A/N: Special thanks to kimberlycullen10 and naelany for keeping me sane and reading – and re-reading – this chapter as I went along!
I don't own anything you recognize. More A/N at the bottom – thank you so much for reading!
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EPOV
Weirdest. Fucking. Week. Ever.
My thoughts were a tangled snarl as I navigated the streets of Seattle, taking Bella and me back to her place. It was not long after 3:00 on Tuesday afternoon, and although she was singing softly beside me, I couldn't help but wonder if she was upset that we'd left my apartment so early.
I felt like a complete ass for suggesting we leave half an hour before we needed to, but I really couldn't take it anymore. After lying on my bed, kissing and caressing her for hours, I was reaching the point where I was sure to do something I'd regret, despite having jacked off in the shower while Bella waited in my living room. Apparently all the guilt I felt over that particular act was pointless - I shouldn't have even bothered doing it since I was out of control anyway.
Feeling the tension in my forehead, I knew my brow was furrowed and I was likely frowning, but I did nothing to try to hide it. The afternoon had been singularly amazing – yet I was overcome with foreboding.
It was just so fucking fast.
All of it.
Only Thursday, we'd had wings with Emmett at the bar, and he'd accidentally-on-purpose alluded to my questionable past. That had led to me revealing all of it…which had led to Bella jumping in my lap. From there, everything had moved so quickly – it was like we were goddamn Indiana Jones being chased by that big ass boulder.
I seriously hoped we didn't end up fucking flattened.
I glanced at Bella out of the corner of my eye and saw that she was gazing pensively out of her window, absently singing a line here and there as she watched the buildings pass by. A hollow ache sounded in my chest every time I realized that I was just waiting for it…waiting for her to freak out.
I didn't know if it was fair, but I knew that was what I was afraid of. She'd handled everything so well so far. And I knew I should just be happy with that, but I just…I just didn't think she was well. Bella's problems ran far deeper than a few kisses could heal, and I hurt for her.
For us.
She still looked over her shoulder, even when there was no one there. She cringed when someone got too close – I'd even seen it just earlier today when she turned suddenly and realized Emmett was right beside her. I was so unbelievably proud of her for the way she'd faced so many of her fears to be with me, but there was much more there that she needed to deal with.
That we needed to deal with.
Bella was the one for me. There was not a single shred of doubt in my mind. Jasper was right when he said I was one lucky bastard – even if he didn't know it was me he was talking about at the time. Bella wanted me, and she loved me, and I knew in my very core that I would always be there with her.
I hadn't felt this goddamn good in years.
"Squished a rotten peach in my fist and dreamed about you, woman…" Bella's quiet voice broke through my thoughts as she sang.
I snorted and shook my head, glancing over to catch her staring vaguely out the window. She looked back at me, the confused expression on her face dissolving into a grin as she said, "What?"
I grinned in return. "Nothing…" I shrugged and turned my eyes back to the road.
She punched me lightly on the arm and muttered, "Don't make fun of my singing!"
I laughed. "No, it's not that. I like your voice. It's just umm…strange to hear you singing that."
She didn't answer, remaining silent for a moment. When I heard her singing, "Millions of peaches, peaches for me," I looked over and found her smirking at me.
Effortlessly, she lightened my mood and made me forget those countless things I brooded about when I was left too much alone with my thoughts. We spent the rest of the drive teasing each other and talking about the songs that played from what she called my "terminally random" playlist. I shifted my eyes to her just as Debussy's Reverie began, and she looked at me pointedly, shaking her head with a fond smile. I shrugged and laced my fingers through hers while she said, "Absolutely terminal…"
A relaxed, content atmosphere pervaded the interior of the car as I parked at her complex. My frustrations – both sexual and otherwise – were forgotten in the ease and…just fucking joy of being so comfortable with her. I lifted our hands, kissing the back of hers before squeezing it once and letting it go. Bella waited as I walked around the car and opened her door – I really appreciated the way she seemed to just know I enjoyed doing that for her. I knew she thought it was a little silly, but deep down, I thought she appreciated it too.
She smiled up at me as we started walking toward her door, and I felt her slip her little pinkie into mine. Our hands swung idly between us as we walked, enjoying the moment of serenity before Bella turned her key in the lock, opened the door…and all hell broke loose.
In reality, there was nothing all that wild going on, but after the relative quiet of our afternoon together, the sound of Quil's voice yelling at Jake to bring him a drink was jarring.
"What do you want?" came Jake's annoyed reply from the kitchen.
Bella glanced up at me and shrugged, grinning wryly. She lifted on her toes, kissing my jaw, and I wrapped my arms around her in response, pulling her close as I pressed my lips to hers. I thought I heard a muttered, "Ugh," and straightened, looking over Bella's head to see Jake's back as he disappeared into the living room.
Rolling my eyes, I looked down and saw Bella grimace. "Fucking ass," she muttered under her breath. My grin was far wider than the situation warranted, but it was great to hear her be so dismissive of him. She gazed up at me with a knowing grin and said, "You're cute," then took my hand, and we walked toward the living room.
Felix was again sprawled across the couch, while Jasper and Alice were cuddled up on the loveseat. Jared was sitting in the recliner with a laptop, typing away furiously with a smile on his face, and Jake and Quil were sitting in the floor, eyes focused on the TV as they played football on the Xbox 360 and talked trash. The room seemed packed as usual, so it took a moment for me to realize that not everyone was here. It looked like Jane and Paul were still…wherever they'd run off to. Bella had filled me in on what had happened between Alice and Jane, and I wondered if the bitch would even be brave enough to show her face again. I knew my little sister could take care of herself, but I'd be damned if I would let anyone fuck with her that way. Almost as if she knew what I was thinking, Alice glanced over and shook her head. I grimaced, and she smiled before turning slightly, resting her head on Jasper's chest.
Apparently I'd stopped and was standing in the doorway looking because Bella tugged at my hand with a chuckle and led me a few steps into the room. We sat on the floor in front of Felix's nest as Jasper asked if we'd had a good time. I was surprised to see a teasing look on his face, and he glanced at Bella meaningfully. He laughed when she blushed, and several different conversations struck up at once, leaving me free to try to figure out this new acceptance by Jasper. I had known, of course, that he was cool with me now…but teasing Bella about our physical relationship seemed like such a huge leap. He looked more relaxed than I'd ever seen him, which seemed strange, given that both his best friend and his twin sister were suddenly in relationships with guys he barely knew.
During a break in the basketball game this morning, Emmett had told me about his date with Rosalie. I'd been surprised to learn that they really hadn't done…anything yet. At all. So unlike Emmett, but then again, I'm sure he'd thought the same thing about me nearly two years ago when I'd just stopped.
Just like that asshole to find the one he's looking for after a couple of weeks.
10 days for him, nearly 600 for me.
Motherfucker.
I frowned, staring at the pattern in the rug in front of me. Bella scooted a little closer and wiggled her way under my arm, turning a bit so her back was resting against my chest as she said, "Nah, Embry went with devoted cleric…his highest is wisdom." Smiling, I turned and kissed the top of her head, relaxing against the couch as I listened to her talk to Jasper.
Totally fucking worth the wait.
After spending days looking through books and talking to Bella, I now had some idea of what she and Jasper were discussing, so I joined in the conversation. Alice chimed in from time to time, talking animatedly about the warlock she'd made. Before long, there was a knock at the door, and the couch shifted as Felix stood with a groan and went to answer it, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket.
As if that were some sort of sign, everyone was suddenly in motion. Jake snickered as he scored a final touchdown and reached up to turn the Xbox off. Quil was protesting, saying he still had over three minutes left, but Jake told him that food always meant the end of the game. The two were still arguing as they disappeared into the kitchen, the clatter of plates and silverware muffling the voices of Felix and the delivery guy at the door.
Bella stood and stretched, Jasper mirroring her motions until Alice tickled his ribs. He laughed and hugged her close as I stood up, and when they walked toward the dining room, he punched me on the shoulder, his attention still on Alice as she talked.
I chuckled, shaking my head as we followed behind them. Felix walked into the dining room just after us, and a flurry of activity began – containers being unpacked as plates were passed down the line and people reached over each other.
"What do you want to drink, sweetpea?" Felix asked from the end of the table. Once Bella said she'd take sweet tea, he turned to me and said, "E?"
I told him I'd have the same and felt Bella's arm slip around my waist as she murmured, "E, huh? He likes you."
"Yeah?" I asked, glancing down as I wrapped my arms around her.
She giggled quietly as she nodded. "Definitely. Once they stop calling you by your name, you're in. They have some sort of allergic reaction to using real names with their friends."
I felt a little stupid for the ridiculous smile I'm sure was on my face as we settled in at the gaming table to eat. I realized as I was eating my first bite of shrimp fried rice that I'd grown used to the babble of all the different voices around me. I was simultaneously carrying on a conversation with Jasper about WoW – he was trying to convince me and Alice to play - and talking to Felix about the Seahawks' chances for winning their Thanksgiving Day game against Dallas.
"No fucking way, man," I said, shaking my head at Felix. "Romo looked good on Sunday, and Seattle's been playing like shit. They haven't won since…what? October?"
"I don't know…that Redskins game was close," Felix began in protest, but he was cut off as Emmett and Rosalie walked in. They were holding hands, and both of them were goddamn glowing.
I turned in my chair, examining Emmett as he reached out his left hand toward Felix, who smacked it with a grin as he said, "Em, man! Good to see you back – knew you wouldn't miss the chance to gloat."
Emmett's smile was easy and relaxed as he answered, pulling out a chair for Rosalie as if it were the most natural thing in the world. From the corner of my eye, I saw her exchange a significant glance with Bella and Alice, who both giggled. I cut my eyes around to Bella, but she gazed up at me innocently, no trace in her expression that anything had happened at all.
Hmm…not getting anything out of her this time.
I was going to have to talk to Emmett soon.
Rosalie and Alice struck up a conversation, and I caught bits and pieces of Christmas plans as I thought about Jasper's revelation that he was going to ask Alice to marry him. She'd say yes – I was sure of it – which meant that eventually Rosalie and Alice would be sisters-in-law. I was glad to see they were getting along so well, and it really looked like everything was falling into place for my little sister. I wasn't sure when he was planning to ask her, so I wondered if it might be at Christmas. Of course, if he proposed without talking to our father…
I smirked.
Need to talk to fucking Jasper, too.
Carlisle was an easygoing person, and it wasn't as though he would really say no – it was completely Alice's decision – but Jasper would definitely gain a lot of points by talking to him about it beforehand.
Meeting him might be a good step, too.
I glanced down at Bella, realizing that I needed to ask her to come home with me as well. It had been such a long time since I'd asked anyone to meet my parents, and the last had really been more necessity than anything else. When you start dating someone before you can drive, you have to get there some way. My parents would love her - that much I knew - but I wasn't sure how she would feel about it. Chicago was a long way to go when you weren't sure what was waiting for you on the other side.
"Hey, Fuckward. I'm talking to you." I felt a sharp pain in my shin as Emmett kicked me.
"God damn it, Emmett." I straightened up, kicking him back before I pulled my foot under my chair so my leg was out of reach. "What?"
"How can you say the Seahawks don't have a chance? What kind of fan are you?"
"A realist," I smirked, and was forced to abandon my introspection as I dissected the upcoming game with Emmett and Felix. We were still talking when Embry and Alex returned, their eyes red and a little puffy.
What the fuck? Have they been crying?
I glanced at Bella, who snickered and shrugged, prompting me to look back at the guys. This time, I took in the subtle, lazy smile on Embry's face and the way Alex blinked slowly and then opened his eyes wide, peering around curiously.
Oh. He really was high…
I chuckled as Bella stood up and took both our empty dishes to the kitchen, returning with a small stack of clean plates. The newcomers quickly settled in, piling food on their plates in silence before they sat back and ate.
Within a few minutes, I heard the front door open for the final time, and I knew Paul had to be back. The only question was whether or not Jane had returned as well.
Paul's glower was the first thing I saw when he came walking through the doorway. His eyes were narrowed, and he was wearing his perpetual sneer. I didn't notice Jane behind him until he moved to the side, walking around the table to sit. Jane, however, hovered in the doorway, looking more unsure than I had ever seen her. Her eyes were downcast and her shoulders slumped, her posture screaming both insecurity and reluctance.
"Alice?" Her quiet voice broke through the noise in the room, and all the conversations halted at once.
Alice's eyes were huge as her head swung around to look at Jane. "What?" she asked, sounding more surprised than angry.
Jane stood up a bit straighter, irritably swiping at the hair that had fallen into her pale blue eyes. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Alice pushed away from the table without a word, her movements made crisp by her irritation now that she'd gotten over the initial shock. I started to stand, intent on going to protect Alice, but Bella put her hand on my knee, gripping it as I saw her shake her head out of the corner of my eye. Jasper automatically stood as well, but Alice put her hand on his arm and whispered something to him. He frowned and shook his head minutely, and the two of them bent closer together, having a heated, hushed argument that ended nearly before it began. In the end, Jasper stood at the end of the table with his arms crossed over his chest as he watched her follow Jane out of the room.
Silence reigned until we heard the click of the front door, and then conversations resumed seamlessly as if the mute button had been pressed on the TV. I shot Jasper a sympathetic look, knowing how hard it must be for him to let Alice go like that. He sighed and shoved his fingers through his hair before he stalked out of the room, standing just in our line of sight in the hallway as he glared at the front door.
I was aware that no one else seemed to care what was going on outside. They were all talking and arguing and laughing just like always, but the knot in my gut was only reinforced by Jasper's vigilant pose. Bella felt my tension and kept her hand on my knee though she knew better than to try to engage me in conversation just then. Instead, she talked to Felix on the other side of me, her thumb rubbing lightly on the outside of my thigh.
In only a few minutes, the door opened again, and Jasper's arms moved from in front of his chest, his hands resting near his hips as he stuck his thumbs through his belt loops. I could tell by the set of his jaw and the way he raised his chin that Jane was the one who had returned. I couldn't take the suspense anymore and pushed away from the table, turning my chair and leaning back a bit so I could see down the hallway.
Jane was standing a couple of feet away from Jasper, her cheeks flushed as she asked him to come outside with her. Without answering, Jasper began walking, his arms swinging at his sides as his thumbs slipped free again. Jane turned and led the way, and they were soon out of sight. When the door closed once more, Bella leaned over and kissed just in front of my ear, saying, "Alice is alright. Promise."
My eyes flickered to her as I gave a tight smile, but I rested my hand on top of hers, rubbing absently with my thumb as I nodded. She leaned close again to whisper, "You're adorable when you're all protective like that…"
I finally gave a true smile, intertwining our fingers as I moved her hand and leaned forward to rest my elbows on my knees. I made a new effort to rejoin the conversation with Emmett and Felix, and I felt Bella squeeze my hand in approval while she and Quil teased Embry. My attention was still focused on the conversation taking place on the front porch, so it was a relief when I heard the door open yet again.
"Alright, get your shit together…we start in fifteen. Anyone not ready to go is an NPC tonight," Bella announced as she stood up. The guys groaned as one and began quickly cleaning up the remnants of the meal. Plates clanked together as some began loading the dishwasher while others began pulling books and dice from backpacks. Jared retrieved his laptop and had started setting it up at his place when Bella pulled on my hand and dragged me toward the open doorway. There, she caught Jasper's wrist and said, "Come with me."
Jasper was holding Alice's hand, and we were all three pulled in Bella's wake as she marched straight into the office and dropped our hands. She shut the door and stood in front of it with her arms crossed over her chest. "What the fuck was that about?"
"She wanted to apologize for the way she's been acting." Alice shrugged, her voice a good bit softer than Bella's had been.
My girlfriend made no attempt to lower her voice, though. "Really?" Her eyes were wide as Alice nodded. "And you believed her?"
With a small grin, Alice said, "A bit. She wanted to talk to Jasper alone, too. You saw how that went."
Bella shook her head slowly, clearly mystified. "I wonder why the hell she did that…"
Jasper snorted as Alice grinned broadly. He leaned toward us and muttered, "Apparently Paul clued her in to the fact that she was acting like a desperate whore."
Bella blinked and then snickered as she said, "Well, he never does hold back, that's for sure." Jasper agreed and chuckled before he turned toward the bookcase. He and Alice began gathering the books they would need, and Bella tugged on my shirt. I bent toward her, hearing her whisper, "Bet you anything he said that shit after he slept with her…"
Without waiting for an answer, she stepped away and began pulling her books off the shelf, leaving me standing there stunned. She rarely spoke so…nonchalantly about sex. Sure, it was about someone else, but it was one of those things that always seemed to catch me off guard. I think I sometimes forgot that Bella wasn't nearly as inexperienced – or naïve - as she seemed.
When I saw her standing with a huge stack of book in her hands, I quickly opened the door and then went over to take them from her. She refused to give me all of them but relented somewhat, letting me take half. We joined everyone else at the table, and I watched as Bella smoothly turned on the light of her wooden DM screen, dumped her bag of dice unceremoniously on the tabletop, and sorted them swiftly with a precision that baffled me. Soon, they were all lined up in rows according to the number of sides, and she'd somehow even managed to create a pattern with the colors that had me shaking my head. She tossed my small green velvet dice bag to me with a wink, glanced at the clock, and said, "Damn…you're all here a minute early. Guess you all get to play tonight."
With that, the game began. Just like it had been when she was raiding, it was a fucking turn on to watch Bella take control. She called for rolls and settled arguments between the guys. When Alex and Embry kept giggling together, she separated the two of them, sending Alex down to the other end of the table beside Jasper.
I was surprised to find that Alex was one of the better players. Even in his current state, he asked intelligent questions, and he seemed to see things most of them missed. He was also funny as fuck, making up haikus on the spot and cracking jokes at everyone's expense – most often Paul's. I thought he just liked to piss him off – and I completely approved – up until I noticed he was occasionally shooting glances at Jane, who was rather subdued.
Oh…
He didn't like Paul fucking around with his sister. I could definitely understand that, but I didn't quite get his response. If one of these fucks had been treating Alice that way, I would've beaten the shit out of him by now.
"I reach out and touch the mirror," Quil said as a couple of the guys groaned in protest. I'd been only vaguely aware of the game going on around me, and his voice made me blink as I looked at Bella to see if she needed me to do anything.
Quil shrugged with a grin, and Jake muttered, "Goddamn halfling's going to get us killed…" He spoke up, saying, "I'm going to grab Merric by the collar."
"Roll initiative," was all Bella said.
The rattle of dice rose around the table before the guys began calling out their numbers, and I quickly wrote them down on a sticky note. I rearranged them and jotted down the order on another note for Bella and put it in front of her. She glanced down with a smirk and said, "Alright, Lindal, you're up first."
Embry, who was playing Quil's brother, chuckled and shifted his eyes to the left, exchanging a brief look with Quil. "What do I notice?" he asked.
Bella described the situation for him, clarifying everyone's position with miniatures carefully arranged on the mat spread across the table. She again described the cave they were standing in, finishing with, "You see Merric standing just in front of a large, roughly oval-shaped depression in the wall. It seems to be some sort of obsidian, and the surface is so highly polished that you can see his dim reflection in it. He's only inches away, his hand outstretched, and he seems intent on touching it."
Embry thought for a moment and then shifted back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. "I watch."
A few seats down, Paul swore under his breath as Quil's grin widened. It was now his turn, and he said again, "I'm going to touch the mirror." He mimed reaching forward, asking Bella what he felt.
"The stone is warmer to the touch than you anticipated. It feels smooth and hard at first, but then it gives way, your fingers sinking through the surface," Bella said.
Quil said he pulled back, and a frenzy of activity began as Bella described something coming through the mirror, saying, "You see a shadow moving forward through the black stone, its shape strangely bulbous with what seem to be tentacles dangling below. The tip of a beak presses through the stone."
The next several minutes were a blur of dice rolls for checks and attacks – everyone doing everything from trying to figure out what the thing was to trying to kill it. Bella described it as what seemed to be a huge brain with tentacles, and Emmett caught my eye, raising his eyebrows suggestively and making me snort and roll my eyes in response. By the time Jared said, "Fuck, it's a grell! That damn thing's venomous…" Merric was already wrapped up in the tentacles, being held several feet off the ground. He was stunned and staring straight ahead while the grell moved off to the side and a few others followed through the mirror.
The combat was intense and went on for far longer than I would've thought. Rosalie's warrior was impressive, stepping in front of the rest of the group and managing to keep the attention of nearly all the grell. She yelled out curses and swung her imaginary hammer as she attacked, and I chuckled at the enamored expression on Emmett's face as he watched her.
Jasper and Alice made a good team, standing away from the rest of the group as Jasper's elf fired arrows into the fight. Alice was really getting into her role, spreading her hands out in front of her and calling out made-up words as her warlock cast spells. She giggled a few times, and she clapped her hands when she killed her first monster – she was obviously having a great time. Embry celebrated with her, and Jared gave her a high five from his seat beside her.
Though she remained solemn, Jane's wizard worked efficiently, and I noticed that she chose many of the same targets Alice did, subtly working to help bring them down.
The rest of the guys all had clearly defined roles, and they were used to working as a group. Jake was a natural leader, keeping the others focused and helping to make sure no one fell. He and Bella had a strange chemistry when they worked together this way, and they often finished each other's sentences and exchanged knowing looks. I really wasn't sure what to think of that, but it was my thigh that Bella's hand was resting on, and I was the one she leaned over to whisper to, so I tried not to dwell too much on the fact that she and Jacob gamed well together.
Paul stood up midway through the fight, and he paced behind his chair, muttering to himself and running his fingers through his hair. On his turn, he'd stop and grip the back of his chair, leaning over to roll his dice. When he made a terrible roll and his character fumbled and dropped his dagger, I thought he was literally going to pull his hair out by the roots. Embry just made Paul seethe more when he said, "Tough break, Paul…I guess rogues can't always be dexterous," with an innocent expression.
By the end, tempers were running high all around, and there was an impressive pile of bodies on the miniatures mat surrounding the victorious party members. Embry's character was busy trying to help Jared's dwarf revive his brother when Alex said, "Curious halfling - Leave shiny mirrors alone - Brain with beak goes crunch."
Everyone laughed, even Quil and Paul, and Bella told the guys they were out of combat. As the party regrouped and healed up, she announced a fifteen minute break, and there was a collective groan as people stood and stretched. The room was nearly empty quicker than I would've thought possible, everyone disappearing to the bathroom or to the kitchen for a snack. Only Jared, typing away on his laptop, and Alex, making a few of the miniatures battle each other, were left when Bella glanced over at me and smiled softly.
"So…what do you think?" she asked.
"I don't know," I answered honestly. "That was way different than I expected…"
"Really?" Both her eyebrows were raised as she looked at me curiously.
"Yeah, just…I guess I expected more…umm…" I trailed off, not wanting to offend her.
"Dorkiness?" Bella supplied with a wry grin.
I laughed. "Yeah, something like that. I don't know. I guess I was thinking of the video games I've played where you're in character all the time. And, you know, those videos of people in capes and shit. It's kind of hard to understand until you see it, you know?" I shrugged and then leaned in a little closer. "Is Paul always like that?"
Jared laughed suddenly, but when we glanced up, he was still staring at his screen. He shook his head and typed something again, so I looked back at Bella. Her eyes were soft as she murmured, "He always talks to Kim during our breaks." She cleared her throat and raised her voice a bit. "Yeah, he's kind of intense…he's actually calmed down a little, if you can believe it."
We spent the next few minutes talking about the game, and Bella showed me a few of the things coming up so that I could help her when she needed it. We lined up miniatures behind the screen, looked over monster cards, exchanged a few soft, sweet kisses, and all too soon, the guys were all back around the table.
The next few hours passed in a blur of conversation and die rolls and laughter. I'd never seen so much Mountain Dew consumed, and I was pretty sure some of the guys were going to be pissing green for a week. We ordered pizza around 10:00 and took a longer break when it arrived. Bella grabbed a pizza still in the box while I picked up a few beers, and we went to sit with Felix in the living room, more for a change of scenery than anything else.
"Thanks, sweetpea," he said when Bella opened the box on the coffee table. He ruffled her hair, and the grin she gave him in response was so adorable. I was finally able to see their relationship clearly – she looked at him as an older brother. Alice used to look at me like that when she was a kid. She still did sometimes – albeit very fucking rarely now. Watching Bella and Felix, I could see the little bit of hero worship she had for him.
He asked her about her thesis, and I listened as Bella talked about working a few of the holy sonnets into her paper. Felix nodded thoughtfully and asked questions, and it was clear to me that she'd talked to him about it several times before. Finally, she kissed my cheek and whispered, "I'll be right back," as she stood up and left the room.
I looked back at Felix as I picked up another piece of pizza. "You like Donne?"
"Hell, no. Most of the time I don't have a fucking clue what she's talking about, but I know enough to listen." He shrugged and grinned. "I've picked up a little bit along the way."
I laughed with him, and he changed the subject, asking me about med school. When Bella hadn't returned a few minutes later, he leaned toward me, resting his elbows on his knees and lowering his head a bit as he said, "Hey…thanks, man. Not to get all sentimental and shit, but she looks so much better than she has in a long time. She cares about you. And you make her happy."
We looked at each other for a minute, and then I said, "I know. Don't fuck it up, right?"
He gave me half a grin with a wink and downed the last of his beer as Bella flopped back down on the floor beside me. Felix smoothly turned the conversation back to the Seahawks, and the three of us talked for a few more minutes before Bella patted my leg and said it was time to go back. As we were leaving, Felix settled back on the couch, stretching out with his ankles crossed on the far arm, and I heard the canned laughter of a sitcom from the TV.
I lost track of how much time passed as we played, but when Embry yawned, I gave a jaw-cracking yawn in response, making my eyes water. I glanced at the clock and was surprised to see that it was just after 1:00. I blinked several times, rolling dice for the band of mercenaries the party had stumbled upon. My reactions seemed to be slowing, and I was thankful when the fighting ended and Bella called the game for the night.
It seemed to take far too long to get everyone packed up and ready to go. The guys kept pausing, laughing about things that had happened during the night and talking animatedly about their plans for the next day. Bella was going to have breakfast ready at 9:00 for anyone who wanted it, and they were going to start gaming again an hour later. I tried not to be rude, hiding my yawns behind my fist, but I was fading fast. I'd gotten used to staying up far later than this, so I wasn't really sure why I was so tired.
Finally, everyone had been ushered out the door – everyone, that is, but the ones I'd come to think of as belonging here. We were standing in the kitchen talking quietly – Jasper was sitting on the counter with Alice leaning back against it between his legs. Her arms were resting on his thighs on either side of her hips, and she was laughing at something Rosalie said. Emmett was standing near Rosalie with his arms crossed over his chest, grinning as he teased Bella, who was leaning back against me. My arms were wrapped around her, my fingers in her belt loops as I rested my chin lazily on her head. I could feel my eyes closing and made myself straighten up, pulling Bella a little more tightly against me. She folded her arms over mine, patting my hand gently.
She pushed away from me, and I know I frowned like a petulant child until I heard her say, "I'm exhausted…I think we're going to bed."
Emmett looked over at me with an eyebrow raised pointedly. I shrugged, giving him what was probably a cocky grin, though I didn't really mean it to be. Bella had invited me to stay tonight when we were at my apartment, so – for once – I'd brought a backpack with a change of clothes and a few other things.
Emmett smirked and said, "Come on, Rosie…I'll take you home." Rosalie blushed, the pink looking completely foreign on her cheeks. She hugged her brother, who whispered something that made her punch him in the gut, causing him to bend over with an -oof- before she wrapped Alice in a hug and kissed her cheek. Em began making his rounds as well, giving Jasper the one-armed guy hug while Rosalie came over to us. She hugged us both at once, kissing our cheeks as she said goodnight.
We all wandered toward the front door as Rosalie and Emmett left, and as soon as Jasper locked the door, he turned around, yawning, and said they were going to bed, too.
"Don't stay up too late, young lady," he teased Bella, tickling her ribs as he passed. "You have a busy day tomorrow."
The sight of Jasper disappearing into his bedroom with my little sister was an odd one. I felt a faint urge to go pull her out and demand to know what the fuck she thought she was doing…but the sight of my Bella yawning beside me and mumbling, "Come on…let's go to bed," was enough to overcome my brotherly instincts.
I'd just have to try to forget the fact that Alice and Jasper were obviously more physically involved than Bella and I were.
Just pray to God they're too tired to do anything tonight…
I grimaced and took Bella's hand, leading her down the hall to her room. We spent a few minutes getting ready for bed, brushing our teeth side-by-side as we stole glances at each other in the mirror. As tired as I had been, I found myself slowly waking up as I watched her. She leaned over, cupping her hands beneath the faucet to rinse her mouth out, and I caught myself staring at her ass and the way she bent one knee toward the cabinet.
When she straightened and dried her face with a towel, I blinked and forced myself back in motion, finishing up quickly before I went back into her room. I unzipped my backpack and searched through, pulling out my pajama pants before returning to the bathroom. I made sure to give Bella a few extra minutes, using the restroom and changing my pants. I took my time washing my hands and then looked at myself in the mirror, idly messing with my hair and trying to get it to pretend it liked my scalp. No luck, of course – it still looked like it was trying to escape.
Feeling somewhat stupid, I knocked on the bathroom door from the inside and heard Bella's quiet giggle. "Come in," she called with amusement clear in her voice.
A wide grin was already on my face as I opened the door, flipping off the light. My sarcastic comment faded on my lips at the sight of Bella sitting on her bed. Her hair was down, cascading over her slender shoulders and ending just above the purple-and-yellow "WASHINGTON" emblazoned on her chest. I tried not to stare, but when I moved my eyes, they simply roamed down her body, noting the thin purple shorts she was wearing in place of her normal flannel pants. For the first time, I could see her legs and, though they were pale, they were more toned than I'd realized. I felt my dick twitch in my boxers at the thought of her wrapping those legs around me, and I swallowed hard.
Wide fucking awake now, aren't you?
Hell yes, I was.
I couldn't think. At all. I just acted. I walked toward the bed, tossing my jeans to the floor along the way. When I got to her, Bella smiled up at me and welcomed me into her arms as we kissed. I kept moving, pressing her back onto the mattress so that I was lying on top of her. Her hands slid down my back, caressing my sides and pulling me closer as our lips parted and our tongues began to move together. My right leg was on the mattress, my left thrown over her, and her knees slowly shifted apart, mine coming to rest between hers.
Everything was a blur of soft skin and quiet sighs and tongues and lips and the subtle abrasion of teeth. Strangely, the fresh, minty taste of her toothpaste mingled sensually with the scent of her strawberry shampoo, creating an intoxicating combination I never would have imagined would be appealing.
It sure as hell was now.
Bella's hands were all over me – reaching up to grip my shoulders, sliding down to rub along my back. They stalled just around my hips before I felt her slowly, tentatively, move them downward. Her hands hovered there, palms barely touching my ass, as she pulled back slightly and whispered breathlessly, "Is this okay?"
"God yes…" I managed before my lips were on hers again. The pressure from her hands increased gradually as we kissed until she was holding on firmly, fingers and palms kneading my ass. I kissed along her cheek to her ear, teasing the lobe with my teeth before sucking it between my lips. Letting go, I kissed my way down her neck, and one of her hands moved to the back of my head, holding it closer. She felt so fucking amazing beneath me, and nowhere in my mind was there any thought of stopping.
My arms were on either side of Bella's shoulders, and I was propped on my elbows, keeping my weight off of her. Without any thought, my left hand moved to her hip, gripping her through the fabric of her shirt.
My shirt.
She was shifting beneath me, subtle movements of her hips and shoulders, nearly writhing as I kissed the sweet skin at the hollow of her throat. My hand began its slow ascent, fingertips caressing her through the soft cotton. My fingers danced deftly across her ribs, running along the delicate rises much as they did on my piano keys.
"Edward…kiss me…" she breathed, and I lifted my head, our mouths joining once more as my thumb brushed the smooth curve of her breast. At her sharp intake of breath, I started to pull away, panic threatening to set in, but her moan soothed my fears and ignited my desire, and her fingers laced in my hair, holding my lips decisively to hers.
Her hand left my head, moving to my chest, where she shoved lightly. At once, I pulled my hand away and rolled to my side, trying to give her the space she needed. Instead of fear, though, I saw yearning in Bella's eyes as she pushed me further. I was lying on my back, my eyes wide as I watched her shift until she was on top of me. Her knees settled on either side of my hips, and I closed my eyes for a moment, my hands clenched into fists on the mattress as I struggled to control myself and understand what was going on. My brain finally engaged, but I was aware of it only dimly as it tried to scream a warning at me.
She allowed me no time to recover, one hand tangling in my hair as the other cupped my cheek. She kissed my jaw, her hair forming a darkened curtain around my face as she worked her way to my ear and whispered, "No…don't stop…touch me, please…"
My hands relaxed, but I could feel the tension in my knuckles from how tightly they'd been balled into fists. They moved to her knees, and I caressed her gently, massaging my way up her thighs before my hands flitted over her hips. I held her waist, allowing myself to fully enjoy the sensation of kissing her. I willed my lips to slow, bringing her frenzied pace to something more loving, more sensual, though my body was screaming at me to let her do whatever the fuck she wanted to me.
Again, I let my hand unhurriedly traverse her ribs, my other hand resting on the small of her back as I held her close. Bella's kisses grew softer as her back arched, and I knew all the attention in the room was on my hand. My thumb lightly stroked her – once, twice, a third time – and then we both moaned as I moved my hand further and gently cupped her breast. Her lips pulled away from mine as she rested her forehead against mine, and my eyes flickered wildly over her face, struggling to read her expression as I held utterly still.
I was watching when she licked her lips and a slow smile spread across her face, her eyes closed as she pressed her chest toward mine. I knew her well enough to recognize the look of concentration and triumph on her face. Her expression made me smile, and I cautiously moved my hand, letting my thumb drift across her nipple. She bit her bottom lip in response, a soft sigh escaping her.
Unable to resist, I glanced downward, my own quiet moan joining hers when I saw my hand molded around Bella's breast. I tilted my head, needing to kiss her, to feel her, to be joined with her in the only way I could right now, and her lips met mine eagerly. Her tongue ran along my lower lip, and I parted them, kissing her passionately. I caressed her tenderly, my thumb teasing and circling her nipple as I gave us both time to adjust to this beautiful new experience.
Despite the heat behind our kisses, we were slowing, instinctively realizing together that this was far enough for tonight. My other hand moved from Bella's back, mimicking the journey of the first as I took both her breasts in hand, squeezing gently as I relished their soft weight in my palms, my lips never ceasing their adoration of the incredible woman lying here with me.
Her fingers began to loosen in my hair, her hands moving down to brush along my neck and shoulders, fingertips drifting delicately over my arms. I shifted my hands, slowly working my way back down her ribs until they were again resting on the small of her back, my fingers laced together against her bare skin as my thumbs stroked her.
She began pulling away slowly, smiling between the soft, light kisses she placed on my lips. I sensed the matching smile on my face, feeling completely blissed out as my arms loosened so she could move. She raised herself, sitting up astride me with her hands on my chest. Her pelvic bone dug into my throbbing cock at just the wrong point, and I hissed at the painful jolt, my hands on her hips lifting her up off of me.
In an instant, her face went from euphoric to nervous and apologetic, and she blurted out, "I'm sorry!" as she tried to scramble away from me.
I held her firmly, shifting her so that she was sitting a few inches forward, straddling my chest. "It's okay, sweetheart," I said softly, rubbing soothing circles along her hipbones with my thumbs. I gave her the crooked grin she seemed to love, trying to ignore the uncomfortable way my pants were pulled tightly across my crotch. "I'm fine…promise."
She looked unconvinced, so I lifted my head, stretching my neck until she bent forward to kiss me. Incredibly, her eyes began to shimmer with tears. "Bella?" At the sound of my voice, she squeezed her eyes shut, and the first of her tears dripped onto her cheeks.
Lying on my back with her above me left me feeling helpless, so I sat up, gathering her in my arms. I kissed her temple, whispering, "Shh…I'm alright, love…we're okay…" and countless other reassurances, trying to calm her. She wasn't sobbing, wasn't hysterical – she was simply crying quietly, her arms enveloping me while her hands gripped my shoulders.
She turned her head, resting her cheek on my shoulder as she held me close. We were rocking slowly on the bed, clinging together as though the other was a life preserver and we were surely drowning. I sensed Bella's tension, her fear, her uncertainty – for they were mine, too. I laid my cheek on her shoulder, and she inhaled deeply before sighing. She kissed my neck, and I gave a small smile, squeezing her and shifting her even closer. Her heat radiated over my dick, feeding the erection I tried to will away as her legs wrapped around me, her hand reaching up to play with my hair.
We sat that way in silence, calming and growing still, until she finally lifted her head, looking me in the eye. Her cheeks were streaked with her tears, and I brushed away the last of them with my thumb. "Are you alright?" My voice was quiet and gruff with emotion as I worried that maybe we'd rushed things and hit a breaking point for Bella.
She gave a weak smile, her lower lip trembling as she nodded. "I'm sorry," she whispered again, tracing my cheekbone with her thumb. She bit her bottom lip, and the expression on her face was so heartbreakingly vulnerable that I felt the pain deep in my chest.
"There's nothing to apologize for, sweetheart…we just moved a little too fast, that's all. We don't have to do this. Let's just go back to-"
"No." Bella's definitive answer cut me off just as surely as the finger she placed on my lips. I stopped mid-sentence, my eyebrows climbing toward my hairline as I watched her. She said nothing more, lowering her hand and looking at me levelly.
"But, Bella-"
"No, Edward."
I frowned at her, wishing she would explain – give me something to go on. Her forehead was wrinkled, a look of frustration on her face. I waited in silence, my eyes never leaving hers, until I had to speak. I whispered, "It's just too much…let's just take this slow, okay?"
Anger flashed in her eyes as her face fell. "I don't understand. Don't you…want me…?" She tore her eyes from mine, but not before I saw the pain there.
My mind recoiled as if I'd been slapped.
Not those words.
Not from Bella.
I was motionless, at a loss as to what to do. Anger seeped into my voice when I spoke, turning it colder and harder than I ever intended to use with Bella. "You have no idea how much I want you." I moderated my tone, taking a deep breath to collect myself and soften my voice. "I just think…I think we should slow down. Bella, love, I've waited for you my whole life…I can wait as long as it takes."
"This isn't about just you." Her words pulled me up short, and I sat up straighter, looking at her in confusion. Her cheeks bloomed pink, and the defiance faded from her eyes.
"Bella?" I finally managed.
She gave a strange noise somewhere between a groan and a growl and closed her eyes, her chin dropping so that I was left staring at the top of her head. I started rubbing her back slowly, trying to give her the time she needed. What she said next stunned me.
"Damn it, Edward, I want you so fucking bad, I can't stand it. I don't know how long I can wait." My cock jerked hard, and I felt pre-cum leaking from the tip.
God fucking damn.
Bella's head snapped up, and she looked at me, her eyes wide. Oh yeah, she felt it. Fuck. The hint of panic I saw there reinforced my belief that we were moving too quickly, and I gave her a tiny smile as I leaned forward, kissing her lips chastely. I placed my hands on her hips and shifted her away a bit, folding my legs Indian-style and settling her in the middle. "Sweetheart, I love you…and thank you. I'll never get tired of hearing you say you want me…I can promise you that." I paused, reaching up to brush back the hair that had fallen over her forehead when she looked down. "But I feel like you're pushing yourself for me, and that's just…it's not necessary. I'm content." I thought for a moment. "Fuck no, I'm not content. I'm goddamn happier than I've ever been. I'm…" I sighed. "I'm sorry you're frustrated."
"I just feel like a failure sometimes, you know…?" she began, her voice barely audible. She glanced down and grew suddenly still. I followed her gaze and saw the big ass tent pitched in my pants. There was no hiding it, no mistaking it. I rolled my eyes at my traitorous dick as I pulled at my t-shirt over it and tucked it into the waistband of my pants in one practiced motion – as if this conversation wasn't delicate enough without adding visual effects.
I lifted Bella's chin, shaking my head slightly at her. "You are not a failure in any way, Bella…you are a beautiful, brave woman, and I'm a fucking lucky bastard to have you sitting here in my lap holding me and kissing me…and loving me…" My cheeks heated as I admitted how truly fortunate I felt, and she smiled timidly in response.
She took a deep breath and raked her fingers through her hair, biting her bottom lip and looking up at me through her lashes. Her eyes flickered to my crotch again, and she leaned towards me, her voice a hesitant murmur in my ear. "I just keep feeling like I should…do…something…to umm…to help you…"
"No, I'm fine…" I started to brush it off - after all, I was a goddamn pro at self-abuse after the last couple of years – but before I could go any further, an idea hit me, and I spoke without thinking. "Wait. Are you really saying you want me to do something to help you?"
I actually felt the heat radiating off her cheeks as she shook her head quickly. Her strong reaction intrigued me. I ghosted my fingertips along her upper arms, slowly moving up and down as I attempted to soothe her. There was no need for her embarrassment. I didn't want either of us to keep anything hidden – but I had to admit that I hadn't really anticipated just how awkward this complete honesty thing could get. "Bella…" I stopped, clearing my throat.
Don't be a pussy. You can do this.
"Bella…" I tried again. "Have you ever…I mean ahh…" Shit. Okay, maybe I was a pussy. I took a deep breath, my cheeks puffing out as I exhaled. "Have you ever had an umm…" I trailed off, completely taking the chickenshit way out as my eyes pleaded with her to understand.
Orgasm. Have you ever had an orgasm? That shit's not so hard to say.
Fuck. You.
I heard the laughter in my head as she watched me curiously, a touch confused for a moment before comprehension dawned in her eyes. She blinked, blushing with a slightly disbelieving, uncomfortable grin on her face before she cleared her throat and glanced away, her eyes on the wall behind me. "Uhh…"
We were the poster children for unintelligible utterances.
Don't make me say it again. Please.
You didn't say anything the first time, pansy.
Thankfully, Bella finally gave a hesitant nod, still looking past me. "I th-think so anyway." Her blush deepened. "It's been a really, really long time…" Pain twisted her face briefly before a shadow of the mask I'd seen her wear while telling her story slid into place.
I swallowed against the bile rising in my throat as I thought of what her answer must mean.
That motherfucker.
Reaching out, I stroked her jaw with my thumb. I didn't turn her face, letting her look wherever she wanted, but my heart swelled when she moved her eyes to me. There was an ancient sadness there and so much regret, but more than that, there was love for me as the left corner of her lips lifted slightly. She shrugged.
"Only with him?" I whispered, and she nodded. That mask was crushing me, making my chest burn, and I couldn't take seeing it there anymore. I leaned forward, kissing my Bella softly. She was unresponsive at first, but then her lips moved with mine, and I tried so hard to show her with that kiss the confusing jumble of emotions coursing through me. I was saddened that that part of her life had been shut away for so long – and that the only experience she had with it was with the same asshole who had broken her so badly.
When we parted, I was lighter somehow, even though the distress I felt for her lingered. Each time we chipped away at another of the walls between us, we became stronger, closer, and more whole. I was sure I knew the answer to my next question, but I asked it anyway, intent on knowing everything about her I could. "So you've never felt the need to ahh…take care of things…yourself?"
She just shook her head at first, and I thought she wasn't going to answer. I was trying to think of what to say next when she spoke up. "I've never really had a…reason." She bit her bottom lip, the white of her teeth standing in sharp contrast to the flaming red of her cheeks as she squirmed uncomfortably in my lap. "I don't…" She sighed and glanced to the right before she looked me squarely in the eyes and breathed. "I don't exactly have a lot of good memories to go on, you know? It was easier to just…not think about it…"
Silence weighed heavily in the air as I thought about her words. "Bella, is all of this…" I gestured between us, "making you too…ahh…frustrated?"
She gave a small smile, surprising me when some of her embarrassment seemed to fade. "I do have to say that our…activities…have sort of made it cross my mind lately…" She shifted in my lap, pulling herself closer as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed me. She took my lower lip between her teeth and bit lightly, making me give a low growl as my hands splayed across her lower back. I caught the smile on her face from the corner of my eye as she leaned forward and whispered in my ear. "I feel more alive than I've felt in years…please don't say we have to stop. Life's good with a little frustration, but I…I understand if it's too much…"
She hugged me, resting her head on my shoulder as she pressed her lips to my neck. She stroked my hair soothingly, relaxing me as only she could. "It's not too frustrating…" My voice was gruff, deepened by both desire and emotion as I rubbed Bella's back in return. We sat that way for an immeasurable time, our breathing growing steadier as we let all our stress drain away.
Or so I thought.
Bella's head lifted from my shoulder, and she looked at me with curiosity evident on her face. I raised an eyebrow, a slight frown on my lips.
I should've known what was coming.
"Do…" Bella cleared her throat to cover a nervous giggle. "Do you umm…take care of yourself?" She was staring down at her hands, which were picking at the lettering on my t-shirt.
I put my hand over hers, stilling them and prompting her to look back up at me. I was determined not to be embarrassed, so I gazed into her warm brown eyes as I admitted, "I do."
"Do you think about me?" Her voice was breathless, and her eyes flew wide before all the blood drained from her face and she looked down, muttering, "Fuck!" under her breath. Her shoulders were hunched defensively, her face carefully away from mine as she said, "I didn't mean to ask that. I'm sorry. Don't answer it, please."
My hand had been gingerly stroking hers, working to calm her, but it froze at her question. I forced myself back into motion, resuming my actions as if nothing had happened. This time, my voice was little more than a whisper as I said again, "I do…" Looking down at Bella's face from that angle, I saw her cheeks lift as she smiled to herself.
She raised her head, gazing at me with a mixture of pride and self-consciousness. Her eyes were curious again, and I felt a stab of foreboding.
This won't end well for me.
Still, I asked, "What is it, love?"
Taking a deep breath, she exhaled slowly and whispered, "Do you think of me…often?"
I swallowed. "Yes." It was getting harder to look her in the eye.
She raised her hand, nervously biting her thumbnail. I moved mechanically, pulling her hand away from her mouth and holding it in her lap. I felt numb, my pulse throbbing in my ears as I sensed my imminent mortification.
"Really?" I struggled to hear her. "When was the last time?"
No fucking way.
Say yesterday, man. Sunday. Any other time.
Just be honest and say you don't want to answer that shit on the grounds that it might cause spontaneous combustion due to the heat of the fucking sun burning your cheeks.
My eyes were unfocused, falling away from hers as I was vaguely aware of purple and yellow in my field of vision. I couldn't hear myself say the words, but I forced them out all the same. "This afternoon. In the shower…"
What. The. Fuck?
You have no sense of goddamn self-preservation at all, do you?
She's going to fucking leave you. Call you a perverted freak and kick your ass out on the street, where you probably belong.
The voices continued to rant in my head, no other sounds audible as I breathed shallowly. On some level, I was aware that my reaction was ridiculous, but I was a bit too absorbed in my adolescent-boy-caught-jacking-off angst to worry about that. I had no problem with Bella knowing I did it – it was normal and all that shit, and God knows I'd done it enough in my life. It was what had helped me stay away from women for the past year and a half. I didn't even mind that she knew I was thinking of her. I figured she'd probably like that. I mean, I knew I'd fucking love knowing Bella masturbated while thinking of me.
But knowing I was jerking off to thoughts of her lips wrapped around my cock while she was a mere twenty feet away innocently reading Watchmen was something else entirely.
"Fuck." My curse was the first sound I heard.
"-ward? Edward." In a daze, I lifted my eyes, taking in Bella's concerned face. The tension in her forehead relaxed slightly, and she gave me a flicker of a smile. "Are you alright?" she asked.
I nodded, swallowing. I didn't trust my voice. She exhaled lightly and leaned in, brushing a kiss across my lips. When she straightened again, I saw the way her lips kept twitching at the corners.
She's…smirking?
Blinking, I looked again. Bella – my sweet, innocent, non-masturbating, blushing-at-the-thought-of-an-orgasm girlfriend – was smirking at me because I couldn't control myself and had rubbed one off in the shower while she was waiting.
"A little proud of yourself, aren't you?" I teased, feeling strangely light-headed and nearly euphoric at her reaction.
She bit her bottom lip, trying to hide her smile, but she didn't last long. A giggle broke through, and then she was beaming, pride written all over her face. I laughed with her, tackling her so that we were lying sideways on the bed as I tickled her. The heady sound of her giggling and squealing helped me forget everything that had happened tonight so that I was finally able to relax again.
Before long, my fatigue hit me again, and I rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling with a smile as Bella snuggled up close to me. She rested her head on my chest, her hand lying on my stomach, and I let out a small noise of contentment, wishing we didn't have to move.
"Let's just stay here," Bella mumbled, her voice already thick with sleep.
"I don't want you to be cold," I whispered, stroking her arm.
She didn't respond – she just reached behind her, blindly feeling along the bed until she caught hold of the quilt and pulled it over us. My left foot was sticking out, so I reached out to that side, grabbing that end of the quilt and throwing it over us as well. I turned my head to the right, smiling when her hair tickled my chin, and we drifted off to sleep without another word, wrapped up in the middle of her bed like a burrito.
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A/N: The title to this chapter is from a Violent Femmes song. Umm…yeah.
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