JOotG Chapter 23 - Ink and Instinct

A/N – I am extremely sorry it's taken me so long to update. I'll spare you any details, but I spent three of the last five weeks traveling, and it wasn't very conducive to writing. I appreciate your patience, and I sincerely appreciate those of you who PM'd to ask if I was okay. Thank you so much for your concern – and for your continued interest in this story!

More A/N at the bottom – for now, let's get to what you came here to read :)

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BPOV

I leaned back on my hands, feeling the rough brick bite into my palms as I sat atop the low wall surrounding the basketball court and watched the guys play. The games had been going on for a couple of hours now, but I was still mesmerized by the way Edward's muscles flexed and relaxed as he blocked Jake's jump shot. The guys had all started out wearing hoodies and sweatpants, but as they'd played, the layers had slowly come off. Edward was now wearing only a pair of Jasper's loose-fitting basketball shorts with one of his Under Armour shirts. The shirt was a thin white baseball jersey with midnight blue sleeves, and because he was a bit bigger than Jasper, it fit just a little too snugly.

Not that I was complaining.

I bit my bottom lip, my eyes focused on him as I vaguely heard the voices of the other girls talking beside me. The white fabric of his shirt was soaked with sweat, rendering it nearly transparent and allowing me to see the definition of his chest once again. His hair was darkened and lying flat against his head, dripping occasionally as he moved. All of it reminded me of the way he'd looked last night as we'd kissed in the rain, and my eyes closed as I sighed softly, imagining his lips on mine once again.

I knew I would always remember that first kiss…the way his hands caressed my cheeks as his lips pressed gently against mine…the juxtaposition of body heat and freezing rain…the mingling of excitement and nervousness and love. I had thought nothing could compare to our soft, sweet kisses beneath the starless sky. Edward had proven me wrong only a short while later in my bedroom.

After the guys had left last night, Jasper had surprised me by asking if he could talk to me. We'd left Alice and Edward standing in the hall and gone to his room, where he'd sat me down with a serious expression and asked if it would be alright if he and Alice spent the night at her apartment. I knew he was just watching out for me, so I tried my best to contain my excitement at the thought of a night alone with Edward. It had been so…freeing…when we'd gone to bed Friday night with no one around. I'd assured him I would be fine.

Jasper gave me a small smile and said quietly, "I know you will be, Bells. I just have to make sure…you know?"

I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder with a soft sigh, a smile playing on my lips. "I know, Jazz. And you know how much I appreciate that, right?"

He nodded and put his arm around me, and we sat that way in silence until he finally squeezed my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. "Alright, time for me to go, silly girl. Behave yourself now."

When I glanced over at him, he winked with a playful twinkle in his eyes, and I had to laugh as I poked his side. "You better behave too," I warned.

His look of astonished innocence made me roll my eyes as we stood up to leave.

We'd found Alice and Edward waiting for us in the living room. Both were wearing bright, happy smiles that prompted my own. I'd felt a twinge of nervousness as Edward and I walked them to the door, but that had quickly faded as soon as the door was locked, and I was once again wrapped up safely in Edward's arms.

Jane's voice jarred me out of my memories as she said, "Looks like Embry's been working out…is that a new tattoo?"

I glanced at her sitting to my left and then followed her gaze, seeing that Embry had now taken off his t-shirt. When he turned to try to steal the ball from Jasper, I saw the tattoo Jane was talking about – it was black and looked like some sort of intricate knotwork on his left pec.

"Yeah, that one's new. He's been talking about it for awhile. I didn't know he finally got it," I said and tilted my head as I studied Embry. He did keep himself in good shape, and he had several other tattoos over various parts of his body, including the tribal piece that covered his bicep and shoulder and ran all the way up his neck to his ear. That one was my favorite, and I'd gone with him to get it. Embry had always indulged my fascination with his body art, even though he teased me whenever I asked to see one of them.

I looked away from Embry, and my eyes immediately found Edward again. This time, he was making a shot with his back to me, and I again noticed a darker spot on his shoulder blade that I'd seen a few times throughout the morning. I'd idly wondered what it was but thought it was just a weird shadow. However, after just checking out Embry's ink, it suddenly hit me.

"Hey…does Edward have a tattoo, Tink?" I blurted out, glancing over at Alice.

Alice nodded. "He and Emmett both got tattoos a couple of years ago. I've never seen Emmett's." Alice trailed off, prompting all three of us to look at her curiously. She watched us in silence with a mischievous grin before she suddenly giggled and said, "It's not somewhere I want to see."

We laughed with her, but Rosalie just arched an eyebrow and said, "Oh, this I have to see…" as her head swung back around to watch Emmett.

My mind drifted as I listened to the others talking, and I quietly made the same resolution.

This I have to see, I thought as I watched Edward play. The guys were all playing hard, and he and Jake seemed to be especially physical, bumping into each other as they fought for the ball. I thought about the fact that Edward would have to take his shirt off for me to see his tattoo, and I felt my cheeks heat. I considered how I felt about that, paying particular attention to the way my pulse and breathing sped, and it wasn't long before I realized I was excited by the thought. There was a twinge of fear there, but it seemed to be simply nervousness rather than fear of Edward.

I smiled and leaned back once more, letting my eyes close as I mentally prepared myself for being close to him again – this time, hopefully, with him shirtless. He had been so slow and careful with me, and I was beginning to worry that he would always have to be cautious, but last night had shown me that, even though I still felt irrational fear at times, we were able to be more relaxed than we had been. It was such a liberating realization, and I still hadn't quite absorbed all its implications.

After Jasper and Alice had left and we were alone, I'd walked down the hallway several feet in front of Edward. This time, we weren't touching, and the loss of contact made it harder to remember that he was the one following me. I focused on keeping my feet moving at a steady pace, even when I felt a pang of panic. Edward had done nothing to earn my fear, and I was determined to become as comfortable with him as I was with Jasper.

Once or twice, I'd nearly turned around, but I just kept going, working to relax the knot of tension in my shoulders. By the time I reached my bedroom, the strange high I'd been riding ever since I'd overcome my fear and kissed Edward had taken over. With abandon, I'd giggled as I dashed across my room and hopped onto my bed.

Edward stood watching me in the doorway, so I playfully patted the bed beside me. At first, he took a few slow steps, but then his face broke into a huge grin as he jumped onto the bed with me. He tickled me mercilessly, and I was left gasping for breath before he stopped.

My hair was a mess, tangled across my face, and I beamed up at him as he brushed it aside. There were no thoughts in my mind as Edward leaned over, kissing me tenderly. For the first time, there was only desire. Want. Need. I brought him closer to me, pulling his body against mine as my hand found the back of his head. His left hand moved to my waist, meeting my bare skin just above my hip. Edward moaned softly as his thumb began making gentle circles on my belly, and the sound and sensation were almost too much…but I just wanted more. I pressed myself closer to him as my other hand began tracing lines along his back and my lips pressed more urgently against his. Still, I wanted even more. I wanted to taste him.

Instinct took over as the tip of my tongue met his bottom lip, and I almost sighed when he froze. I needed this. I needed him. Before I could grow too frustrated, Edward was again in motion as he moved closer to me and his tongue softly met mine. We both moaned, and the sound broke me out of the fog of desire I'd lost myself in.

Suddenly, I was unsure what to do. It had been so long since I'd kissed anyone this way, and it seemed awkward and forced. I was over-thinking it, trying to figure out if I was doing it right. But as Edward's lips and tongue and taste and the fluttery feeling of his breath against my cheek began to dominate my senses, I found myself kissing him in earnest. Both my hands were in his hair, keeping him close as my yearning again took over.

I wasn't sure how long we kissed that way, but when Edward's arm around my waist pulled me closer, I wanted still more. Pressing against him gently, I shifted us so that I was lying partially on top of him, and I relished the feeling of his strong, firm body beneath mine. He kept me moving, so that I was finally lying atop him with one of my thighs between his. Once more, I felt the tell-tale hardness pressed against my hip, but instead of frightening me this time, it excited me. When Edward's hands gripped my hips and he thrust against me in response to our contact, I felt a strange surge of pride.

I had done this to him.

And I wasn't afraid.

More.

I didn't really know what more to do, but I knew I wanted to keep going. For the first time in longer than I cared to remember, I felt lust rather than fear, and I wanted to keep that feeling alive.

Edward pulled back, his lips breaking away from mine as he whispered hoarsely, "We should probably go to sleep…"

I expressed my exasperation with a small grunt before what I was doing flooded my mind. I was taunting Edward, making all of this even harder for him than it needed to be. I don't know what I'd thought I was doing, but I had definitely lost control and was being steered by the euphoria I felt at making such progress. I really wasn't ready for all of it yet, and Edward – once again – was looking out for me, working so hard to control his own desire. It was unfair to him, so I slid off of him with a quiet, "Sorry…"

As always, he'd refused to let me wallow in my remorse, leading us to one of those extremely honest, sometimes awkward and embarrassing conversations I was beginning to love about us. We'd talked about desire and kisses, and he'd made me feel precious and special. He had talked about how our first kiss meant something to him and that the feeling was something he'd forgotten. Of all the words he'd said, I had been most touched when he said, "Thank you, Bella, for bringing that feeling…that meaning back into my life. I feel alive every time I kiss you…hell, every time I touch you or you smile at me, and I've felt nothing at all for so long now. You give me so much, and you make me so happy, and I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am."

My mind was still focused on our night together, and I was at first annoyed and then alarmed when I heard masculine voices yelling at each other. I sat up straight, opening my eyes. I saw Jacob shove Edward just before Edward shoved him back, and I muttered, "Fuck!" as I hopped down off the wall. I took a step toward them, but Rosalie moved forward and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Hang on," she said. "They've got to get this shit settled sometime."

I frowned and raised my hand, biting my thumbnail as I shifted my weight from foot to foot. I couldn't tell what the two of them were saying, but they were arguing about something with the game. After the way Jake had been acting over the last couple of days, though, I had a feeling that the real problem was something else.

At once, Felix and Jasper both stepped between them, Jasper pushing Edward back lightly with a hand on his chest while Felix twisted the front of Jake's shirt in his fist. He pulled Jake off to the side and started talking to him in a low voice with an angry look on his face while Emmett, Jasper, and Embry circled around Edward. I watched as Edward frowned and argued briefly before Embry made some sort of joke, and Edward finally cracked a smile. He shook his head, and the four of them stood there for a little longer, talking and laughing before they walked over to us in a group.

My eyes were drawn to Edward, and my breathing hitched as he walked my way, making me roll my eyes at myself.

Fucking hell, Bella. You'd think you've never seen a man sweat before.

Not one that looks like that I haven't…

And definitely not with the way he's looking at me now.

I resisted the impulse to fan myself like some goddamn Southern belle in an old movie. Instead, I just smiled and grabbed a bottle of water, twisting off the cap and holding it out for him when he came close. He took it from me and threw his head back, draining the whole thing at once while I indulged myself in staring at the way his Adam's apple bobbed and his bicep flexed.

"Thanks," he said, and the breathless quality in his voice made me bite my bottom lip.

As I watched, he reached over his head and grabbed the back of his shirt just beneath the neck. He pulled it off and used it to wipe the sweat from his face and arms, then scrubbed it through his hair before he stepped to the side to put it on the wall a few feet away from me. He moved back in front of me with a grin on his face, and it seemed his annoyance was gone.

My curiosity wasn't, though, so I asked, "What was that about?"

Edward grimaced and shrugged. "Jake thought I was guarding him too closely, and he got pissed off." The look in his eyes said he didn't believe it, and I didn't either. I frowned.

He smiled at me in understanding and said, "It's fine, really. Jasper's going to cover him, and I'm going to take Embry."

I made a face and nodded with a sigh before we both turned to look at the others standing near us. I saw that the other guys had taken their shirts off as well, but what I noticed more than that was that I felt…nothing…when I looked at them. They were active guys, and they all had good builds. They were in shape. I knew they were attractive. They just weren't to me.

I took a moment, studying each of them in turn to see if I could figure out the difference between Edward and the rest of them.

Jasper was tall and slender, but he was well-muscled, mostly in his arms and shoulders from the carpentry work he enjoyed doing when he had time. He had a long, thin scar that began just to the left of his navel and disappeared beneath his shorts, and the contrast between the lighter scar and his tanned abdomen was interesting. I knew it would draw most eyes.

Not mine.

I shrugged and turned to look at Embry, once again noticing the tattoo that covered his shoulder. It was definitely my favorite feature of his, but I appreciated it in an abstract art sort of way. His skin was a deep woodsy brown that always seemed warm, and he was tall with a strong, solid frame.

Nothing.

Shifting my eyes to Emmett, I realized this was the first time I'd seen him without a shirt as well. He was taller than Edward, but his stocky build made him seem shorter. His arms were ridiculously huge, and the time he'd spent at the gym with Edward ensured that his torso was easily as muscular. He had a cute grin with adorable dimples, and his eyes were always bright and mischievous.

Not a damn thing.

But just glancing at Edward again, I reflexively bit my bottom lip as I took in the sight of his bare chest for the first time. The hours he spent working out had obviously done him good, as he was lean and toned. His entire upper body was a mass of muscles and tanned flesh given definition in the way his biceps bulged and the rippling six-pack that ended just above his shorts, which were low enough to reveal the deep V of his abdomen. He was still covered in a light sheen of sweat, and my lips parted at the mere thought of tasting him again.

Abruptly, I realized I was simply gaping at him and forced my eyes to travel back up to his face. He was watching me with a crooked grin, and I felt my cheeks heat as I smiled at him shyly. He winked at me playfully, making my heart skip.

Cocky, isn't he?

I loved it. I grinned in return, and he reached out, squeezing my hand. Just then, Jake and Felix walked back out onto the basketball court, and the other guys turned to join them. As he was walking away, I managed to get a closer look at the tattoo on Edward's right shoulder blade and was surprised at what I saw.

Transformers?

Wait…Decepticons?

"Hey, Rose?" I said, interrupting the conversation going on beside me. If anyone would know that symbol, Rose would. Transformers had been her favorite cartoon since we were kids and she realized the robots turned into cars.

"What's up, Bella?" she answered, and I tore my eyes away from Edward's retreating back to look over at her sitting on the wall.

I nodded my head toward him and said, "Can you tell what that symbol is on Edward's back?"

She leaned forward, resting the palms of her hands on the edge of the wall as she peered at him. "Huh," she said. "Well, what do ya know? Eddie-boy's got a darker side. I would've pegged him for an Autobots kind of guy."

"Decepticons, right?" I asked, and she nodded with a smirk. I frowned slightly and leaned back again, relaxing as I watched the game. I would've been sure he'd go for the Autobots too.

A mystery…

Even more reason to get him alone and half-naked.

I blushed at my own thought.

What? You know you want to.

I shook my head, trying to clear it of the uncharacteristic thoughts. So far, I was really proud of the way I'd been able to be with Edward, but part of me felt dread. I hoped that there was no need for it, but I'd spent so many years dealing with the residual terror that I didn't truly believe it was gone for good. All I could do was take things slowly, trust Edward, and work on getting through it with him.

With a soft sigh, I frowned, but I wasn't able to give in to those darker thoughts because I heard Jane ask, "Alice?"

Something in the tone of her voice immediately put my back up, so I straightened and looked over at her, only to find that she was staring at Jasper appraisingly. She was lightly biting the end of her index finger, and I saw Alice's eyes narrow as she glared at Jane.

Oh, fuck.

"Yes?" Alice said curtly. I had never heard such a flat tone in her voice. Rosalie and I exchanged glances over Alice's head, and we both slipped down off the wall. Rose crossed her arms in front of her chest and arched an eyebrow, but it was lost on Jane, whose attention was focused wholly on Jasper.

In an absent, breathless voice, Jane said, "Tell me…does Jasper still like it when you lick that scar all the way down?"

"Jane!" Rosalie's voice joined mine in one appalled chorus as Alice dropped down off the wall and walked deliberately toward Jane. Her face was purple with rage, and her hands were clenched into fists by her thighs.

Alice's voice quavered with the force of her anger as she said, "That is none of your fucking business!"

I blinked and looked at Rosalie, who was staring at me with a wide-eyed expression of disbelief that mirrored mine. We both stayed where we were, frozen in place as we listened to Alice tear into Jane.

"I have had enough of your disgusting insinuations. I am done watching you eyefuck Jasper every single time I look at you. I've tried being nice, but you've been nothing but a nasty bitch to me since you got here. I told Jasper not to say anything to you about it, but that's it. I'm through." Alice's voice, which had started out as a low, trembling threat became hard and cold by the end. Her chin was lifted, and she seemed to tower over Jane despite her smaller stature. Her eyes were raging with fury and disdain.

Jane looked shocked, and she sputtered, "That…that's not what I…I never!"

Alice's eyes widened in disbelief, but I barely registered that fact as my own rage surfaced. "Oh, don't even try to say you haven't been fucking drooling over Jasper and trying to provoke Alice since you got here." My voice was laced with contempt as I shot Jane a withering look. She opened her mouth to speak again, but I cut her off. "Look, Jasper's taken. He loves Alice. And you will respect her, or you can fucking leave."

Jane stared at me incredulously before her eyes narrowed to slits. She huffed indignantly and then turned on her heel and stalked off toward our apartment, her gait stiff and every inch of her radiating anger.

The three of us stood in silence, watching her leave. I was the first to move, and when I glanced at Alice, I saw her eyes filling with tears. I frowned. "Hey," I said, "don't let her get to you."

Rosalie took her hand, and Alice shook her head, wiping her cheeks with her other hand. "I'm not upset…I'm…I'm fucking…pissed!"

I felt the grin spread on my face, and a stunned chuckle burst out of me. Alice frowned at me, making me laugh harder. I finally said, "Damn, Tink…I didn't even know you knew how to use that word. I'm impressed."

Alice glared at me for just a moment before one corner of her mouth turned up into a crooked smile that reminded me intensely of her brother. She angrily scrubbed away the fresh tears that spilled onto her cheeks, unable to control the flood of emotions coursing through her. I knew how she felt, and I hated that feeling.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jane emerge from my apartment with Paul, and I worked to distract Alice as they got into Jane's car and pulled away. "Honestly, though," I began, "she's not worth worrying about. She's just being a bitch because she's never had any competition for these guys."

Alice rolled her eyes and glanced pointedly between Rosalie and me. Rose laughed and said, "Seriously…no interest at all. Ever."

"And well, you know my umm…situation…" I bit my bottom lip, hating to bring it up even indirectly. Alice gave me an understanding look and squeezed my hand. I'd given Jasper the go ahead to tell her after I'd told Edward, but I wasn't really sure what she knew yet since I hadn't had a chance to talk to him afterward. I shrugged, shaking off the uncomfortable feelings. "So Jane's used to have the captive audience all to herself. She knows better than to pick on either of us…I think she was taking out her frustration on you."

Alice still looked disgruntled – and with good reason – so I joked, "Obviously she chose the wrong pixie to pick on, huh?"

Eyes narrowing, Alice reached out and pinched the shit out of my arm. I twisted away, laughing as I rubbed it. "Damn it!"

She finally smiled and then exhaled in an annoyed huff. "Why the hell is she around anyway? Is she always like this?"

I shrugged and glanced at Rosalie, who wrinkled her nose and rolled her eyes. Finally, she sighed and said, "No, she's usually not this bad. She's always…"

"Gross," I supplied, making Rose grin.

"Well, yes," she continued. "She's always a little too…affectionate, if you can call it that, with a couple of the guys, but it's never really been an issue. All consenting parties, you know? But now that you've taken away her favorite target, she's playing dirty."

"Or trying to," I added with a smirk. "Clearly not having any luck there. Not only does Jasper ignore her, but you fucking put her in her place."

Alice frowned. "I still don't get it. She's not very nice, and she obviously makes some of the guys uncomfortable. Why is she here?"

"Well…" I began. "She's mainly around because of Alex, I guess."

"But why's Alex here? He doesn't exactly fit in either." Alice's annoyance was beginning to give way to curiosity, and we all three slowly moved back toward the wall. I hopped up on it again, while Rose and Alice leaned back against it. I noticed that the guys had stopped playing and were watching us, but as I glanced over at them, Edward passed the ball to Emmett, and the game began again. Jasper stood still a moment longer, his eyes finding mine. I nodded, letting him know Alice was okay, and he nodded in return before rejoining the game.

I smiled. "Alex is awesome, actually. He's really an amazing role player, and he's a lot of fun. He just sort of…smokes a little too much sometimes."

Rosalie snickered. "That's all true. But that's not why Alex is part of the group."

I groaned as she gave me a wicked smile. "Rose…"

Both of Alice's eyebrows were raised, her eyes wide, as she said, "What do you mean?"

Feeling the heat on my cheeks, I exhaled loudly and rolled my eyes. "I had some classes with Alex in tenth grade. He'd just moved to Forks, and I felt bad that he didn't know anyone, so I sat next to him and talked to him. And umm…well…I sort of had a crush on him. So when I found out he liked D&D, I invited him to play with us." I shrugged. "He asked if he could bring his twin sister, and it just kind of went from there."

"Jane's usually okay," Rosalie interjected. "I mean, she's always a little weird, but she's normally pretty funny. I think she actually did care about Jasper, and that's turned her into a raging bitch around you, apparently."

"Wonderful," Alice muttered.

"Don't let it get to you," I said again. "She'll come around eventually. I'm sure she's gone off with Paul to ehh…deal…with things."

"Oh, ugh. Seriously, Bella. Must you give me that visual?" Rosalie shuddered and moved to sit on the wall again. After a moment, Alice joined us, and we sat in silence as we watched the guys play again. They had to be getting tired – the sun was nearly directly overhead, and they'd started playing just after a sunrise breakfast. I was watching a scuffle between Felix and Emmett over the ball when Rosalie spoke up quietly, almost timidly.

"Emmett's taking me out on a date this afternoon."

Game forgotten, both Alice and I looked at her. I felt the slow grin forming on my lips as Alice let out a muffled squeal and babbled, "Oh my god! That's so exciting! Where are you going? When did he ask you? Oh, no! What are you going to wear? Do we have time to do your hair?" Suddenly, she gasped and put a hand over her mouth. "Have you kissed yet?"

Rose just laughed and shook her head, waiting for the torrent to slow. When Alice trailed off, she answered. "He just asked me last night…he said he tried to wait, but he just couldn't anymore." A very uncharacteristic blush bloomed on Rosalie's cheeks as she glanced back over at the game. She bit the inside of her cheek to stop her smile, her gaze still on Emmett. "And no, we haven't kissed. He wants to do things the right way."

Not content to leave it at that, Alice and I pushed for details, and soon Rose was telling us all about how Emmett had come to the hotel every day since they met. They'd spent a lot of time talking and holding hands, and they always parted with a hug. She said they'd talked about everything they could think of. They got along really well, and she'd been surprised by how much they had in common. Apparently, they'd been arguing about whether the Dodge Coronet or the Charger was the better Super Bee when Emmett suddenly asked her out.

It had been a long time since I'd seen Rosalie's eyes as alive as they were, and I loved the smile on her face. The smile Emmett had put there. I'd have to thank him.

"We don't have a lot of time before the game tonight, so we're going out for sushi and then for a walk. He said that talking to me was his favorite thing to do, so he wanted to make sure there was plenty of time for that on our date."

As the chorus of "aww" was still drifting in the air, I realized how natural it all seemed – and how strange it really should have felt. Normally, I would have been inside while the boys played basketball, preparing for the session tonight and waiting for one of them to come in with a bloody nose or scraped elbows. But with Edward's help, I was all set for the game. Besides, it felt great to be out here instead, watching them play and squealing excitedly over dates with Rosalie and Alice.

I liked it.

And I found that I wanted to take part in it.

"Hey," I began cautiously. "Umm…I need some advice."

The other two paused in their chatter about what Rosalie should wear that afternoon and glanced over at me with smiles. "What's wrong, Bella?" Alice asked when I didn't say anything else.

I was suddenly nervous about what I wanted to ask, and I took a deep breath to try to calm myself. Wearing an embarrassed grin, I cleared my throat and had to look away from them, focusing once again on Edward as he played. "Well, I ahh…I kind of want to umm…" I bit my bottom lip. "To be alone with…Edward…for a little while. But it's always so crowded around here now, and I don't really want to just…drag him off to my bedroom in front of everyone or…" I trailed off, feeling the heat all the way from my neck to my ears.

My blush deepened when Alice giggled, but she said, "Oh, that's easy."

I looked at her quickly, arching an eyebrow. "It is?"

"Yeah." It was Rose who answered. "Just ask him if you can go with him when he goes to take a shower today." She shrugged.

My eyes widened. "Huh."

They both laughed softly, and Rosalie winked at me, saying, "You're just not quite devious enough yet, Bella. You'll get there."

"I don't want to be devious." I frowned, thinking of the way Edward valued honesty so highly.

"Trust me. Edward wouldn't mind you being devious if it means you're alone with him at his apartment." Alice wrinkled her nose.

"Oh, whatever," I joked, my heart suddenly lighter. "You don't get to make that face. I've been gagging around you and Jasper for months now."

Rosalie joined in, and soon the three of us were teasing each other mercilessly. At first, we didn't even notice when the game ended, but sooner than I expected, I was aware of Edward approaching me. He was breathing heavily and wearing nothing but his shoes, Jasper's shorts, and a devilish grin that left me breathless as well.

"Hi," I said stupidly. I laughed at myself and shook my head, trying to clear it. Reaching for another bottle of water, I opened it and handed it to him as we stared at each other in silence while the conversations of the others surrounded us.

After he'd drained the bottle, he smiled at me with a soft, "Hi," of his own. He handed the empty bottle back to me, and I capped it, adding it to our bag of trash. When I glanced back up at him, he was standing a little closer, and I saw his eyes flicker to my lips as he licked his own. He kept his distance, though, and I wondered why. We hadn't really kissed since early this morning, when we'd exchanged a few sweet good morning pecks. I wasn't quite sure how that new development was going to fit into our relationship – I wondered if maybe Edward was unsure too.

All the more reason to get him alone.

Yeah, we definitely need to talk.

Umm…right. Talk. Yes, that's what I meant.

"Dude, I told you we were gonna school you!" Emmett's triumphant voice drew my gaze, and I giggled at him. He was practically strutting, taunting Felix, who just watched him with a grin. Embry and Jake had disappeared, but Felix and Emmett were settling the terms of the bet.

"Yeah, yeah…you got us." Felix's smile was easy and amused. "Lucky you had Cullen, though, because your sorry ass would've never made that three-pointer at the end."

Emmett threw back his head and laughed exuberantly, and I missed what he said as I turned to Edward. "You made a three-pointer and won the game?"

He nodded. "Yeah, you didn't see it?" As I shook my head, his face fell and his lower lip actually poked out a bit.

So fucking cute.

Just want to bite it.

Wait. What?

My only answer was a small giggle.

I reached out, my fingers curling under his chin as my thumb traced that pouty lower lip lightly. I smiled at him softly and whispered, "Sorry…I was actually umm…well, getting some advice from Rosalie and Alice."

Edward kissed my thumb before he took my hand, lowering it between us. His smile returned, though it wasn't as bright as before. "What sort of advice did you need?"

I bit my bottom lip and watched him for a moment before I decided to just tell him the truth. My heart fluttered as I admitted, "Well…I needed advice on how to find some time…with you…umm…a…alone…"

His smile faded before blossoming into that delicious crooked grin that I loved. He leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss on my forehead. His lips had that strange coolness that comes only from sweating and exertion, and I found myself wanting to pull him closer and taste the salt on his skin. He didn't make it any easier for me, his lips brushing against my skin as he whispered, "All you ever have to do is ask."

He stayed close for a moment longer, and when he pulled away, we were both smiling. Squeezing my hand, he helped me down from the wall, and we talked to everyone else for a few minutes, making arrangements for the rest of the day. Because his team lost the game, Felix was paying for Chinese to be delivered at 4:00, which was when we were all due back to start our gaming session. The guys were going to the hotel in the meantime to clean up and relax a bit, while Rosalie and Emmett were going on their date. I shyly told Jasper that I was going back to Edward's for the afternoon, and he flashed Edward a meaningful look before he nodded to me.

Time seemed to speed up, and before I knew it, I was sitting in Edward's Volvo. He was beside me atop the towels spread out in the driver's seat, and we were zooming through the streets of Seattle back to his apartment. A comfortable silence filled the car, broken at times by Edward's alluring voice as he sang softly with whatever happened to be playing.

As Audioslave ended and I heard the next song begin, I broke into an amused smile. When Edward sang, "I like the way your sparkling earrings lay against your skin, it's so brown," I finally laughed quietly. He looked over at me with a grin. "What?"

I snickered. "'Set this fucker off' to 'Peaceful, Easy Feeling' without a pause? I thought I was the only one with completely unpredictable playlists."

Edward chuckled and shrugged. We talked about music for the rest of the drive. It was a subject that had come up several times before, and this time we focused on our favorite bands of the 70's. We were debating the merits of Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin when we pulled up to Edward's complex, and he parked the car.

The sudden silence was deafening. We watched each other for a moment before he cleared his throat and said, "So…we're here…"

"Yeah…I guess…" I answered, swallowing as I glanced at his door and my nerves decided to make their presence known. When I looked back at Edward, he was wearing such a look of concern that I couldn't help but smile tenderly.

What the fuck am I nervous about? This is Edward.

When there was no argument from any of my other voices, I grinned and took his hand, winking as I said, "Come on."

Flashing me a quick smile, Edward climbed out of the car and grabbed the towels before he shut the door. By the time I'd unfastened my seatbelt, he was already opening my door, and I had to smile at the way his speed revealed his excitement at being alone with me as well. It helped calm my nerves as I slipped my hand into his.

Once we were inside, Edward tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter, and I followed behind him as he wandered into the living room. He squeezed my fingers before dropping my hand and saying, "Do you want anything to drink?"

I shook my head and shifted my feet a little awkwardly, wondering what to do now. Edward ran his fingers through his hair and then looked me directly in the eye as he said softly, "Make yourself at home, Bella."

Biting my bottom lip, I lowered my chin and smiled up at him through my eyelashes, finding myself a little bashful at the implication of his words. Like so many times before, he lifted my chin with a quiet smile. He breathed, "You are so beautiful," and gently placed his lips against mine, his hand moving to cup my cheek. We watched each other in silence, our faces scant inches apart, before he straightened and cleared his throat. He told me he was going to take a shower and that he meant what he said – I was free to do whatever I wanted.

I watched as he disappeared into his room without closing the door. I heard the sounds of drawers opening and closing, and then I saw him cross the doorway again, going into his bathroom. That door closed with the click of the lock, and I grinned as the water was turned on. Before doing anything else, I stepped on the heels of my shoes, pulling them off and leaving them by the couch.

I stood in the center of his living room, undecided, before my eyes fell on his entertainment center. There was something freeing about being in his apartment unsupervised, but it left me feeling a little bit mischievous as well. I realized I really could go through anything I wanted without him knowing it. Instead of taking advantage of that, though, I decided to just enjoy – and earn - the trust he was placing in me.

I'd already looked through his DVDs and games, so I moved toward the wooden shelves filled with CD cases and began reading the titles as I hummed to myself happily. I was surprised to find that Edward was extremely organized, with his CDs being filed by genre and then alphabetically. His jazz collection was extensive, and I didn't recognize most of those titles, though I liked the ones I knew. I smiled broadly at his Grunge selection but noticed Pearl Jam's Vitalogy was conspicuously absent. I shook my head and made a mental note to fix that – no library was completely without "Better Man."

After looking through the rest of his collections from classical to classic rock, I moved over to check out his DVDs again, wondering if they were just as organized. I'd been a little too preoccupied the last time I'd been at his apartment to pay much attention. Not surprisingly, they were, and I found myself grinning a bit as I saw his selection of musicals stuck between the classics and dramas. He also had a small but impressive assortment of anime DVDs, including the newly released Death Note boxed set I'd already asked Jasper to get me as a Christmas gift.

The boy has good taste.

As I straightened again, I realized I wasn't sure how long Edward had already been in the shower, so I abandoned his media collection and took a look around the rest of the room. It seemed bare for some reason. I'd noticed the empty mantle before, but I hadn't quite realized the extent of it. There were no pictures anywhere. No framed paintings, no posters, no family pictures…nothing.

The barren walls and mantle stood in stark contrast to the warm woods, soft leather, and inviting upholstery of the rest of the room. It didn't seem right. I wondered why Edward had never bothered putting any pictures out – maybe he just liked it this way. I really didn't think that was the case, though I couldn't say why…and I couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever put a picture of me in here.

Pursing my lips, I took a last look around his living room and stuck my hands in my pockets. I rocked back and forth on my heels a couple of times, wondering if I should check out his kitchen…or his bedroom.

In the end, curiosity got the best of me, and my feet carried me toward Edward's bedroom before I even knew I'd made a decision. Once I got there, I peeked through the open doorway, looking left and right. The water was still running in the bathroom, so I finally bit my bottom lip and stepped through cautiously. I tiptoed to the center of his room and glanced into his closet, grinning stupidly at the sight of his clothes hanging there and the row of shoes lined up neatly at the bottom. The shirt on the end was some sort of short-sleeved white cotton jersey, and I could see thick letters spelling out "CUL" before the rest was blocked by the wall.

Unable to resist, I moved to the closet and pushed the shirt back so I could see "CULLEN" spelled out in purple block letters edged in yellow. My lips curved into a small smile as I shifted the shirt to look at the front, where I found "WASHINGTON" emblazoned across the chest with a number "8" below the final "N." I lifted the bottom of the jersey, pressing it against my face as I inhaled the clean fragrance of Edward's detergent and the faint, lingering scent of sandalwood. The cotton was soft from many washings, and I found myself thinking about how comfortable it would be.

Biting my bottom lip, I smiled quietly as I adjusted the clothes back to their original positions and looked around the closet. There were a few boxes on the top shelf, but there was none of the dust or clutter I'd come to expect from Jasper's closet.

Definitely neat.

As I made my way back into Edward's room, I glanced around, noting once more the lack of pictures on the walls. His bedroom was very Spartan, with only a dresser, a bed, and a nightstand, all in smooth black cherry with clean lines. The headboard was tall and rectangular with carved vertical lines, and all of the pieces were on thin, round legs. The hardware was simple polished nickel, and a slender lamp fitted with a tan shade stood on top of the nightstand next to an alarm clock. Piled haphazardly beside the clock were several comic books, and I gave a nearly silent giggle when I saw them. They just seemed so at odds with the rest of the tidy apartment.

I moved around the bed to see which they were and caught sight of a laundry basket full of folded clothes sitting on the floor. I don't know why, exactly, but I loved seeing it there. It was almost as if the presence of laundry was tangible proof that Edward lived here. He ate and slept here, got dressed here, studied here…and now he'd invited me here.

You mean, he didn't object when you invited yourself here.

Same thing.

Umm…no, not really.

Shut up.

I heard a mental snicker and shrugged to myself as I navigated around the basket and sat on the edge of Edward's bed. The comforter was soft down, lighter and fluffier than the old, heavy quilt I preferred to use at my place. I began looking through the comics, mumbling quietly, "Batman, Batman, Spiderman…" That one brought a grin. "Avengers…ooh, Watchmen!" I slipped the graphic novel out from beneath the others and began flipping through it, reacquainting myself as I looked for Rorschach's story – it had always fascinated me.

Finding chapter six, I began reading and was very soon completely absorbed in the story. The raspy voice I always assigned to Rorschach in my head was just saying, "Once a man has seen, he can never turn his back on it, never pretend it doesn't exist," when a very different, melodic voice murmured, "Brushing up for the movie?"

I jumped a bit, snapping the book closed as I turned to see Edward standing in the doorway of his bathroom. He was leaning against the frame with a lazy grin, and it was almost embarrassing how quickly my eyes drifted downward. He was wearing a light gray v-neck t-shirt that fit him well, subtly emphasizing the sculpted torso I'd now seen uncovered – and hoped to again within a matter of minutes. Resting low on his hips were dark wash jeans that were well-worn with a series of holes scattered around. As I watched, he lifted one arm over his head, allowing me a glimpse of green boxers peeking over the waist of his pants before my gaze rose to follow the movement. He ran his fingers through his hair before somewhat self-consciously scratching the back of his neck, and I smiled when I caught sight of the leather cuff watch around his wrist. He hadn't shaved, and I gave a happy internal sigh at the way his stubble darkened his jaw.

As soon as my eyes met his, he pushed away and came over to sit a few feet away, facing me with one knee pulled up on the bed. I put the book back on the nightstand, finally finding my voice. "Oh, yeah…I sort of love Rorschach. I guess you were getting ready for the movie, too?" As I spoke, I moved to close the distance between us, shifting closer so that our knees touched.

Edward smiled and reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear as he nodded. "Will you go with me to see it?"

His question came out of nowhere, and I blinked, saying the first thing that came to mind. "But it doesn't come out for months…"

He raised an eyebrow with an impish grin. "And? Planning to leave me so soon?"

I bit my bottom lip, shaking my head slowly. "Well, when you put it that way…I'd love to…" I trailed off, my eyes drifting to his lips as he took my hand. The silence between us lengthened, prompting me to look back up into his eyes. The green was bright today with shades of dark malachite and lighter jade mixed within the emerald. His face was relaxed and his lips curved into the slightest hint of a smile, but still he stayed away.

A bit unnerved, I squeezed his hand and said, "So…umm…" and then wracked my brain, trying to think of something to talk about. We'd never really had this sort of strained weirdness before, and I knew it was because all I wanted to do was pull him back on the bed and kiss him until he wouldn't let me anymore. "Oh…"

"Oh?" he asked, a soft, playful smile now on his lips that matched the slightly mischievous glimmer in his eyes.

"Oh, I was just going to say that I didn't know you had a tattoo. I saw it today when you umm…took your shirt off…" I felt the faint blush on my cheeks as I remembered how Edward had looked in the weak sunlight this morning.

If he thought the change of subject was odd, he didn't say anything, just nodded. "Yeah, I got it a couple of years ago. It doesn't bother you, does it?"

"No," I answered definitively with a grin. "I love them actually. Can umm…can I see yours? I didn't really get a good look this morning." I felt devious, knowing full well what his tattoo looked like, and I mentally cursed Rose for putting that word in my head.

He smiled and stood, reaching back over his head before he suddenly paused and said, "Oh. Is it alright if I take my shirt off? It's easier to see that way."

That's kind of the point.

I refrained from rolling my eyes as I nodded my agreement. He quickly removed his shirt, tossing it onto the bed as he ran his fingers through his damp hair. Before I could completely appreciate the sight of him bare-chested again, he'd turned around, and I was faced with his smooth back instead.

I took a step toward him, raising my chin. The fragrance of sandalwood and vanilla was strong, just like it was when he showered at the gym, and my eyes closed as I inhaled deeply. I breathed out a sigh of contentment and opened my eyes again, focusing on Edward's tattoo. I realized I was wrong – I hadn't known exactly what it looked like.

The Decepticons symbol was there, outlined in black and filled with blue fading into purple, just as I'd seen earlier, but there was also lettering above it. I whispered as I read, "Clarity of thought before rashness of action…" and my hand moved of its own accord, fingertips ghosting across the words. Edward shivered at my touch, a slight shake of his shoulders. I smiled to myself and let my fingers trail along the edge of the design, enjoying this silent moment where I could sense the effect I had on him.

Finally, I said, "So why did you get it?"

I meant that particular tattoo, but Edward shook his head, his back still to me as he said, "Stupid bet with Emmett our senior year…we both got cartoon tattoos." There was amusement in his voice, and then he laughed. "Just be glad I won. Emmett has Hello Kitty tattooed on his ass."

"He has what?" I asked, laughing with Edward.

He snickered. "Yeah, it's right in the middle of his damn cheek and everything. Goddamn Hello Kitty wearing a cape with stars and shit. His fault for making the bet." I watched the movement of the muscles in his shoulders as he shrugged and then chuckled again.

Amused, I said, "So what was the bet anyway?"

I was surprised when Edward just froze, his laughter cutting off instantly. I swore I heard him whisper, "Fuck," but he didn't say anything else for too long. Then he slowly turned around to face me, his eyes finding mine as I registered the sadness there. My heart clenched at that look, and I knew I didn't want to hear the answer.

His jaw flexed once before he said quietly, "They both went home with me."

I waited for the rest, confused as to what he meant. When the significance of his words finally hit me, my eyes widened. I felt as if it had been a physical blow to the gut, leaving me breathless as a soft, "Oh…" escaped my lips.

Pain joined the sadness in Edward's eyes, and his hand twitched at his side before he carefully made it into a tight fist and kept it there. He held my gaze as he whispered, "I told you I wasn't a very nice guy."

I didn't know how to answer as I was suddenly sinking into a sea of images – lips that weren't mine on his, two pairs of hands with blood red fingernails trailing along his skin, his quiet moan calling out someone else's name as she bit his shoulder – and I closed my eyes, trying to stop them from coming. I bit the insides of both my cheeks, willing it all away, and I felt that all-too-familiar despair. Not only was I bothered by the thought of Edward with someone else, I again was faced with that doubt – what if I never could be with him in that way?

Silence was heavy in the room, and I stood there, working to breathe evenly. Through my own insecurities, I began to worry about Edward, standing there while I tried not to fall apart. How was this fair to him? The bet had been years ago…he'd changed. I knew that. Alice had even worried that he was asexual and just not interested in anyone. But he'd chosen me. And god damn it, I would be with him in every way. I'd already come so far. What the fuck was stopping me?

My eyes opened slowly, my gaze focused on Edward's chest. I raised them gradually to find his eyes, and I was taken aback by the worry and fear I saw there. It stunned me to realize that he was frightened too.

"Don't be afraid," I said softly, though I knew the words would sound strange given the context. I could tell, though, that he was afraid - of what, I wasn't sure, but his admission scared him, and there was no reason for that. My voice was tremulous as I continued. "It's okay…"

"I'm not that guy anymore, Bella," he said, his eyes begging me to understand.

"I know," was my simple reply. He still look tormented, so I whispered, "It's just part of your past, Edward…it's not who you are."

He nodded once, but I could see that he was unconvinced. My heart hurt for him, and I reached out as I took a step toward him, my left hand lightly tracing up his arm as I moved behind him. He was standing utterly still, barely breathing. I placed both my hands on his upper arms and leaned toward him, pressing my lips gently against the ink etched into his skin. I tried to convey to him that I understood. He was a different person, just as I was. In so many ways, we'd given each other new life, and I wanted him to know that – to feel it just as I did.

When I finally pulled away and lowered my hands, Edward turned to face me. The pain had faded from his eyes, and he gave me a soft smile as he murmured, "Thank you, love…" He brushed the backs of his fingers along my cheek, his eyes lighting on my lips.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked him, unable to stand it any longer.

The left corner of his lips lifted into that delectable grin. "You never have to ask." At once, he lowered his head, our lips meeting as he pulled me close. I slipped my arms around his waist, my hands moving up his back as I relished the smoothness of his skin under my fingertips. Our lips parted, our tongues moving sweetly together as we found that bliss that seemed to exist only when we were together this way.

We parted but stayed close for a moment, looking at each other with quiet smiles. As I watched, Edward's expression grew curious, and I furrowed my brow. "What?" I asked.

"I was just wondering if you have any tattoos." His smile had become playful again, and he kept me near, his arms still tight around my waist.

"Nope. I keep thinking about it though. I may get one eventually," I told him. "I'm kind of fascinated with tattoos - I've gone with Embry a couple of times to get his."

His eyes brightened at that, which I didn't understand until he asked, "So what's the deal with Embry and Rosalie anyway? I can tell you know something."

I snickered and shook my head. "No way."

"Hey! I told you about Emmett's Hello Kitty!"

"Yes, and I kinda wish you hadn't." I winked, trying to jokingly lead him away from the topic, but he wouldn't be swayed. He pulled a pout that looked as though he'd been taking lessons from Alice, and my eyes widened as I said, "Damn, that's not fair."

He just stared at me, wide-eyed and pouty-lipped, until I finally caved with a groan. "Fine! But you can't say anything to anyone. I've never even told Jasper."

The gleeful look on his face made me giggle, and I loved the sudden, conspiratorial closeness I felt with him as I leaned in and lowered my voice. "It's kind of stupid, really, but it's fun keeping it from everyone else. Besides, Rose would probably kick my ass if I said anything. She likes her reputation."

He raised both eyebrows but said nothing, waiting for me to continue.

I moved my hands, lowering them to his hips as I began, "Okay, so, when I was like fourteen, I went over to Jasper's one afternoon. He wasn't there, so I let myself in, and I heard someone in Rosalie's room. I called out, but she didn't answer, so I walked down the hall, and then I heard some…suggestive noises…" I giggled, remembering my own shock. "Well, I couldn't decide if I should knock…or go in…or just leave, but then I heard Embry's voice."

I laughed outright, shaking my head as I glanced up at Edward, who was watching me with a mixture of amusement and curiosity. "I didn't even think about it. I just slammed open the door, and I found…" I trailed off dramatically before I couldn't do it anymore and just chuckled. "The two of them sprawled on Rosalie's bed, watching Days of Our Lives."

Edward stood quietly for a minute before he laughed with me. "What? So all that 'love of my life' stuff is from soap operas?"

"Mmhmm," I affirmed with a grin. "See? Told you it was stupid…but they love the damn things. Guarantee they'll sneak off to watch them together sometime while he's in town."

As he was chuckling to himself, I worked my way free from his embrace. His face fell again into a small pout before I took his hand, pulling him to the bed.

When we got there, Edward took the lead, moving to sit against the headboard as he put his arm around me. My head fell naturally onto his shoulder, and I let my eyes drift closed. "This is nice," I hummed with satisfaction.

"Mmm…" was his only answer as we fell into a comfortable silence.

I barely noticed his hand lightly rubbing my side until it suddenly stilled. He shifted, and I lifted my head to find him looking at me with fresh curiosity. "What is it?"

"Well, I was just thinking about what you asked me last night…about first kisses, I mean…" he began. "And it made me wonder…have you had many first kisses?" I blushed, cursing myself for asking him that question.

Damn my curiosity.

Clearing my throat, I sat up straight and turned my face toward him. "Ahh, well, not a lot, no…there have been four…" I trailed off before I realized my mistake. "Oh no, wait – five."

Edward arched an eyebrow in amusement and said, "Was one so forgettable?"

The heat on my cheeks increased. "No…one just doesn't really count." I shrugged, hoping he would drop the conversation.

He didn't, of course. "Did you enjoy them…?" he began quietly. "I mean other than…?"

My jaw clenched as I heard what he didn't say, but I took a breath and released it, nodding slowly. "I did. Well, some of them anyway." I debated, trying to decide how much to tell him. It would be so easy to gloss over it all, leave it at that, but I knew that Edward would want to know, particularly about the one I really didn't want to talk about – Jasper.

I couldn't just come right out and say it, though, so instead I tried a different approach. I cleared my throat and forced myself to say, "James, of course." I swallowed hard and moved past him quickly, but the fact that it was the first time I'd voluntarily said his name in a long time was not lost on me, and I felt a small swell of pride.

With a smile, I said, "And, well, Garrett was my first boyfriend…we kissed a few times, and it was sweet, but that was really about it." I cleared my throat again. "And then umm…in college, I tried to date this guy. His name was Mike. After we'd been out a few times, he said he needed to kiss me, and we did…it was actually kind of nice at first, but then…" I bit my bottom lip, looking down at my hands in my lap as I sighed softly. I watched as Edward reached over, taking one of my hands. I looked up at him, eyes on his as I finished. "I sort of lost it. I broke down and I…I hit him." Feeling ashamed, I tore my eyes away, focusing on our hands again.

There was silence for a time before Edward lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it softly. I looked up at him, and he whispered simply, "You didn't hit me…"

I nodded and gave a half-hearted smile. Eyes on mine, he gradually leaned in, his free hand cupping my cheek as he pulled gently, the two of us meeting in the middle. His kiss was tender but insistent, and the passive resistance brought about by my memories melted away as his lips parted mine. The kiss began chastely, our lips moving in delicate concert as his fingers caressed me lightly, finding my cheek, my ear, my neck, my arm…but feeling that connection with him reignited my desire for more.

I deepened our kiss, pressing toward him as I placed my hand on the back of his neck and my tongue brushed past his lips. He responded immediately, his hand moving to my waist as he shifted us. So quickly that I wasn't sure how it happened, we were laying side by side, our bodies flush with my knee between his. I tilted my head, allowing him even greater access as I gave myself over to the incomparable sensation of being so close to Edward. I could sense the hunger in his touch, in his kiss, and the feeling made me whimper quietly.

He broke away suddenly, a slight shift of his face that took just his lips away from mine. We both murmured, "Sorry," together and then shared our hushed laughter. My eyes drifted open to find that Edward's were still closed for a few seconds longer. When he finally opened them, the hunger remained there, making my stomach flutter with anticipation.

"I'm sorry," he said more clearly, and I was shaking my head before he finished.

"Don't apologize," I said. "Please…" I didn't know how to explain that his desire…and his control…had just done so much to help ease years of lingering doubt about myself. It was still there, far from erased, but there was a new lightness I felt that I was at a loss to put into words. I looked into his eyes as I ran my fingers through his hair and gave him a small smile that he finally returned before I lifted my head to kiss his forehead gently. "Thank you," I whispered.

Edward just shook his head with a look of disbelief. He didn't argue with me though, saying simply, "Thank you," in return. We didn't put words to what we meant…we just knew.

He cleared his throat and said, "So…me, obviously…" with a grin as he brushed a kiss lightly across my lips. "That's four…have you already forgotten the other again?"

I watched him in silence before I sat up, nervously smoothing my hair as I moved back to lean against the headboard. "No…I haven't forgotten…"

He frowned slightly as he lifted his upper body, resting his weight on his elbow as he looked at me. I sighed and patted the space beside me. He moved to join me as I shifted to look at him. I took one of his hands in both of mine and said, "I want to be completely honest with you because you always have been with me, but I'm worried it might upset you, even though there's absolutely no reason for it." This was coming out all wrong, and I knew I was probably making him more nervous than I needed to.

Way to go, Bella.

Could you have picked a worse way to bring this up?

I sighed my agreement with the voices and looked at him carefully. I was surprised to see more comprehension and resignation in his eyes than apprehension.

What the fuck?

"What are you thinking?" The question tumbled out without fully forming in my mind.

"Jasper," was his only answer.

My eyes widened before I blinked. I could find no words to answer him, so I nodded my affirmation as my teeth bit lightly into my bottom lip. Suddenly, my heart was the one hammering in my rib cage as I waited for Edward's response. I hadn't expected him to guess this so easily, and I wondered what it meant.

He looked away from me, his head slumping back against the headboard as he looked at the ceiling. He didn't speak at first, merely swallowing as he nodded. He blinked up at the ceiling before he lowered his chin again, staring ahead as he spoke. "It's not completely unexpected…" He shrugged, and I hated the disappointment I heard in his voice.

He stopped there. I waited as long as I could before I prompted gently. "Edward?"

Without glancing at me, he answered with, "When did you kiss him?"

Squeezing Edward's hand, I kept my tone light, but my heart fell when he didn't return the gesture. I forced a smile as I said, "He was actually my true first kiss…when we were twelve. We were curious and decided to try it. It didn't mean anything. We wondered what the big deal was afterward." I shrugged.

He relaxed a bit and smiled, turning to look at me finally. He squeezed my hand before reaching over and brushing my hair back behind my ear with a murmured, "I bet you were an adorable little girl…"

I wrinkled my nose, remembering all my clumsiness and awkward, gangly limbs. Unfortunately, that wasn't all I remembered. I knew I had to tell him about my other experience with Jasper. I owed it to him to be completely honest. The sight of Edward smiling did nothing to calm me as I took a deep breath and said, "And then…"

His smile faded a bit. "And then…what?"

I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as I tried to find the words. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I glanced at Edward, and at once, I was speaking without thinking. "Okay, so you remember how I said I hit Mike?" I barely noted his nod, continuing on without interruption. "When I got home that night, Jasper was out with the guys, and I was all alone, and I was just…just fucked up. I couldn't stop shaking and crying, and I just knew that I was going to be alone. All alone. Forever. And I couldn't take it. I didn't know what to do. I sort of smashed some stuff in my room, and…I…I…" I swallowed, closing my eyes and breathing deeply through my nose before I forced the rest of the words out. "I thought about hurting myself. Anything to make it easier. But I didn't. I couldn't. I just…I had to make it better somehow. So I tried to go numb. Just not feel, you know? But I couldn't do that either. So I had a couple of drinks, and I was finally able to just get out of my head a little bit. Just not remember, not feel anything.

"And then Jasper came home, and he was…well, he was just fucking Jasper, and he wouldn't leave it alone. He asked questions, made me talk about it. I know I needed to, but I didn't fucking want to. When I finally answered, I just…bawled. He held me like always, and it made me feel better…it sort of gave me hope, I guess. But then I had to know. I had to find out if I would ever be able to get better…be able to touch someone again. So I umm…I asked him to…" I trailed off, my tirade coming to an end as I realized I had just spilled far more than I intended to.

The tightness in my chest relaxed infinitesimally when I glanced over and saw the concern glistening in Edward's eyes. He still looked upset, but the distance I'd sensed as he stared at the ceiling wasn't there anymore. His fingers laced through mine, and he breathed, "I'm so sorry, Bella…I hate all the things you've gone through…"

The lump in my throat made it too difficult to speak, so I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb and watched him in silence. At last, he spoke again, his voice huskier than usual. "So you kissed again…? When was this?"

"Five years ago," I answered quietly. "And yes…we kissed, but there was…more, too."

His jaw clenched before he nodded once. I could sense something…anger…frustration…radiating from him, but I couldn't tell what it was for sure.

I spoke into the ominous silence, wishing with every piece of my fragile heart that he would hear me and understand. "Before things got too far, I laughed…it was just too…weird. I've never had those feelings for Jasper, and he never has for me. But he would do anything for me, even if it meant completely freaking himself out."

Edward nodded again, his eyes still ahead. "How did Jasper react when you laughed?" I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and realized that he was feeling just as vulnerable as I was.

Strangely, that thought encouraged me.

"He was relieved, actually…" I gave a small, fond smile that Edward caught when he glanced over at me. His eyes were full of disbelief, so I nodded. "Seriously. I've never seen a guy so happy to get out of…that. Kind of insulting, really."

The corner of Edward's mouth lifted into a feeble half-smile, and I could feel my pulse drumming at my temple. I couldn't lose him. Not now. He had to understand. He had to know – really know – that he was the only one for me.

"And how did you feel?" His voice was unexpected but welcome.

I thought carefully before I answered, wanting to be honest here as well. "I felt…hopeful. And grateful. Just knowing I could touch someone helped me so much more than any of the therapy ever had." I smiled as I remembered our conversation from that night. "He told me that someday I'd find someone who wanted to give me the world – a guy I could trust…and that he'd be a lucky bastard if I wanted him too…" I gave a short, quiet laugh to myself as I glanced down at the tan comforter, shaking my head. As weird as making out with Jasper had been, I'd always clung to the hope he'd given me with those words.

I felt Edward's thumb and forefinger lightly grip my chin as he turned my face to his. His expression had softened despite the countless emotions warring in his eyes. He whispered, "He was right…I am a lucky bastard."

"I want only you," was my hushed answer.

He didn't respond, watching me in silence, his fingers still on my chin. As the moments stretched on, I became more curious. His eyes had taken on a distant quality that made me wonder what he was thinking. I remained patient, letting him work through whichever particular questions were on his mind. I took comfort in the contact with him – in the knowledge that he hadn't simply pushed me away.

When his thumb began tracing my jaw and his eyes roamed my face, I finally spoke again, asking if he was alright. He gave me a small, sad smile and said he was. "I sort of expected it, I guess…I can't say it doesn't bother me at all. I wish I could. But I get it…it makes sense. I'm just really glad you were okay then."

"I'm glad I was too…but you know, more than that, I'm glad that Jasper reminded me I was okay. When I first realized how I felt about you…" I reached up, removing his hand from my chin and lowering it to my lap. I watched our hands as I played with his fingers, not quite sure how to say what I wanted to say. "I was scared, Edward. Really scared. What Alice told me about you had me worried – I really couldn't stand the thought of you not being in my life because I scared you off.

"But I knew I was falling in love with you. It hit me so early and so hard that I almost felt dizzy…disoriented, you know? And then, of course, there were my own reasons for keeping things safe with you – staying just friends. But that thought was just so…so fucking depressing." I frowned down at our hands. "It sounds stupid, I know, but admitting to Jasper that I was interested in you was one of the hardest things I've done in years. It was like I was reopening such a terrifying part of my life, but it was so worth it because of you – because of what I could possibly have if I faced all those demons." I finally looked up to find him watching me. "Gah, I'm not making any sense. I'm just trying to say that Jasper reminded me I was okay with him…and that gave me the determination and hope I needed to try with you."

When he didn't speak right away, I was concerned. I was struck by how completely I'd just bared my soul to him. I wasn't afraid…I knew he loved me. But that was a hell of a lot of information I'd just thrown at him, and I didn't quite know how he'd react.

I shifted on the bed, moving to my hands and knees as I leaned closer to him. I whispered, "I have never wanted anyone else like I want you…you're everything I could have ever asked for. I want it all with you."

Still, he didn't respond, though I saw his eyes trail down to my lips and back up to meet my eyes again. I kissed him softly, and my brow furrowed when his lips remained impassive against mine. I refused to give up, choosing to believe he simply needed time, so I stayed right where I was, though I didn't push him further. At once, something in him seemed to snap, and his hands were suddenly in my hair as he kissed me hungrily. His lips were sure and unrelenting, strong against mine as he directed this physical expression of our love.

Quiet noises of desire filled the room as I felt heat spreading throughout my body. It began in my fingertips, my lips…those places connected with the man I loved, and it grew exponentially, igniting my soul. We were locked in place as he leaned back against the headboard while I was before him on my hands and knees, and I resented the distance between us.

I turned myself, lying back on the bed as my hands grasped at his sides, imploring him to go with me. He was instantly moving, and within seconds, I was overcome with the divine feeling of his body beside mine – drowning in his strength, his heat. My hands freely explored the smooth skin of his back, caressing and kneading everywhere I could reach. I couldn't get enough of his bare flesh as I pulled him closer.

He adjusted, resting partially on top of me as his hand trailed down my arm to my waist. His kisses grew softer, losing that hard edge of frenzied urgency. I felt no loss, though, as I sensed that he was merely giving himself over to the pleasure he felt, wanting to relish and savor it. It was the difference between the sudden flaring of a match – quick, intense, and too soon gone - and the slow, steady burn of a roaring fire that consumes and renews, granting warmth and light.

My mind was absorbed with the sensation of Edward's soft, silky skin stretched across taut muscle and sinew, and it wasn't enough to feel it beneath my fingertips. My hands splayed across his back, palms pressed firmly against him, and still I needed more. I nibbled gently on his lower lip before gracing his jaw with small kisses. Licking lightly at the rough stubble there, I moved still lower, my lips finding the smooth skin at the junction of his shoulder and neck. Once there, I extolled its perfection in kisses and licks and tiny bites, sucking gently as I sighed softly at tasting Edward so purely.

He grew still, his head lolling back while he breathed a quiet moan. His hand halted its journey, and I was struck by the realization that he was enraptured by the pleasure I was giving him. It was such a simple thing – my lips on his skin – and I smiled at seeing him so immersed in it. I had never in my life felt so powerful, so desirable, and I wanted to always feel this with him. Only with him.

My lips trailed back up over his chin, seeking the sweetness of his. Edward was immediately responsive once again, his tongue meeting mine as we kissed languidly. My hand slid down his back, brushing against the fabric of his boxers, and I felt his movements mirror mine. His hand found the hem of the t-shirt I was wearing, his fingers gently rubbing against the edge as though waiting for some sort of sign.

I paused for a moment, trying to work through what was happening. When my lips slowed, Edward kissed along my cheek, working his way to my ear. His breath tickled as he whispered, "I adore you," raising goosebumps on my flesh before he nipped at my earlobe, gently sucking it between his lips. Releasing it, he turned his attention to the sensitive skin of my neck, and I moaned, my knee lifting as I turned my body toward his. The rough texture of his day's-growth of beard was at odds with his soft, attentive lips, and the combination was rapidly driving me toward some unseen edge.

I slipped my hand just under the edge of his boxers, rubbing his lower back as I tilted my head, encouraging his lips to continue. Again, he mimicked my movements, his hand drifting underneath my shirt. His fingers tentatively caressed my ribs, and I moaned loudly at the way his fingertips, calloused from the guitar, teased my skin.

He tensed briefly at the sound, and his kisses slowed, becoming increasingly lighter before he journeyed once more to my mouth. He placed soft, chaste kisses on my lips and then lifted his head to look at me. His hand remained motionless on the bare skin of my abdomen, and I looked up at him with a mixture of confusion and gratitude. It was so much, so fast, and yet not enough. His eyes were filled with conflicting emotions as well as he said quietly, "I'm not going to apologize…not unless you want me to."

"I don't want you to," I whispered, staring into his eyes. "I'm not going to apologize either."

"Good." He gave me that irresistible crooked grin. Now that my mind wasn't in a complete fog, I could feel him pressed firmly against my thigh, and I bit my bottom lip as I realized just how aroused he was. I felt so torn. I was excited to know how much he wanted me, and I was so thankful that he had the control and presence of mind to stop us. At the same time, I just wanted to pull him close and keep going…and never, ever stop. I almost wished he'd push for more – not be the gentleman he was – but that had the potential for disaster, and above all, I didn't want to ruin what we had with one of my breakdowns.

"I love you, Edward," was all I said in the end. I didn't know how to explain the complex web of emotions I felt – all the conflicting desires and fears – but the best thing was that I knew I didn't have to explain. He just understood. Or at least understood enough to take extra care with me.

His smile now was soft and sweet as he murmured, "I love you, Bella," and leaned down to kiss my forehead. With his lips still close, he said quietly, "Maybe we should stop though…" and then pulled back, looking down at me.

Without intending to, I pouted at him, and he chuckled, his eyes bright and happy. "A break, at least?"

I exhaled forcefully and then nodded, lifting up on my elbows. He helped me sit up, guiding me back against the headboard as he glanced over at the clock on his nightstand. "Well…looks like we still have a couple of hours before we need to meet the guys." He worked to lighten his voice, trying to remove the traces of desire still there. "What do you want to do? Hungry?"

I wrinkled my nose as I shook my head. Food was the last thing on my mind, though I probably should've been starving. He nodded with an amused, knowing smirk, and I smacked his arm. "Cocky bastard," I muttered.

He threw back his head and laughed before he shrugged and leaned over to whisper to me. "If it helps, you've made it so I can't think about food either…" Placing a kiss on my temple, he crawled off the bed and stood up, stretching his arms over his head before he picked up his shirt.

As he pulled it over his head and his face disappeared briefly, I said, "Oh hey…I wanted to ask you…why the Decepticons? I would've thought you'd like the Autobots…"

His head popped out through the neck of his shirt, and he slowly pulled the fabric down before trying to smooth his hair, which defied both gravity and his attempts at order. It had dried in the time we'd spent on his bed, and its normal disarray hadn't been helped at all by my fingers running through it. He sat back down on the edge of the bed, a thoughtful look on his face. "Well…first, Emmett was a little drunk when he made the bet. God only knows why he chose cartoon tattoos…I'm sure he thought he'd win and force me to get Rainbow Brite on my face or some shit. But umm…obviously that didn't happen." He shrugged with a weak chuckle. "I guess I was just already feeling…I don't even know the word. I already didn't like who I was. I just couldn't figure out what to do about it yet. So I got the Decepticons symbol. It's really, really stupid, but I guess I didn't feel…worthy…of the Autobots…"

He trailed off, staring at the carpet, and I felt a mixture of amusement and empathy. Feeling unworthy of a symbol from a cartoon was something that would probably occur only to Edward, but I understood all too well what he meant about feeling worthless. I moved away from the headboard, letting my feet dangle over the side of the bed as I put my hand on his thigh and rested my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around me, kissing the top of my head. "I know what you mean," I said simply, and he nodded. I could feel the movement as he smiled, his cheek pressed against my head.

"Anyway, I had the wording added later…after I umm…well, after I figured out how to take control, I guess. It's also sort of a reminder to not make stupid bets with Emmett, especially not when I've been drinking." We laughed quietly together, and I nodded to show I understood.

"Where'd you get the phrase?" I asked.

"It's Shockwave's motto." My head was jostled as he shrugged. I finally had to grin as I raised my head. He turned to look at me, asking, "What?" when he saw my amused expression.

"You searched through Decepticon mottos?"

He chuckled and nodded. "Well, I ended up with a lot of free time…and I wanted something that fit. You're surprised?"

I thought about the attention to detail I'd seen in his apartment as well as the meticulous care he'd always taken with me and shook my head. "Not really, actually."

We settled into a companionable silence, and I wondered if Edward was thinking of that time in his life before he made such a drastic change. My own thoughts were scattered, drifting here and there while I tried to take in everything that had happened recently. I'd had no time to even pause since I'd told Edward about my history, and I felt overwhelmed when I stopped to think about it all. I knew I would need to find some time alone soon, but with our separation at Thanksgiving looming on the horizon, I didn't want to give up what time I had with him now.

"Hey," I broke the hush in the room, "what time's your flight Friday morning?"

"Hmm?" Edward said absently before lifting his head from mine. "Oh, umm…it's just before 8:00."

With a frown, I turned sideways on the bed, pulling both legs up and wrapping my arms around my knees. "So are you guys coming back here Thursday night then?"

He sighed. "We haven't decided yet. Obviously neither of us wants to be away from you two…I was kind of pushing for just not sleeping that night and napping on the plane, but I don't know if Alice is going to go for that or not."

I considered that for a moment. "Well, I guess I could stay up with you...it's a sacrifice giving up all that sleep," I teased. He grinned at me before I continued a little more seriously. "I don't know if I like the idea of you driving all the way from Forks with no sleep though. That's a long trip."

With a shrug, Edward said, "If we leave in the afternoon, I'll be driving before I sleep too. It's just that one way gets me more time with you."

Something in his logic didn't quite work out, but I just smiled at the thought that he wanted more time with me. We talked for a few minutes more about his trip. He said they would have dinner with their family Friday night and then spend the weekend hanging out at his parents' house before flying back Sunday evening. He was looking forward to getting to play his piano and seeing a few relatives he hadn't seen in awhile, but his voice was laced with melancholy as he spoke.

His tone of voice made me really consider what being away from him this weekend would mean. It was the first time we'd been apart for any length of time since we'd met – and obviously the first since we'd admitted our feelings for each other. Strangely, I found myself thinking of the little things I'd miss – his scent, the way his strong hand wrapped around mine, the carefree sound of his laughter – and I suddenly felt like I was going to cry. It was utterly ridiculous. He was going to be gone for only three days, but I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through.

Get a grip, Bella.

Seriously.

Great. They all agreed. So I was definitely being ridiculous.

I sighed, and Edward glanced over at me inquisitively. "What is it?"

Sheepishly, I admitted that I'd been thinking about how much I was going to miss him. He smiled gently and said he felt the same. "It's kind of strange, isn't it?" I mused. "I just mean…it's odd how someone can become so important so quickly. It was just Saturday when I told you I loved you and now I'm moping because I won't be able to smell you for three days…"

There was silence for a beat before Edward's amused voice said, "Smell me?"

Fuck.

Of all the things to say aloud.

"Well not just smell you…but yeah…" I glanced down at the ground before chuckling at myself and lifting my head again. "I was just thinking of all the things I'd miss about you. The little things, you know? And I fucking love the way you smell…" I flopped back on his bed with my arms over my head, my feet still hanging over the side as I closed my eyes.

The bed shifted as Edward settled beside me, and I felt the light weight of his hand resting on my abdomen. I opened my eyes to see that he was lying on his side with his head propped on his palm, clearly entertained as he grinned down at me. "So I smell good, hmm?"

I rolled my eyes but couldn't stop the smile that spread on my face. I let my eyes drift closed again as I nodded with a quiet sigh. When I spoke, my voice was low, and I sensed Edward leaning closer to listen. "It's…well, it's sort of part of what I focus on. When I'm trying to…to stay calm, you know? I think about how I'm with you, and the way you smell always helps. It's…I guess it's part of my safe place."

When Edward still hadn't spoken after a couple of minutes, I opened my eyes to find him looking at me. His expression was hard to read, but I recognized the awe I saw there – I just didn't understand what it meant. My brow furrowed, but before I could speak, he whispered, "I really make you feel safe?" I nodded, enjoying the smile that spread slowly across his face before he leaned down and kissed me tenderly. He was blushing lightly when he said, "Would it help if I left something with you…? A shirt or something?"

My answering grin was huge, and I felt the blush on my own cheeks as I nodded. "That would be awesome, actually."

He smiled again before he hopped up off the bed and walked toward his dresser, but I already knew which shirt I wanted – if he'd let me have it. "Hey, ahh…" A quick glance over his shoulder barely slowed him as he pulled open the top drawer. "I kind of looked around while you were in the shower. Would it be alright if I borrowed…umm…that one?" I nodded toward his closet as I felt the heat from my cheeks spread all the way down my neck.

He followed my gaze with a slight frown and said, "Which one?"

The angle wouldn't let him see into the closet, so he closed the drawer again and crossed his room. He pulled out the jersey and held it up to me with a questioning look. When I nodded, he said, "You want the one with my name on it?" with such an adorable grin that I felt my heart melt a bit.

"Yeah…if you don't mind." I bit my bottom lip when he tugged the shirt off the hanger and brought it back to me.

"I don't mind at all," he said, handing it to me. "I think it might be a little big though."

"I'm sure it's fine…" I pulled the shirt over my head, straightening it over the t-shirt I was already wearing. He was right, of course – it was way too big. It hung off my shoulders and swallowed me, but I was bathed immediately in that faint but delicious fragrance of sandalwood, and my eyes fluttered closed as I inhaled and then exhaled with a soft sigh.

When I opened my eyes again, he was standing back, looking down at me with desire clear in his eyes. I arched an eyebrow, and in response, he said, "You look really fucking good in my shirt." He kept his distance, standing a few feet away.

I said, "So you know…as soon as we get in your car and leave here…" I glanced at the clock pointedly, "in an hour or so, we're not going to have any more time alone until you get back from Chicago. We're either going to be playing or spending time with family, so if there's, you know, anything you want to do without all the guys watching…now might be a good time…"

Edward was immediately in motion, walking toward me determinedly, and I smiled as our lips met in a soft kiss.

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A/N – Thanks to Ahelm, kimberlycullen10, and naelany for putting up with my obsessive behavior and reading parts of this for me! You are awesome, and I love you dearly.

I posted an outtake under "More of the Guys" a couple of weeks ago, though I think not a lot of you have seen it. If you would like to read Edward's POV of their first kiss – as well as all the things that happened the rest of that night – check it out!

Also, several of you questioned the title of the last chapter – "Some Lovely Glorious Nothing" – saying that it was most indeed something. I posted an explanation with the outtake, but I'm copying it here just in case…

The phrase "some lovely glorious nothing" is in a line from "Air and Angels." It refers to the pure love that humans can sense but not grasp, and it is that glorious nothing that has to take a physical form so that it can be recognized and embraced. Obviously, in this instance, it is meant to reference the physical form of Edward's love that can be found as Bella. Also, the title of the outtake – "My Love's Sphere" – refers to the physical form of the speaker's love.

Oh, and a post with the tattoos can be found here as well. Special thanks to kimberlycullen10 for adding the text to Edward's for me! Love you, bb

And to think I hate long A/Ns… *sighs*

/epic A/N