told her about how I'd come to realize I sheltered Bella too much. I felt shame burning on my face as I spoke. I hated to admit my mistakes to Alice. She never judged me though. She just held my hand and asked me questions, helping to draw out my thoughts as always.
I found myself telling her, "I think I've been wrong to hide how we are too. I mean physically. I think maybe Bella needs to see that kissing and all of that is a good thing, not something to hide or be afraid of."
I saw her nod thoughtfully from the corner of my eye, and she said, "I think that makes sense…but Jazz, I know why you've kept it from her. It's okay. Don't beat yourself up about that, okay?"
I sighed and squeezed her hand, giving a small smile as she hit on what she knew I'd be worried about. We talked awhile longer until we pulled into her apartment complex and parked. I walked her to the door and stood to the side while she unlocked it. We went inside together, and Alice went to the kitchen while I walked through her apartment. I knew it was a little paranoid, but it was the small things like that that helped me sleep at night when she was away from me.
Once I was sure she was safe, I went back to the kitchen. She walked toward me, and we met in the middle where I bent down just as she lifted onto her toes. We kissed slowly and deeply, and I gave myself over to her taste and the feeling of her soft lips moving with mine. This was what I'd been missing all night, this feeling of merging with Alice, being completely in tune with her.
Finally I pulled away and rested my forehead against hers as I said quietly, "I'm sorry I've been an ass, Alice."
She straightened to look me in the eye as she frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"This last week, I've been so worried about Bella and Edward that I think I've been ignoring you…and I know I keep hurting your feelings when I get upset about him. I just feel like such an ass, and I'm so sorry. You deserve better than that from me." I wrapped my arms around her again, pulling her with me as I leaned back against the counter.
"Jazz, you've been going through a lot…believe me, I understand. I appreciate you apologizing, though. You're forgiven." She smiled up at me and rose to kiss my jaw. "And I'm definitely looking forward to having you back…"
I gave a little growl and bent down, kissing her deeply. She nibbled on my lower lip and tangled her fingers in my hair, and I was becoming very torn between picking her up to carry her to her bedroom and telling her goodnight so I could go assess the damage at my apartment. I really wasn't sure which part of me would win, so it was a bit of a relief when Alice pulled away with a soft sigh.
"Is it okay if I come over early tomorrow?" she asked, and I stared at her swollen lips as I tried to focus.
Finally, her words sank in. "Of course it is…that's a silly question. You know you can come over anytime you want." I hugged her close once more before I let her go, and she stepped back. We talked quietly as she walked me to the door, where we hugged again and I kissed her gently.
"I miss you," I told her honestly.
"Miss you too," she answered with a smile. "And I love you so much."
I smiled as I said, "I love you more than you know."
We said our good nights and I stepped out, waiting until I heard her lock the door before I walked to my truck. My earlier sense of urgency built with each step, and by the time I settled into my seat, I was ready to be home.
My anxiety spread, and I called Rosalie to make sure she was safe as well. She answered on the fourth ring, just as I was about to change directions and head to the hotel. Her voice was muffled as she said, "What the fuck, Jasper?"
"Are you all right, Rosie?" I asked.
Her voice was a bit clearer as she answered, "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sleeping. What's wrong?"
We talked for a minute more, and she told me that Emmett had walked her to her door to make sure she was safe before he left. She'd passed out immediately, and obviously she wasn't too happy about me waking her up. I apologized for waking her, and we said good night before I hung up the phone. At least two of my girls were safe.
The wet streets passed by in a blur as I drove, my thoughts focused on what I might find at my apartment. I imagined several different scenarios, and the worst ones all involved Edward leaving in a rage. I didn't know what Bella would do then, but my breathing sped and my chest was tight until I pulled into our parking lot and saw Edward's Volvo sitting in the same spot.
I relaxed a bit, taking a deep breath as I parked and got out. I waited outside our front door, listening but hearing nothing, so I made my way inside and locked the door behind me. There was still no sound. I hung my coat in the closet and quietly put my keys on the kitchen counter. There was a strange hush in the apartment. It felt…empty somehow. I tried to remember if I'd seen Bella's truck in the parking lot, but I really hadn't noticed and couldn't be sure. Maybe they'd gone somewhere together.
I kicked my shoes off near the door and walked silently down the hallway. I paused outside Bella's room. The light was off, and the door was closed.
They must've decided to go somewhere…
Where would they go though? Would Bella be up for that?
I frowned, trying to make sense of it. Maybe they'd been hungry too. I flipped on the hall light, deciding to check so I'd be able to sleep, and I turned the doorknob slowly, pushing the door open silently.
The light from the hallway fell in a beam across Bella's bedroom, illuminating part of her bed. I saw Edward lying on his back with Bella's head resting on his shoulder. Her arm was thrown across his chest, and his right hand rested on her upper arm. The light caused Bella to stir slightly, and she snuggled into him as his left arm tightened reflexively around her waist, bringing her even closer. His face turned toward hers, his nose settling into her hair as his lips rested against her forehead, almost as if he were kissing her.
I heard a quiet gasp and realized it was mine as I tried to absorb the sight in front of me. I was so fucking confused. No one held Bella while she slept, not even Felix. No one but me.
I closed the door quietly and turned off the hall light, standing in the darkness as my eyes adjusted and I tried to make sense of my conflicted thoughts. I felt a mixture of hurt and jealousy and…rejection. I let myself wallow in my misery for a moment, experiencing all the terrible feelings completely.
Then I tried to push that all away and focus only on the good things for Bella. Edward had not only stayed, he'd apparently known what to do. He'd held Bella and made her comfortable enough to sleep. He had done what he'd stayed to do.
I took a deep breath and pushed my hand through my hair as I walked blindly to my own bedroom. I stripped out of my shirt and pants, not bothering with pajamas as I fell into bed in my boxers. I set my alarm for 10:00 and turned it on before I lay flat on my back and stared at my ceiling, barely visible in the glow from the streetlights outside. My thoughts were in such a tangled snarl that I didn't think there was any way I would be able to sleep.
My exhaustion must have caught up with me because the next thing I knew, daylight was shining weakly in through the windows, and my alarm clock was making that infernal buzzing noise. I slapped at it until it shut up and then lay with my arm stretched above my head, my eyes on the ceiling just as they had been the night before.
Edward slept in Bella's bed.
I was still baffled by that. It had been something that was just ours for so long now. The other guys held her hand, and some – especially Felix – had even held her as she cried. But no one held her as she slept.
I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying to let the jealousy go. I held Alice as she slept…it was only fair that Edward get to hold Bella.
Right?
My jaw clenched as I tried to will the feeling of rejection away. What was messed up was that I really was happy for them. The sight of them there last night had been…moving, honestly. They both had so much shit to deal with right now, and it was pretty cool to see them reaching out to each other that way.
But where do I fit in now?
Not helping.
To top it off, we had several very large, very loud guys showing up in a few hours that were going to make thought impossible over the next few days. Maybe that would be a good thing.
With a groan, I glanced over at my clock.
10:04
I sat up and stretched, sighing before I pushed myself off the bed and pulled on my clothes from last night. When I made it to the hallway, Bella's door was still closed. I stepped toward it and listened, but I didn't hear anything from inside. Were they still asleep?
For a moment, I imagined what would happen if the guys showed up right then. I could just see it…Felix would barrel down the hallway with Jake and Quil on his heels and throw open Bella's door on his way to wake her up…
And find a dazed and confused Edward lying there with his hands on Bella.
I grinned evilly at the thought. It was so tempting. Just to see the look of shock on their faces and the terror that would soon be on Edward's…
But I couldn't do that to Bella. Or Edward.
I realized that second one with a start, and then I smiled when I understood what it meant. Instead of trying to force myself to trust Edward, somewhere in the night, I'd just started doing it.
Maybe I wasn't such an ass after all.
I raised my hand and knocked lightly on her door, calling out softly, "Bells?"
I listened but didn't hear anything for a minute. Finally, footsteps approached the door, too heavy to be Bella's, and I took a step back. The door swung open, and Edward was standing there, his hand scratching the back of his head as he blinked and gave a huge yawn.
I bit back a grin. That was just the confused, sleepy look I'd imagined Felix finding.
I looked past him to Bella, who was sitting up in bed smiling at me. She looked…damn good, actually. She'd had a good night's sleep, and there was no trace of anxiety on her face. Surely she'd told him…right?
Edward's mouth finally closed, and he mumbled, "Sorry," his voice thick with sleep.
I smiled at both of them and said, "Hey, sorry to wake you…it's around ten, Bells."
Bella groaned and flopped back on the bed dramatically, her arms sprawled out above her head. "I have way too much shit to do," she sighed.
Edward and I both chuckled, and I glanced up at him to see a smile on his face as he looked at her. I analyzed it for a second and realized how bright his eyes were. Huh. Alice was right…he really did just fucking love Bella.
Guess it's time to start that whole being nice thing, huh?
I guess…
"Umm…I'm going to go make some coffee, I think. Want some, Edward?" I asked.
It was a kind of crappy start, but at least it was a start.
He smiled and glanced away from Bella for a moment. "Yeah, I could use some coffee…I'll be out in a couple of minutes, okay?"
I bit the inside of my cheek and nodded, turning to walk down the hallway. I heard the door click shut again, and I couldn't decide if what I felt was irrational overprotective dad anger or appropriate best friend brotherly disgust at Bella being behind a closed bedroom door with a now very alert Edward.
As I walked into the kitchen, I glanced at the digital clock on the microwave and started putting the coffee on.
10:07
I leaned against the counter, watching the little green numbers on the microwave as they climbed higher and higher. The coffee was long since done, though I hadn't poured a cup, when I heard Bella's door open again.
The numbers told me it was now 10:24.
A couple of minutes my ass.
That was definitely overprotective dad grumbling now, so I tried to ignore it as Edward walked into the kitchen. He'd obviously washed his face and cleaned up a bit, so I felt a little better about the length of time he'd been in Bella's room, but I was still dying to know what had been going on.
At the same time, I wanted nothing more than to remain blissfully unaware.
Was this how Bella had felt over the years, or was this just some of my weirdness?
I pushed away from the counter and grabbed two mugs from the cabinet, filling them silently. I handed one to Edward before I opened the refrigerator to grab the milk. I poured a bit into my cup and held it out to him questioningly.
He said, "Thanks," and took it, adding the same amount to his mug as well. As he put the milk back, I got a spoon from the silverware drawer and opened the sugar canister, adding a spoonful to my cup.
"Do you take sugar?" I asked.
He said, "Sometimes," and took a spoon from the drawer. He put a single spoonful of sugar into his coffee as well, and we moved to lean against opposite counters as we stirred. At the same time, we tapped our spoons on the rims of our mugs and set them on the counter to take a sip of our coffee.
It was kind of funny, in a creepy sort of way.
I was trying to think of something to say that didn't involve some version of "What are your intentions with my daughter?" but I was coming up blank.
Edward broke the silence, saying, "Bella's taking a shower…"
I nodded, staring ahead as I sipped my coffee.
"Jasper?" His voice drew my gaze, and I saw he'd set his mug on the counter and was looking at me earnestly. He waited until I met his eyes and then said, "I don't know how you fucking did it, but thank you. You must've gone through hell with her. I could barely take hearing about it last night, so I can only imagine the nightmare it must've been when it first happened – and you were only seventeen. I just needed to tell you that you have my complete respect, and I'm sorry I was a jealous ass to you."
I stood there stunned for a moment, not sure if I'd heard what I thought I heard from him. Something in my chest relaxed as I absorbed his words, and I realized that, strangely, it was a little bit of the guilt I always carried. Why would Edward saying he respected me ease some of my guilt?
I didn't know, but if this were the moment for apologies, then there was definitely something I needed to say too. "Don't worry about being an ass…god knows I was a fucking ass to you, too. I'm sorry about that. And you should know that I respect you, too. You've been so patient with Bella – and with me when I was being a jealous prick. I can't imagine how hard it is to fall in love with someone and be kept in the dark, just to find out that all that shit happened to her. Alice was right about you."
He gave me a small smile that I returned before we both picked up our mugs and took a sip of our coffee. That shit was getting weird.
Our mutual admiration society moment passed, and Edward asked about some of the guys who were coming today. I filled him in a bit on each of them, and I told him a couple of stories of the stupid shit we'd done. We were laughing together when Bella came into the kitchen freshly showered. She bit her bottom lip and walked deliberately to Edward, hugging him tightly around the waist as he kissed the top of her head. I smiled at them before Bella stepped back and asked what we wanted for breakfast.
She laughed when I said French toast and then asked what we'd been talking about. I pulled my phone from my pocket and called to invite Alice over for breakfast with us while Edward filled her in. As we stood around and watched her cook, all three of us talking, I realized that – for once – it felt good having Edward there.
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